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Original poster

Wife gets so drunk she can't remember what she does

106 replies

Rainkilt123 · 08/04/2023 10:02

My wife and I have been together 5 years. We enjoy a social drink once a month or so and go out once every 6 weeks or so. Ever since we met, when she's drinking she suddenly hits the wall, is falling about drunk. It's never really bothered me before as its not as if it's an every day thing. She never remembers anything from the point of blind drunkenness the next day. We were out a few months ago and this guy kept giving her the eye. Out of nowhere he comes up to her, right in front of me and asks her to go outside. Without even looking at me she picks up her handbag and follows him. It takes me a second or two to gather up my stuff and I follow her out. By the time I'm outside she's standing there and this guy is walking up the road. I ask her what the hell she's doing and she doesn't have a clue. Next day she doesn't remember a thing.

When she was single, she admitted she would go out and get drunk and hook up with guys on nights out. That's fine, her choice.

She has a few things coming up, two all day days out with girlfriends, a concert and a wedding. Now I'm wrecked with mistrust. I 100% trust her when sober or any other time but when she gets into this state she doesn't know what the hell she's doing I worry what she'll do and I don't trust her drunk. I've tried telling her in a round about way, tried laughing the guy at the bar off by saying to her, remember no wine that gets you smashed and she laughed it off too. Truth is I can't say for certainly that when drunk she won't do anything.

I have no idea how to address this. I really don't want to be that person who says you can't go to these things. I know her friends will look after her like I have to when she's like that but she's a wanderer. Buy I just don't have that trust when she's so drunk.

She doesn't have a drink problem. Just can't stop when at her limit.

OP posts:
LexMitior · 08/04/2023 18:54

Most alcoholics also have depression. I'm not saying you don't deal with the alcohol, but I'd also suggest that you look at the feelings that drive the behaviour. If not every day, then drinking like this will have emotional need involved.

memesndmoreme · 08/04/2023 18:56

LexMitior · 08/04/2023 18:54

Most alcoholics also have depression. I'm not saying you don't deal with the alcohol, but I'd also suggest that you look at the feelings that drive the behaviour. If not every day, then drinking like this will have emotional need involved.

Many people use alcohol as a crutch to stop their mind running away. They can't deal with emotions, so when you take away the alcohol, you need something to help with the mind. Talking and getting problems out in the open is the best help. But whatever she does, do not take the first drink. Its a hard road.

TakeMyStrongHand · 08/04/2023 19:06

Sorry, I'm a bit confused here. What was her reason for walking off with this man? Not knowing isn't a good enough answer because if she doesn't know, then she can't say she wouldn't cheat. And from what you're saying, she literally left you fumbling to grab all your stuff to follow some random?

There is drinking and playing up, which is a problem in itself but she is a few levels above that.

I wouldn't be happy with this behaviour. I would have to request that they stop as this is bad for their health and bad for your relationship.

Guessing no kids? Leave if she is not receptive or your suggestion to change.

OliveToboogie · 08/04/2023 19:07

As an alcoholic in recovery I can say 100% your wife is in denial at best. At worse she is having Alcoholic Blackouts. She won't remember a thing about her behaviour. However she is putting herself in a very very dangerous position. This could end in tragedy if she doesn't stop.

memesndmoreme · 08/04/2023 19:47

TakeMyStrongHand · 08/04/2023 19:06

Sorry, I'm a bit confused here. What was her reason for walking off with this man? Not knowing isn't a good enough answer because if she doesn't know, then she can't say she wouldn't cheat. And from what you're saying, she literally left you fumbling to grab all your stuff to follow some random?

There is drinking and playing up, which is a problem in itself but she is a few levels above that.

I wouldn't be happy with this behaviour. I would have to request that they stop as this is bad for their health and bad for your relationship.

Guessing no kids? Leave if she is not receptive or your suggestion to change.

She won't know why. So saying she would ever isn't true. In a blackout you don't know what your doing or why. So she could or would sleep with someone and not know why or even remember of she had. It's a horrible thing for everyone involved. She needs to stop drinking, if not OP for your sanity you need to walk away. It will eat you alive and cause you so much stress, worry and anxiety. And you can't do a thing until she recognises a problem and seeks help. Please no not have children with her. It will only bring their childhood into it😪

HouseByTheSeaside · 08/04/2023 19:53

Mumped · 08/04/2023 10:07

Also, regarding your last few lines. Read them back to yourself.

