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Original poster

Weekend away with friends ok or not?

128 replies

Taliaboo · 06/04/2023 11:12

Hi, this is my first post but I have read a few over the years and been grateful for the advice shared, so here goes! Am in a long overwhelmingly good marriage, over 24 years and struggling with an issue that threatens to end the marriage if we can’t resolve it. As I get older I am more feisty than I used to be and this is why I’m tackling this now, also kids are older and we are looking at life ahead and planning. DH doesn’t want me ever to go away with friends without him. It hasn’t been an issue until now. I have let my friendships wither away over the years through being lazy (and shy, under confident and socially a bit awkward) and have spent huge amounts of time when not at work with DH. We have been close and share joint projects and are pretty happy in each other’s company, however I have been reconnecting with college friends and we chat and I have just returned from a weekend away with them over which DH and I clashed. It’s the first time ever that I’ve been away with a group of friends like that without him and the reality is that we will want to do it again but probably not for a few years. DH feels excluded and feels it’s childish and if I can’t accept that it won’t ever happen again then he’s prepared to split up. I can try to organise some social stuff which includes the friends and DH but I am struggling with the idea that I have to accept his ultimatum, it feels like control. We have differing personalities, he is generally more strident and sociable and I can be quite reserved. He does occasionally catch up with a friend without me but wouldn’t go away. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
CKL987 · 06/04/2023 12:14

He is being ridiculous and controlling. We don't have children at home to manage and this is how it works in my house when I'm going away with friends. "Did I tell you I'm going away with such and such this weekend.?" He says "no" and I say "well I am" and that's the end of it as he doesn't feel the need to do everything with me and control me, and he likes me to have a good time with other people. The only thing he wants me to do is let him know I have arrived safely.

Chamomileteaplease · 06/04/2023 12:26

Unless there is some underlying story that the "friends" are two ex-boyfriends of yours or something! then it sounds really strange.

How does he explain his reasons/thoughts? I would love to hear that.

Original poster
Taliaboo · 06/04/2023 12:31

forrestgreen · 06/04/2023 11:46

'My decision is-that I refuse to live in a controlling relationship. I close a relationship where we love each other and are faithful, but that we make choices that enable us to live life to the full.'

See what he says, does he admit he's being controlling, does he think you don't love him or are unfaithful?

I will be saying this. No I don’t think he thinks I’m having an affair but he does strongly think that this is menopausal me speaking!
He has wavered from saying he’d be ok if I only go away say every 6 years - I said already I wouldn’t be held to a deal like that! He thinks I am at the beck and call of my old pals and basically thinks I’d be available to anybody saying let’s go away.

OP posts:
readbooksdrinktea · 06/04/2023 12:36

You need to set this man straight, OP. He's being ridiculously controlling.

He's undermining you as an individual with your own wants and opinions by saying it's "menopausal you" wanting this.

LittleOwl153 · 06/04/2023 12:45

For him to give this ultimatum suggests that he already thinks he is in control and that you will bend to meet his wishes as he is more important to you than your wants/needs.

Now that he is waivering suggests he is playing a game - allow her to believe she has freedom when infact I am in control and will always be. 6 years is a long time to wait and she'll forget by then / I can make sure she doesn't have the money etc. / I can force another ultimatum when she's older and less likely to face starting again...

Whattodo121 · 06/04/2023 12:47

I wouldn’t be able to cope with that OP and I think he’s being massively unreasonable and controlling. I’m early 40s and all my close friends and I have got preteen/early teenage kids. So they go to bed late, eavesdrop on all conversations and have opinions and weekend activities. FAR easier to spend time with my friends by booking a hotel somewhere in the middle of us once a year for a night away and leaving husbands, dogs and children at home. My DH likes these friends and their husbands, but arranging for us all to go would cost a fortune and would mean we would spend half the time dealing with kids and organising activities and quite frankly I don’t want to do that 😂 we get to catch up, drink wine and then go home the next day and fill the husbands in on all the gossip - win win!

He occasionally goes camping and hiking with his uni mates or out for boozy nights out in London with his sister. Fine by me, I’m happy to dog/child sit in return.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 06/04/2023 12:57

He's your husband, not your prison guard; he should behave accordingly.

Tell him you're going away and if he doesn't like it, he can divorce you.

He'll be even lonelier then won't he, so I'm really not sure how that resolves his issues (& it is HIS issue - and a very unhealthy one at that).

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 06/04/2023 13:02

Once every SIX YEARS?! Oh come on, that is just ridiculous. Please don't give in on this OP or it'll be the start of a downward trend for you.

I also agree with a previous poster that you might want to reflect on how things have been up to now. Do you think that actually you've been behaving in certain ways to keep him happy? Does he have some level of control over other parts of your life? This is really not a healthy dynamic.

TheHouseNextDoor · 06/04/2023 13:34

This is a hill I would die on. Every, single time.

Tell him you will be going away as and when you please. Let him leave if he must.

Please, women who are starting out in a relationship/marriage please don't lose who you are and 'compromise' to keep the peace.

This is what you will end up with.

Issynohosbox · 06/04/2023 13:39

he does strongly think that this is menopausal me speaking!

This speaks volumes, does he think non-menopausal you had no mind of your own? I had a similar dynamic in my own marriage where we basically went 20-odd years with little or no conflict because I never had reason to 'go against' him as our lives and needs generally aligned.

And then we hit a road block, something we fundamentally disagreed on and 'menopausal me' finally kicked back, because it was over something important to me and yes, because I am definitely more feisty and able to stand up for myself at this point in my life.

