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Original poster

Weekend away with friends ok or not?

128 replies

Taliaboo · 06/04/2023 11:12

Hi, this is my first post but I have read a few over the years and been grateful for the advice shared, so here goes! Am in a long overwhelmingly good marriage, over 24 years and struggling with an issue that threatens to end the marriage if we can’t resolve it. As I get older I am more feisty than I used to be and this is why I’m tackling this now, also kids are older and we are looking at life ahead and planning. DH doesn’t want me ever to go away with friends without him. It hasn’t been an issue until now. I have let my friendships wither away over the years through being lazy (and shy, under confident and socially a bit awkward) and have spent huge amounts of time when not at work with DH. We have been close and share joint projects and are pretty happy in each other’s company, however I have been reconnecting with college friends and we chat and I have just returned from a weekend away with them over which DH and I clashed. It’s the first time ever that I’ve been away with a group of friends like that without him and the reality is that we will want to do it again but probably not for a few years. DH feels excluded and feels it’s childish and if I can’t accept that it won’t ever happen again then he’s prepared to split up. I can try to organise some social stuff which includes the friends and DH but I am struggling with the idea that I have to accept his ultimatum, it feels like control. We have differing personalities, he is generally more strident and sociable and I can be quite reserved. He does occasionally catch up with a friend without me but wouldn’t go away. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Greentree1 · 06/04/2023 15:18

I think he was lonely and didn't know what to do while you were away. Probably built a picture in his mind of you being off with your friends all the time and him alone at home and miserable. Can't you and him and friends and friends partners all go away together? Maybe having some friends bits together with partners doing something else? I would be feeling pretty mean leaving him if he can't deal with you being away.

MasterBeth · 06/04/2023 15:21

I hope the therapy can resolve this. He is being unreasonable.

Summerfun54321 · 06/04/2023 15:22

If you had a daughter who told you her boyfriend wouldn't let her ever go away with her friends what would you say? It's a big fat LTB from me, there is no way any woman in 2023 should tolerate this controlling misogynistic shit.

JaneFondue · 06/04/2023 15:22

Your DH is a controlling ass. I have been going away for weekends on my own for as long as we have been married. I would feel terribly suffocated in your situation.

JaneFondue · 06/04/2023 15:23

24 years going everywhere with him? Aren't you bored? I would be.

Summerfun54321 · 06/04/2023 15:24

And why is he trying to expand your social circle? Why can't you just do that yourself on your own terms? This is all so toxic and odd and you can't see it for what it is as he's been controlling you for years already.

latetothefisting · 06/04/2023 15:25

Wait so it's women only events he doesn't like because he thinks they are "toxic" and will include gossiping?
But socialising one on one at your house (where he can keep an eye on you) or inviting husbands to the events (so a male, even if he himself doesn't deign to grace you with his presence can keep an eye on you all) is fine?

Come on OP this sounds like a speech the witchfinder would make to the Puritans to justify arresting the "coven"! Or the edwardian MP voting against female enfranchisement!

Would you ever say to him that he can't go out with a group of men because you are afraid they'll talk about porn or whatever ridiculous generalisation you'd like to make about what groups of men do when they are alone?

latetothefisting · 06/04/2023 15:25

Wait so it's women only events he doesn't like because he thinks they are "toxic" and will include gossiping?
But socialising one on one at your house (where he can keep an eye on you) or inviting husbands to the events (so a male, even if he himself doesn't deign to grace you with his presence can keep an eye on you all) is fine?

Come on OP this sounds like a speech the witchfinder would make to the Puritans to justify arresting the "coven"! Or the edwardian MP voting against female enfranchisement!

Would you ever say to him that he can't go out with a group of men because you are afraid they'll talk about porn or whatever ridiculous generalisation you'd like to make about what groups of men do when they are alone?

JaneFondue · 06/04/2023 15:26

I do have a friend whose husband hasn't let her go anywhere in 27 years. She feels terribly suffocated and is now on the point of collapse. First it was oh the kids will miss you, now that her DC are grown, it's "why do you want to go anywhere without me?".

JupiterFortified · 06/04/2023 15:27

He sounds like a complete and utter knob.

I’d laugh if my husband said this to me and tell him I was going anyway.

If he’s prepared to divorce over this then so be it.

SmallAngryPenguinWoman · 06/04/2023 15:27

That's quite an ultimatum OP - it's really not OK!

JaneFondue · 06/04/2023 15:28

Greentree1 · 06/04/2023 15:18

I think he was lonely and didn't know what to do while you were away. Probably built a picture in his mind of you being off with your friends all the time and him alone at home and miserable. Can't you and him and friends and friends partners all go away together? Maybe having some friends bits together with partners doing something else? I would be feeling pretty mean leaving him if he can't deal with you being away.

Yeah, no. He can learn to deal with being lonely for a weekend.

MMmomDD · 06/04/2023 15:29

I think the whole ‘going away on your own’ discussion is more of a red herring here.
In reality - the two of you are trying to figure out - after a long relationship - if you still work as a couple now that your childrearing phase is over. And what sort of relationship it would be.
Menopause often falls on this time - and many women become ‘feistier’. Or - possibly - freer to express their true selves. Maybe it’s biologically driven - as we have had our kids, and in many ways don’t NEED the men anymore. Maybe they feel it and become more controlling, trying to keep us. But women are certainly aren’t as inclined to put up with their crap in that phase.

