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Original poster

Not taking partners surname

109 replies

ramanw · 09/04/2023 20:43

I have recently got engaged to my partner.
He is very traditional, whereas I'm not.

We have 2 young children and while marriage has never been important to me, he suggested getting married as we would be a family unit etc.

Tonight we got on to the subject of surnames and I said that I would like to have a double barrelled surname. My surname is really unique and his is very common. I like my surname and feel like it is a part of me. The kids have his surname.

I told him this and he is really upset, saying he always assumed that his partner would have the same surname as him and thought it was something I really wanted. It's really not something I'm bothered about. I don't want his surname. It has caused a massive argument and he's saying he doesn't know me etc and acting as if I'm some sort of serial killer.

Am I actually being really out of order here?

OP posts:
surreygirl1987 · 09/04/2023 23:52

I don’t know any woman of my generation who changed their surname on marriage. Quite apart from it being a ridiculous patriarchal throwback, why would you junk years of your professional reputation under your birth name? The only conversation we ever had about DS’s surname was which order we put both our surnames in.

I know some, but I've always found it weird. I've found it surprising and to be honest quite disappointing.

Deadringer · 09/04/2023 23:53

He should be grateful that the children are named after him, traditionally they are named after the mother. He clearly assumed that you would take his name which in this day and age is pretty presumptuous. Stand your ground and keep your name.

Nosleepforthismum · 09/04/2023 23:58

Will he even know if you don’t? I got married a year ago and have changed nothing due to having other stuff on and haven’t been arsed with the faff of doing it. My DH is non the wiser and assumes I am Mrs X which I suppose I technically am even though only the marriage certificate shows it.

GCWorkNightmare · 10/04/2023 00:05

Nosleepforthismum · 09/04/2023 23:58

Will he even know if you don’t? I got married a year ago and have changed nothing due to having other stuff on and haven’t been arsed with the faff of doing it. My DH is non the wiser and assumes I am Mrs X which I suppose I technically am even though only the marriage certificate shows it.

Your marriage certificate says nothing of the sort.

GCWorkNightmare · 10/04/2023 00:05

There is no “technically” about it. Unless you take the steps to enact your name change, nothing changes.

user1477391263 · 10/04/2023 00:22

incitethismeetingtorebellion · 09/04/2023 20:56

It's strange how many man are so traditional when it comes to surnames but considerably less so when it comes to kids before marriage.

My thoughts exactly.

CurlewKate · 10/04/2023 00:24

Don't marry him. This is the tip of the iceberg.

TheOGCCL · 10/04/2023 00:26

It’s not 1952. Maybe he just hasn’t caught up with the other options.

Topseyt123 · 10/04/2023 00:29

Nosleepforthismum · 09/04/2023 23:58

Will he even know if you don’t? I got married a year ago and have changed nothing due to having other stuff on and haven’t been arsed with the faff of doing it. My DH is non the wiser and assumes I am Mrs X which I suppose I technically am even though only the marriage certificate shows it.

Take a good look at your marriage certificate. It says nothing of the sort.

You are not Mrs. X at all.

DirectionToPerfection · 10/04/2023 00:41

Ugh, depressing that there are still so many sad, insecure and hypocritical men out there.

OP you are actually taking on his name by going double barrelled and he's still whining? How absolutely pathetic.

I count my lucky stars every day that I have a DH who respects me and treats me as an equal. It has never even been a question whether I would take his name, he completely understands that my name a part of who I am, and he would never dream of asking me to change it. It doesn't matter to him in the slightest.

If a man put pressure on me to do this I would feel it was a big red flag, honestly.

stevalnamechanger · 10/04/2023 00:58

He can't be that traditional to have kids prior to marriage or not having spoke about it beforehand

Keep your name .

Seems like your values aren't aligned

Aquamarine1029 · 10/04/2023 01:08

So you were good enough for him to get pregnant and have his two children, but you keeping your surname is a deal breaker? He "doesn't know you" anymore?

I would honestly tell him to go fuck himself, and I certainly wouldn't marry him.

WandaWonder · 10/04/2023 01:11

Nosleepforthismum · 09/04/2023 23:58

Will he even know if you don’t? I got married a year ago and have changed nothing due to having other stuff on and haven’t been arsed with the faff of doing it. My DH is non the wiser and assumes I am Mrs X which I suppose I technically am even though only the marriage certificate shows it.

Not sure why he assumes it, have either of you actually read the certificate?

Op you know you don't to be told he is being unreasonable, can you honestly not work that out for your self?

Howtostart · 10/04/2023 04:56

GCWorkNightmare

Eh ? What a weird question.

Flashingtealights · 10/04/2023 06:03

When I got married I kept my surname , he kept his. He didn’t care that I wanted to keep my name. If he had, it wouldn’t have mattered I’d have kept it regardless. If he’s seriously rethinking getting married over something so petty, then I think it’s you who should be doing the rethinking. Married life doesn’t need this type of BS right from the get go

palelavender · 10/04/2023 06:11

I was traditional enough to have a church wedding before having children. Even I didn't change my name for years but did when we were going travelling as I thought it would be easier. Either way you have your father's name or your husband's so personally it doesn't really matter to me. My husband's name was much more attractive than mine which was also a consideration. My husband couldn't have cared less. I think that if you have two children and he doesn't want to marry you because you want to double-barrel your name then there are issues.