DH was utterly confused and I do think he'd become far too accustomed to us being in accord, so it came as an unpleasant shock when I wouldn't back down. It took a bit of time and more arguments than we'd had in the previous 20 years but we have worked through it and come out stronger. In his case I genuinely don't think he was trying to be controlling, he was just too used to us being in agreement and couldn't figure out how to navigate the change in me. I feel like he has new respect for me now because he knows I would have walked away rather than compromise my needs, it feels a far more balanced relationship now.

Obviously you have to do what's right for you OP but for me it was a hill I was prepared to die on because it would have ended us anyway if I'd allowed him to override my needs and feelings. I don't know how much of the change lots of us seem to go through around menopause is hormonal and how much is just hitting the age where it doesn't feel like there's time to waste on not being happy but either way it's liberating. You matter OP, your feelings and needs and happiness matter and if he can't get on board with that then maybe it's better if he does leave.

pictoosh · 06/04/2023 13:41

He's jealous and possessive I'd say...he doesn't like you considering anyone else other than him. His comment about being at their beck and call is horrible...making you out to be weak-willed when in fact, what you're really doing is being assertive.
He thinks you belong to him and he doesn't want to share.

Tell him he knows where the door is. Bet he doesn't go through it, manipulative cunt.

maddy68 · 06/04/2023 13:42

I regularly go away with one of my girlfriends b he's being controlling. Unless he has something to worry about ...

ShiverOfSharks · 06/04/2023 13:43

I would go to the mat over this. Genuinely. I won't live with a jailer. Plus all this stuff about "menopausal" ie unreliable you speaking and about how you'd be "available to anyone" who wants to go away? What the fuck is that about? He's painting you as an empty-headed idiot who has to be managed for her own good. Damn right you're "available" to anyone who wants to go away with you who you want to go away with; we call that being a competent, autonomous grownup!

Crikeyalmighty · 06/04/2023 13:49

My H doesn't say I can't , but does have tendencies to bring up reasons not to and yes it grates. I think in my case it's because he doesn't have friends he can do this with , he has lots of people he knows very well but not the kind to go away with and he gets the opportunity for quite a lot of periods away with work . Don't put up with it OP- like you I did for years and suddenly realised that he was being quite manipulative, I couldn't accuse him of saying 'I couldn't' but he could make the atmosphere such that 'I wouldn't' - it's really not ok

StopFeckingFaffing · 06/04/2023 13:49

It would be a deal breaker for me and I would absolutely be prepared to walk away from my marriage if my DH attempted to impose such restrictions on my life

Cornishclio · 06/04/2023 13:55

Good grief this is not ok. You are not his possession to control. I would say that you don't know when or if you will go away with friends again but you reserve the right to do so if you want to. If he is unhappy with that he is being controlling and you won't put up with that. Nothing to do with the menopause. I think many of us get more confident and are free more to do our own stuff once children are grown up up. I often go away on walking holidays or alone without my DH or other friends/relations. You are your own person.

If he chooses to divorce over that he is crazy.

Dery · 06/04/2023 13:56

Agree with all PP - and if your marriage has been overwhelmingly good until now, I can only imagine that’s because you have done as you were told by him. I have no idea why he thinks his position is okay but as a PP said, he’s your husband, not your jailer.

Menopause is a great time for women waking up to their own needs and often having a bit more time to themselves because children are older. But that’s not you being menopausal. It’s you asking for what you’re entitled to have.

Beaverbridge · 06/04/2023 13:57

What century is this character from?!. Go your weekend, call his bluff.

Shoxfordian · 06/04/2023 14:02

Have you had a great 24 years of marriage because you’ve basically accepted him, controlling you, and not allowing you to see your friends? Is everything great as long as you do what he wants? If so, then it’s not great and it never has been

Thistooshallpsss · 06/04/2023 14:05

I just wouldn’t answer the question how can anyone decide something for all time.

twolilacs · 06/04/2023 14:08

Taliaboo · 06/04/2023 12:31

I will be saying this. No I don’t think he thinks I’m having an affair but he does strongly think that this is menopausal me speaking!
He has wavered from saying he’d be ok if I only go away say every 6 years - I said already I wouldn’t be held to a deal like that! He thinks I am at the beck and call of my old pals and basically thinks I’d be available to anybody saying let’s go away.

Show quote history

But he is insisting that you be at his beck and call instead. Can't he see how hypocritical that is?

NeverTrustAPoliceman · 06/04/2023 14:11

Blimey, I couldn't be in that sort of a relationship. I'm going on holiday with a friend in May and not only is DH more than happy about it, he has just bought me something I'll need when I'm there.

OP you really need to think about this, it's unhealthy and unkind.

MsWhitworth · 06/04/2023 14:12

I don’t really understand what his actual concern is. That you will be unfaithful? That he will be lonely? That you will prefer their company to his?

RosesInWater · 06/04/2023 14:17

Good to see you are waking up and questioning his attitude.

Let this be an epiphany for you, and make decisions for yourself at last. It is not easy if you have been used to doing all the compromising, but bit by bit you will get there.

If he loves you he will see that your trips with friends are no threat to him. You will continue family life as before, but with a few chains unchained. If he still has objections despite you being fair and reasonable about this issue, then that will be the time to reassess your marriage.

Life is just far too short to be restricted like this. There is a wonderful world out there just waiting for you to enjoy.

Notatmine · 06/04/2023 14:18

It feels controlling because it is controlling and it seems like he has been exerting this control for a long time, though more subtly, if your other friendships have withered away since you have been with him.

His insecurities are his to work through, not to hold onto by forcing isolation onto you.

I would rather leave and form a new, free phase in my life, than continue to live with a needy, controlling man who thinks I exist to fulfill him and my own expense.