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Original poster

Not taking partners surname

109 replies

ramanw · 09/04/2023 20:43

I have recently got engaged to my partner.
He is very traditional, whereas I'm not.

We have 2 young children and while marriage has never been important to me, he suggested getting married as we would be a family unit etc.

Tonight we got on to the subject of surnames and I said that I would like to have a double barrelled surname. My surname is really unique and his is very common. I like my surname and feel like it is a part of me. The kids have his surname.

I told him this and he is really upset, saying he always assumed that his partner would have the same surname as him and thought it was something I really wanted. It's really not something I'm bothered about. I don't want his surname. It has caused a massive argument and he's saying he doesn't know me etc and acting as if I'm some sort of serial killer.

Am I actually being really out of order here?

OP posts:
GCWorkNightmare · 10/04/2023 09:27

I’m sure that the brothers and male cousins of these women who change their names because of how hideous their birth names manage just fine with them too…….. 🤔

GCWorkNightmare · 10/04/2023 09:37

My former boss could not get her head around me being Ms Myname and checked with me every time I mentioned my husband that he was actually my husband. (We don’t wear rings either.) After a while I asked her what she was struggling with. Apparently she couldn’t understand why I wasn’t “proud” to be married.

I said it seemed a strange thing to be proud of, and asked her whether her husband was proud to be married to her. “Of course,” she replied. “But not enough to announce it to everyone he knows or meets by a change of title and name?” <head tilt>

I pointed out that my daughter has clear links to both sides of her family by having both of our names, what a shame her son doesn’t have such a link to hers. And that marrying my husband was a legal issue. I didn’t suddenly become closer to his family than my own, so why the hell would I want to literally change my identity to align with them rather than the people that raised me? Never mind professional achievements pre-marriage.

She never asked again.

Comtesse · 10/04/2023 09:39

He’s being an ass. Stand your ground.

Lastnamedidntstick · 10/04/2023 09:40

ramanw · 10/04/2023 09:25

Thank you for everyone's thoughts.
Deep down I know that I'm right, I'm just really quite surprised at how strongly he feels about it.

He's woken up feeling really deflated and says he feels as though I don't want to marry him. To him it's something that was really important but unfortunately it just isn't important for me. The fact I would double barrel it should be enough in my eyes.

He has been speaking about his friends wives and how they were really excited to take on their new husbands surname etc. I can't help how I feel though.

ask him why are none of the men excited to take on their wives names?

he needs to think about why women are expected to change their names, then think about why the same doesn't apply to men.

it’s a sexist tradition as Pp said and I’d stick to your guns.

unless he can come up with a valid, non sexist reason why you should change your name, and he shouldn’t. Which he won’t be able to.

suggest you pick a new name and you all change your names as a compromise 😂

perfectcolourfound · 10/04/2023 09:41

I know I'm repeating what's already being said, but anyway

  • he isn't traditional. if he was traditional you wouldn't have had children before marriage, and any children would have had their mother's surname (that's traditional)
  • if he wants to have the same name, he can change his to be the same as yours
  • if he uses this as a reason not to marry you, he didn't want to marry you in the first place
  • if he uses this as a way to coerce and control you in to doing something you don't want to do, you shouldn't be marrying him
MyAnacondaMight · 10/04/2023 09:43

Huge 🚩. He sees you as a chattel, not as an equal. Why doesn’t he double barrel his name too, so that you all have the same name?

Marry him or don’t marry him. But don’t take his name and for goodness sake don’t become financially dependent on him.

DuringDuran · 10/04/2023 09:44

Propose that he take your name.

How would he react? If he is against it ask why you should agree to something he wouldn't.

sugarspices · 10/04/2023 09:46

Honestly all of my friends were so excited to change their names upon marriage, doing it on social media within hours of the ceremony! So I can see why he might be a bit confused if he's seen his friend's wives do the same.

I'm double barrelling my name when we get married because I don't want to lose my name, but I want to share a name with our child (who will be having my fiancé's name). My fiancé asked if I would prefer that we all double barrel our names so that they are the same, but that sounds like more trouble than it's worth to me, whilst I appreciate the sentiment.

