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Original poster

Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

984 replies

Daftasabroom · 12/04/2023 11:55

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

Page 40 | Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7 | Mumsnet

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https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4681774-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasc-support-thread-7?page=40&reply=125367664

OP posts:
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10
Original poster
Daftasabroom · 16/05/2023 23:37

If I ask DW how much we can spend on our upcoming holiday the only answer I get is "it depends". I can't even an get to the closest £500. Yet she spends at least 4 hrs a week analysing our finances in forensic detail.

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 17/05/2023 00:00

This is what DH 's ex is like with money . I am certain she is also autistic.(DH and DSD both are). He left her in the end, largely because of this (we met some years later).

DS described DH ex behaviour as "fake poor" . She lives such a limited life for no reason. She won't even do day trips with her children never mind a holiday despite having a good job and a mortgage free five bed house for the 3 of them.

SpringCherryTrees · 17/05/2023 07:38

That is so true of DP also! The ‘fake poor’. He cringes at spending anything that isn’t the bare minimum and won’t go on any trips or any holidays at all. He goes through the shopping order each week to cut it right back, and if a food isn’t used completely up he talks about it a lot and complains of the waste.

On my relatively small earnings I have to do an extra shop a week and I pay for all holidays and day trips as I refuse to live shut in the house. It’s not good for autistic DS for one thing. I go everywhere and do everything on my own.

Original poster
Daftasabroom · 17/05/2023 09:54

@SpringCherryTrees food waste? Ahhhhhhhhhh.

I've just looked I the fridge, we currently have 11 containers of leftovers in the fridge, some are probably weeks old, one has 6 slices of cooked carrot, one has less than half a teaspoon of chopped chilli and garlic at least two weeks old. A week old cooked jacket potato. We have butter wrappers for greasing cake tins, one has a 2022 use by so will be pretty rank, we never bake cakes anyway.

If I dare to suggest a clear out, I'm interfering.

OP posts:
SpecialMangeTout · 17/05/2023 10:49

The last few posts are starting to make DH look like an angel!

stealtheatingtunnocks · 17/05/2023 12:20

Same with food waste. He once ate half a ham sandwich which was smelly because it had been left in a hot car for two days - “waste” was mentioned.

he then “caught a bug” with 24 hour D&V.

it was a mystery where he got the bug from.

BlueTick · 17/05/2023 12:43

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

BlueTick · 17/05/2023 14:06

This reply has been withdrawn

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SpecialMangeTout · 17/05/2023 16:57

You know this reminds me if DH scowling at dc, when they were about 6~7yo because they put a teaspoon of sugar in their porridge and that was too much….

Eas1lyd1stracted · 17/05/2023 18:28

@BlueTick I also thought you'd automatically get something as a spouse. Up to 270k I think reading the rules you've shared. As long has he doesn't have a will you don't know about :/

My DW is a bit crap with money but so am I. I had to tell her we wouldn't have any joint products until I had full access to her accounts and credit check. We've got there. Although I've had mostly house essentials for all my recent birthdays. She's furious she's getting practical gifts when we move.

I find it scary people who are reliant on partners financially but aren't aware what's going on with them. It feels controlling and possibly financially abusive. I'm in the Martin Lewis credit club which shows all your accounts and emails you with any changes and its free

SpringCherryTrees · 17/05/2023 21:41

@BlueTick yes we have had big bust ups over money, and it was one big reason that we went to couple counselling. This didn’t help that much. He is convinced we are very short of money.

@Daftasabroom oh goodness even D&V didn’t stop him? Our fridge is the barest fridge I’ve ever seen! Bits of onion. I went vegetarian recently and he’s been complaining about what to do about his mince meals - as he can’t buy it in a smaller quantity and I no longer eat it. Every week he laments the waste and asks why I won’t eat it!

SpringCherryTrees · 17/05/2023 21:43

@BlueTick yes watch out for being ‘blamed’ for being irresponsible about money! You don’t sound like you are at all. Am also ‘blamed’ - DPs family all think I spend all my time flying abroad and in Waitrose. 🙄

bunhead1979 · 18/05/2023 16:55

Really feel for those of you in the dark and being limited about your finances, that must be really hard.

