Help me get through the next few weeks - no contact

[Tanaria]

There is a man at work I have had a huge crush on for almost a year now. He is in a long, committed relationship and has never given me any indication that he reciprocates my affection and I did not tell him how I felt, but we got on very well (also outside of work) and worked very closely together.

I now have a new job in a different location. I lost my cool a few days ago and sent him a very old school letter telling him how I felt and that I needed to stop contact. He was incredibly kind about it (and me) and ended his response by wishing me good luck for the future.

I don't regret sending him the letter; it was the right thing to do.

But I need help in getting through the next few weeks. It feels like drug withdrawal right now; every fibre in my body just wants another hit. I do what I can to distract myself, but it's difficult because I'm on leave until my new job starts in a week, so every waking moment and quite a few dreams are taken up by what I can only call obsessive thoughts about him.

I know it will get easier over time and once my new job starts I will hopefully be way too busy to think too much. In the meantime, though, please help me get through this phase.

Limerence is a powerful thing. YouTube has some good vids on it, particularly Anna Runkle (Crappy Childhood Fairy). She explains the reasons for it in a way that really resonated with me.

https://www.youtube.com/@CrappyChildhoodFairy/playlists

Went to bed early. Busy day ahead (I have a friend coming over later, too) but I'm really struggling right now.

Well done so far - it's really hard.

I feel very similarly about someone at the moment. I'm far too old for this sort of shite. Going to busy myself with podcasts and decluttering today.

Good luck.

It's really awkward when someone you thought of as a friend then reveals that they have feelings for you. It can be disconcerting and also sad because he will no doubt miss the friendship. It sounds like he's handled it impeccably.
The best way for you to keep NC is to continually remind yourself that you respect him and so part of that is respecting his own committed relationship.
His own relationship with this other person will be part of what makes him 'him'. When people are content and secure in their relationships this does tend to make them the sort of people others are drawn to.
Respect his relationship, feel appreciative that he is with someone who makes him happy, and then focus on you and what makes you happy.

Can you come up with some strategies for when you are really, really missing him and want to contact him? Maybe a close friend you can text to say - don't let me message him, and then she can give you good reasons to stay away.

It's difficult to make a clean break, especially in the age of social media. Make sure you block him on everything and stay away. Make fun plans instead - go for a cycle ride, have a massage, go to the gym. Try to keep your mind occupied.

I'm in your shoes-ish at the moment, but a lot more involved. I've been living with someone for the past 9 months, but he has a wife and children in another continent. He was adamant the relationship was over, but it transpired recently that his wife wants to try again. So I also need to stay away from someone I am completely in love with while he decides who he wants to be with. Difficult.

The relationship they have is not something I can respect, sadly, because it is doomed for many reasons despite having lasted this long. But I respect him and his clear decision that he does not yet want to give up what they have and I am sure he loves her a lot; they are just not compatible for everyday life and a few life events that lie ahead will show this, in time. That's not my hopes speaking, just observation and listening to what he told me about them over the years.

I am resolved to get through this, for myself, because I am incredibly grateful that he is still fond of me in many ways and I want to keep that light in my heart (I AM good enough, dammit, and not as worthless as my inner demons make me feel), and for him, because he will go through some very bad times over the next few months and doesn't need me to add to the stress of it all.

Today is a big day - when we don't see each other we normally message at least every other day, so my fingers are itching to write something, share a silly meme or do anything we'd normally do.

It doesn't help that my friend has cancelled on me this morning, so that distraction is gone.

just Keep telling yourself @Tanaria this shall pass. And it will.

i was forever falling in this trap many years ago and always always struggled. I thought I’d grown up but 20 years later As a 40+ year old found myself falling back into that terrible place. And you know? It passed again.

i know what you mean about the needing to know something bad. It’s like a tangible reassurance that you’re better off without. For me it was the guy slagging his new (now new ex) bird off on SM, (yes I was still quietly torturing myself) and tagging her kids in nasty posts about her. It finally struck me that he was a massive arsehole.

the thing was there was tons of red flags previous to this and I’d wilfully ignoring them. By the time he’d made the posts on SM about the woman, I’d had the space I needed to really open my eyes.