So - that said - couples counselling is a good place to talk about all of this. About your wants, needs and fears. He does seem to feel insecure - and possibly thinking you are building up a separate life and eventually leaving him behind. Maybe he needs to understand what you are thinking and feeling. And also to hear that you aren’t his property and he can’t lay down the law.
If he is otherwise a good partner - this is definitely cheaper than divorce.
Good luck!

readbooksdrinktea · 06/04/2023 15:31

Greentree1 · 06/04/2023 15:18

I think he was lonely and didn't know what to do while you were away. Probably built a picture in his mind of you being off with your friends all the time and him alone at home and miserable. Can't you and him and friends and friends partners all go away together? Maybe having some friends bits together with partners doing something else? I would be feeling pretty mean leaving him if he can't deal with you being away.

He's a grown man! The pandering to these controlling strategically inept men is so depressing.

KittyAlfred · 06/04/2023 15:32

It sounds horribly controlling, not an overwhelmingly good marriage at all. I feel for you OP, not least because you don’t seem able to see how phenomenally unreasonable he’s being.

JaneFondue · 06/04/2023 15:33

Op, the reason why you are shy, lazy, underconfident and socially awkward is because your DH has been keeping you that way. Now you have got sick of it. As anyone would.

Showersugar · 06/04/2023 15:34

So he's sexist AND controlling

Sohungrynow · 06/04/2023 15:37

Unfortunately your marriage is not in my opinion a good one. What other things do you back down on to keep the peace.

my DH and I regularly have a trip away each year, he’s goes with the boys and I go with my girlfriends. I might feel differently if he was going with a mixed group but his hobby really is not my thing so I’d probably just get over it but I doubt I’d even think twice about it but we have what I believe to be a very strong marriage.

Your husband sounds very controlling, it would be a dealbreaker for me.

JaneFondue · 06/04/2023 15:40

I go away with mixed groups for my hobby. The thing is if your spouse wants to have an affair, they can do so anywhere. At home even.

momtoboys · 06/04/2023 15:46

Taliaboo · 06/04/2023 11:33

In trying to unpick his reasons, he is insecure and needs to be loved, as we all do. I am more relaxed and we have always trusted each other has each other’s backs. We are talking about couples therapy, both up for that - so expensive but I guess way cheaper than divorce.
He needs me to tell him what my decision is and I want to be honest…

He needs you to tell him NOW whether or not you may go away with friends in a few years? Tell him to sod off.

FinallyHere · 06/04/2023 15:46

if I can’t accept that it won’t ever happen again then he’s prepared to split up

The only answer to anyone who uses splitting up as a threat to control you, is to say that you would be sorry if that is how he feels, you will contact a lawyer straight away.

Before you have this conversation, get yourself informed about how the finances are likely to work out. Is there enough capital in your house to buy one for each of you, in order to house your children.

Meanwhile ignore his ridiculous demands. All the best.

gamerchick · 06/04/2023 15:47

Taliaboo · 06/04/2023 14:41

He doesn’t want isolation for me, he’s busy trying to expand our social circle as we have both recognised that we have put too much time into work/family over the years. He making more effort than me to do so. He doesn’t like that there is gossiping at these ‘exclusive’ women only events. He thinks they are toxic, he’d be ok if the blokes were invited too and then he could choose to come along or not. Going forward I could just invite the same friends over or out and include the other halves so build the friendships so they are more inclusive.

Even that sounds controlling OP. He's probably always been like this but you haven't seen it.

He's keeping you on a lead and the fact that you're trying to 'be more inclusive' says that you're used to letting him.

Imagine saying to your friends that you're not allowed to see them without him? Come on man

AskMeMore · 06/04/2023 15:51

DisplayPurposesOnly · 06/04/2023 11:17

I think your husband is batshit (and controlling).

Has your marriage been overwhelmingly good because you've always done as you were told up til now?

I too wonder this. Easy to have a good marriage if you always do as you are told.

AskMeMore · 06/04/2023 15:53

And do NOT try and make your groups if friends one where partners are invited. This will inevitably lead to some of them being unhappy at what you are doing and you could lose some friendships.

Why don't you say to your friends that your husband does not want you to go away with them any more?

jemimapuddlepluck · 06/04/2023 15:54

Taliaboo · 06/04/2023 14:41

He doesn’t want isolation for me, he’s busy trying to expand our social circle as we have both recognised that we have put too much time into work/family over the years. He making more effort than me to do so. He doesn’t like that there is gossiping at these ‘exclusive’ women only events. He thinks they are toxic, he’d be ok if the blokes were invited too and then he could choose to come along or not. Going forward I could just invite the same friends over or out and include the other halves so build the friendships so they are more inclusive.

Please don't do this. You are entitled to your own friends OP. Such a simple thing. I like to holiday with my friends and DH does too, I understand that's not for everyone but you are entitled to your own friends. Its sad that that needs to be said.