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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me get through the next few weeks - no contact

132 replies

Tanaria · 07/04/2023 08:00

There is a man at work I have had a huge crush on for almost a year now. He is in a long, committed relationship and has never given me any indication that he reciprocates my affection and I did not tell him how I felt, but we got on very well (also outside of work) and worked very closely together.

I now have a new job in a different location. I lost my cool a few days ago and sent him a very old school letter telling him how I felt and that I needed to stop contact. He was incredibly kind about it (and me) and ended his response by wishing me good luck for the future.

I don't regret sending him the letter; it was the right thing to do.

But I need help in getting through the next few weeks. It feels like drug withdrawal right now; every fibre in my body just wants another hit. I do what I can to distract myself, but it's difficult because I'm on leave until my new job starts in a week, so every waking moment and quite a few dreams are taken up by what I can only call obsessive thoughts about him.

I know it will get easier over time and once my new job starts I will hopefully be way too busy to think too much. In the meantime, though, please help me get through this phase.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tanaria · 09/04/2023 11:46

Stalking is an active act. It's not mere obsession, it's harassment by active observation and/ or active pursuit. I don't do that.

And yes, @Thisisworsethananticpated being ND makes obsessions worse, as does a personality prone to addiction genetically, which are both present here. Doing well without blocking, though - screenshooting our last conversation and being able to read it offline has made a massive difference.

OP posts:
Dontbelieveaword · 09/04/2023 11:47

@Thisisworsethananticpated and OP writing and declaring her love for a work colleague (who they knew was in a long term committed relationship) was not unnecessary and unkind? I'm a grown adult who can give myself permission to comment on an online forum when an anonymous person posts their life story on an anonymous online forum asking for anonymous online opinions and advice. Don't be bloody hypocritical. There was nothing unnecessary or unkind in my comment ,but if you found it to be so, maybe you're participating in the wrong kind of anonymous, online forum?

Wellillsayitifnooneelsewill · 09/04/2023 12:08

Tanaria · 08/04/2023 17:20

Yes, a spot of beauty. A memory I look upon fondly.

Also, I don't fantasize about him splitting with his partner; I merely know it's very likely to happen and only mentioned that in response to another poster asking me to respect the relationship. But - here's the thing everyone seems to ignore - I don't want her spot. It wouldn't work.

Are there really so many people on here that cannot fathom keeping what they feel, what they think and how they act apart from each other? Emotionally I'm very attached to this man, but not logically - I know exactly why he wouldn't be good for me. I also know exactly why the friendship needed to end; that doesn't mean I can't or won't mourn it.

Right now, I'm working on the not acting. I'm also working on the not feeling, but that's harder to quantify. My head is already sorted, always has been, to an extent. Maybe being ND helps there to an extent; I can put everything in neat boxes. But in my boxes metaphor, he's putting up a bit of a fight in getting in there. I know he will, eventually. I know everything will be fine, eventually.

And no, I will not block him on everything. That doesn't stop me from going cold turkey. I don't go online to check whether he's there, I have plenty of connections to not constantly see his name pop up anyway, he doesn't post and I don't post much, either - what little I do post could happily be viewed by my grandparents were any of them still alive.

I merely want to be able to handle this like the middle-aged adult I am. In RL I don't know anyone who'd see the need to block people unless they harrass them. And I have no intention of being that person or have a negative ending in any way.

Anyway, gardening has done me some good. I feel lighter, happier. A little dopamine hit from accomplishing something (digging up a small spot and planting some wildflowers). This is what's needed.

Mate … you are nuts

BlackBarbies · 09/04/2023 12:17

😂😂

Thisisworsethananticpated · 09/04/2023 12:23

pathetically needy and ridiculous

Dontbelieveaword those were your words and they struck me as being unecessarily unkind

it’s not healthy behaviour and we all know that and I think OP does too

when someone is clearly in a bad way online I try and moderate my tone and not kick someone when they are down

anyway , you do you !

Original poster
Tanaria · 09/04/2023 12:28

Mate … you are nuts

As if that's an insult 😁

OP posts:
NaturalBae · 09/04/2023 12:33

Your posts indicate that you’re doing too much re. the way you have analysed and come to your own conclusions about their 20 year relationship. You have predicted that their 20 year relationship will ultimately not go anywhere, and that you would not be in a relationship with him even if he was single.

ND or not, yes you sound obsessed with this man and I would be very concerned about you and what you would be prepared to do if you were obsessing over my partner like this.

Dontbelieveaword · 09/04/2023 12:36

@Thisisworsethananticpated I was 'doing me!' until you unnecessarily and unkindly told me I was trying to hide behind anonymity to be unnecessarily unkind.

Wellillsayitifnooneelsewill · 09/04/2023 12:36

Tanaria · 09/04/2023 12:28

Mate … you are nuts

As if that's an insult 😁

Not meant as an insult. Just stating the obvious 😂 you are absolutely bonkers

Original poster
Tanaria · 09/04/2023 12:51

I would be very concerned about you and what you would be prepared to do if you were obsessing over my partner like this.

Like what, exactly? Again, I have literally taken myself out of the equation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tanaria · 09/04/2023 12:52

Wellillsayitifnooneelsewill · 09/04/2023 12:36

Not meant as an insult. Just stating the obvious 😂 you are absolutely bonkers

Show quote history

Well, that I can get behind...

OP posts:
Pegfriedrice · 09/04/2023 13:07

I’d be focusing on the embarrassment of having sent the letter. That’d help me move on as quickly as possible.

motherofkevinnotperry · 09/04/2023 13:09

Very similar situation to yourself. The chemistry was off the charts, butterflies, nervousness, blushing but I'm married and while he was single and clearly there was a very strong attraction our lives are in totally different places, he's 10 years older than me. I find him very attractive in every way but I need to stop using it as a distraction and focus on the issues in my relationship that have led to the need for the distraction.