Tomkirkman · 10/04/2023 06:15

It seems he is only traditional when it suits and uses that as an excuse.

You aren’t fussed about getting married, he wasn’t fussed either but you now are because he is traditional and wants to.

But he wasn’t traditional and marriage wasn’t important before you had kids.

He is happy to have kids with you, but now claims he is traditional and wants you to be a family unit? What are you at the moment?

You don’t want to give up your name, he wants you to. So NOW he is traditional and trying to pressure you into it? But was happy to have kids, be unmarried and have different names up until now.

Not saying you shouldn’t get married. However, it’s really odd that he is traditional when he wants something. But not the other times. Traditional only when it means getting what he wants.

Has anything changed recently? New job for you? Etc?

Autumntree · 10/04/2023 07:10

I changed my surname 10 years ago and regret it very very much. We are likely to divorce and I hate that my whole organisation will find out about it when I change my name back. I'd prefer not to expose it at all.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 10/04/2023 08:33

GCWorkNightmare · 09/04/2023 21:02

They should have had your name when they were born…….. Honestly, women are their own worst enemies.

Show quote history

I wasn't a Mumsnetter back then, if I had been I would certainly have given them my name. It's been a regret of mine when they were small but doesn't matter so much now they are older.

GCWorkNightmare · 10/04/2023 09:08

Howtostart · 10/04/2023 04:56

GCWorkNightmare

Eh ? What a weird question.

Not really. That was your chance to unburden yourself of the surname you really didn’t like. If you didn’t happen to marry on your 18th birthday, and so kept the name until marriage, taking your husband’s name wasn’t because you couldn’t stand your birth name. 😉

GCWorkNightmare · 10/04/2023 09:12

palelavender · 10/04/2023 06:11

I was traditional enough to have a church wedding before having children. Even I didn't change my name for years but did when we were going travelling as I thought it would be easier. Either way you have your father's name or your husband's so personally it doesn't really matter to me. My husband's name was much more attractive than mine which was also a consideration. My husband couldn't have cared less. I think that if you have two children and he doesn't want to marry you because you want to double-barrel your name then there are issues.

Here we go. Why don’t women ever own their names? Why are they only ever on loan from a man?

(Rhetorical question. The answer is because we didn’t used to be legal beings in our own rights. We were literally the property of our fathers or husbands. Why any woman in 2023 wants to continue this hideous, misogynistic tradition is utterly beyond me.)

Presumably the children were given your husband’s surname, if you changed to make travelling easier (which is a myth). 🙄

StagsLeap · 10/04/2023 09:15

GCWorkNightmare · 10/04/2023 09:12

Here we go. Why don’t women ever own their names? Why are they only ever on loan from a man?

(Rhetorical question. The answer is because we didn’t used to be legal beings in our own rights. We were literally the property of our fathers or husbands. Why any woman in 2023 wants to continue this hideous, misogynistic tradition is utterly beyond me.)

Presumably the children were given your husband’s surname, if you changed to make travelling easier (which is a myth). 🙄

Show quote history

This. I own my name. It’s not my ‘maiden name’ or a ‘starter name’, like a training bra or a starter home. It’s my birth name. I’m not responsible for the patriarchal norms that preceded my birth, but I’m sure as hell the owner of my own name, and passing it to my son.

DirectionToPerfection · 10/04/2023 09:22

Ah yes, how is it that male children own their own surnames from birth but female children don't? That doesn't make any logical sense.

Your birth name is your name. Change it if you want, but don't make out that it's a choice between two men's names anyway.

Lastnamedidntstick · 10/04/2023 09:23

GCWorkNightmare · 10/04/2023 09:12

Here we go. Why don’t women ever own their names? Why are they only ever on loan from a man?

(Rhetorical question. The answer is because we didn’t used to be legal beings in our own rights. We were literally the property of our fathers or husbands. Why any woman in 2023 wants to continue this hideous, misogynistic tradition is utterly beyond me.)

Presumably the children were given your husband’s surname, if you changed to make travelling easier (which is a myth). 🙄

Show quote history

And men’s names are always “nicer” funnily enough.

i didn’t change my name. Not only have I never regretted it, I have been glad I didn’t on several occasions.

my kids have dh name for our own reasons- practicality of travel being one. A 50 year old female travelling with a 15 year old doesn’t raise suspicions in the way a 50 year old man booking a hotel room with a 15 year old girl with a different surname does.

I have never had an issue travelling. On a recent group trip the only mum that got stopped and asked for documentation at the airport had the same name as her kids. There are other things that flag you up, it’s not names.

Original poster
ramanw · 10/04/2023 09:25

Thank you for everyone's thoughts.
Deep down I know that I'm right, I'm just really quite surprised at how strongly he feels about it.

He's woken up feeling really deflated and says he feels as though I don't want to marry him. To him it's something that was really important but unfortunately it just isn't important for me. The fact I would double barrel it should be enough in my eyes.

He has been speaking about his friends wives and how they were really excited to take on their new husbands surname etc. I can't help how I feel though.

OP posts: