Help me get through the next few weeks - no contact

[Tanaria]

There is a man at work I have had a huge crush on for almost a year now. He is in a long, committed relationship and has never given me any indication that he reciprocates my affection and I did not tell him how I felt, but we got on very well (also outside of work) and worked very closely together.

I now have a new job in a different location. I lost my cool a few days ago and sent him a very old school letter telling him how I felt and that I needed to stop contact. He was incredibly kind about it (and me) and ended his response by wishing me good luck for the future.

I don't regret sending him the letter; it was the right thing to do.

But I need help in getting through the next few weeks. It feels like drug withdrawal right now; every fibre in my body just wants another hit. I do what I can to distract myself, but it's difficult because I'm on leave until my new job starts in a week, so every waking moment and quite a few dreams are taken up by what I can only call obsessive thoughts about him.

I know it will get easier over time and once my new job starts I will hopefully be way too busy to think too much. In the meantime, though, please help me get through this phase.

Given I have literally taken myself out of his life, that wouldn't be an issue, no matter what you were thinking.

Id say keeping him on any social media is a bad idea
in fact temporarily keeping him (and you ) off the radar is a the respectful thing to do

the no contact rules are strict for a reason

Oh, ok, sorry, you asked for advice on how to get over what feels like drug withdrawal but you don't like the unanimous answer that it will take going cold turkey.

He's in a relationship. You need to stop this. Altogether. No fantasies about him splitting with his partner or you maintaining some kind of friendship.

It's fucked.

The quickest and least painful thing in the long run is cold turkey,

Everything else you are telling yourself is denial.

’…kept as a spot of beauty.’

Okay. So, I think you just need to block and delete at this point.

If and when your paths cross in the future through work, you can deal with that at the time using your official work email addresses.

You’re beginning to sound a little unhinged now. Continuing on like this all day is clearly not helping you to get over him!

Yes, a spot of beauty. A memory I look upon fondly.

Also, I don't fantasize about him splitting with his partner; I merely know it's very likely to happen and only mentioned that in response to another poster asking me to respect the relationship. But - here's the thing everyone seems to ignore - I don't want her spot. It wouldn't work.

Are there really so many people on here that cannot fathom keeping what they feel, what they think and how they act apart from each other? Emotionally I'm very attached to this man, but not logically - I know exactly why he wouldn't be good for me. I also know exactly why the friendship needed to end; that doesn't mean I can't or won't mourn it.

Right now, I'm working on the not acting. I'm also working on the not feeling, but that's harder to quantify. My head is already sorted, always has been, to an extent. Maybe being ND helps there to an extent; I can put everything in neat boxes. But in my boxes metaphor, he's putting up a bit of a fight in getting in there. I know he will, eventually. I know everything will be fine, eventually.

And no, I will not block him on everything. That doesn't stop me from going cold turkey. I don't go online to check whether he's there, I have plenty of connections to not constantly see his name pop up anyway, he doesn't post and I don't post much, either - what little I do post could happily be viewed by my grandparents were any of them still alive.

I merely want to be able to handle this like the middle-aged adult I am. In RL I don't know anyone who'd see the need to block people unless they harrass them. And I have no intention of being that person or have a negative ending in any way.

Anyway, gardening has done me some good. I feel lighter, happier. A little dopamine hit from accomplishing something (digging up a small spot and planting some wildflowers). This is what's needed.

Sounds like you're all sorted then op and don't need our help.

Best of luck with it.

Sounds like you're all sorted then op and don't need our help.

I need support, not someone putting salt in my wounds while I'm trying to close them. I need encouragement, not pointless accusations. So yeah, depends on the help given, really.

mumsnet can be salty I’m afraid

why not see how you get on ?
I’m concerned that you could be doing brilliantly (well, better !) and not peeking - then something shows up

• new whatsapp photo
• post of him and partner tagged

this then triggers you and then you lose the good work and get upset and obsessive

its a real risk , many people can have this happen and it can set you back
so it’s safer to remove that risk basically

Very little risk of either, but I know what you're saying. Like I said, he doesn't post and his use of messaging apps is purely perfunctory - no profile pictures; he doesn't know how (again, showing our ages here). By the time any of that is at all likely (high summer, if ever) I'll be well over him.

No, I just need the next few weeks as a kickstart. I know myself well enough and how I work. Time to get fit, get out there and have some fun when all of this dust has settled a bit. 🙂

Well, as I explained earlier cutting off lines of communication is what got me from where you are now to where I am now (long distant memory).

