Help me get through the next few weeks - no contact

[Tanaria]

There is a man at work I have had a huge crush on for almost a year now. He is in a long, committed relationship and has never given me any indication that he reciprocates my affection and I did not tell him how I felt, but we got on very well (also outside of work) and worked very closely together.

I now have a new job in a different location. I lost my cool a few days ago and sent him a very old school letter telling him how I felt and that I needed to stop contact. He was incredibly kind about it (and me) and ended his response by wishing me good luck for the future.

I don't regret sending him the letter; it was the right thing to do.

But I need help in getting through the next few weeks. It feels like drug withdrawal right now; every fibre in my body just wants another hit. I do what I can to distract myself, but it's difficult because I'm on leave until my new job starts in a week, so every waking moment and quite a few dreams are taken up by what I can only call obsessive thoughts about him.

I know it will get easier over time and once my new job starts I will hopefully be way too busy to think too much. In the meantime, though, please help me get through this phase.

You're being too harsh on yourself @Tanaria This feeling will pass. Even if you can feel 1% better each day from here on, that will be a great achievement. To quote your post you want us to "help me get through the next few weeks - no contact" We'll be here for you.

I'm joining this thread too 😭. I feel like I'm obsessed with this man ! We met up yesterday out of the blue and even tho we didn't have sex we kissed , cuddled ect it was amazing. I'm constantly hoping he texts me and checking when he's on line . God why !!!

Mixed bag today. I feel calmer, but still immensely sad.

Over-analysing some of our last encounters, both at work and in private, and finding it very difficult not to think about what he meant, but then he was never someone who straight out said what he thought; quite the opposite, he was incredibly good at hiding what he thought.

I wonder whether he misses me at all.

I'm in a much better place, emotionally. But I miss him a lot and I still wonder if he misses me, even thinks about me at all.

It just doesn't hurt quite as much now. Perhaps the worst is over? It's been a week of no contact now.

You’ll get there. We all do eventually😊

Update.

It's been a month since I last saw him. Around 4 weeks since I sent the letter, 2 and a half weeks since our last contact (has it really been that little? We needed to briefly exchange some strictly work-related messages, but that shouldn't need to happen now and if we ever are in contact again through work it will be conferences or if he transfers, too, which is very unlikely).

On work days I am mostly fine; I just don't have the time to dwell much on thoughts around him, though he is still very much on my mind first thing in the mornings and last thing at night. On days I am by myself it still hurts and I still cry a lot.

I had an idea and it might get shut down here, or maybe some will see why I thought this. We were due to start a shared hobby together, for financial and organisational reasons it would have been this time next year.

Would it be completely insane to think that I could just defer any thoughts of contact until that time comes next year? That I could gently say hello once I start the hobby by myself? I am very much anticipating that, by then, I will be well over this crush and who knows, maybe even with someone else again myself.

My thinking is that, by then, things will be a lot less crowded in my mind. And if I can defer in my thoughts now until that time, that it takes some of the obsessive nature around the forbidden fruit of talking, as it were, away, because, in my mind, I will talk to him again, but not until then? That is regardless of whether I still care enough to actually do this this time next year.

Given we have parted on very friendly terms, is that thought process reasonable at all?

I don't see any reason why you can't do what you're suggesting if that's what you want. Is it a decision you have to make now or not? Thanks for the update and hope you're ok.

Tanaria

in a years time you will feel very differently
please believe me !

do you have to make the decision now ?
i remember your post and it’s still early days

No, it's not a commitment as such. It's more that if I decide today that I will contact him again in a year's time, it takes the hurt out of the "I will never speak to him again", because it becomes, instead, a "I just need to wait 12 more months and then we can talk", and that seems infinitely easier for now. And in a year's time I may not even care enough to follow through.

Though I have to say I am quite proud, in a way. Neither of us have had to resort to blocking one another and from various settings on our apps I know he hasn't deleted me as a contact, either.

Now I want to make it to a month without any contact whatsoever. On my calendar, that doesn't seem too long.

It was a better day today with work. I guess I am grieving, in a way. I missed the anger stage, but the rest was definitely there.

I actually think you were very brave. I wouldn’t be threatened or angry if some woman wrote a letter to my partner if I was secure in the knowledge that there was nothing on his part.

Here's the thing, though: they're not secure.

But to see that, they're a very long way off. He's in denial. Doesn't make staying away from him easier, mind.

Help me stay strong, please. I really miss him (hormonal, on AF and fuck me, it's getting worse as I get older, hormonally - please, menopause, be here soon?).

@Tanaria did he flirt with you or show signs of attraction?

You need to let this go at almost 40 years of age. This is absolutely mental behaviour and even more so for you still to be moping after some guy you've never even had a relationship with! If was his partner I'd have laughed initially at the letter but if you ever got back in touch if be fuuuuming. Also your judgement of their relationship being insecure, not lasting, I imagine that's I'm your head. Kindly for your own sake just meet someone else.

What you're describing sounds like limerence - a completely unrequited but overwhelming crush on someone. It often comes at a time of trouble all loss, when it is easier to transfer feelings onto the remote person than to deal with your actual pain. I had severe limerence for an ex-boss following my miscarriage when DH didn't really know how to support me. The boss was very sweet and vulnerable and I think my desire to care for my lost child got mashed up into a romantic crush.

