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Original poster

Weekend away with friends ok or not?

128 replies

Taliaboo · 06/04/2023 11:12

Hi, this is my first post but I have read a few over the years and been grateful for the advice shared, so here goes! Am in a long overwhelmingly good marriage, over 24 years and struggling with an issue that threatens to end the marriage if we can’t resolve it. As I get older I am more feisty than I used to be and this is why I’m tackling this now, also kids are older and we are looking at life ahead and planning. DH doesn’t want me ever to go away with friends without him. It hasn’t been an issue until now. I have let my friendships wither away over the years through being lazy (and shy, under confident and socially a bit awkward) and have spent huge amounts of time when not at work with DH. We have been close and share joint projects and are pretty happy in each other’s company, however I have been reconnecting with college friends and we chat and I have just returned from a weekend away with them over which DH and I clashed. It’s the first time ever that I’ve been away with a group of friends like that without him and the reality is that we will want to do it again but probably not for a few years. DH feels excluded and feels it’s childish and if I can’t accept that it won’t ever happen again then he’s prepared to split up. I can try to organise some social stuff which includes the friends and DH but I am struggling with the idea that I have to accept his ultimatum, it feels like control. We have differing personalities, he is generally more strident and sociable and I can be quite reserved. He does occasionally catch up with a friend without me but wouldn’t go away. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
BevMarsh · 06/04/2023 14:19

How ridiculous will he look telling people you've separated as you may be going away with friends for a few days sometime in the future?
What. A. Prat.

pinkyredrose · 06/04/2023 14:24

What's his problem exactly?

jannier · 06/04/2023 14:26

Has either of you had or talked about wanting an affair....if not than it's strange/controlling
I'd be saying so you can't be without me for 3 days and would rather be without me for life than it happens again....well if that's the way you feel it'd up to you but in will be going

MaxTalk · 06/04/2023 14:29

What a twat. Pack his bags for him...

mast0650 · 06/04/2023 14:34

This is ridiculous. My DH would never try to control me in that way. Can he explain why he doesn't want you to go away without him? It's possible that he has some some insecurities that you may be able to address if you discuss them (being charitable here). Does he try to limit your freedom or undermine you in other ways? I couldn't tolerate someone who laid down the law like this!

HamBone · 06/04/2023 14:36

So he'd rather be without you forever than be without you for a few days once a year or less?

This ^^ He’s being ridiculous and either v. controlling or he’s v. insecure.

I’ve also been married for 20-odd years and go away with friends, more so now our children are teenagers. DH is fine with it, just as I’m fine with him going away. In fact, we both enjoy a little time apart!

Original poster
Taliaboo · 06/04/2023 14:41

He doesn’t want isolation for me, he’s busy trying to expand our social circle as we have both recognised that we have put too much time into work/family over the years. He making more effort than me to do so. He doesn’t like that there is gossiping at these ‘exclusive’ women only events. He thinks they are toxic, he’d be ok if the blokes were invited too and then he could choose to come along or not. Going forward I could just invite the same friends over or out and include the other halves so build the friendships so they are more inclusive.

OP posts:
Mari9999 · 06/04/2023 14:45

I don't think saying if you do this , I will do that. It is just explaining positions and options. Neither of you is in position of actually preventing the other from doing anything.

Both of you need to consider the value of what you are willing to put at risk and the reasonableness of such a stance. The couples counseling sounds like a good idea.

Goinr away for a few days with friends us usually a normal ext in a long term adult relationship. It is unfinished that your husband appears to find this in some way threatening. You can attempt to address his insecurities but it is not your role to own or concede to his insecurities.

HamBone · 06/04/2023 14:47

You can have couples friends and individual friends though. He sounds controlling, OP, who cares if there’s “gossiping” at these get-togethers.
He can’t control what people talk about!

It definitely sounds as if he wants to control every aspect of your social life…perhaps he’s afraid that you’ll start “ gossiping” about your partners’ behavior, for example, and you’ll realize that other people’s don’t behave like yours?!

user1492757084 · 06/04/2023 14:49

You might benefit from couples therapy.
Possibly he is over reacting and will calm down and behave reasonably.
How about saying that you don't want to divorce, that you love him as a husband but that you really enjoyed being away with friends and in a couple of years you might like to do the same again.
You could ask him if he is feeling left out? or jealous?
Does he not trust you? Try to understand where his anxiety comes from. Is he getting Alzheimers?
You could ask him to plan a few days away with you.

Bunce1 · 06/04/2023 14:50

He sounds awful. Do not enable this. He is toxic.

piedbeauty · 06/04/2023 14:51

Bollocks to him! What does it matter if you and your mates 'gossip'? If it wasn't that, he'd be moaning about something else.

Sounds like you have given in to his demands over the years and lost touch with friends. But to live a full life, most people need friends. I'd be saying to your h that you want to go away with your friends and you are a free person.

Why on earth is he ready to risk your marriage over it??

