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Original poster

Wife gets so drunk she can't remember what she does

106 replies

Rainkilt123 · 08/04/2023 10:02

My wife and I have been together 5 years. We enjoy a social drink once a month or so and go out once every 6 weeks or so. Ever since we met, when she's drinking she suddenly hits the wall, is falling about drunk. It's never really bothered me before as its not as if it's an every day thing. She never remembers anything from the point of blind drunkenness the next day. We were out a few months ago and this guy kept giving her the eye. Out of nowhere he comes up to her, right in front of me and asks her to go outside. Without even looking at me she picks up her handbag and follows him. It takes me a second or two to gather up my stuff and I follow her out. By the time I'm outside she's standing there and this guy is walking up the road. I ask her what the hell she's doing and she doesn't have a clue. Next day she doesn't remember a thing.

When she was single, she admitted she would go out and get drunk and hook up with guys on nights out. That's fine, her choice.

She has a few things coming up, two all day days out with girlfriends, a concert and a wedding. Now I'm wrecked with mistrust. I 100% trust her when sober or any other time but when she gets into this state she doesn't know what the hell she's doing I worry what she'll do and I don't trust her drunk. I've tried telling her in a round about way, tried laughing the guy at the bar off by saying to her, remember no wine that gets you smashed and she laughed it off too. Truth is I can't say for certainly that when drunk she won't do anything.

I have no idea how to address this. I really don't want to be that person who says you can't go to these things. I know her friends will look after her like I have to when she's like that but she's a wanderer. Buy I just don't have that trust when she's so drunk.

She doesn't have a drink problem. Just can't stop when at her limit.

OP posts:
DogsPyjamas · 08/04/2023 11:37

I have always been similar, in that after a certain point I have no idea what has happened the night before, which at times seemed to happen surprisingly quickly, almost like you’ve been spiked. This was all fun and games at one point, but now I actively aim to drink slowly/with food so haven’t blacked out in a long while.
The issue is that she thinks there is no problem. She needs to understand how vulnerable she is making herself.
I’m rather prone to catastrophic thinking so would worry I would get in a state and assault a police officer, get arrested, lose my job (all very out of character!)

WunWun · 08/04/2023 11:40

I'm sorry, but blackouts ARE a sign of alcoholism. Just because she isn't drinking regularly doesn't mean it isn't a problem.

WunWun · 08/04/2023 11:43

My ex husband was like this before we became parents. Blacked out every time he drank. Would lose things like expensive presents or his glasses, get mugged on the night bus, wake up on the train miles and miles away, wake up him hospital, wake up walking down the street in broad daylight.. He didn't drink very often!

WalkingThroughTreacle · 08/04/2023 11:44

Rainkilt123 · 08/04/2023 10:19

Oh she trusts herself drunk. Because she's thinking as a sober person when I ask that question. It's the I love you I'm not interested in anyone else answer

Stop framing it as a trust issue. Focus on it being a safety issue. Of course she is going to be defensive and refer to how she feels about you when sober if you make it about trusting her. If you get her to think about how vulnerable she makes herself, when she gets as drunk as she does, then she might be more open to constructive discussion.

The same goes for you to. The fact that you focus on it being a trust issue makes me inclined to think you're more concerned about her getting up to something with another man than you are about the risk that she may end up being raped or assaulted. Is it about your ego or her wellbeing?

Dery · 08/04/2023 11:48

@category12 has given very wise advice as always. Better to re-orientate the issue to the danger she puts herself in if she gets so drunk she doesn’t know what‘s going on. Of course, you don’t want her to cheat - and when sober she doesn’t want to either - but actually her physical safety should be your and her bigger concern. People who get this drunk do make themselves very vulnerable to harm - potentially from dangerous people but also just from the environment because they’re more likely to have some kind of accident. We have all seen news reports of people who have suffered fatal harm when returning home after a night drinking - sometimes because they’ve been targeted by someone dangerous but sometimes because of action they themselves have taken (I remember a story of a drunk young woman deciding to walk home in party clothes on a very cold night and dying of hypothermia). That should be your focus. But it’s very hard when she won’t admit she has a problem.

Dery · 08/04/2023 11:49

@WalkingThroughTreacle has put it better than me.

IWineAndDontDine · 08/04/2023 11:52

DogsPyjamas · 08/04/2023 11:37

I have always been similar, in that after a certain point I have no idea what has happened the night before, which at times seemed to happen surprisingly quickly, almost like you’ve been spiked. This was all fun and games at one point, but now I actively aim to drink slowly/with food so haven’t blacked out in a long while.
The issue is that she thinks there is no problem. She needs to understand how vulnerable she is making herself.
I’m rather prone to catastrophic thinking so would worry I would get in a state and assault a police officer, get arrested, lose my job (all very out of character!)