To me, double barrelling is a compromise, he's lucky you're prepared to change it at all!

SoupDragon · 10/04/2023 09:49

What is just a bad as that attitude of men who are "upset" their wife to be doesn't plan on changing her name is the attitude of the women who judge, ridicule and insult those who do. Fuck off with your "why didn't you change it at 18" and "oooh, odd how no man ever hates his surname" and "I'm so disappointed in them".... it's tedious and just makes you look nasty.

Someone said "women are their own worst enemies". Well, that is certainly true for the sex as a whole when women judge other women for this. It's pathetic.

SoupDragon · 10/04/2023 09:50

It happens every single time when these threads pop up and it's tedious.

Original poster
ramanw · 10/04/2023 09:50

To answer some of the questions:

I don't think that he really does want to marry me. I think he's been pushed in to it by his Mum (although, obviously, he tells me that's not the case). I don't think he's going to use it as an excuse not to marry me now!!

I suggested we all change our surnames to double barrelled and he was horrified. He was getting statistics up of how many men take on the woman's surname blah blah. But why should it matter what "everyone else" does? I know of so many people with double barrel surnames.

He really isn't controlling though. For whatever reason, this was really important to him and he genuinely thought that I wanted to take on his surname. Absolutely no idea why he thought that though. I get the impression that he thinks marriage was really important to me, and that I am basically desperate to do it.

OP posts:
Foxymoxy68 · 10/04/2023 09:51

My mother had a big issue with me keeping my name but my husband didn't! I've never regretted it.

StagsLeap · 10/04/2023 09:54

ramanw · 10/04/2023 09:50

To answer some of the questions:

I don't think that he really does want to marry me. I think he's been pushed in to it by his Mum (although, obviously, he tells me that's not the case). I don't think he's going to use it as an excuse not to marry me now!!

I suggested we all change our surnames to double barrelled and he was horrified. He was getting statistics up of how many men take on the woman's surname blah blah. But why should it matter what "everyone else" does? I know of so many people with double barrel surnames.

He really isn't controlling though. For whatever reason, this was really important to him and he genuinely thought that I wanted to take on his surname. Absolutely no idea why he thought that though. I get the impression that he thinks marriage was really important to me, and that I am basically desperate to do it.

But he sounds as if he doesn’t know you at all, if he’s labouring under the delusion that you’re dying to get married and make a decision that smacks of either stupidity or internalised misogyny!

Lastnamedidntstick · 10/04/2023 09:54

Honestly all of my friends were so excited to change their names upon marriage, doing it on social media within hours of the ceremony! So I can see why he might be a bit confused if he's seen his friend's wives do the same

where I work it’s a pain in the arse.

when women change their names it makes my life so much harder. I get requests, go into our database, can’t find the user, have to go back to them, they then reply “ooh I forgot it’ll be under my maiden name and I got married”. Or vice versa.

half the time I don’t think they did forget they just want to make the married point.

it makes a two click job into a much longer one. And when you are working in a massive organisation and get several of these requests a day, it increases the time spent on it x10.

if they think I’m going to go all gooey 5 times a day about someone getting married they are very wrong. Just send me your bloody ID number and leave your personal life out of it.!

N4ish · 10/04/2023 09:55

So neither of you actually want to get married but are going ahead due to lack of communication and pressure from his mother? Doesn’t sound like a recipe for success.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 10/04/2023 09:58

For lots of seemingly modern and enlightened men throwing a pissy little strop because their future wife has informed them she plans on keeping her own name seems to be an acceptable mode of behaviour. It's interesting to me and makes me see how little men examine these sexiest traditions.

Lastnamedidntstick · 10/04/2023 09:59

Absolutely no idea why he thought that though. I get the impression that he thinks marriage was really important to me, and that I am basically desperate to do it

generally though this is how society sees marriage. Women desperate for the big day and the “respectability”, with men being dragged up the aisle by the “ball and chain”.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 10/04/2023 09:59

Sexist even!

