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Relationships

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Original poster

How to bring up his living conditions?

104 replies

notmrscookie · 07/04/2023 07:02

Been with partners nearly 3 yrs.
He is wanting to take things further and almost move in with me making it happen. Hard to explain. I own my house outright and have 2 children at home in there 20's . We only have 1 bathroom and boys sometimes have there girlfriends stay so rota needed for showers etc.( no chance they will be moving out soon)
Partner has a 25% share of a 1 bed flat that is messy and dusty and cupboards full of crap. To start with it wasn't too bad aa his parents visited so it was cleaner but sadly no more.
I feel dirty in it .Have made gentle comments re dust /dump trips but they fall on deaf ears.He rather watch TV then mop the floor or tackle a room.
I I can't understand him and don't want to destroy him as he has been single for so long and has very few friends and only one hobby that he does 4 times a Yr.
Plus he is a free Mason and due to its set up I know very little but both his hobbies kind of mean that he mixes with lots of older people and has become old before his time.
Any suggestions before I call an end to it.

OP posts:

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/04/2023 07:03

I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who can't keep their living space clean.

If he doesn't do it now, he certainly won't do it when you move in together.

Don't waste your time on this one.

MrsBarbaraLangerhans · 07/04/2023 07:04

Well, either you say something and be very very blunt and you wait until you see consistent change before taking things further, or you end up with another child to look after in your home and with no help with day to day cleaning and tidying. You will lose all respect for him and resent him. You will not be sexually attracted to him and eventually will have to get rid of him after many years of misery and feeling taken for granted. I know which option I would be pursuing.

Clymene · 07/04/2023 07:05

No suggestions other than end it.

Banjaxx · 07/04/2023 07:16

Don’t let him move in! If he can’t look after his flat he won’t suddenly turn into a tidier when he moves in with you. You’ll end up resenting him, he’ll be sat watching tv all day while you get slowly more pissed off doing more then you did before

Clymene · 07/04/2023 07:18

What do you get out of the relationship? It sounds like you feel sorry for him.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/04/2023 07:19

End it, just end it.

KatherineJaneway · 07/04/2023 07:20

You can't. He's clearly happy living like that and you either accept that you will be cleaning up after him if he moves in or offer him an ultimatum amd say he cleans up his act or it is over.

YouJustDoYou · 07/04/2023 07:20

Noooooo, do not have him move in with you

YouJustDoYou · 07/04/2023 07:21

He wants to move in with you because then YOU will look after him and do all the house work, and he won't have to do a thing.

PaigeMatthews · 07/04/2023 07:26

YouJustDoYou · 07/04/2023 07:21

He wants to move in with you because then YOU will look after him and do all the house work, and he won't have to do a thing.

This, op.

he is lazy. Youd end up with another person to parent. youre unhappy in his home atm. Moving in together would mean youd be unhappy at home all the time or unhappy doing everything.

di you go out on dates? Do you have fun together? What was the last night out / day out he arranged?

UseOfWeapons · 07/04/2023 07:28

No suggestions. Just cut your losses and end it, you don’t need this man-child in your life.

Sparklfairy · 07/04/2023 07:30

To start with it wasn't too bad aa his parents visited so it was cleaner but sadly no more.

I assume you mean he kept it tidier as he would be embarrassed if it wasn't tidy when they came over - rather than his parents were coming over to tidy it for him?

If I'm right, think about the fact that he's NOT embarrassed for you to see the filth he lives in. If he moves in with you it'll be even worse. He'll get his lazy arse comfortable, and you'll be in a constant state of stress as he forces you to live in his mess, or you'll be running around tidying up after him all the time. If you dare to say anything, you'll be called a 'nag' and he'll say, 'you knew what I was like before I moved in' and he'd be right - you know exactly what he's like. You also know he can make the effort to clean up when he wants to, but he doesn't want to with you.

Don't do it to yourself.

Menopants · 07/04/2023 07:32

Nah

Justalittlebitduckling · 07/04/2023 07:32

I think you need to be kind but honest and say, your house is dirty, you don’t clean, I don’t want you to move in with us because it’s enough work to keep the house clean already and I would want a net contributor, not a taker. He needs to hear it.

SageHoney · 07/04/2023 07:40

Partner has a 25% share of a 1 bed flat that is messy and dusty and cupboards full of crap.

Sorry if misunderstanding, but - he shares a 1BR flat with 3 other people? Or he has 1/4 ownership but currently the other 3 owners live elsewhere - what are his plans long term? Or he stays there 1/4 of the time - what does he do otherwise?

Do not agree that he moves in with you; you simply do not have the space. If you want to continue the relationship, can you try something like going away for a weekend and splitting the cost of a hotel/rental apartment, etc.? Don't stay at his place if you're uncomfortable there, but don't keep inviting him to yours 100% of the time either. If there's a possible compromise, now's the time to find it - although honestly, it sounds like you two are incompatible.

RattlewhenIwalk · 07/04/2023 08:10

Don't have him move in, your current housing situation isn't ideal especially if he's used to living alone. More to the point, he'll end up being someone else for you to "look after" rather share your life as proper partners.

Someone who can't manage their own home (how much mess does a single person make!) isn't someone you want in your life.

Mumped · 07/04/2023 08:13

He doesn’t sound a very attractive prospect and I absolutely wouldn’t let him move in with you!

Bonbon21 · 07/04/2023 08:16

Yuck.

Slitherie · 07/04/2023 08:18

Does he actually work? He sounds like a loser

CantWait01 · 07/04/2023 08:19

What benefit to you is there if he moves in?

AgrathaChristie · 07/04/2023 08:19

It seems he’s expecting you to take over where his parents left off. Really, what sort of grown man needs his parents to clean up after him?
You sound sorry fir him and that’s not a healthy basis for an equal relationship.

PaigeMatthews · 07/04/2023 08:22

@SageHoney it will be a shared ownership mortgage and rent.

TeaserandtheFirecat · 07/04/2023 08:22

No No No

MumOf2workOptions · 07/04/2023 08:24

Run
If he lives in squalor why on earth would you want him in your house!!! Or want a relationship with someone with such poor hygiene!!!!
Alarm bells 🔔 should be ringing here plus you own outright - what exactly is he bringing to the party?

StopStartStop · 07/04/2023 08:25

He wants to move in with you because it will be cheap and you'll do all the housework.

He's not the one.

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