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Original poster

Not taking partners surname

109 replies

ramanw · 09/04/2023 20:43

I have recently got engaged to my partner.
He is very traditional, whereas I'm not.

We have 2 young children and while marriage has never been important to me, he suggested getting married as we would be a family unit etc.

Tonight we got on to the subject of surnames and I said that I would like to have a double barrelled surname. My surname is really unique and his is very common. I like my surname and feel like it is a part of me. The kids have his surname.

I told him this and he is really upset, saying he always assumed that his partner would have the same surname as him and thought it was something I really wanted. It's really not something I'm bothered about. I don't want his surname. It has caused a massive argument and he's saying he doesn't know me etc and acting as if I'm some sort of serial killer.

Am I actually being really out of order here?

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 10/04/2023 12:40

if he said it’s traditional one more time I’d say that’s it we are changing the kids names to mine as it’s traditional for children of unwed mothers and IF I choose to marry you we can reconsider that. I don’t remember you giving a shiny shit about tradition when they were born so why do you expect me to now about this?
we married quite young but I didnt change my name because I didn’t want to.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/04/2023 12:46

I told him this and he is really upset, saying he always assumed that his partner would have the same surname as him and thought it was something I really wanted.

Bullshit.

If it were having the same name that bothered him, he could take yours.
Or double-barrel, as per your reasonable compromise.

But some deep held sexist traditional belief is making him baulk at that.
On what other ways does this traditionalism manifest itself OP?

billy1966 · 10/04/2023 12:47

Mangogirl12 · 10/04/2023 11:32

It's not the fault of the engagement that your partner's true colours of a misogynist chauvinist pig were exposed. Your partner's colours are his colours; regardless of marriage, engagement or just living together. Maybe everything was 'fine' pre-engagement, but that's only because you didn't know the true him. You didn't know what it was that you didn't know. You now know. And you can't go back like this didn't happen. It's not so much him wanting you to change your name, it's the way he has gone on and on about it, being 'deflated' and making this all about him, not even considering you. As if you should be honoured at being found good enough by him to take his name. His behaviour sounds pretty controlling to me, to be honest. As well as sexist, chauvinistic and selfish.

I think it's a mistake to "lay low and not really mention anything about it", you need to communicate, to talk this over. Putting your head in the sand and putting The Talk off isn't going to help you. You're just delaying the inevitable. If he really can't respect your decision to keep your name, then you need to know if you should call off the engagement. Personally I would. But further than that, I'd call off the whole relationship. I could not in good conscience stay with a man who had those terrible attitudes that you're his property. Do you have any girls? If so, what would he say about his daughter changing his name to another man's?

Show quote history

Great post.

He has a huge opinion of himself 🙄.

That you are desperate to get married and take his name🙄.

Does he know you at all.

I think you were very generous to give your children a different name to yours and you weren't even married.

I wouldn't be putting my head in the sand, I would be having a closer look at him and I would definitely be rethinking things.

I am married 30 years and the only person who brought up me not changing my name was my mother.

My husband never mentioned it because he honestly never considered it an issue.

Why would anyone with a name for 30 years want to suddenly change it?

A really bizarre, dated concept, IMO.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/04/2023 12:49

For whatever reason, he is just really shocked and I think is genuinely rethinking getting engaged. I don't see why that is so important to him. Why should it matter.

He's prepared to hold this over you as some kind of ultimatum or threat?
Jeeze.
Why is his opinion (or name!) more important than yours?

Deadringer · 10/04/2023 12:52

I am an old gimmer, married 35+ years and my dh didn't give a shit if I took his name or not even back then. Its not 'tradition' it's just sexist bullshit.

AgentJohnson · 10/04/2023 13:55

Traditional, meaning he picks and chooses what ‘traditional’ means to him and you’re expected to fall in line. Stand your ground or there will be other ‘traditional’ norms that you will be expected to follow.

He doesn’t have to understand your point of view but he does have to accept it.

AhNowTed · 10/04/2023 14:05

My DH couldn't care less.

Together 40 odd years, married 28.

I already had a career. I most certainly didn't feel like a "Hisname". I had my own identity.

His family are religious and nobody said a word.

It's so outdated and unnecessary.

Would he give up his name for you... nope.

Stand your ground against this nonsense OP.

Lastnamedidntstick · 10/04/2023 14:10

I told him this and he is really upset, saying he always assumed that his partner would have the same surname as him and thought it was something I really wanted

if he’s always wanted/assumed that his partner will have the same name as him, why wait until years down the line to propose?

I mean, you’ve got children, and he’s been fine with you having a different name up to now.

so why the sudden change of heart? If it was that important to him you had the same name, he should have suggested doing something a long time ago.

Topseyt123 · 10/04/2023 17:10

He sounds totally pathetic and misogynistic the more you have posted about him.

Stick to your guns here. Say to him that IF you agree to marry him then you will NOT be changing your surname to his. You MIGHT consider double barrelling, but since he is even managing to be an arse about that then maybe you'll just stay as you are. Ask him why the fuck he thinks women should change such a major part of their identities but men can sit back and do bugger all?

Personally, I think it's a shame that the children weren't given your surname rather than his. He'd probably have spontaneously combusted at that, but it would have been more traditional for unmarried parents.

Why is his mother pressing for the marriage anyway? It really doesn't sound like either of you wants it really.

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