My DH is the opposite in this respect, it's the ADHD part of him, completely reckless with money. I took over our finances 20 years ago and he knows nothing about them. I try once a month to sit down with him and go through it all, it feels a big burden to be solely responsible (I'm not great with money either but I keep an eye on it and do the budgeting etc) but he is just not interested and constantly researches hobbies and overspends on them, its like a feverish obsession. I feel sick when I see him scrolling shopping websites for hours every evening. Thankfully he now has an allowance (as do I, I send us each a portion after all the bills etc are covered) so it no longer affects the family pot, but he saves very little it, whereas almost all of mine goes in to savings.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 18/05/2023 20:06

My ex was also obsessed with not spending money. All his clothes came from the local 'warehouse shop' (you know the kind, where it's like a jumble sale inside, and not a single 'label' item) and it came as an utter revelation to him that you could buy clothes in an actual SHOP! We couldn't go out for coffee or lunch (unless I paid), because he couldn't bear the fact that we could have coffee or lunch at home for nothing.

I actually think it was all part of control. To him, life was a mad, random and chaotic thing. He couldn't see how it worked, or why people behaved as they did. So he controlled the part he could control, which was money, practically the only explicable control he could have.

Original poster
Daftasabroom · 18/05/2023 22:44

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat I've posted often about control. We all need control over our lives.

DS is probably the only student in the UK likely to finish in profit.

OP posts:
stealtheatingtunnocks · 19/05/2023 01:57

@Daftasabroom we had 3 days in Las Vegas on route to a bird watching trip in the desert - before we married, obviously.

He left with a profit. Played the 5C slots and then 21, he could “see” the pattern in the slots and the cards.

I did think “you could make a fortune” but he doesn’t like people so that was the end of his card shark career.

he left about 3k up, so not heaps but enough to impress!

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 19/05/2023 07:51

Daftasabroom · 18/05/2023 22:44

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat I've posted often about control. We all need control over our lives.

DS is probably the only student in the UK likely to finish in profit.

But I think maybe those like my ex have a tendency to over-control the controllable aspects, IYWIM? He literally had hundreds of thousands of pounds in the bank but found it physically painful to buy coffee and a bun in a local coffee shop, because he couldn't see that the pleasure gained from sitting down and having a nice drink and cake more than outweighed the extra £5 in his bank account.

Original poster
Daftasabroom · 19/05/2023 08:55

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat I think many things like this may have a starting point linked to a specific event or personality trait, and not necessarily AS, but perhaps a combination of ND and habit amplifies certain behaviours as people get older. I don't think it's possible to untangle ND from habits and environmental aspects. We're all part nature part nurture.

OP posts:
BlueTick · 19/05/2023 09:34

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

SweetSakura · 19/05/2023 09:36

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 19/05/2023 07:51

But I think maybe those like my ex have a tendency to over-control the controllable aspects, IYWIM? He literally had hundreds of thousands of pounds in the bank but found it physically painful to buy coffee and a bun in a local coffee shop, because he couldn't see that the pleasure gained from sitting down and having a nice drink and cake more than outweighed the extra £5 in his bank account.

Show quote history

Exactly. This is what DH ex is like. As a result her marriage broke down and she still can't change even when DSD has broken down and asked us /-her teachers to try and ask her mum to sometimes do fun stuff with them. Once it is hugely harming your relationships/the happiness of family members then it's harmful

SpringCherryTrees · 21/05/2023 14:14

I agree, managing extremes and a level of cooperation can be key, particularly if we are family units. If you are living on your own, then your money is your own and if you never want to buy a cup of coffee or buy anything new, that’s up to you.

However if we want to live in a more social grouping, whether that’s a marriage, or with kids and your finances are linked to a unit of people. Then I do think a level of cooperation is vital. It’s part of the deal of gaining whatever it is you need from a marriage or family, you have to moderate extremes like financial control because it’s part of the social contract. And if you can’t, the social contract breaks down.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 21/05/2023 17:21

I think where it really got to me was the 'I'm not going to enjoy it, therefore you aren't allowed to do it either', whilst expecting me to listen to lengthy monlogues on which car was the best, or spending hours at car show rooms looking at the latest models - which he didn't have problems spending money on.

I thought it was 'Socialisation 101' that if you expect people to take an interest in what you want to do, then you at least make a vague attempt to return the compliment.

BlueTick · 22/05/2023 16:27

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SpringCherryTrees · 22/05/2023 18:42

@BlueTick yes this is key for me. Living with difference is quite stimulating and interesting, I like that we have different minds and neurodiversity. I don’t require a husband who thinks like me, and I think the healthiest relationships are the ones where there is a lot of tolerance and space for people to be themselves. However by choosing to be a husband / wife you are choosing to be part of an inter-related system also. It’s caused so much grief in my relationship that DP thinks that financially he has to control every penny. Especially as we have an autistic son who needs a carer. He can’t have it both ways!