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Original poster

How to bring up his living conditions?

104 replies

notmrscookie · 07/04/2023 07:02

Been with partners nearly 3 yrs.
He is wanting to take things further and almost move in with me making it happen. Hard to explain. I own my house outright and have 2 children at home in there 20's . We only have 1 bathroom and boys sometimes have there girlfriends stay so rota needed for showers etc.( no chance they will be moving out soon)
Partner has a 25% share of a 1 bed flat that is messy and dusty and cupboards full of crap. To start with it wasn't too bad aa his parents visited so it was cleaner but sadly no more.
I feel dirty in it .Have made gentle comments re dust /dump trips but they fall on deaf ears.He rather watch TV then mop the floor or tackle a room.
I I can't understand him and don't want to destroy him as he has been single for so long and has very few friends and only one hobby that he does 4 times a Yr.
Plus he is a free Mason and due to its set up I know very little but both his hobbies kind of mean that he mixes with lots of older people and has become old before his time.
Any suggestions before I call an end to it.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 07/04/2023 13:18

he will re a book and not throw it away

i don't understand this.
Everything else you've written about him screams, end it or don't move in together.

SchoolTripDrama · 07/04/2023 13:31

I don't see what relevance him only owning 25% of his property and you owning 'outright' has to the issue at hand?? Sounds like you're looking down on him for that alone (putting the state of the house to one side for a second)

SchoolTripDrama · 07/04/2023 13:32

Slitherie · 07/04/2023 08:18

Does he actually work? He sounds like a loser

Excuse me but you're calling him a loser and assuming he doesn't work because he only owns 25% of his property? What a snob!!!

SchoolTripDrama · 07/04/2023 13:34

@Feemie What does him having no friends have to do with anything??? Wow there's a lot of nasty bitches on here at the moment

SchoolTripDrama · 07/04/2023 13:40

I agree he sounds like a messy sod and I agree that you don't sound compatible at all!

What I don't agree with is snobbery. Someone being dirty/a messy sod/slobbish/filthy or similar (which I agree IS disgusting and disgusting), doesn't however, make it ok for anyone to look down on that person for only owning part of a home/renting, having no friends or for however long they've been single. Them being dirty etc is not a free pass to be a nasty dick

SchoolTripDrama · 07/04/2023 13:41

*disgusting and disgraceful! 🤦🏼‍♀️😆

Antiquiteas · 07/04/2023 13:42

Omg end it.

He wants to move his dusty shit into your home and subject you to his weird bent-finger, male-only, sexist Masonic bollocks.

Winter2020 · 07/04/2023 14:08

You don't sound at all sure that you want to be in this relationship so please don't let him give up the security of his own home.

Luredbyapomegranate · 07/04/2023 14:13

I think you first need to think do you want to be this bloke really - it sounds a bit to me like you are turning the messy flat into the focus, but a man who is old before his time and appears to be depressed with no self knowledge about it is not an appealing partner.

So decide on that. If you decide to end it I’d gently say that you are concerned about his living conditions and his mental state, and you think he may have depression.

If you do want to stay then you can be more robust, suggest he seeks help, but also say your living conditions are simply too strained for him to move in now, but anyway before you thought about it, he would have to have sorted himself out. No one likes saying this stuff but if you can’t communicate directly in a relationship it’s not a goer.

PollyThePixie · 07/04/2023 14:15

Op, no man at all is infinitely better than any man just for the sake of having one.

maddy68 · 07/04/2023 14:20

I never understand this tip toeing around. He's your partner. Tell him it's disgusting and he needs to sort it out or you won't stay there

ChocHotolate · 07/04/2023 14:24

My husband is a Freemason and he is very tidy & house proud

divvinnah · 07/04/2023 14:24

I don't see what relevance him only owning 25% of his property and you owning 'outright' has to the issue at hand?? Sounds like you're looking down on him for that alone (putting the state of the house to one side for a second)

That does not mean she is looking down on him. It's a statement of fact.
It is VERY relevant if people are considering moving in with each other. If there's too much of a financial discrepancy this can lead to problems later on and it needs to be discussed before moving in together.
The OP is in a very strong financial position. He isn't in as good as a position. It's important to consider what his motives might be wanting to move in with the OP and how finances would be managed moving forward.

Is he going to be living with her rent-free? Is he going to rent out his own place or sell it? What happens to that money? Who is paying for what?
Is he going to be paying his way or is he going to be enjoying an easy life at her expense?

