Weekend away with friends ok or not?

[Taliaboo]

Hi, this is my first post but I have read a few over the years and been grateful for the advice shared, so here goes! Am in a long overwhelmingly good marriage, over 24 years and struggling with an issue that threatens to end the marriage if we can’t resolve it. As I get older I am more feisty than I used to be and this is why I’m tackling this now, also kids are older and we are looking at life ahead and planning. DH doesn’t want me ever to go away with friends without him. It hasn’t been an issue until now. I have let my friendships wither away over the years through being lazy (and shy, under confident and socially a bit awkward) and have spent huge amounts of time when not at work with DH. We have been close and share joint projects and are pretty happy in each other’s company, however I have been reconnecting with college friends and we chat and I have just returned from a weekend away with them over which DH and I clashed. It’s the first time ever that I’ve been away with a group of friends like that without him and the reality is that we will want to do it again but probably not for a few years. DH feels excluded and feels it’s childish and if I can’t accept that it won’t ever happen again then he’s prepared to split up. I can try to organise some social stuff which includes the friends and DH but I am struggling with the idea that I have to accept his ultimatum, it feels like control. We have differing personalities, he is generally more strident and sociable and I can be quite reserved. He does occasionally catch up with a friend without me but wouldn’t go away. I don’t know what to do.

Oh that's so hard. Did you go away without him at the start of your relationship?

Is it a male/female thing?

Fwiw this wouldn't happen in my marriage and I've been away loads of times without DH. Otherwise what do you talk about?

It sounds very extreme - he's threatening to leave you if you go away with your friends?

Unless there are some other underlying issues (e.g. is there an old flame in your friends group) then he's being totally disproportionate.

Change is jarring for some. Me included! But this feels controlling- why can’t you go? Because it makes him sad and lonely. That’s not a you problem. That’s a him problem.

I think your husband is batshit (and controlling).

Has your marriage been overwhelmingly good because you've always done as you were told up til now?

If he is threatening to leave you for having time away with your friends, tell him to crack on and leave.

He either doesn't trust you, doesn't care about you or sees you has his possession.

This sounds really unhealthy. It's healthy to have time to yourself when you can, and obv that is difficult when children are young but they are older now and you both should enjoy the freedom that comes with that. I would seek couples counselling to try to overcome this as you clearly have the desire to have a life outside your marriage, which is a completely normal and healthy desire.

if I can’t accept that it won’t ever happen again then he’s prepared to split up

If he really means that there's another reason he wants to split, but he wants it to be your fault IMO

So he'd rather be without you forever than be without you for a few days once a year or less? Fuck that shit. Do what you want and if he genuinely chooses separation over it that tells you what you need to know.

Fwiw, I'm 40s, very happily married for a long time, both of us have the odd weekend away with friends and so do most people I know. It's healthy to have quality time separately as well as together.

Lord … There was a thread earlier this week from a poster whose very new, middle aged boyfriend expressed the ‘opinion’ that she should never attend social events without him. People told her to LTB immediately. She … havered. I feel she needs to read your OP to discover how her life might unfold if she stays with him.

24 years? Two and a half decades of never going away without your husband? I am honestly a bit speechless here …

God this is not healthy OP and I think (hope) you know that. I'm with my DH 27 years and we have had many breaks away with our respective groups of pals during that time. There is no logical reason for his stance on this. Him simply saying 'its childish' or he doesn't like it isn't a valid reason! Friends are so important as is having time and interests aside from your relationship. It keeps the spark alive. It's even more important when you get older and any children have grown up/flown the nest and if either of you are retiring from work. And, God forbid, when the time comes that one of you is left alone you'll have a support network and activities to keep you busy.

But it sounds like you know all this. Please hold firm and do not give in to his threats. He's being selfish and controlling, sorry OP.

Ok wow, thanks all for your responses! I have been away with individual friends and have my own friends (small number) and we share friends too, so it’s not been completely extreme. This I am feeling strongly about though

Of course you can go! I've been having trips away with friends for decades, and my husband isn't the slightest bit bothered (or interested 😂). You are an independent person & you need friends of your own. You are not joined at the hip with your husband. Frankly, I couldn't live with someone who had an attitude like his.

In trying to unpick his reasons, he is insecure and needs to be loved, as we all do. I am more relaxed and we have always trusted each other has each other’s backs. We are talking about couples therapy, both up for that - so expensive but I guess way cheaper than divorce.
He needs me to tell him what my decision is and I want to be honest…

I was married for a long time, and I recognise the “getting more feisty” which I have put down to the menopause.

I didn’t have the problem you have, but my husband was controlling. As time when on, I began to see more and more ways in which he had been and was still being controlling and a bully.

Your husband is wrong to blackmail you this way. He strikes me as very controlling if this is his go to tactic, without seeking any compromise first. It may seem extreme to split over this one issue, but you may find that you suddenly ‘discover’ many other issues that you have put up or glossed over.

I know I did. I’m getting divorced.

This may be in fact your wake up call. You might see that your good marriage was mostly down to you giving up on your wants and needs in favour of his.

I mean he is "lucky" that you've never pushed back on this before. No wonder you are starting to feel more feisty, though I'd argue that that paints what you are doing as rebellious.

There is nothing rebellious about wanting your own set of friendships, your own interests, and your own time away with or without others.

It's sad reading that friendships have fallen to the wayside over the years.

I couldn't have stayed in a set up like this. Co dependency (from him) is so unattractive, its controlling, and emotionally manipulating. Not traits that should be welcome in any marriage.

Yes, this. He is testing your boundaries to make you feel insecure so that you do what he wants.

This is my thinking.

Don't give up your life for his selfishness.

I am menopausal too so yes I recognise that! Divorce is an extreme step and from my point of view scary. I really appreciate your message and think yes maybe it’s triggering the idea that there is control being exerted here which is unacceptable. I wish you luck Isheabastard, tough times x

This is controlling. I couldn't be married to someone like that. LTB.

'My decision is-that I refuse to live in a controlling relationship. I close a relationship where we love each other and are faithful, but that we make choices that enable us to live life to the full.'

See what he says, does he admit he's being controlling, does he think you don't love him or are unfaithful?

Of course you should be able to go away with your friends. He’s controlling and that’s not a healthy relationship.

Wow call his bluff OP. Sounds horribly claustrophobic and controlling. I’ve been married for 27 years and have always had weekends away with friends, even when our DCs were tiny.

I recognise the “getting more feisty” which I have put down to the menopause.]

Im 42 and seeing it more in myself too. I put it down to the new found confidence I had in myself due to a promotion at work.

Your husband might be seeing your feistiness increasing and feel the need to pull you back in a little too I wonder.

He needs to know that, however he feels, it is very normal for members of couples to have time with their friends - you are not making an unreasonable ask and you can't be expected to not have this time just because he finds it difficult.