I've deleted WhatsApp conversations. Nothing inappropriate just friendly and work related, nothing DH hasn't seen but it had to go. We live very near each other and will inevitably bump into each other at some point. I've already seen him twice driving behind me and each time it makes me feel sick with nerves. I've ignored him on each occasion.

It's the effort required to not mentally think about him that's hell. He's in my head constantly and while I'm going out with the family and doing new things with friends it's early days and it's still a battle. Also being realistic if he did turn up on the doorstep declaring himself to me there's no way I'd blow my family apart for him.

You're far from on your own in this rp. It's really hard but your fantasies aren't reality, they're fake. Your fantasy is yours alone. The letter bit i don't fully get. I can understand writing it for closure but I'd never actually send it.

Original poster
Tanaria · 09/04/2023 13:29

There is literally zero embarrassment about sending the letter from my side. I maintain that it was healthy, and necessary for me. I couldn't/ wouldn't have called and social media was the wrong platform for this. I am very much of the old school when it comes to how I use different media to communicate, and a letter was the next most personal thing to seeing him in person.

OP posts:
poshme · 09/04/2023 13:43

I agree with @brbinajot

If I found a letter to my DH from a woman telling him how obsessed she was I would be very concerned.

You should have just backed away. You have no idea of the damage you could be causing with your obsession. And all your talk of their relationship on how it's doomed to fail. It's bonkers!

Original poster
Tanaria · 09/04/2023 13:48

Again, with the assumptions. It's not like I have written to him about my undying love for all eternity or whatever you envisage 😂

I get it, you would have handled it differently, but that's not how I row my canoe.

Can we now focus on the healing process again?

Finishing off the Easter dinner prep and then off for a walk while the sun is still shining. The sad moments have already become fewer than they were two days ago or even yesterday.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 09/04/2023 13:52

motherofkevinnotperry

if it’s any consolation these intense crushes pass

i had a few when with my ex
never acted in them

one was a guy from work and we are actually friends now , I can see he’d be a disaster

another one (and boy I went loopy for him , never met him 🤦‍♀️) is now getting his texts non replies as literally have nothing to say to him

but at the time they consumed me 24/7

i don’t know if it’s a ND thing or everything gets this

DHsPoorBack · 09/04/2023 14:37

Are you the OP who was posting a week or so ago about this identical situation. Where you'd got besotted and he just enjoyed the ego massage, but you were convinced (despite him having a long term partner/wife) that there was "something there" and you were leaving the job so it was now it never.

Endless people told you that you sounded like a teenager, that he wasn't interested, and leave him alone before you embarrass yourself. The OP didn't like hearing this. Argued with most that she was quite right to feel this way and act on it.

Now you've sent a letter.

If that wasn't you, (having name changed in the hope you'll get different responses this time) let me see if I can find the identical thread and link you to it. Will save the identical replies on here.

NaturalBae · 09/04/2023 15:20

Tanaria · 09/04/2023 12:51

I would be very concerned about you and what you would be prepared to do if you were obsessing over my partner like this.

Like what, exactly? Again, I have literally taken myself out of the equation.

You sound as though you are prepared to take his partner out of the equation.

Original poster
Tanaria · 09/04/2023 15:57

Nope, not me. I was never convinced there was anything there, please read through my OP again. In the second sentence.

And @NaturalBae his partner has nothing to do with the situation at hand. Nothing at all. I'm neither a threat to her nor her relationship, never have been. I do not interfere, have not interfered and the one time I have made my emotions known I have in the same breath taken myself away from the situation.

Every interaction I've had with the man was platonic, every drink out the conversation was mostly about shared hobbies and some current life stuff, we hugged goodbye at the end of those evenings, but that was it. Every meme sent was either a cheer-up kind of meme or some other silly funny we found. I had the same type of interactions with some other people from work I met up with, too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tanaria · 10/04/2023 08:30

I wish the weather was better. It's rain central around here which makes getting out and about a pain with the kids in tow. I hate being cooped up and an awful lot of leisure activities in my area are outdoors.

On the positive side, I'm starting to feel a change in how I'm feeling. The sadness is less all-consuming, feels more like a dull, but still very much present, ache in the background.

OP posts:
Defenders · 10/04/2023 11:26

What about a museum or national trust, Is that a possibility?
If you're starting to notice a change in how you're feeling, You'll probably find that ache diminishing more and more when you start your new job.

Original poster
Tanaria · 10/04/2023 19:18

We didn't end up going out; I had a bad turn. Kids were happy just playing, so I stayed out of their way for part of the afternoon just feeling really, really down and depressed.

I guess it's a good sign I am better in the mornings?

But still, I can't shake the feeling of being utterly unlovable. My childhood and relationships - the thread through all of them are neglect and abuse. Never anyone's priority. Yes, I am making light of being different and when I'm okay I am fine with being a bit... whacky... but I cannot shake the feeling I am just broken, and who wants a broken toy when there are better options.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/04/2023 19:26

I’d write today off as being a sad bank holiday
they are never easy days

many of us , ND and also not ND find ourselves single with kids in our 40s with a failed relationship or 20 behind us

and it’s been shown that ND women can have an even worse time in relationships sadly

most of the men I’ve dated have been broken toys - everyone’s got their shit

be kind to yourself

Original poster
Tanaria · 10/04/2023 20:19

Thank you. It just feels like relentless shit on that front.

I cannot wait until I can go to bed, honestly, but the teen wants attention, too, and I haven't exactly been accommodating today. I've not yet had the time to just break down and cry. That will come when they're back at their dad's.

OP posts: