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Original poster

Weekend away with friends ok or not?

128 replies

Taliaboo · 06/04/2023 11:12

Hi, this is my first post but I have read a few over the years and been grateful for the advice shared, so here goes! Am in a long overwhelmingly good marriage, over 24 years and struggling with an issue that threatens to end the marriage if we can’t resolve it. As I get older I am more feisty than I used to be and this is why I’m tackling this now, also kids are older and we are looking at life ahead and planning. DH doesn’t want me ever to go away with friends without him. It hasn’t been an issue until now. I have let my friendships wither away over the years through being lazy (and shy, under confident and socially a bit awkward) and have spent huge amounts of time when not at work with DH. We have been close and share joint projects and are pretty happy in each other’s company, however I have been reconnecting with college friends and we chat and I have just returned from a weekend away with them over which DH and I clashed. It’s the first time ever that I’ve been away with a group of friends like that without him and the reality is that we will want to do it again but probably not for a few years. DH feels excluded and feels it’s childish and if I can’t accept that it won’t ever happen again then he’s prepared to split up. I can try to organise some social stuff which includes the friends and DH but I am struggling with the idea that I have to accept his ultimatum, it feels like control. We have differing personalities, he is generally more strident and sociable and I can be quite reserved. He does occasionally catch up with a friend without me but wouldn’t go away. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 06/04/2023 16:02

This is awful - I'd never tell my wife she couldn't go away with her friends, and likewise I go away with mine fairly regularly.

LTB!

Original poster
Taliaboo · 06/04/2023 16:04

MMmomDD · 06/04/2023 15:29

I think the whole ‘going away on your own’ discussion is more of a red herring here.
In reality - the two of you are trying to figure out - after a long relationship - if you still work as a couple now that your childrearing phase is over. And what sort of relationship it would be.
Menopause often falls on this time - and many women become ‘feistier’. Or - possibly - freer to express their true selves. Maybe it’s biologically driven - as we have had our kids, and in many ways don’t NEED the men anymore. Maybe they feel it and become more controlling, trying to keep us. But women are certainly aren’t as inclined to put up with their crap in that phase.

So - that said - couples counselling is a good place to talk about all of this. About your wants, needs and fears. He does seem to feel insecure - and possibly thinking you are building up a separate life and eventually leaving him behind. Maybe he needs to understand what you are thinking and feeling. And also to hear that you aren’t his property and he can’t lay down the law.
If he is otherwise a good partner - this is definitely cheaper than divorce.
Good luck!

Thanks MMmonDD, I do agree with much of what you’ve said.

Sohungrynow, I don’t think I back down on much I think it’s otherwise pretty equal, we both compromise. DH turns down his own invites to hang out or go away with the guys, I wish he would go. He’d rather we did stuff together. He gets I need space and need to see my friends independently. He has watched other’s relationships fall apart and his mates who do stuff without other halves are mostly in broken relationships. Am still trying to unpick, thanks everyone for your thoughts

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 06/04/2023 16:12

I would hate to feel like I was “Out on Parole” and on thin ice the whole time I was away, wondering what the hell I was coming back to. I’d also resent the inevitable constant stream of text messages seeking reassurance/overt and covert threats and intrusions into your ability to relax and have a good time.

Greentree1 · 06/04/2023 16:26

I suspect there are a lot of women out there who hate their husbands going away with their friends too. Some people don't mind being home alone, even like it and indulge the things they like doing that their partner doesn't. Other people find it very hard to be left alone, particularly after a long marriage where they have got into the habit of doing things together. I'm not sure I would be thrilled if my husband said I've hooked up with some old friends and we're all going away for a few days (and no you're not invited). Mind you I'd probably book into a swanky Spa Hotel while he was gone.

jemimapuddlepluck · 06/04/2023 16:37

I love having the house to myself. Bloody love it. I organise for the kids to stay at grandparents too if I can. Bath, candles, takeaway, peace and quiet. Love. It.