For as long as you keep those channels open you keep alive the hope that he might contact you on one.

You're not ready close those lines yet. I hope that you find the strength to do so.

When does your new job start? @Tanaria

In a few days' time.

A good technique is to allow time to think about him, so you say to yourself, I can spend 10 minutes thinking about him at 5pm. Every time you catch yourself thinking about him, you remind yourself that you have to wait until 5.
It definitely works, and I know this will sound lame now, but you will get over him and each week will get easier x

Once you're at work I would imagine it'll be easier with something to focus on and divert your thoughts.

There is a wonderful song that deals exactly with this topic, funnily enough.
That a person is not good for the singer, she lets him go without ill will, but is sitting it out now, just whiling away the hours while thinking back to all the previous obstacles she has overcome, looking forward to the day when she'll be her happy self again.
It's a very happy and hopeful tune I am playing on loop at the moment.

I'm not quite at the stage yet where I'm disciplined enough to assign an appropriate time to think about him; he pops into my head way too often still, but that will come, in time.

Yes, I am waiting for the day I can fully immerse myself into my work again; it has kept me sane over these last months when things got too much.

You really do sound so obsessed

I am aware of that, thank you.

I feel stronger today, more grateful for all the things I've been taught through him and one other person I was in unrequited love with a while ago. Both very kind, compassionate people with an appetite for life in different ways. Both showing me how people should be treated, and how life can be enjoyed within the restrictions that exist in everyday drudgery.

I believe that every person we meet helps us grow in some way or another, and maybe that was what it was meant to be all along, another lesson on the way to forming a more complete me. Taking me out of the walls I built over the years of abuse suffered in childhood and early relationships. I know that I can seek comfort in rejection; it's what I've known my entire life, after all. I'm not used to kindness.

I am a strong woman, I know that, even if it didn't come across it on here because I felt weak, and will likely again, on occasion. But I've overcome adversities many never had the misfortune to deal with and have always come out stronger the other way. Life has damaged me, but never completely broken me.

OP I'm in a similar (but different) situation. Different because it's not someone I have a crush on but rather a very close male friend that I care about a lot and who has been a huge emotional support to me over the years. Different because the reason for me withdrawing is due to his new (ish) controlling girlfriend who doesn't like our friendship and has been absolutely horrible to me. There's obviously a lot more detail that lead to me withdrawing but that's not what's important here. The similarity is the pain of the hole this person leaves in your life and the desire to get past that pain to a point of seeing a future without them.
I've taken a slightly different approach to you. I've allowed myself to wallow and think about all the good times over and over again including relentlessly re-reading our 'bye' communications. I did this for 3 days solid and cried all the tears I had until I bored myself. Then I woke up one morning and had a word with myself. That was 3 weeks ago. Since then I've just kept myself occupied and each day gets easier. Hang in there!

Thank you, @WTFactuallyjusthappened , that is very reassuring. Though in your case, there must be hope?

I knew that my feelings were wrong - feelings are not wrong - they simply are what they are. You are allowed your feelings.

What matters is what we do about those feelings. You are leaving and cutting contact as far as is possible - so that is the right response, although you will find it hard for a while. You felt the need to be upfront about why you were leaving/cutting contact and write to him - that is OK too.

What is left is your need to find a way to move on. It will take a while - that is how it is. But honestly you will get there. Don't waste energy on looking back and asking whether you have made the right decisions. Use that energy to move forward. I wish you lots of luck.

Oh god not the limerence stuff being trotted out. It's just another word for stalking and no man or woman deserves to be on the receiving end of someone else's obsessive thoughts and feelings.

ClaudiaCustard

id say there is a big difference between being very obsessive about someone , and actual stalking which is of course illegal

to be honest I fucking hate it when I get obsessive , totally hate it and I know it’s because either something is missing , or they are making me anxious

it’s also very very prevalent with the neuro diverse

unfortunately social media means that the object of your desire can be found on your own phone

hence the consistent advice to block said person

Are there really so many people on here that cannot fathom keeping what they feel, what they think and how they act apart from each other?

Yeah, we're the ones who can't separate how we feel and act, which is why we all embarrass ourselves by writing to work colleagues declaring our love for them. How pathetically needy and ridiculous (not to mention two-faced) are we? Unbelievable really. Oh, but wait, that's right..

Dontbelieveaword

that was unnecessary

ill never understand why people give themselves permission to write such unkind comments like this to a stranger online