People (of both sexes) need to go into relationships with their eyes wide open and with finances clearly mapped out. It's unromantic but it has to be done, to protect everyone. This should be openly talked about and not brushed under the carpet with statements like you're looking down on him because he doesn't own his property outright, statements designed to make a poster feel guilty and bad about themself.

FedUpWithEverything123 · 07/04/2023 14:25

End it. He sounds awful. DEFINITELY do not let him move in with you. End it.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 07/04/2023 14:34

Dotcheck · 07/04/2023 09:16

Hang on- is the house properly dirty, or a bit of clutter and dust?

OP says dusty, messy with cluttered cupboards. My place sometimes has dust, has some clutter and a few cluttered cupboards. Overall it’s ok though.
Is it properly messy, as in, no place to sit down ? Most people wouldn’t point out dust if there were mounds of rubbish.

OP has kids in her 20’s, so she must be 40/50. Assume her partner is the same- why is that too young to be a Freemason?

Finally- the OP’s living situation is bonkers. Two adult children in her house, no plans to move out and they rota so they can sleep with their gf/ bf? What the actual ….?
of course the partner shouldn’t move in- the shagging schedule would be a nightmare

I read it as the rota is for showering, when there are extra people in the house.
Not for sex or having people over.

But I agree with the majority. This bloke is dull. Never mind the living conditions or the Freemasonry. He doesn't want to do anything but watch TV. In my experience of men, this just gets worse the older they get, if they start out not wanting to do much, in five years you can barely get them to leave the house.

You can leave him kindly, OP. After all, he's spent years being used to having no friends, no hobbies and no partner, he'll just go back to that, won't he? Might even be a relief for him.

RemoteControlDoobry · 07/04/2023 14:53

Apart from the messiness/dirtiness and you taking the role of his mother, there’s the financial stuff to consider. DO NOT RISK LOSING YOUR HOUSE! You need to find someone in a similar situation so that you benefit financially too.

Bananalanacake · 07/04/2023 14:57

Tell him it is possible to have a relationship without living together

SparklingLime · 07/04/2023 15:00

...he wants to see more of me during the week so I stayed overnight at his but it doesn't leave me feeling clean

That's what he wants. What about what you want? Has that got lost?

B0g · 07/04/2023 15:14

‘Any suggestions before I call an end to it.’

Nope. Keep dating him if you feel the need, if you think this dirty, old before his time man is the best you can do and is better than being single. But keep him away from your property. Not that I’d date such a man to begin with, but I’d be insulted he’d think I’m stupid enough to move him in and domestically service him.

ZekeZeke · 07/04/2023 15:16

What's his personal hygiene like?
If he lives like a pig does he care about his appearance in general?

80s · 07/04/2023 15:17

I don't think the bathroom/kitchen floor has been washed in 2 yrs .
Sounds disgusting. Isn't it very smelly?

I have a lot of tolerance for mess. I have a live-out bf who is not as tidy as me and collects all kinds of amusing items of junk, but the place is always clean: he mops the floors, dusts, empties the bins etc. If a grown man didn't even bother to clean the bathroom when I was visiting, I'd take that as a sign that he could not give a shit about my comfort or care what I thought. And I'd find it hard to respect someone older than 17 whose parents cleaned their home for them. (Fair enough if they were incapable for some reason, but you don't mention anything?)

It's all so unnatractive. Hard to imagine why you'd put up with it. Or why you're just giving him hints, rather than just "Ugh, this is disgusting!" I'd just go home, and he'd have to be an amazing person for me to want to see him again.
Does he wash the bedclothes? Wash himself?

billy1966 · 07/04/2023 15:18

So he's lazy and filthy and lives in a dirty home and would now like to move his lazy filthy self into your home?

I bet he would.

How on earth can you find someone who lives in a dirty environment attractive?

🤢🤮, just don't get it at all.

billy1966 · 07/04/2023 15:20

I wouldn't stop for tea in a dirty house, much less stay there.

How could you be intimate with someone knowing their home is so rancid?

God knows what you would pick up inna house like that.

B0g · 07/04/2023 15:28

There’s frequent grim threads on here, written by women who have picked a human barnyard animal and moved the him in to their home, thinking ‘he’ll change’ 🥴. So desperate for a male they’ll accept disgusting conditions, servicing the man, making an absolute fool of herself.

You can choose not to, OP. Decline his offer to clean up after him as he leeches off your property.

readbooksdrinktea · 07/04/2023 15:55

How can you find him attractive? Baffling.