JJ8765 · 06/04/2023 16:43

By his logic you can only be friends with people in couples. So if one of your friends separated from their partner or their partner died he expects you to kick them to the curb. My MIL lost some friends when she was widowed early in this way and it was really hurtful. I’m the only divorced member of my college friends and none of them have ditched me in fact they make more effort to be there for me. It sounds like you have a codependent or controlling relationship and I’d rather be single than have either.

KitKatflavours · 06/04/2023 16:43

I believe it is healthy to have friends & hobbies outside your immediate relationship or if you are single

I have always gone away with friends & I have made this clear at the start of any relationship

He has no reason to doubt you, so it must be his insecurities

You don't have to put up with him !

CleaningOutMyCloset · 06/04/2023 16:45

DisplayPurposesOnly · 06/04/2023 11:17

I think your husband is batshit (and controlling).

Has your marriage been overwhelmingly good because you've always done as you were told up til now?

This was exactly my thoughts after reading your op

It might seem an extreme ultimatum, but is it because it's the first time you've gone against his wishes? He sounds very controlling

KitKatflavours · 06/04/2023 16:46

Infact I am away with my friends next week !

CleaningOutMyCloset · 06/04/2023 16:48

Menopausal you is just another version of 'oh you're being unreasonable because you're on your period' it's another way of being disrespectful and refusing to take you seriously.

I think if I were in your shoes I'd be telling him he's being v unreasonable and controlling which isn't the kind of relationship you want, and if he feels strongly enough to want to divorce over this you won't stop him .

latetothefisting · 06/04/2023 17:01

Greentree1 · 06/04/2023 15:18

I think he was lonely and didn't know what to do while you were away. Probably built a picture in his mind of you being off with your friends all the time and him alone at home and miserable. Can't you and him and friends and friends partners all go away together? Maybe having some friends bits together with partners doing something else? I would be feeling pretty mean leaving him if he can't deal with you being away.

What if the friends' partners don't want to go away and do "something else" with random men they have never met before and might not have anything in common with, just because one of a friendship group has a husband incapable of being by himself?

Perhaps said partners want to go away with their own friends!

Plus OP has said her husband has specifically said that even if he was invited to a "with partners" gathering he might not necessarily want to go, he just wants partners to have the option of going so it's not a "toxic" women only event!

So OP could nag all her friends to invite their partners just to keep her husband happy and then he himself decided he can't even be arsed to join them!

HelpsHeal · 06/04/2023 17:24

CleaningOutMyCloset · 06/04/2023 16:48

Menopausal you is just another version of 'oh you're being unreasonable because you're on your period' it's another way of being disrespectful and refusing to take you seriously.

I think if I were in your shoes I'd be telling him he's being v unreasonable and controlling which isn't the kind of relationship you want, and if he feels strongly enough to want to divorce over this you won't stop him .

It is. Both my sons have had "menopause training" at work recently and the main thing they seem to have learned is that middle aged women are knackered and irrational.

Schnooze · 06/04/2023 17:31

Stick firm on this one. He has no right to close down your world until it’s as small as the one he is personally comfortable with.

A happy marriage is one you both choose to be in. Not one in which one party has her wings clipped and is forced to be in.

Orangetapemeasure · 06/04/2023 17:36

Of course it’s ok. I went to Australia with dd(3 at the time) to see friends for 3 weeks without DH.

Botw1 · 06/04/2023 18:05

Does he have other sexist amd mysoginist views?

I hope he's not sharing them with your kids.

If my oh told me he'd divorce me of I didn't do as I was told then I'd take him up on his offer

No way would I be putting up with him thinking he has control of what I do.

He sounds like an absolute prick.

Greentree1 · 06/04/2023 21:06

latetothefisting · 06/04/2023 17:01

What if the friends' partners don't want to go away and do "something else" with random men they have never met before and might not have anything in common with, just because one of a friendship group has a husband incapable of being by himself?

Perhaps said partners want to go away with their own friends!

Plus OP has said her husband has specifically said that even if he was invited to a "with partners" gathering he might not necessarily want to go, he just wants partners to have the option of going so it's not a "toxic" women only event!

So OP could nag all her friends to invite their partners just to keep her husband happy and then he himself decided he can't even be arsed to join them!

Show quote history

Who knows, too many what ifs, might work out fine. Just a suggestion.