Of course she has a drink problem. Her drinking literally causes problems in her relationship and is putting her in an extremely vulnerable state. You don’t have to be a daily drinker pouring vodka on your cornflakes to have a drink problem.

This.

HouseByTheSeaside · 08/04/2023 19:54

Rainkilt123 · 08/04/2023 10:15

Thanks for your comments. I've had the calm conversation and the response is, you don't trust me, I would never do anything, I love you, no one interests me in the slightest. Which I believe. When sober enough

When I said drink problem I was more meeting alcoholic problem. But I agree with you in that her actions are a problem to her safety etc

It's an alcoholic problem op.

LuciferRising · 08/04/2023 20:01

I have blackouts fairly easily so do not drink much or around people I do not know. I dont think you need to be an alcoholic to have them.

In my 20s a much older man, in a position of trust, plied me with alcohol and I know we had sex because of one tiny flashback, and because he paid a visiting two days later begging me not to tell anyone. When he realised I couldn't remember, he seemed panicked.

It's a vulerable situation to be in.

Moser85 · 08/04/2023 22:51

This is absolutely wrong! Alcoholics frequently experience blackouts and are no way able to consent to sex

Someone experiencing a blackout can appear fine to the other person though, walking/talking/engaging etc. They could be enthusiastic about having sex with the other person.

Experiencing a blackout doesn't mean that the person was incapacitated.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 09/04/2023 00:38

HangingOver · 08/04/2023 16:36

From experience these things only change when the person hits a ‘rock bottom’ when the drinking goes much too far

This narrative needs to get in the bin tbh. It's a self-fulling prophecy. We need to normalise and destigmatize early intervention around alcohol misuse and stop acting like it's a shameful personality flaw that some people get addictive to a highly addictive an socialitally normalise poison. The less shame attached to alcohol dependence, the more people will be able to ask for help before they've lost everything and fucked up their whole life.

Totally agree

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 09/04/2023 04:34

memesndmoreme · 08/04/2023 18:27

This is absolutely wrong! Alcoholics frequently experience blackouts and are no way able to consent to sex

Show quote history

No, it is not wrong. Of course there are cases where people are too drunk to consent however not having memories of what happened the next day is not evidence that you were too drunk to consent at the time that you had sex.

WunWun · 09/04/2023 09:07

When my ex husband was in a blackout it was like a switch flipped. He wasn't there anymore. He was walking and talking but what he was saying didn't line up with the conversation and he would repeat things. It was as though he was talking in his sleep, trying to have conversations with others but actually it was just whatever was happening in his head.

The OP's wife walked off with another man at the drop of a hat whilst right in front of him. Are you suggesting she was just genuinely wanting to cheat on him and leave with someone else right in front of him?

shutthewindownow · 09/04/2023 09:14

Good for her

JoeLovesGina · 09/04/2023 09:37

Could you film her when she's in this state then show it to her the next day?

Isthatascratchonmygrandmother · 09/04/2023 10:11

The key to stopping can be found through causation and not consequences. I would get black out drunk, feel weeks of horrendous shame and anxiety about my actions, did I cheat? Was I offensive? Was I assaulted?
Beer fear is joked about but it can be living hell for those who get black out drunk. But not enough to deter me, the weeks would pass and I'd forget the anguish caused to myself and others, I'd take my husbands forgiveness and promise that it would never happen again, until it did. Consequences didn't scare me enough obviously. It wasn't until I sought therapy that I unpacked alot of emotional trauma that needed addressing and learned to understand my relationship with alcohol. With that, comes more research and education. Realising I have a genetic vulnerability to alcohol (alcoholic parents) is enough to deter me now.

TheJudgeandJury · 09/04/2023 10:14

I suffer with MH and drinking makes my "demons" worse and I can get into a state like that so I simply don't drink because I want to keep myself safe.

Your wife really needs to seriously consider the danger she's putting herself (and her relationship) in and what she wants more. Drinking to the point of not remembering anything in the morning is a drinking problem imo.

FiledAwayInABox · 09/04/2023 10:45

That's really bad. You can say you don't trust her because you actually can't trust and have proof. It doesn't make any difference if it's because she's drunk or not. She is putting herself in danger and putting you in danger. The type of guy will to have sex (is it rape?) with someone so drunk isn't going to be worried about stds and safe sex.

I think this is divorce worthy unless she is willing to stop drinking.

