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Original poster

Wife gets so drunk she can't remember what she does

106 replies

Rainkilt123 · 08/04/2023 10:02

My wife and I have been together 5 years. We enjoy a social drink once a month or so and go out once every 6 weeks or so. Ever since we met, when she's drinking she suddenly hits the wall, is falling about drunk. It's never really bothered me before as its not as if it's an every day thing. She never remembers anything from the point of blind drunkenness the next day. We were out a few months ago and this guy kept giving her the eye. Out of nowhere he comes up to her, right in front of me and asks her to go outside. Without even looking at me she picks up her handbag and follows him. It takes me a second or two to gather up my stuff and I follow her out. By the time I'm outside she's standing there and this guy is walking up the road. I ask her what the hell she's doing and she doesn't have a clue. Next day she doesn't remember a thing.

When she was single, she admitted she would go out and get drunk and hook up with guys on nights out. That's fine, her choice.

She has a few things coming up, two all day days out with girlfriends, a concert and a wedding. Now I'm wrecked with mistrust. I 100% trust her when sober or any other time but when she gets into this state she doesn't know what the hell she's doing I worry what she'll do and I don't trust her drunk. I've tried telling her in a round about way, tried laughing the guy at the bar off by saying to her, remember no wine that gets you smashed and she laughed it off too. Truth is I can't say for certainly that when drunk she won't do anything.

I have no idea how to address this. I really don't want to be that person who says you can't go to these things. I know her friends will look after her like I have to when she's like that but she's a wanderer. Buy I just don't have that trust when she's so drunk.

She doesn't have a drink problem. Just can't stop when at her limit.

OP posts:
Mumped · 08/04/2023 10:06

It’s difficult to know how you can address this of she is in denial.
The simple answer is that people who can’t handle their drink or who can’t control how much they drink (even if it’s only now and then) and end up in this state shouldn’t he drinking. It’s reckless and potentially dangerous. But she has to come to this conclusion herself. It’s going to be very hard for you to make her see this if she doesn’t see it.

Have you tried to have an honest, calm conversation with her about it?

Mumped · 08/04/2023 10:07

Also, regarding your last few lines. Read them back to yourself.

Of course she has a drink problem. Her drinking literally causes problems in her relationship and is putting her in an extremely vulnerable state. You don’t have to be a daily drinker pouring vodka on your cornflakes to have a drink problem.

PurpleSky300 · 08/04/2023 10:13

Being unable to stop drinking once you've started is pretty much the definition of a drink problem, unfortunately. It doesn't need to be a daily habit or complete alcohol dependence to be a problem.

I think you need to talk to your wife because this is about much more than whether she'll go with another guy, it's about basic safety. People who drink to a level where they can't remember anything are massively vulnerable, they could hurt themselves or be hurt, become isolated from their friends, be exploited, robbed, anything. You need to talk to her seriously and not focus on cheating, it's not the issue here.

QuietOne121 · 08/04/2023 10:14

Does sound like it is a drink problem. From experience these things only change when the person hits a ‘rock bottom’ when the drinking goes much too far.

Sounds like that hasn’t happened yet but will do.

Original poster
Rainkilt123 · 08/04/2023 10:15

Thanks for your comments. I've had the calm conversation and the response is, you don't trust me, I would never do anything, I love you, no one interests me in the slightest. Which I believe. When sober enough

When I said drink problem I was more meeting alcoholic problem. But I agree with you in that her actions are a problem to her safety etc

OP posts:
anythinginapinch · 08/04/2023 10:17

Ask her if she trusts herself when pissed

Spottycarousel · 08/04/2023 10:18

It's difficult because she needs to take responsibility for her own actions which she clearly can't while she's under the influence of alcohol. If she can't accept that she's got a problem with alcohol there's little you can do. She will only accept it if and when she's ready to.

I really feel for you - a tough position to be in but ultimately I guess you have the choice whether to continue with this or not.

Original poster
Rainkilt123 · 08/04/2023 10:19

Oh she trusts herself drunk. Because she's thinking as a sober person when I ask that question. It's the I love you I'm not interested in anyone else answer

OP posts:
tatteddear · 08/04/2023 10:21

Tbh I'm very much like your wife when I drink. I get to a certain point then I won't be able to relent what I've done or said the day after.
It hasn't caused me any problems that I'm aware of but therein lines the issue. The 'that I'm aware of'. I'm trying to temper misled a bit now but it's very hard because I'm fine one minute and hammered the next with not much in between. I don't drink often any more and I'm really making an effort to stop after one or two now when I do.
The difference between your wife and I I I guess is that I've reached this conclusion on my own.

tatteddear · 08/04/2023 10:23

Sorry hadn't finished-is there anyway you can show her some sort of evidence of her behaviour when drunk? Could you film her or something? (If she agreed to it first?) or would that be too horrible? She needs to recognise the issue but it will be tricky as by its very nature she can't remember what's gone on.

category12 · 08/04/2023 10:28

You need to take the focus off the possibility of her cheating while blacked out, and refocus on the drinking to black out point. Unfortunately you haven't taken it seriously and tolerated this level of drinking up until the point you felt her fidelity was potentially compromised, so it's difficult to argue that. Not really your fault, binge-drinking is often normalised.

I would ask her to look at her drinking habits and consider stopping. I don't think moderation works, as it's too easy to binge again once drink is taken. It is possible to socialise without booze, but it's difficult to start with.

