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Original poster

Not taking partners surname

109 replies

ramanw · 09/04/2023 20:43

I have recently got engaged to my partner.
He is very traditional, whereas I'm not.

We have 2 young children and while marriage has never been important to me, he suggested getting married as we would be a family unit etc.

Tonight we got on to the subject of surnames and I said that I would like to have a double barrelled surname. My surname is really unique and his is very common. I like my surname and feel like it is a part of me. The kids have his surname.

I told him this and he is really upset, saying he always assumed that his partner would have the same surname as him and thought it was something I really wanted. It's really not something I'm bothered about. I don't want his surname. It has caused a massive argument and he's saying he doesn't know me etc and acting as if I'm some sort of serial killer.

Am I actually being really out of order here?

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 09/04/2023 20:46

No, you are not.

If he wants the same surname as you he can double-barrel as well.

What does 'traditional' mean - your word or his? Why do I get the feeling he's entirely selective about his traditionalism?

MaireadMcSweeney · 09/04/2023 20:46

No! Don't change your name if you don't want to. He can change his to yours if he wants you
to have the same names!

Kranke · 09/04/2023 20:49

This is worrying, why does he assume that? We got married, kept our own surnames. Children are double barrelled. No fuss, no issues.

dementedpixie · 09/04/2023 20:49

No you aren't out of order. He could change his if he wanted to be the same as you

Awrite · 09/04/2023 20:49

What a horrible man. I couldn't marry such a controlling prick.

I have been married a long time. Kept my name. Have never regretted it. Not once.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/04/2023 20:50

Traditional would be the children having their mother's name if you weren't married. Traditional would have been him not having children outside wedlock. He's not traditional, he's a controlling wanker.

GCWorkNightmare · 09/04/2023 20:51

Oh dear, OP. He’s not traditional about sex and having children before marriage, is he?

I’d been married to DH for 7 years before we had
DD. Hell would have frozen over before she got his name and not mine. (She has his as a middle name.)

Keep your name. He can change to yours if he wants the same name.

N4ish · 09/04/2023 20:51

You should hold on to your name! Also make sure getting married is something you definitely want to do. You're already a family unit, you don’t need marriage for that.

GCWorkNightmare · 09/04/2023 20:52

Awrite · 09/04/2023 20:49

What a horrible man. I couldn't marry such a controlling prick.

I have been married a long time. Kept my name. Have never regretted it. Not once.

Same.

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/04/2023 20:53

I'd be questioning the whole relationship. He sounds controlling.

I'd also be concerned about any other traditional ''values'' he may have such as staying at home if you have a baby, doing all of the cooking etc.

I kept my last name and my son has a double barrelled last name.

Isthisexpected · 09/04/2023 20:53

I don't really get his thinking here. I'm married and my kids have my surname, which I didn't change. There are no rules.

CarrotSoupwithCheese · 09/04/2023 20:54

I’ve never once regretted keeping my name.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 09/04/2023 20:54

I kept my name, children have his name because we married after they were born. DH was a bit upset but I pointed out that if he really haf cared that much then he'd have married me before the children were born. He had zero comeback to that.
It's your name, why would you want to give it up?

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 09/04/2023 20:56

My ex said the same when we spoke about getting married.

I didn't (and don't) really love my last name but I didn't want his either. He got really annoyed about it and said we wouldn't get married at all then (which was more than fine with me, thank to fucking god he's an ex!)

He also gave me all the tradition talk bullshit about how it's the normal thing to do bla bla bla. He was more than happy to have kids before getting married though! ... And the kids had his last name!

You're not out of order at all.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 09/04/2023 20:56

I also asked him how he felt about changing his name and how he felt about that? Would he do it?
Obviously he wouldn't but it did help quell the disagreement.

incitethismeetingtorebellion · 09/04/2023 20:56

It's strange how many man are so traditional when it comes to surnames but considerably less so when it comes to kids before marriage.

Original poster
ramanw · 09/04/2023 20:59

I know people are saying he's controlling but he's genuinely not. He's normally a very decent guy who looks after me and the kids really well. He's very giving and caring and pulls his weight.

People are right in saying that he was not particularly traditional about getting married before having kids etc!!! He clearly wasn't too fussed about that was he 😂.

For whatever reason, he is just really shocked and I think is genuinely rethinking getting engaged. I don't see why that is so important to him. Why should it matter. I'm glad that people are agreeing with me though.

OP posts:
GCWorkNightmare · 09/04/2023 21:01

Cuppaand2biscuits · 09/04/2023 20:56

I also asked him how he felt about changing his name and how he felt about that? Would he do it?
Obviously he wouldn't but it did help quell the disagreement.

I booked our honeymoon. 2 weeks being called Mr Nightmare made the point far better than any discussion could have!

GCWorkNightmare · 09/04/2023 21:02

Cuppaand2biscuits · 09/04/2023 20:54

I kept my name, children have his name because we married after they were born. DH was a bit upset but I pointed out that if he really haf cared that much then he'd have married me before the children were born. He had zero comeback to that.
It's your name, why would you want to give it up?

They should have had your name when they were born…….. Honestly, women are their own worst enemies.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 09/04/2023 21:03

He can have the same name as you op, he, and the dc change their names, via deed poll, which is v easy to do, to the double barrelled name. Job done

Pashy · 09/04/2023 21:05

Amazing how these guys are so “traditional” when it comes to names, but never when it comes to marriage and having children without the protection of same.

I kept my name, OP. My husband married me, he didn’t adopt me.

ChocChipHandbag · 09/04/2023 21:07

How can he possibly be "traditional" when he had two children without getting married?

Thewayweare · 09/04/2023 21:23

You can all have the same surname - he and the kids can have the double barrelled name too.

Stand firm, OP. My great grandmother double barrelled her and her husband's surnames when they got married 100 years ago. Her surname meant a lot to her and she wasn't going to lose it.

Thewayweare · 09/04/2023 21:24

Their children were also double barrelled.

Helenahandkart · 09/04/2023 21:24

I changed my name when I got married and honestly wish I hadn’t. Not only was it a massive pain to change passport/banks and all of that, but I have never felt, even after 15 years, that my new name belongs to me, and have had a low-level identity crisis ever since.
My new surname is much better than my old one but it just doesn’t feel like me.
And like other posters have said, if he was so desperate for everyone to have the same name he could change his to match yours.

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