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Original poster

How to bring up his living conditions?

104 replies

notmrscookie · 07/04/2023 07:02

Been with partners nearly 3 yrs.
He is wanting to take things further and almost move in with me making it happen. Hard to explain. I own my house outright and have 2 children at home in there 20's . We only have 1 bathroom and boys sometimes have there girlfriends stay so rota needed for showers etc.( no chance they will be moving out soon)
Partner has a 25% share of a 1 bed flat that is messy and dusty and cupboards full of crap. To start with it wasn't too bad aa his parents visited so it was cleaner but sadly no more.
I feel dirty in it .Have made gentle comments re dust /dump trips but they fall on deaf ears.He rather watch TV then mop the floor or tackle a room.
I I can't understand him and don't want to destroy him as he has been single for so long and has very few friends and only one hobby that he does 4 times a Yr.
Plus he is a free Mason and due to its set up I know very little but both his hobbies kind of mean that he mixes with lots of older people and has become old before his time.
Any suggestions before I call an end to it.

OP posts:
UnicornBoom · 07/04/2023 09:39

I'd have been running as soon as I found out he was a Freemason.

Codlingmoths · 07/04/2023 09:40

Feemie · 07/04/2023 08:48

It’s really puzzling why this friendless Freemason who prefers to live in filth has been single so long.

fascinating why feemie finks this friendless filthy Freemason is far from fiancé grade.

couldn’t get that last word, annoying!

MrsRickAstley · 07/04/2023 09:42

@Codlingmoths

couldn’t get that last word, annoying

fodder ?

Greensleevevssnotnose · 07/04/2023 09:48

I'm sorry you have my ex husband. You know freemasons is a massive drinking club right? Three times a week for many hours of drinking and singing. Run for your life.

caramac04 · 07/04/2023 09:57

He won’t change and you won’t grow to like living in squalor. I’d move on not move him in.

dizzydizzydizzy · 07/04/2023 10:07

You need to be blunt. If he moves in with you and carries on being so messy, you will resent him.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 07/04/2023 10:12

I would be blunt. "No you can't move in till you can show you can be a bit more house proud."

If you can't be blunt to your partner then it's probably not the relationship for you!

ImustLearn2Cook · 07/04/2023 10:12

Feemie · 07/04/2023 08:48

It’s really puzzling why this friendless Freemason who prefers to live in filth has been single so long.

🤣🤣🤣😂😅😆Brilliant!

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/04/2023 10:22

End it.

What he wants to take further is 'doing absolutely nothing domestically', rather than your relationship. He doesn't like where he stays (he could improve it by cleaning and decluttering but he can't be arsed) so moving into your nice house is what he wants. A nice place for him to sit and do bugger all except watch TV.

To be honest, you don't really sound attached to him. Well, you definitely pity him, which is a poor foundation for a relationship. And that doesn't make him your responsibility, does it? So he's been single a long time (apart from you)? Not your responsibility. So he's only got one hobby? His choice and - not your responsibility. So he mixes with older people a lot and is old before his time? His choice and - you've guessed it - not your responsibility.

"Any suggestions before I call an end to it."
My only suggestion (other than 'end it now, now, now!) would be to suggest you have a good ponder on why you've ended up in this position. I suspect you are a nice person who doesn't like to hurt other people's feelings, puts their comfort before your own, and are generally helpful. All good qualities as long as you're surrounded by similar people, but not when you've attracted a parasite. (He really is.)

Work on getting some good boundaries in place to protect you from being backed into the corner again. And end it.

ConstanceOcean · 07/04/2023 10:26

If his flat was spotless all of the time, how would you feel about him?

I think the flat is a red herring and you don’t actually have much in common at all.

Crimeismymiddlename · 07/04/2023 10:27

No no no. Grown people do not live in grim environments that are only cleaned when parents come over.
My flat won’t win awards but if someone came over I would not be embarrassed-that’s how most people are.
With you saying he has few friends, one infrequent hobbies and being old before his time it sounds like you need to pull the plug as you are not into him any more.

Channellingsophistication · 07/04/2023 11:44

If he doesn’t care about his own living space, he’s hardly likely to care about yours. And what would happen if the relationship ended are you really going to turf him out when he may have nowhere to go?

