Wife gets so drunk she can't remember what she does

[Rainkilt123]

My wife and I have been together 5 years. We enjoy a social drink once a month or so and go out once every 6 weeks or so. Ever since we met, when she's drinking she suddenly hits the wall, is falling about drunk. It's never really bothered me before as its not as if it's an every day thing. She never remembers anything from the point of blind drunkenness the next day. We were out a few months ago and this guy kept giving her the eye. Out of nowhere he comes up to her, right in front of me and asks her to go outside. Without even looking at me she picks up her handbag and follows him. It takes me a second or two to gather up my stuff and I follow her out. By the time I'm outside she's standing there and this guy is walking up the road. I ask her what the hell she's doing and she doesn't have a clue. Next day she doesn't remember a thing.

When she was single, she admitted she would go out and get drunk and hook up with guys on nights out. That's fine, her choice.

She has a few things coming up, two all day days out with girlfriends, a concert and a wedding. Now I'm wrecked with mistrust. I 100% trust her when sober or any other time but when she gets into this state she doesn't know what the hell she's doing I worry what she'll do and I don't trust her drunk. I've tried telling her in a round about way, tried laughing the guy at the bar off by saying to her, remember no wine that gets you smashed and she laughed it off too. Truth is I can't say for certainly that when drunk she won't do anything.

I have no idea how to address this. I really don't want to be that person who says you can't go to these things. I know her friends will look after her like I have to when she's like that but she's a wanderer. Buy I just don't have that trust when she's so drunk.

She doesn't have a drink problem. Just can't stop when at her limit.

I’m really sorry but your wife does have a drink problem. Your wife is an alcoholic.

The sooner your denial ends the sooner you can help her with hers. But addressing this issue is ultimately on her. You might find it useful to access Al Anon meetings either in person or online - these are for friends/relatives of alcoholics and might help give you some insight.

If you think the problem will just disappear if, for instance, she got pregnant then you’re deluding yourself. Make sure you take responsibility for contraception if you have any fear of raising a child with an alcoholic.

I'm similar, I wasn't drinking often but when out I didn't have an off button. It didn't happen often but it was too much and I hated that I always risked making an arse it myself.

After one hangover too many I have completely quit. My mum is an alcoholic and as a teenager I hated that I knew if she'd been drinking and I 100% don't want my children to experience that. My husband will have a drink but he knows when to stop and I have never seen him be falling over drunk. Ever.

As has been said, she does indeed has a drink problem. She can't stop and drinks to the point where she loses control and potentially puts herself in dangerous situations. She has blackouts. And her drinking causes you immense stress. It also sounds as if she is fully in denial, which means you are powerless in this situation because she does not want to change.

I would suggest you find support from either Al-Anon or Smart Family&Friends so that you can talk to people who have walked in your shoes. They will teach you the difference between supporting and enabling, and they will help you handle the sense of guilt. Ultimately there are two ways this can go: she admits she has a problem and gets sober, or you go your separate ways.

I used to drink to the point I sometimes blacked out. My DP told me I was disgusting when I'm drunk. He repeated what I'd said and done.

I stopped right there and then.

If she was walking off with another man in front of you then you have no reason to think she won't repeat.

She needs to stop drinking to stay in the relationship.

She does have a drink problem. She lacks the ability to know when she's heading for the wall and stop drinking before she gets there. Nothing you will do or say will give her that off switch. The only options are for her not to drink at all, or for someone to 'mind' her when she does.
I was the minder for my DP many years ago. It was a miserable, thankless existence of never being able to relax and enjoy any occasion involving alcohol. Not to mention the accusations that I was a kill joy, controlling, hysterical about alcohol that inevitably came when i tried to head off disaster.
And like you with her upcoming events, there was times when I couldn't be there, so spent the night on pins wondering if there'd be that knock on the door.
I doubt she'll stop drinking. So your options are to leave her now, or buckle up for a rough ride.

"She doesn't have a drink problem. Just can't stop when at her limit"

That is a drink problem.

She does have a drink problem. Ultimately, she has to see it and address it herself. There’s nothing you can do.

From experience these things only change when the person hits a ‘rock bottom’ when the drinking goes much too far

This narrative needs to get in the bin tbh. It's a self-fulling prophecy. We need to normalise and destigmatize early intervention around alcohol misuse and stop acting like it's a shameful personality flaw that some people get addictive to a highly addictive an socialitally normalise poison. The less shame attached to alcohol dependence, the more people will be able to ask for help before they've lost everything and fucked up their whole life.

She definitely has a drink problem, she would be considered a 'problem drinker'.

When my ex went to AA he said most of the people there were 'problem drinkers', not alcoholics.