CrossEyedCrossFit · 10/04/2023 09:59

I would take my husband's name if my children also have his name.
I think you seem to pull all the shots. He's traditional but went along with having 2 children out of wedlock. He wants you to take his name, but you're refusing.
I suppose you did compromise by giving the children the father's name. Why didn't you double barrell the children since your surname is interesting why did you let them miss out on this?

GCWorkNightmare · 10/04/2023 10:19

Why did the kids get his name, OP? Was there a discussion about it or was it just “the done thing”?

Milkand2sugarsplease · 10/04/2023 10:42

I'm not really sure why you're getting married. I don't mean it horribly but it doesn't come across like it's a particularly important step for either of you? You said you think he's been pushed into it by his mum and it's not all that important to you.

Just don't bother and keep going as you were pre engagement

Original poster
ramanw · 10/04/2023 11:22

@Milkand2sugarsplease I think you're absolute right. Everything was fine pre-engagement.
I will keep my lovely ring and still consider myself engaged but there is no rush for anything is there. And obviously this marriage business is just causing unnecessary stress and arguments.

I'm just going to lay low and not really mention anything about it for a while.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 10/04/2023 11:22

It is depressing when people post "My dp does ~controlling thing><controlling thing><controlling thing> but he's not controlling."

Mangogirl12 · 10/04/2023 11:32

ramanw · 10/04/2023 11:22

@Milkand2sugarsplease I think you're absolute right. Everything was fine pre-engagement.
I will keep my lovely ring and still consider myself engaged but there is no rush for anything is there. And obviously this marriage business is just causing unnecessary stress and arguments.

I'm just going to lay low and not really mention anything about it for a while.

It's not the fault of the engagement that your partner's true colours of a misogynist chauvinist pig were exposed. Your partner's colours are his colours; regardless of marriage, engagement or just living together. Maybe everything was 'fine' pre-engagement, but that's only because you didn't know the true him. You didn't know what it was that you didn't know. You now know. And you can't go back like this didn't happen. It's not so much him wanting you to change your name, it's the way he has gone on and on about it, being 'deflated' and making this all about him, not even considering you. As if you should be honoured at being found good enough by him to take his name. His behaviour sounds pretty controlling to me, to be honest. As well as sexist, chauvinistic and selfish.

I think it's a mistake to "lay low and not really mention anything about it", you need to communicate, to talk this over. Putting your head in the sand and putting The Talk off isn't going to help you. You're just delaying the inevitable. If he really can't respect your decision to keep your name, then you need to know if you should call off the engagement. Personally I would. But further than that, I'd call off the whole relationship. I could not in good conscience stay with a man who had those terrible attitudes that you're his property. Do you have any girls? If so, what would he say about his daughter changing his name to another man's?

Tomkirkman · 10/04/2023 12:31

ramanw · 10/04/2023 09:50

To answer some of the questions:

I don't think that he really does want to marry me. I think he's been pushed in to it by his Mum (although, obviously, he tells me that's not the case). I don't think he's going to use it as an excuse not to marry me now!!

I suggested we all change our surnames to double barrelled and he was horrified. He was getting statistics up of how many men take on the woman's surname blah blah. But why should it matter what "everyone else" does? I know of so many people with double barrel surnames.

He really isn't controlling though. For whatever reason, this was really important to him and he genuinely thought that I wanted to take on his surname. Absolutely no idea why he thought that though. I get the impression that he thinks marriage was really important to me, and that I am basically desperate to do it.

So he isn’t ‘really traditional’?

He doesn’t want to get married. You don’t want to get married.

He is marrying you and you accepted because his mum wants you both to?

and now he wants you to do something you don’t want to and won’t come to compromise because other people don’t.

He is being traditional as a cover for ‘I think my name is more important. How other people think is more important to me than what you want. Maintain sexist stereotypes is more important than what you want’

At what point do you both start making decisions based on what you want to do? Not everyone else. Not his mum.

and again, if he thinks this makes you a proper family, are you not a proper family now? Does his mum think you aren’t a proper family?