Totally agree with this. I'm exactly the same. I've never cheated on anyone when drunk, but I've also acted ways I never would when sober, so how can I trust I won't do anything more? My husband knows all this, I've told him not wanting to get drunk has nothing to do with my love for him and its not that I don't trust myself around other men. He is 1000% the man for me and ive never been remotely interested in anyone since meeting him. Its just that nothing is worth my marriage.

Although, you really need to stop saying you don't trust her as if she's going to cheat. Anyone trying to sleep with a blackout drunk woman is nothing short of a rapist. However, it's entirely her responsibility not to put herself in such vulnerable positions when drinking if she's prone to blackouts.

AgnesX · 08/04/2023 11:54

She most definitely does have a drink problem - she can't handle it. That sort of behaviour is not normal.

AnElegantChaos · 08/04/2023 12:00

She doesn't have a drink problem. Just can't stop when at her limit.

I'm afraid she does have a drink problem. I actually really feel for you, we have a friend whose wife is similar and it's becoming unbearable for him (and the rest of us). Sober, she's a really lovely person, very kind, (normally) intelligent and high-functioning, but it's difficult to help because she absolutely refuses to see her frequent black-outs are a problem, as well as her behaviour when she's drunk which is often out of control. Apart from the general nastiness the main worry for us when she's drunk is that she'll get herself into a really dangerous situation one day and we might not be around to get her out of it.

Not sure what to advise tbh without getting her to see her problem and act on it. The only solution as I see it is that she just shouldn't drink at all.

BeggyMitchell · 08/04/2023 12:10

Blackouts are a red flag when it comes to alcohol OP. Society isn't keen to acknowledge it though:

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/healing-addiction/202203/why-alcohol-blackouts-are-nothing-joke-about?amp

BuHao · 08/04/2023 12:17

I'm exactly like this. I'm not sure why, I think it's a physiological thing along with nerves. I can drink at home or in small gatherings with no problems, but put me in a free flow event with lots of people, then I drink quickly to calm my nerves, and then suddenly go over the edge. Once I forget, I never remember. I've had sex with many people that I regret, and have had to be carried home from events a few times since moving abroad. She should aim to drink as slowly as possible at events like this.

Coraline353 · 08/04/2023 12:47

WalkingThroughTreacle · 08/04/2023 11:44

Stop framing it as a trust issue. Focus on it being a safety issue. Of course she is going to be defensive and refer to how she feels about you when sober if you make it about trusting her. If you get her to think about how vulnerable she makes herself, when she gets as drunk as she does, then she might be more open to constructive discussion.

The same goes for you to. The fact that you focus on it being a trust issue makes me inclined to think you're more concerned about her getting up to something with another man than you are about the risk that she may end up being raped or assaulted. Is it about your ego or her wellbeing?

Show quote history

Totally this.

I'm fairly horrified you're framing this about not being able to trust her or that she might cheat. This isn't about what she might do when drunk as she's doesn't know what she's doing. The guy walking her down the road knew this. This is not what consenting drunken behaviour looks like. This is rape. She's incredibly vulnerable while drunk

vamptable · 08/04/2023 12:47

Some people drink too much to feel less anxious and to make the worries go away for a while. It's an incredible feeling - like the weight of the world has been lifted and suddenly you're this confident, outgoing person. So it really is difficult to stop in the moment
Does your wife have any problems with her mental health? Might be worth considering whether she's 'running' from anything whilst drinking

If so the issues need addressing, as well as her using alcohol as a crutch. One of my friends used to cheat every single time she got blind drunk and have anxiety attacks for weeks after about it. She was so regretful but it was like a compulsion, every single time. She refused to see alcohol as the problem it was for her & shes lost every partner she's ever loved. It's not worth consuming alcohol when you risk torpedoing your whole life every time - and that's not even considering the immediate safety issues

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 08/04/2023 12:50

She absolutely has an alcoholic problem.

She is an adult ffs. The risk of cheating is the least if it. She's putting repeatedly puttig herself in a very vulnerable position where she would injury herself, be robbed, raped, photographed, or even die.

You need to have a chat about why she doesn't value herself more sbd why she continues to do? She's making the choice to drink to excess. Why?

I had a friend like her. Not a big drinker often or even regular drinker but when out at big events he drank to excess. We all spoke to him about it at different times but didn't realise the seriousness of it as it was only occasionally & if I'm honest thought it would grow out of it. He often arrived home,no wallet or watch or would have gaps in the night, wasn't sure if he cheated etc but vague memories etc.

He died after a fall on a night out, he was only in his 30s. I won't post the link here but can send it you privately if you want. We wish we had done more when we had a chance. I'm not trying to scare you or be dramatic but it really is a big issue.

memesndmoreme · 08/04/2023 12:57

Definitely a drink problem they say is AA once you have one drink, thr phenomen of obsession takes over and you can't stop I.e. end up with blackouts (not remembering anything but still walking, talking etc) she sounds completely powerless after that first drink, which indicates alcoholism. You do not have go drink daily, or even weekly to be an alcoholic. If your powerless over that first drink chances are you are. Don't take the first drink and you can't get drunk. She should stop drinking.