I think now you’ve got some space from this guy there will be some negative things about him that will start popping into your thoughts because they aren’t masked by all the “nice” things you want to see. We could start by ruminating on the fact that he found it appropriate to diss his long term relationship that will by your observations come to an end soon to his colleagues rather than manning up and dealing with the issues and being honest with his partner about things.

Doesn’t sound like such a nice guy to me to string someone along for years… almost like a bit of a user …..

@BuHao I have no one to talk to. My job is all-consuming and doesn't leave a lot of time for socialising (hence also the black hole now in the few days between finishing the old job and starting the new one), and out of the two friends I have outside of work, one cancelled on me this morning and she doesn't understand relationships as she is aromantic and asexual and the other is a bloke who lives abroad and who has a massive crush on me, so I am not insensitive enough to share with him how I feel about another man.

I spent the morning on retail therapy with my kids and that was lovely, but I still thought about him a lot when we walked past places we'd been to together.

All the other stuff you suggested aren't really possible given the ages of my kids until they're back at their dad's.

Where are all those men to get under to get over another when you need them... Only half-joking.

I think now you’ve got some space from this guy there will be some negative things about him that will start popping into your thoughts because they aren’t masked by all the “nice” things you want to see. We could start by ruminating on the fact that he found it appropriate to diss his long term relationship that will by your observations come to an end soon to his colleagues rather than manning up and dealing with the issues and being honest with his partner about things.

Oh I know his flaws well. He has, by his own admission, massive issues with commitment, which is a thread throughout his entire life, including regular activities and, more importantly, his partner of almost 20 years. He doesn't deal well with emotions and shuts down; he never expresses how he feels in anything other than the most stereotypical British way. He is a stererotypical cycling addict, too.

There are others, but those two alone would mean we'd never be compatible as I am someone who fully commits to everything I touch and who wears their heart on their sleeve. I've always known that; it's why I said upthread that even if he was single I wouldn't go there, but that doesn't stop my stupid heart from romanticising us as polar opposites or seeing how we both brought the best out in each other every time we were together.

So if you know his flaws why do you need him to not respond kindly to your letter?

Such a cliche. Man moans about partner at work. Women at work feel sorry for him and the one with the lowest self esteem gets sucked in. Becomes their new source for validation. Then he has two women feeling like shit and stringing them both along for his own ego.

I'm sure he's amazing.. I'm on the other end of this situation he told me she's older has four kids why the fuck would I be interested. She has no skills and is dumb yet there were messages and she started stalking my social media at 1 in the morning 🙄 she probably fell for the we aren't really together, yet he would message her whilst we were in bed together. Whilst also doing this with another women at the same time. Honestly you just can't trust anyone.

An say for example your note works! An in a few months time he comes knocking he will do the same to you.

So if you know his flaws why do you need him to not respond kindly to your letter?

Because these aren't things he's done to me. They are things that make him more human, they are flaws, we all have them. An emotional rebuffal feels different to knowing that he's not perfect, if that makes sense?

I don't get why you sent the letter?? What were you trying to occomplish ?

It's in hopes he will feel the same and act on it. Normally people get over crushes without ruining other people's lives but as she said she has no respect for their relationship based on what he has told her which I'm sure is exactly how it is and the full picture..

Like someone else mentioned you will realise with more space that he isn't the nice guy you think he is. He moaned and bad mouthed his partner openly to other people instead of dealing with their relationship issues between themselves. He's made it clear he isn't going to leave her or maybe he's told you he will and your letter is the desperate last hope.

It's in hopes he will feel the same and act on it. Normally people get over crushes without ruining other people's lives but as she said she has no respect for their relationship based on what he has told her which I'm sure is exactly how it is and the full picture..

Actually, no. I'd really appreciate it if people didn't keep drawing those conclusions. Not everyone acts that way, you know? But no, I cannot respect the relationship for what it is in its own right and I raised an eyebrow about it way before I developed feelings for that man.

He moaned and bad mouthed his partner openly to other people instead of dealing with their relationship issues between themselves. He's made it clear he isn't going to leave her or maybe he's told you he will and your letter is the desperate last hope.