Up until the point she's willing to recognise she has a problem with alcohol, you're SOL really.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 08/04/2023 10:29

My dad videoed my mum when she was drunk. She always said she was a happy flirty drunk. She was singing, arguing and groping men. This was a house party at their own place and people were just batting her off saying go sleep it off. She was mortified, they even moved to a new town and she has never drunk again.

category12 · 08/04/2023 10:29

Does she not suffer horrendous bear fear/post-drinking anxiety?

category12 · 08/04/2023 10:31

not bear fear 😂the Beer Fear. Unless she's watched Cocaine Bear recently.

Spottycarousel · 08/04/2023 10:31

If I was drinking so much that there was a real risk I would cheat on my partner i would take responsibility and stop drinking so much. If I wasn't prepared to do that it should demonstrate I didn't value the relationship with my partner very much.

If your wife laughs off the possibility of her getting drunk enough to cheat...that's not a good sign.

AprilFool23 · 08/04/2023 10:35

Spottycarousel · 08/04/2023 10:31

If I was drinking so much that there was a real risk I would cheat on my partner i would take responsibility and stop drinking so much. If I wasn't prepared to do that it should demonstrate I didn't value the relationship with my partner very much.

If your wife laughs off the possibility of her getting drunk enough to cheat...that's not a good sign.

I agree with this.

It's actually her personality that's the issue.

Can2022getanyworse · 08/04/2023 10:52

She doesn't have a drink problem. Just can't stop when at her limit.

She does have a drink problem...

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 08/04/2023 10:55

How does she explain wandering off with a random guy?

You can't trust her - given she doesn't know her own limits and is refusing to take any responsiblity for her drinking, and will chalk anything that happens up to I didn't know what I was doing and I don't remember...you can't rust her. You are hoping her friends are keeping her from doing anything the way you do but the reality is that she is an adult and at the end of the day, how much alcohol she chooses to consume and what she does when drunk is her responsibility - not yours or her friends.

MacarenaMacarena · 08/04/2023 10:56

She may be convinced that you can trust her when she is blind drunk... My question to her would be - how much does she think she can trust random predatory men?
She is vulnerable to horrible abuse, that's just the reality of it, and she needs to be realistic about taking responsibility for her own safety. Her track record for compliance walking off with a strange man should be enough to convince her she needs to have a good look at her relationship with alcohol.

Dustybarn · 08/04/2023 10:59

Sorry but this is classic alcoholic behavior. You need to tell her that her behavior is embarrassing, ruins your evening every time and is dangerous. An average person confronted with this would either stop drinking or make a real effort to cut back. If she still won’t stop or cut back then you know what you are dealing with.

TremulousD · 08/04/2023 11:03

I'll tell you what happened to a good friend's ExW, shall I, who refused to stop 'drinking socially'?

She lost him, she lost all access to her own children and grandchildren, she ended up being arrested by the police, and once she was pepper sprayed in the face for resisting arrest, by which point social services were heavily involved and my friend divorced her in order to keep the children from being taken into care. They live with him full-time.

One of her core problem behaviours was seemingly forgetting she had a husband when she was drunk, leading to misery, upset and dangerous situations with other men and, sometimes, those men's wives and girlfriends.

Friend and his entire extended family, and even some of their mutual friends, have had CCTV fitted, as she has a habit of turning up and being a nuisance, and accusing people of all sorts of awful things.

This is what this kind of drinking leads to. The ExW doesn't drink every day, but when she does it's carnage.

Marchforward · 08/04/2023 11:05

Just can't stop when at her limit. This is a drink problem. I think you should look at Al anon.

Wolfiefan · 08/04/2023 11:05

She completely and utterly does have a drink problem. And she can’t admit that her drunk behaviour is an issue. Not because she’s sober when you talk about it. But because she doesn’t want to stop.

SleekMamma · 08/04/2023 11:06

She has a drink problem.
If she won't address it then it's likely to cause problems in the relationship.

sladys · 08/04/2023 11:22

I react the exact same way with alcohol as your DW does (not the charting to other men). But I can drink and be fine one minute, not even too drunk then one more drink can tip me over the edge. I lose all sense of how much I've drunk and it's like there's no "off switch".

I didn't drink regularly but when I did I'd often wake up with no recollection of the night beyond a certain point. When I'd been out with my (now ex) H, either alone as part of a group, it didn't bother me that I couldn't remember the end of the night (once I'd checked I hadn't embarrassed myself!!) as I felt safe enough.

However, I always had the total fear when out with friends if I knew I had to make my own way home. It was more of a safety factor than anything. I really doubt I'd ever have cheated regardless of what state I was in but not knowing where I'd been or how I'd got home gave me the complete fear.

After splitting up with now exH, and being single and dating I decided I could no longer risk drinking like that with men I didn't know well enough, or even being out with friends and having to make my way home to an empty house.

I've since met my current DP, completely trust him but other than the odd glass of wine with a meal I don't drink. I know my limit is glasses of wine so will happily have that but after a 3rd glass of wine I know I wouldn't stop. It's almost of feeling invincible at the time.

I now don't miss it and hate the thought of going out and getting in that state again.

However, the point of my post is that I wouldn't class myself as an alcoholic but I would say I had an issue with drinking.

It's hard to see at the time but if you can't stop beyond a certain limit it's a classics binge drinking problem - regardless of how long there is between episodes