Having lived on my own and then moved in with my partner, I do find it stressful at times as he doesnt care about mess, cleanliness and leaves things out all the time. I really wouldn’t advise having him move in with you.

divvinnah · 07/04/2023 11:45

I can't understand him and don't want to destroy him as he has been single for so long and has very few friends and only one hobby that he does 4 times a Yr

Stop with the feelings of guilt. You do not have to stay with him because he's been single for so long and apparently has very few friends.
He's a freemason - he will have absolutely loads of friends at his lodge. They support one another - that's the whole point of it. He's not some poor, lonely bloke sitting in squalour a one-bed flat waiting to be rescued.

Honestly, OP, you sound like a really nice, caring person but you deserve better than this. He's a cocklodger in the making. Do you really think he's going to move in with you and suddenly get his act together? No, he's not, he's just going to be hanging around your place watching TV and practising for his retirement.

If you like him and want to continue with the relationship, fine, but he stays where he is. Otherwise just end it.

carlybitmitoemam · 07/04/2023 11:46

This is who he is. You can't fix him you can't change him. Accept it or bye bye.

Original poster
notmrscookie · 07/04/2023 12:19

@Dotcheck Both .he will re a book and not throw it away so has piles of books around the bed . I don't think the bathroom/kitchen floor has been washed in 2 yrs .dust everywhere you can write you name in it .He has air blow up balloons from last July in his room .He belongs to a professional body and they send magazines quarterly I think .he has about 30 unopened on a shelf still in plastic.
Hoover carbard boxes from 8 yrs ago in cupboard.

@shutthewindownow . I agree ..I know they do lots of good but they freak me out .

He is kind of overwhelmed as he works from home so has no dinning room table as it's an office.

Generally he will come to me a d stay a night but I went to his a bit and he wants to see more of me during the week so I stayed overnight at his but it doesn't leave me feeling clean .

I agree I need to be more blunt .I have just told him I will be busy next weekend catching up on house jobs in my house and giving it a spring clean and garden.
He comment was oh but that means I can't see u .I said maybe you could do the same.
He walked away.

OP posts:
ConstanceOcean · 07/04/2023 12:34

He sounds a bit like my mum.

She has never been able to adult properly and she’s now a full blown hoarder.

It is a MH condition and IME it doesn’t get better if just gets worse.

What you see of him now is the best it’s ever going to be.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/04/2023 12:39

" I agree I need to be more blunt .I have just told him I will be busy next weekend catching up on house jobs in my house and giving it a spring clean and garden.
He comment was oh but that means I can't see u .I said maybe you could do the same. He walked away. "

😂😂😂

Good for you op, leave him to it.
If he is employed he could always get a cleaner to do 2hrs a week, wouldn't cost an awful lot bit he's too lazy to even sought that out, he would ruin your home.

Pixiedust1234 · 07/04/2023 12:47

I said maybe you could do the same (clean the house). He walked away.

That says it all. Its not his job to clean, its a womans job. Actually its worse than that if he won't even pay a woman cleaner. Its a wife's job.

He won't change, and you will get angry, frustrated and resentful. Get rid.

ChaToilLeam · 07/04/2023 12:58

Just get rid of this grubby, lazy man. He won’t improve. No wonder he’d like to move in with you!

It sounds like you are staying with him out of pity, which is a terrible reason to be with someone.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 07/04/2023 13:04

And you lasted 3 years 🤢

uncomfortablydumb53 · 07/04/2023 13:06

It's telling that he'll make an effort to tidy up for his parents visit but expects you to put up with it,
He will expect you to skivvy around after him, and sit on your sofa instead of his
He sounds lazy and juvenile
Do not let him move in
You will end up resenting him and it might be hard to get him to leave

Boomboom22 · 07/04/2023 13:11

So do you actually sleep there and not say anything? Just say oh that floor is very dirty, etc. He's your bf so you should feel comfortable to say your standards, especially if he wants to live together. Would you rather dump him anyway or that he cleaned up?

TempyBrennan · 07/04/2023 13:13

He’s look for someone to take care of him, if he can’t do it himself it will just get worse.

also, be blunt and tell him you don’t want that mess brought in to your home or life.

Whattt44 · 07/04/2023 13:13

He lives in a dirty flat, has hardly any friends, he's lazy, old before his time and looking at you to look after him.
Sounds a real catch.

ImustLearn2Cook · 07/04/2023 13:16

@notmrscookie If you have to change someone in order to be in a relationship with them then you probably are not compatible and it’s best for you both to go your separate ways. If on the other hand he doesn’t like living this way and wants to change that is a different story. But does he? Or is he happy with not dusting or vacuuming or mopping or decluttering?