Was he kind to you in a way no one else has been, about something you feel incredibly deeply but hide? Or did you meet him following a bereavement or breakup or huge falling out or other trauma? It's worth looking into what might have triggered the limerence.

Meanwhile - you have time off before your next job. Choose a project - a really rewarding one - whether it's ticking something off your bucket list or redecorating your home or just massively diving into self-help therapy and self care, do something that fills every moment in a very satisfying nurturing way. If you want to think of him, instead watch Ted/You tube talks on limerence or download some CBT stuff on self care and self compassion.

See friends but not for heart-to-hearts. Go to gigs or films or comedy nights or really tough workouts where you can barely chat.

It will pass.

Well. Does it matter much if he called me honey once, his pet name for his girlfriend, when he asked me what was wrong a few weeks ago? (I said "shit" after sneezing). He thought I hand't heard his pet name and I didn't say a thing.

Does it matter if an otherwise aloof person knows when he says how are you and I say "I'm okay" and I'm really not, he says "No, you're not, what's up"?

Does it matter if I noticed that he used to try and make me laugh and blossom if I did? He really lit up.

But... He's not a flirt. He's like Giles in Buffy. He's rubbish at direct flirting, but good at picking up social cues.

No, they're not secure. They've been together almost 20 years, not moved in, not married, though he proposed on her demands years back and although she is much older than him, doesn't do housework and the last time they lived together he said he was glad he had his own space back when she moved back out (Covid). They will move in eventually and that's when it will fall apart. But he doesn't like change and is comfortable for now.

I really love him. I know he hates change, he doesn't commit. I know he is all kinds of wrong for me. And most days, I'm okay. And then there are the days when I've had too much time on my hands and too much time in my head. And I want him.

Calling you honey - no, doesn't matter. I call my partner honey. Also close friends, my sister and by accident the girl who served me in subway the other day. Means nothing.

Asking you if you're okay and being concerned that you're not. No, means nothing. Any friend would do this.

Making you laugh, means nothing. He saw you as a friend and men like when people laugh at their jokes.

Go to therapy. Go on online dating.

Exactly this.

I cringe at every update. This man wasn't any real part of your personal life and you're acting like he was your first love and dearest husband who has been whisked away.

It's borderline stalker behaviour. So unhealthy and weird fantasy.

Stop stalking this poor man. Limerence is just another word for stalking and your behaviour is just excruciating

Please access some therapy asap and leave this man alone

MNHQ should actually pull this thread because imagine if this was a man typing out all this? All this creepy stalkery stuff

@Tanaria can you share what the song is? I’m going through something similar and think it might help.

Crushes are the best and worst feeling.

@LoonyLois The song is not in English and uses a lot of imagery, so I'm not sure it would be helpful unless you are fluent in that language.

@TheBlindOwl From the police.uk website.
Stalking may include:

• regularly following someone
• repeatedly going uninvited to their home
• checking someone’s internet use, email or other electronic communication
• hanging around somewhere they know the person often visits
• interfering with their property
• watching or spying on someone
• identity theft (signing-up to services, buying things in someone's name)

Please don't accuse me of illegal behaviour when none of the above applies in the slightest. The "poor man" has been entirely left alone by me, bar one brief exchange essential to both our work a week or so after we said our goodbyes.

@Nimo12 The reason I mentioned all of the above:
He never uses pet names for anyone bar his partner; it just slipped out in conversation with me one time when he was concerned. I didn't react to it, but I did pick up on him addressing me that way because it was unusual.

Again, the asking after me was unusual - he never does that with others. Neither does he privately go out with other people he works with, but did with me, repeatedly.

I took all this as a mere expression of him being close to me, and in many ways we were very close. He definitely made far more of an effort with me than with many other people he knows and likes. That was just in reply as to whether I thought he was flirting with me. Never openly, no, but he behaved markedly differently with me.

As for those people on here who'd be "furious" if I got back in contact - I think it is safe to say that I wouldn't get back in touch if I didn't feel differently in a year's time. But I'm old enough to understand the different time and distance make to a crush and fully anticipate to be over this, like I said in the beginning, in a short while.

I miss the man's friendship, is all. We have gone from practically daily chats to suddenly nothing and given what a big part we played in each other's lives, both at work and privately, that leaves a big hole to fill. And yes, some days I do that better than others.

You're embarrassing. And you can link and quote what you like ... you're harassing and stalking this man and he deserves peace from your unwanted and creepy attentions

"
I really love him. I know he hates change, he doesn't commit. I know he is all kinds of wrong for me. And most days, I'm okay. And then there are the days when I've had too much time on my hands and too much time in my head. And I want him. "

And your words about how she doesn't do housework and how they'll definitely definitely 'fall apart' soon

You are a creepy stalker and need some help. I'd be so so uncomfortable if I was this man,
Knowing you were so obsessed with me

Absolutely.

I have no idea why so many posters are entertaining this appalling behaviour. Usually MN is the first place to shut this kind of shit down. Unless they are encouraging her for entertainment value?

If this guy saw this thread, OP would be off to the police station. It's beyond an unhealthy obsession. She doesn't even register on this guy's radar. He muttered a few words at her on a handful of occasions and she thinks he loves her, if only it wasn't for his pesky wife, they would be love eternal. It's so creepy and desperate.

He literally barely knows who she is. It's plain to see. At 40yrs old, OP, you really need help.