Mywardrobesareoak · 06/04/2023 14:57

6 years???? For the love of god that's not normal

HamBone · 06/04/2023 14:58

@piedbeauty I suspect he thinks she’s going to cave in -please don’t, OP, he shouldn’t be asking this of you.

Decorhate · 06/04/2023 15:00

To me this would be very claustrophobic but I appreciate everyone has different personalities & relationships have different dynamics. So although it would be a deal breaker for me, it might be worth investing more time to try to resolve for someone else.

When your children were younger, did you ever take them on days out with other mums & kids or has everything always been just the family unit? Do you meet friends during the day time just for lunch or a walk & is he ok about that? Is it overnight stays he has an issue with or you doing anything without him?

If you want to save the relationship I think you need to unpick the problem so that you can work out if he is being controlling (even unconsciously) or if there is some anxiety at play.

My dh has not been great at keeping in touch with old friends whereas I have a wide circle of people from school & university that I kept in touch with. At one time I did feel he relied on me too much for companionship. Thankfully he made new friends where we live now, through a hobby. And goes away several times a year with them. Which is more than I do.

adultingforever · 06/04/2023 15:00

Some years back my father blew up angrily at my Mum when she had taken a few days to travel with friends. Turns out he was afraid something might happen to him while he was alone and he would not have help. He was convinced she would live 20 years longer than he would, and therefore she had plenty of time for trips with friends after he died. In the end, she died in 2008 and he is still alive, and she did give up her traveling after this incident. And yes: he was extremely controlling and she was a doormat all her life. I would really take a second look at this.

ArseMenagerie · 06/04/2023 15:04

Taliaboo · 06/04/2023 14:41

He doesn’t want isolation for me, he’s busy trying to expand our social circle as we have both recognised that we have put too much time into work/family over the years. He making more effort than me to do so. He doesn’t like that there is gossiping at these ‘exclusive’ women only events. He thinks they are toxic, he’d be ok if the blokes were invited too and then he could choose to come along or not. Going forward I could just invite the same friends over or out and include the other halves so build the friendships so they are more inclusive.

Does he know them at all? Could he have a thing for one of them?

ArseMenagerie · 06/04/2023 15:06

Also: whatever his reasons WHATEVER they are he’s a controlling knob and I sincerely hope your menopausal surge gives you enough impetus to leave this petty, small minded and misogynist wanker.

Notonthestairs · 06/04/2023 15:07

Does he assume you'll gossip about him? Why would he think that?

Gossiping can happen via text, WhatsApp, in mixed groups on nights out, lunches. Wherever whenever.

He's grasping for reasons to justify for an unreasonable position.

And I'm sure he'll try to wear you down and suck the fun out of whatever you do - unless you buckle under and only attend DH approved events.

Notonthestairs · 06/04/2023 15:10

Ps telling you this is down to the menopause is implying this isn't the "real you" - the real you is compliant and doesn't stray outside of approved activities.

HamBone · 06/04/2023 15:12

Notonthestairs · 06/04/2023 15:07

Does he assume you'll gossip about him? Why would he think that?

Gossiping can happen via text, WhatsApp, in mixed groups on nights out, lunches. Wherever whenever.

He's grasping for reasons to justify for an unreasonable position.

And I'm sure he'll try to wear you down and suck the fun out of whatever you do - unless you buckle under and only attend DH approved events.

@Notonthestairs Perhaps he thinks he’s the center of the OP’s universe and the main topic of her conversation…yeah, right. 🤣

Eddielizzard · 06/04/2023 15:12

I would say I'm looking forward to the best years of my life, kids left home, financially solvent, a good marriage and I want to make the most of opportunities if they come up. If I get invited to something, I want to have the freedom to decide for myself, like, you know, those people... and adult.

He's making unreasonable demands. Either he trusts you, or he doesn't.

readbooksdrinktea · 06/04/2023 15:14

Ugh, he sounds like a twat. Sorry but he does. He doesn't want to isolate you, but he does want to be a part of every one of your friendships. He could fuck off with that if it were me.

readbooksdrinktea · 06/04/2023 15:15

Notonthestairs · 06/04/2023 15:10

Ps telling you this is down to the menopause is implying this isn't the "real you" - the real you is compliant and doesn't stray outside of approved activities.

Exactly.

latetothefisting · 06/04/2023 15:16

I don't get it
He is happy for you to meet up with a group of friends for an evening
He's fine with you going away overnight with individual friends
He just doesn't want you to EVER go away overnight with a group of friends?

Why? What's the big difference? Is it because these are college friends who knew you before him and who he doesn't have any control over, or any "link" with like he does with your shared friends? It doesn't sound great tbh.

Agree with the person who asked has your relationship been great up to now BECAUSE you've always done what he wants and been more isolated rather than the 2 being concidences?

If he literally just doesn't want you going away with these friends and it's only something that might hypothetically happen once every few years anyway then I can see the argument regarding why rock the boat for something so small -however if its indicative of a general dissatisfaction on his behalf about you widening your horizons that's a lot more worrying.

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