Kenny69 · 09/04/2023 13:08

If it’s making you feel like like this and your wife won’t alter her behaviour, then I would look to split

TooOldForThisNonsense · 09/04/2023 15:19

I have had a drink problem (now sober) and while it didn’t manifest like your wife’s I have read a lot of quit lit by female authors who have ended up in situations they can’t remember that they would never have done sober. Waking up in a strange bed, with unknown men going down on them/having sex with them, even when happily partnered. It’s scary. You are right to be concerned, but if she won’t address it, there’s nothing You can do other than decide if it’s a relationship you want to continue in x

TooOldForThisNonsense · 09/04/2023 15:21

shutthewindownow · 09/04/2023 09:14

Good for her

What is? Becoming so intoxicated she goes into blackout and puts her life/health/marriage at risk?

billy1966 · 09/04/2023 18:28

She absolutely has a drink problem and you are both massively in denial.

Do you plan on having children?

Because you would be out of your mind to have children with someone who is drinking so heavily regularly and so cavalier with her safety.

I think you need to talk to someone about this, so your head is clear when you speak to her.

She may not believe she has a problem, but she does.

It's not the getting a bit pissed which people do, its the blacking out that is the worry.

It is not normal to black out regularly.

You are correct to be concerned.

You cannot try to control what she does.

She needs to take responsibility for herself.

Can2022getanyworse · 12/04/2023 07:55

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 09/04/2023 04:34

No, it is not wrong. Of course there are cases where people are too drunk to consent however not having memories of what happened the next day is not evidence that you were too drunk to consent at the time that you had sex.

Show quote history

Then you and I have very different opinions on what consent means.

Someone who is SO drunk that they forget what happened the night before was NOT able to give consent (even if they agreed at the time) - this CANNOT be consent as they were too intoxicated to make informed choices.

It's like asking a kid to steal a treat out of the cookie jar - they will regret it afterwards when they get told off, but you would be in the wrong for encourage them to steal because they don't have the faculty (or legal responsibility) to make informed choices.

You should not have sex with someone that drunk. If you believe that a woman so drunk can consent then good luck proving it should you ever need to.

sladys · 12/04/2023 08:08

@Can2022getanyworse I agree that if someone is so drunk that they can't talk/walk/make sense etc then anyone who took advantage of them would not have their consent.

However it's not that clear cut. I'm one of the posters below that explained I used to regularly black out after not drinking an absolutely excessive amount.

I used to wake up in bed next to my (ex)H with no recollection whatsoever. He'd fill me in on the night before but also tell me that I seemed tipsy but ok. Friends always verified this when I'd chat to them. They were always shocked I didn't remember cos I'd seemed ok.

The first time that I had blacked out after drinking with DH and we'd had sex he was absolutely mortified that we'd slept together and I hadn't remembered it. He genuinely hadn't realised I was that drunk as I was functioning "normally" and seemed myself, albeit a bit tipsy,

In fact, I blacked out at my own wedding and the next day everyone was laughing at how drunk DH was but was saying I just seemed happy, dancing the night away and having a laugh. Nobody though I was excessively drunk yet I don't remember it

billyt · 12/04/2023 14:13

My SIL is like this. Butter wouldn't melt when sober. Couple of glasses of red wine and she completely changes.

I've been told I can do whatever I want to her right there and then. Even had this whispered in my ear at a party where my wife (her sister) was sat on the other side of me!

I avoid her if we're anywhere drinking is involved. Yet she's a lovely, friendly person when sober.

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 13/04/2023 21:31

Can2022getanyworse · 12/04/2023 07:55

Then you and I have very different opinions on what consent means.

Someone who is SO drunk that they forget what happened the night before was NOT able to give consent (even if they agreed at the time) - this CANNOT be consent as they were too intoxicated to make informed choices.

It's like asking a kid to steal a treat out of the cookie jar - they will regret it afterwards when they get told off, but you would be in the wrong for encourage them to steal because they don't have the faculty (or legal responsibility) to make informed choices.

You should not have sex with someone that drunk. If you believe that a woman so drunk can consent then good luck proving it should you ever need to.

Show quote history

There is no way to know that someone will have a blackout before it happens. You can't foresee the future. They do not always look drunk at the time. A blackout is not stumbling around slurring words. A blackout is not passing out. A blackout means that after the fact they don't remember it, it tells you nothing about how intoxicated they appeared to be at the time. How would you know someone who currently is functioning fine in front of you will not remember this tomorrow?