Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not taking partners surname

109 replies

ramanw · 09/04/2023 20:43

I have recently got engaged to my partner.
He is very traditional, whereas I'm not.

We have 2 young children and while marriage has never been important to me, he suggested getting married as we would be a family unit etc.

Tonight we got on to the subject of surnames and I said that I would like to have a double barrelled surname. My surname is really unique and his is very common. I like my surname and feel like it is a part of me. The kids have his surname.

I told him this and he is really upset, saying he always assumed that his partner would have the same surname as him and thought it was something I really wanted. It's really not something I'm bothered about. I don't want his surname. It has caused a massive argument and he's saying he doesn't know me etc and acting as if I'm some sort of serial killer.

Am I actually being really out of order here?

OP posts:
Keroppi · 09/04/2023 21:28

If he's rethinking being engaged because of this he never wanted to marry you ! Hope you have access to his money and are named on the house etc

MouseKeys · 09/04/2023 21:36

I didn’t change my name when we got married and I have never ever regretted it. My husband however is still miffed about it and brings it up to this day 13 years later. I just let him get on with it as I’m never going to change it anyway!

Mangogirl12 · 09/04/2023 21:57

OP ask him to change his name to yours. When he says he won't, then say now you know how I feel then. Tell him he is being very misogynist.

EggBlanket · 09/04/2023 22:08

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/04/2023 20:50

Traditional would be the children having their mother's name if you weren't married. Traditional would have been him not having children outside wedlock. He's not traditional, he's a controlling wanker.

This. Are you sure you want to marry this person?

Howtostart · 09/04/2023 22:15

I have been married twice and changed my name to my husbands on each occasion. This is because I CHOSE TO ( not to mention my own surname is actually horrific and translated to 'a more drunken tart ' in USA American - as I learned to much amusement on my travels - but also really ugly in English) .. I had MY reasons to do it .. but they were MiNE and MY choice .. had I been a Smith Jones or Johnson.. I would insist on double barrelled .. he is just wrong !

GrumpyPanda · 09/04/2023 22:18

If your name is unique and his is common and boring why on earth didn't you insist on your own name for the kids?

GCWorkNightmare · 09/04/2023 22:31

Howtostart · 09/04/2023 22:15

I have been married twice and changed my name to my husbands on each occasion. This is because I CHOSE TO ( not to mention my own surname is actually horrific and translated to 'a more drunken tart ' in USA American - as I learned to much amusement on my travels - but also really ugly in English) .. I had MY reasons to do it .. but they were MiNE and MY choice .. had I been a Smith Jones or Johnson.. I would insist on double barrelled .. he is just wrong !

Did you marry on your 18th birthday?

Noicant · 09/04/2023 22:45

A) he’s not that traditional, you had two kids before marriage. B) if he wants the same name he can change his

monsteramunch · 09/04/2023 22:49

Mangogirl12 · 09/04/2023 21:57

OP ask him to change his name to yours. When he says he won't, then say now you know how I feel then. Tell him he is being very misogynist.

Absolutely this.

Ask him to calmly articulate his reasoning and explain why him having a penis means he should be the one to keep his name, while you having a vagina means you should be the one to change yours.

As PP have said, it's not about tradition as such because he was happy to have kids without being married.

So it sounds like an ego / entitlement thing tbh.

Northby · 09/04/2023 22:54

Ask him to take your surname. When he’s finished being outraged, tell him you feel the same way about your surname as he does about his. Asking you to do something he isn’t prepared to is hypocrisy. As he’s asking you to do it because you’re female, it’s also sexist. You’re compromising and taking his name as a double-barrel, and he’s not taking yours at all. So who is really being unreasonable here? (The answer is him!)

Prometheus · 09/04/2023 22:57

He’s not very traditional if he had kids before getting married. Sounds like he’s only traditional about the things that involve controlling you.

Notellinganyone · 09/04/2023 22:59

Absolutely stick to your guns. He needs to work through this.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 09/04/2023 23:03

My ‘very traditional’ DH was astonished too but when I pointed out all the points above, hinted that if the person earning more and putting more in to the marriage was the one whose surname was taken then that would be mine, and reminded him of the palaver I’d gone through to go back to my maiden name when I divorced, he saw my point. He did think about taking my name but neither of us could face explaining that to his parents whose minds would have been completely blown.

i do get addressed as Mrs DH at times and I just say ‘his mum’s not here’ or ‘here’s a xmas card for your mum’ with a tinkly laugh.

slightlysnippy · 09/04/2023 23:05

When I got married my husband changed his surname to mine. We were similar to you I had an unusual surname and my husband wasn't attached to his.

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/04/2023 23:10

No he’s being mad. Do what you want.

teazle · 09/04/2023 23:23

Like many others on here I kept my name. This was important to me. Kids are double barrelled.

Choccyeggs20 · 09/04/2023 23:25

Yanbu , it’s your life do what you want! He’s just been brought up in a world of tradition so I can understand where he’s coming from but there’s no obligation these days to do that.

OhcantthInkofaname · 09/04/2023 23:30

Howtostart · 09/04/2023 22:15

I have been married twice and changed my name to my husbands on each occasion. This is because I CHOSE TO ( not to mention my own surname is actually horrific and translated to 'a more drunken tart ' in USA American - as I learned to much amusement on my travels - but also really ugly in English) .. I had MY reasons to do it .. but they were MiNE and MY choice .. had I been a Smith Jones or Johnson.. I would insist on double barrelled .. he is just wrong !

I'd love to be a "more drunken tart"!!!

ThanksForYourHelp · 09/04/2023 23:32

GCWorkNightmare · 09/04/2023 20:51

Oh dear, OP. He’s not traditional about sex and having children before marriage, is he?

I’d been married to DH for 7 years before we had
DD. Hell would have frozen over before she got his name and not mine. (She has his as a middle name.)

Keep your name. He can change to yours if he wants the same name.

I'm with you! My daughter's middle name is her father's surname, and her surname is my surname. All of us are happy with this.

SoupDragon · 09/04/2023 23:34

I changed my name and was happy to.

However, I wouldn't even go double barrelled in your scenario if he's going to be an arse about it, just keep yours!

surreygirl1987 · 09/04/2023 23:35

He's being ridiculous. If he wants you all to have the same surname, how about you all have your surname? Oh that's right, because you're female and he's male. Stand your ground, OP. I am double-barelled and I'm glad, although that was still a compromise because he decided not to double-barell and my children both have his surname. I also decided to be 'Ms' not 'Mrs' after marriage. Men don't get it.

Schmutter · 09/04/2023 23:37

He can’t be that traditional if you already have kids with him.

Keep your name. Get him to take yours if he wants a shared surname.

surreygirl1987 · 09/04/2023 23:38

By the way, my husband reacted the same as yours. But on pretty much everything else he's supportive and a pretty great guy. So I was surprised he kicked up a fuss about my surname. I think it is so engrained in society that other people struggle to see it for the sexism that it blatantly is.

StagsLeap · 09/04/2023 23:38

I don’t know any woman of my generation who changed their surname on marriage. Quite apart from it being a ridiculous patriarchal throwback, why would you junk years of your professional reputation under your birth name? The only conversation we ever had about DS’s surname was which order we put both our surnames in.

Kleptronic · 09/04/2023 23:47

I kept my name and my dc is double barrelled sans hyphen and I’m glad I did that because my ex upped and left. If I hadn’t it might have caused trouble with passports and travel etc. As it is I have the name I’ve always had and my DC’s last name is the same as mine so job’s a good ‘un.