Unicorn2022 · 08/04/2023 13:04

I'm probably reading this completely wrong but wondering if the OP is a woman not a man, and the OP's wife is flirting with other men and using the convenient excuse of not being able to remember anything to continue her awful behaviour. It sounds like she does have a drink problem but also has the OP well trained.

If my DH was standing beside me at a bar and I drunkenly followed another man, he would not take a few seconds to gather his stuff, he would be immediately shouting where the hell do you think you are going.

LadyWiddiothethird · 08/04/2023 13:06

I am an alcoholic 20years sober now,your wife is an alcoholic,lots of us females in recovery were binge drinkers,I think it is harder to accept you are an alcoholic when you binge drink.People have the idea alcoholics drink every day,not true at all.

She is putting herself in danger,no normal drinkers would do that.

Perhaps toy could give Al Anon a call and talk it through with someone who properly understands,I don’t think much advice here on Mumsnet is going to be helpful to you.

memesndmoreme · 08/04/2023 13:06

@IAteAllTheTomatoes I disagree she's making the choice to drink in excess, after an alcoholic has the first drink, they've lost all control and all bets are off the table. After the first drink it will set off a phenomenon of craving meaning she will drink herself into oblivion. She does have the choice of the first drink, if she doesn't have the first drink, she can't get drunk. She should stop drinking, abstinence.

SisterAgatha · 08/04/2023 13:11

i think she does have a drink problem. If alcohol is affecting her relationships then it is a problem. Drinking everyday is not the measure of a problem, how it affects you and your life is.

I found that after losing a lot of weight I became quite intolerant to alcohol, and also prey for this kind of thing from men as I am a talkative person who had no idea i was being chatted up. One man asked me outside and after that I have made an active decision to drink less. I go out and do the same as I normally would but just drink less to keep myself in control. I’m able to do this without a problem.

she needs to do the same tbh. Manage herself. And if she can’t… there’s the issue.

WunWun · 08/04/2023 13:12

Yes, my ex would always try to only drink a couple, but he couldn't stop it from turning into binge mode.

Ihadenough22 · 08/04/2023 13:22

Your wife has a problem with alcohol. For some people they start drinking and don't know when to stop. For other people even say 2 glasses of wine can effect them a lot.
When your wife is so drunk that she is unaware of what she is doing its only a matter of time before she ends up in trouble either falling, after being assaulted or raped or ends up in a police cell.

At this stage bring her out for a night and film her. Show her the film the next afternoon and tell her this is what you are like after a few drinks. Tell her friends to film her as well on their next night out also and let her see this. I would also not have drink in your house because she could be drinking on the sly. She may decide to drive when over the limit also.

At this stage you have to decide do you stay with her if she keeps drinking or do you walk away. I would use condoms if she could get pregnant because the pill might not work after she throws up when she is drunk. You don't want to bring a baby into this situation.

Wonnle · 08/04/2023 13:24

And you don't think she has a drink problem ?

Think again on that

SisterAgatha · 08/04/2023 13:25

DogsPyjamas · 08/04/2023 11:37

I have always been similar, in that after a certain point I have no idea what has happened the night before, which at times seemed to happen surprisingly quickly, almost like you’ve been spiked. This was all fun and games at one point, but now I actively aim to drink slowly/with food so haven’t blacked out in a long while.
The issue is that she thinks there is no problem. She needs to understand how vulnerable she is making herself.
I’m rather prone to catastrophic thinking so would worry I would get in a state and assault a police officer, get arrested, lose my job (all very out of character!)

This is exactly what happened to me when I out with a friend and we both either had too much or actually were spiked. My tolerance is so low now as well, it was hard to tell what had happened. I very actively monitor the amount I have and the feeling I have now, because I never want to feel like that night ever again. We still have good times and nights out and that’s the difference really. A non alcoholic can check themselves and amend there intake - an alcoholic cannot.

my mum has been in AA for decades and one drink would be the end, she’d not stop.

Weallgottachangesometime · 08/04/2023 13:27

Obviously you can’t tell her she can’t go out. That completely her choice. I would focus less on the concern about her cheating though, and look more widely at the fact that she is regularly drunk to the point of taking actions that are unsafe and that she wouldn’t want to take when sober.

If I were you I’d stop drinking with her. Say you want to do different things when you are out or go out for meals without drinking.I’d also explain your concern. At the end of the day though she has to make the choice to want to stop.

memesndmoreme · 08/04/2023 13:45

A family member of mine was also in AA and they said to him, if you have to try and control your alcohol consumption, then your likely not in control a.k.a powerless over alcohol.

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