He has done no such thing. This really isn't the cliched scenario you are trying to make it into. I don't want to go into specifics of why they won't work out (it's very much a mixture of everyday niggles, his personality and big life events looming); he has been nothing but curteous when mentioning his partner.

How can you possibly know that they won't work out @Tanaria ? You would need to have lived with his partner, surely, to know this for sure? To know what his partner is like, and what they are like together, I mean.

I’m afraid that having this thread is another way in which you are keeping this relationship alive. You are thinking about and writing about this man which reinforces your feelings.

Believe me I know how hard it is, but you have to move on. If he comes into your mind deliberately think about something else. I know it sounds trite but you need to submerge yourself into something else - even a good book over this weekend would help.

Without divulging details, I know enough to know, but I also know that it will still take years for this to happen. I know. Say for example, you know that one part of a couple really wants and loves kids and the other never wanted any and you know it will breed resentment and he is the type to let that fester rather than talk. It's not kids; they are both way past that age by now, but it is something equally life-changing and life-defining and they are just not compatible in that way.

But that is their thing to go through, not mine. Like I said, he and I would not have been compatible, either, likely even less so than she and he are. This isn't saying things would have been better between us.

But it is saying that I cannot use his relationship as something to remind me that, yes, this was what I should have been doing and need to keep going. I need other reasons and the way he feels about me as his friend and ex colleague is far more likely to keep me on track.

No, this thread is helping in the same way that writing in my diary is, only this time it talks back and brings in a new perspective.

Other people would be on the phone to their friends for hours (yes, showing my age here), but that is not something I can do for all the reasons stated.

@Tanaria I mean this kindly when I ask whether you think it likely that your feelings for this man are clouding your judgement?
Yes I'm sure we've all been there when two people get together and you raise an eyebrow or think 'that won't work'. But they've been together 20 years you say? You are being unreasonable in assuming you know more than they do about their relationship and the upcoming life events which will cause the relationship to falter. You are assuming it will breed resentment. How can you possibly know what is going on inside his head or inside of the head of a woman you barely know?
I think it most likely you are experiencing limerence.

Limerence is a strange and horrible thing

one of the best things I read was that your giving this wasted attention to them instead of feeding yourself

there are some good YouTube videos
I like Matthew Hussey and I like reading the comments below

I’d keep as busy as you can
see friends
exercise
focus on self care
Time-table yoour days

you can hide him and delete his number without being dramatic

id also say you probably shouldn’t be connected via social media to remove temptation
I’d purge all acess for quite some time

but also do some thinking 🤔 about how you can nourish yourself better

I think you're fooling yourself here with regards to blocking.

You can delete him off Facebook/Insta/LinkedIn without it affecting work.

He knows what's going on so you are fine to block him on WhatsApp.

You don't even work for the same organisation anymore; if you need to do business do it via work email only. Keep it professional.

Telling yourself you have to remain connected on socials is keeping you in your addiction.

You need to properly cut contact.

If a mutual work issue arises cross that bridge when it comes to it.

I'm giving you this advice because the only thing that worked for me in a similar hideous situation was no contact. Was about this time last year for me, the first month was weird then it was suddenly easier than my obsession would ever have allowed me to believe.

Now, a year on I honestly wonder Wtf I was ever thinking.

Not the woman, no - although I know enough to know she has the patience of an angel. But him - yes, I know very well what will happen.

But absolutely, they could prove me wrong. It won't make a difference because I very much hope that in a few years' time this will all be well behind me. I am hoping for 2-3 weeks to get over the worst of it before the real healing can start and I fully expect to be back to my own self before the summer has begun.

That's where ripping the plaster off in the form of the letter came in.

I'm off to do some gardening; the freh air and sunshine should help, too.

If I was the woman I would be starting to think you a trouble maker, OP, angel or not!

He never posts, just messages, so social media etc isn't an issue as such and the communications line for work will need to stay open just in case (as I said, small world etc.). LI and email for that; they are never used for anything different and throughout our time I have always been very strict with the type of medium I used for different types of communication.

I want to do this without blocking and deleting, I need to prove to myself that I have the strength and self-discipline to not go full-on teen apocalyptic. Not every bridge needs to be burnt or even obstructed, surely, just not visited anymore and be kept as a spot of beauty.