Dery · 06/04/2023 22:52

OP - stop defending him. Why are you tolerating this “women in groups are toxic” misogynistic bullshit? Do you not hear yourself when you repeat these views as if they’re somehow reasonable? Why are you okay with that as a reason? You’ve lost friends over the years because he’s ground you down with his controlling ways. Your marriage has been overwhelmingly good because you’ve done what he’s told you to do.

I think he’s worried you will start sharing things about your marriage and get feedback from your friends that might really make you challenge the status quo. That’s why he’s being so ridiculously OTT in his reaction. He’s worried your female friends will put ideas in your head about what an equal partnership looks like.

Dery · 06/04/2023 22:55

PS I can tell you it wouldn’t worry my DH one joy if I went away with an all female group.

TottersBlankly · 07/04/2023 08:42

He’s worried your female friends will put ideas in your head about what an equal partnership looks like.

Hope he doesn’t have access to your online interactions. He wouldn’t want you talking to other women …

LumpySpaceCow · 07/04/2023 08:48

This is weird and controlling. My MIL and FIL were like this and then he died and she now has no life. Couples need separate interests and friends.
If you can't work through this (would couples therapy help), then maybe you do split, but I suspect that it is an empty threat and a comment thrown in to manipulate you to do what he wants.

Maray1967 · 07/04/2023 08:58

Schnooze · 06/04/2023 17:31

Stick firm on this one. He has no right to close down your world until it’s as small as the one he is personally comfortable with.

A happy marriage is one you both choose to be in. Not one in which one party has her wings clipped and is forced to be in.

Agreed. I go away with female friends for a weekend once a year - DH is fine with it. In the past I’ve gone away with male colleagues to visit an ex colleague abroad - again, no problem. We called it fieldwork without the students - brilliant. DH wouldn’t be interested in the daytime stuff - museums etc
Your situation feels controlling because it is.

Feemie · 07/04/2023 09:07

Dery · 06/04/2023 22:52

OP - stop defending him. Why are you tolerating this “women in groups are toxic” misogynistic bullshit? Do you not hear yourself when you repeat these views as if they’re somehow reasonable? Why are you okay with that as a reason? You’ve lost friends over the years because he’s ground you down with his controlling ways. Your marriage has been overwhelmingly good because you’ve done what he’s told you to do.

I think he’s worried you will start sharing things about your marriage and get feedback from your friends that might really make you challenge the status quo. That’s why he’s being so ridiculously OTT in his reaction. He’s worried your female friends will put ideas in your head about what an equal partnership looks like.

Agree. It sounds as if he’s afraid you’re going to talk about your marriage with friends and might realise it’s not great, that he’s controlling and insecure, and think you’ll only stay with him if he closes down anything that might give you the basis for comparison.

And please stop attributing your own ‘feistiness’ to menopause hormones. Maybe you’re just seeing clearly.

shutthewindownow · 07/04/2023 09:28

Call his bluff. Book a holiday with a girlfriend and go. You have worked hard to raise your family. It's time for you to start doing more things away from the home and the family. That doesn't mean you don't want to be with him but he must see this is very important for you to have your time now. Don't be controlled stand up for what's right.

JaneFondue · 07/04/2023 10:37

I really don't like the way you have referred to yourself as "feisty", when all you are doing is refusing to follow your husband's every wish. It's deeply misogynistic.

Original poster
Taliaboo · 08/04/2023 10:22

Hi All,
I think I should have clarified earlier that my friends situation is of my own making. In my early teens I was timid and introverted and always on the edge of friendship groups. I guess I didn’t have the self belief or love to believe that I was worthy of being someone’s best friend, anyway going forward many years my confidence grew with college, then with partners, DH and with family and work, loose friendships with colleagues etc etc. I let friendships slide not him and now need to prioritise that area of my life.
This doesn’t take away from DH’s words to me which I do agree are pretty bizarre and not acceptable. It has been useful getting everyone’s feedback, He isn’t a bastard but maybe a bit in need of therapy! I will stay strong and agree with earlier comment no one should have their wings clipped in a marriage, we should have the opposite- room to blossom.

OP posts: