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Original poster

How to bring up his living conditions?

104 replies

notmrscookie · 07/04/2023 07:02

Been with partners nearly 3 yrs.
He is wanting to take things further and almost move in with me making it happen. Hard to explain. I own my house outright and have 2 children at home in there 20's . We only have 1 bathroom and boys sometimes have there girlfriends stay so rota needed for showers etc.( no chance they will be moving out soon)
Partner has a 25% share of a 1 bed flat that is messy and dusty and cupboards full of crap. To start with it wasn't too bad aa his parents visited so it was cleaner but sadly no more.
I feel dirty in it .Have made gentle comments re dust /dump trips but they fall on deaf ears.He rather watch TV then mop the floor or tackle a room.
I I can't understand him and don't want to destroy him as he has been single for so long and has very few friends and only one hobby that he does 4 times a Yr.
Plus he is a free Mason and due to its set up I know very little but both his hobbies kind of mean that he mixes with lots of older people and has become old before his time.
Any suggestions before I call an end to it.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2023 08:28

He rather watch TV then mop the floor or tackle a room.

Wouldn’t we all. I don’t clean because I particularly enjoy it. I clean so my house isn’t a dirty shit tip and my surroundings are pleasant to be in.

Oh so telling he’d make an effort for his mum and dad but won’t for you.

What’s his personal hygiene like?

Why are you dating someone you seem to pity and almost despise?

Does he have one hobby or two?

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/04/2023 08:37

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/04/2023 07:03

I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who can't keep their living space clean.

If he doesn't do it now, he certainly won't do it when you move in together.

Don't waste your time on this one.

Exactly this. He won't change. His home was only clean if his mother did it so he will expect you to do it all if you live together.

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/04/2023 08:38

Sorry, I may have misunderstood the bit about his parents visiting but my point stands.

category12 · 07/04/2023 08:43

You know exactly WHY he's been single for so long. It's because he's not a good prospect as a partner. Other women have looked him over, kicked the tyres and thought "fuck no".

Why is it your job to be the answer to his problems? What makes you the sacrificial lamb?

You sound great, just let this one go.

Feemie · 07/04/2023 08:48

It’s really puzzling why this friendless Freemason who prefers to live in filth has been single so long.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 07/04/2023 08:52

End it, he is not going to change. How old is he? He wants to move in with you as its a step up for him, but what does he bring to the table?

TeaserandtheFirecat · 07/04/2023 08:52

Feemie · 07/04/2023 08:48

It’s really puzzling why this friendless Freemason who prefers to live in filth has been single so long.

😆

SparklingLime · 07/04/2023 08:57

I can't understand him and don't want to destroy him as he has been single for so long and has very few friends and only one hobby

Are you with him because you feel sorry for him?

MintJulia · 07/04/2023 09:01

YouJustDoYou · 07/04/2023 07:21

He wants to move in with you because then YOU will look after him and do all the house work, and he won't have to do a thing.

This. If he's late 20s or early thirties and doesn't keep a one bed flat clean, then he won't change now. You'd be taking on the role of his mother.

Your choice !

Dexy007 · 07/04/2023 09:03

read your OP back to yourself. Dirty. Loner. Lazy.

ew. Why are you with him?!

category12 · 07/04/2023 09:03

MintJulia · 07/04/2023 09:01

This. If he's late 20s or early thirties and doesn't keep a one bed flat clean, then he won't change now. You'd be taking on the role of his mother.

Your choice !

Show quote history

I'm presuming he's older than that as op has adult children. So even less likelihood of shaping up.

Dexy007 · 07/04/2023 09:03

TeaserandtheFirecat · 07/04/2023 08:52

😆

Show quote history

😂😂😂😂

Dracuuule · 07/04/2023 09:04

Come on op. Read your post back. What would you tell yourself?
A lazy, messy man who's old before his time and only wants to mainly watch tv.
You'll be going crazy within a day if he ever moved in.

JuneOsborne · 07/04/2023 09:08

Do not move in with him. He will not suddenly and miraculously share the housework because he lives with you. And expecting him to is madness-he has shown you his standards, that's what he will bring with him. In fact, I'd be willing to bet he'll stop doing the little he does do at the minute (I'm guessing he does laundry, maybe washes up?) And you'll be expected to do more.

You'd be crazy to ignore him on this one.

blondieminx · 07/04/2023 09:10

He’d like a live in cook and cleaner. Are you willing to be his drudge?

RUN!

something2say · 07/04/2023 09:16

I dont enjoy living with men for this very reason. Too much extra work. A woman at work was only saying yesterday that her partner does nothing around the house, did things so poorly that she had to redo them. And why is that, said I.

Not a living chance in hell will I do this.

If you want to keep seeing him, fine, but don't move him in. And I'd tell him why.

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 07/04/2023 09:16

Who wouldn't rather watch tv than do housework? Your partner is lazy and a slob, and it is unlikely that he will change if he moves in with you.

Dotcheck · 07/04/2023 09:16

Hang on- is the house properly dirty, or a bit of clutter and dust?

OP says dusty, messy with cluttered cupboards. My place sometimes has dust, has some clutter and a few cluttered cupboards. Overall it’s ok though.
Is it properly messy, as in, no place to sit down ? Most people wouldn’t point out dust if there were mounds of rubbish.

OP has kids in her 20’s, so she must be 40/50. Assume her partner is the same- why is that too young to be a Freemason?

Finally- the OP’s living situation is bonkers. Two adult children in her house, no plans to move out and they rota so they can sleep with their gf/ bf? What the actual ….?
of course the partner shouldn’t move in- the shagging schedule would be a nightmare

JacobsCrackersCheeseFogg · 07/04/2023 09:23

Continue to live separately. Living together is NOT going to work. From experience, it never gets better. You can't train him.

shutthewindownow · 07/04/2023 09:24

He is a slob and I'd never trust a Freemason

Timeforachangeisitnot · 07/04/2023 09:31

Menopants · 07/04/2023 07:32

Nah

😂😂😂Oh god I love this

NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/04/2023 09:31

Any suggestions before I call an end to it

Nope. He's looking for a meal ticket with your owned outright, clean house compared to his part ownership of a HA property he leaves filthy.

CantWait01 · 07/04/2023 09:33

Why would he contribute to tidying up and cleaning in your house when he doesn’t do his own?

readbooksdrinktea · 07/04/2023 09:37

Just no. Don't waste your time.

ArmchairAnarchist2 · 07/04/2023 09:39

The average age in DH's masonic lodge is forty. Don't let his hobbies be an excuse.
You will become his mother if he moves in.