It sounds horrendous but next time she's in this state video her and show her when she's sober. The problem with not remembering is it let's you not acknowledge the state you are. From personal experience this might shame her into realisation.

Op as other posters have suggested, please go to Al Anon. You will get help and support from people who have been through/are going through the same thing.

Your wife needs to stop drinking if she doesn't understand her limits. She's a danger to herself and also to others around her if she gets blackout and isn't in control of herself/becomes a different person/cannot remember. She's not just making herself vulnerable to predators but she could even turn violent/cause fights/do stupid things like drink driving etc that harm others.

Unfortunately, if she's in denial about what a liability she is when drunk, you can't force the issue. And you cant monitor her drinking your whole life - she needs to understand how seriously you take it. I would once again raise the issue of the problems she's causing when drinking - it's also not fair of her to dump all responsibility for her safety on her friends because it will affect their night out as well. I've gotten fed up of friends like this in the past and stopped hanging out with them for drinks because I have to spent my night being a babysitter .

Another unpleasant thought to consider (and sorry to bring it up) - is your wife happy in your marriage and her life otherwise? Because it is a possibility that she is using alcohol to enable reckless living/choices she can't live day to day. And maybe she is aware that she gets flirty with men and doesn't mind - she can always use being drunk as a way to excuse cheating. Enough men do this....

Your wife has a huge drinking problem. Drinking like this isn't normal, and it's unbelievably dangerous. I'm horrified and actually sad that she doesn't see the issue with this. She is making herself a perfect victim for rapists and predators, the magnitude of how vulnerable she's making herself can't be overstated. I would be very concerned about her safety when she goes out with her friends.

I have know many people like your wife over the years. Some people should never, ever touch alcohol. Your wife is one of them. It's like a switched gets flipped and they have no ability to judge how much they've had to drink.

Not remembering the next day does not mean you weren't able to consent. Not remembering is the result of anterograde amnesia where your brain stops forming memories - it isn't about how able to consent or not consent you were. There are many factors that determine whether or not someone experiences anterograde amnesia. Some people never experience it, others experience it after only a drink or two.

If his wife is walking and talking and only appears tipsy and is a voluntary participant in a sex act with a man who has also been drinking and is tipsy and who has a person who to him is a voluntary participant consenting to sex - it isn't rape because she doesn't remember it the next day to anterograde amnesia.

People cheat after drinking all the time. It happens. OP has a right to be concerned about that. His wife is just as much a responsible adult as all the other men and women on the planet. She can make good and bad decisions. Both men and women make these - and both make worse decisions after drinking. Sometimes both men and women leave bars after drinking with someone who isn't their partner - not every man or woman who does this is being sexually assaulted.

This is absolutely wrong! Alcoholics frequently experience blackouts and are no way able to consent to sex

If your ex went to AA then you would know AA doesn't speak about problem drinkers. Your an alcoholic or not and the onus is on the person whether or not they decide they are or are not an alcoholic. You go to AA and if you can find parts of the talk that sound familiar to you, along with the first drink part then you decide if you are. I.e. don't take the first drink and you won't get drunk, the phenomenon of craving, blackouts, shame, guilt and remorse.

She absolutely IS an alcoholic....

A person who can’t stop drinking once they start is one type of alcoholic. Your wife absolutely has a drinking problem.

you need to lay out the situation very plainly. She needs to seek treatment for her problem.

you should be prepared to divorce if she does not get this under control, but you don’t have to be at that point yet. If she accepts that she has a problem and gets help, the situation can improve.

Most people picture an alcoholic as someone who drinks all day every day and can’t do anything else. The type of people who will go into withdrawal if they don’t have the next drink. That just isn’t the reality.

Most alcoholics are functional alcoholics. Alcohol damages their lives in many ways, but they often are able to pass for normal much of the time.

You need to stop laughing things off. This is a serious issue and she needs to take it and you seriously. So have a real chat with her, no jokes no giggles. List all the examples you have when she wandered off or put herself in danger. Tell her she left with another bloke while sat next to you. And yes, admit you don't trust her when drunk , because she's not in control. If you have any visual evidence (pics,videos) of her behaviour when she's not in control show her that.

She has a drink problem, nothing to do with trusting. So when she’s had few too many off she goes with strange men. I’d say this is not only serious it’s dangerous

She absolutely is. I'll probably need to name change now, but I've been sober over 10 years and a member of AA, she's an alcoholic. I know only the person can decide etc, but she clearly is powerless after the first drink. Only she can decide to change, but OP you do not need to stay for the ride if she choses not to get help ot accept her problems. Please check out Al anon .

Is your wife happy, do you think? She sounds not. A drink issue is often founded in unhappiness. I'd say that is where you start.

Not necessarily. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.

My replies are not just based on AA but my work for many years in rehabilitation centres