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Original poster

Should my husband be open about his finances?

121 replies

Fran490 · 05/04/2023 23:55

I recently got married. It turns out my husband is reluctant to be open about his savings.

I feel that we should both be open, because we're married and we're a team. I have been open with him about mine.

He also says that his money is his own. He works on banking and earns 6x as much as me (I work in the public sector -as a nurse).

When I ask him to be transparent, he tells me I'm being a nag. I had previously thought that being married means both of us thinking of money as being for both of us. My family have given me a lot of money, which I'll be putting into into our house - along with my life's savings.

Am I being unreasonable? When I bring up finance, he gets angry. He once accused me of being after his money.

I don't want his money - I enjoy simple things.

OP posts:
Narrowboat1 · 06/04/2023 00:01

I wouldn’t have married someone like this tbh and I certainly wouldn’t be sinking all your savings and family money into a joint home when he won’t even tell you how much savings he has. Definitely don’t have children. He will be one of those men who expects you to fund any unpaid maternity out of your savings.

2023issucky · 06/04/2023 00:06

Nope his a idiot and marriage is a team. Dh has always earned more than me because of the field he is in, but we both put all our wages together, pay the bills and whatever is left pays for kids stuff. We have a small amount to spend as we wish each month, the same amount.
I certainly would want to know what he earns and what he has before marriage. He sounds like he isn't being truthful at all

Rosecottage888 · 06/04/2023 00:11

What were you even thinking not sorting all this out before you married

Aquamarine1029 · 06/04/2023 00:11

You have fucked up massively by marrying this man. You have ignored huge red flags to your own detriment.

Whatisthisanyidea · 06/04/2023 00:14

Why are you putting everything in? What’s he putting in? Can you ring fence the money? Or just buy in your own name etc?

Fizzadora · 06/04/2023 00:16

Can you get the marriage annulled?

Codlingmoths · 06/04/2023 00:16

Have a separate account and make sure your family’s money and your savings are in this, and cancel any house buying without financial transparency. Since you’re married the reality is it’s all joint assets anyway but if you put yours into a house that will be irretrievably joint while he can keep his completely separate and waltz off into the sunset or spend on expensive hobbies while you struggle to pay the mortgage.

it’s a shame you just got married really, as this is a reconsider the relationship event.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 06/04/2023 00:17

Don't put your family's money into the house if he is being secretive about money.

If anything buy a flat solely in your name and NEVER incorporate the money into your marriage. That is the best way to protect it and yourself, because your marriage is not a partnership.

Snowite · 06/04/2023 00:19

Don't have a child / buy a house with any man that acts or thinks like this. Simply not partner material. Sorry.

Mari9999 · 06/04/2023 00:19

The time to talk about finances is before you get married. Many couples keep finances separate and manage to have happy and healthy relationships There is no one way or mandated way to handle finances. The best way is the way that each couple identities the way that works for them.

At a minimum , the 2 of you need to reach an agreement on how you are going to handle household finances and some type of joint savings. It isn't necessary that you know about his premarital assets and he likely feels no need to know about your premarital assets. Shared information because more of an issue when making a decision about the type and location a home purchase as lenders will require more information than you may have shared with each other.

If his reluctance or unwillingness to share his information is a deal breaker for you , now would be the team to break the deal. Your persistence in wanting to know details that he is obviously not interested in sharing may be a deal breaker for him.

It seems as though the 2 of you need to have some serious conversations.

determinedtomakethiswork · 06/04/2023 00:20

Never mind serious conversations, the only serious conversation you need is the one where you tell him you are leaving. Honestly, what were you thinking?

Liorae · 06/04/2023 00:21

Exit the marriage fast, before you put any money into anything with this guy.

Original poster
Fran490 · 06/04/2023 00:23

Before we got married, I had insisted that we have conversations about finance. He assured me that we would share. I didn't predict that he would be so reluctant to be transparent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fran490 · 06/04/2023 00:26

.... And the other day I told him I wouldn't buy a house with him if he wasn't transparent (which means I basically forced him to be....)

Of course I am worried.

OP posts:
Lysianthus · 06/04/2023 00:26

Fran490 · 06/04/2023 00:23

Before we got married, I had insisted that we have conversations about finance. He assured me that we would share. I didn't predict that he would be so reluctant to be transparent.

Then for the love of everything do NOT put your money or life savings into anything remotely to do with him. Get solicitors to tell you how to entrust your money.

Wavinggoodbyetoo · 06/04/2023 00:28

Think very carefully if you want to stay married. Is this the sort of man you want to spend your life with?

Mari9999 · 06/04/2023 00:30

How are you managing household expenses to date? Has he refused to contribute reasonably to your household expenses to date? Have you discussed big ticket items like a home purchase or substantial travel, etc?

theWarOnPeace · 06/04/2023 00:30

LTB

Butteralwaysmeltsaway · 06/04/2023 00:31

I suggest you tell him you intend to put in only a sixth to any property and certainly not family money.

If he refuses to be transparent then obviously hiding something.

What you do now decides any future financial conduct from him in your marriage, which will be to your detrement. Act with caution he's a tight fisted git. I'd be wondering what else in this marriage he intends to keep from you as the yeaes go by.

Nat6999 · 06/04/2023 00:40

Keep your money in a running away fund, it sounds like you will need it sooner or later.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/04/2023 00:44

If he wants his money to stay his money he shouldn’t have got married.

If were you I wouldn’t be staying married.

How long have you been together? What’s the current split of your household costs?

Original poster
Fran490 · 06/04/2023 00:54

Thank you everyone. For joint food and bills etc, the current split is that I pay 1/3 , he pays 2/3.

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 06/04/2023 01:06

Fran490 · 06/04/2023 00:54

Thank you everyone. For joint food and bills etc, the current split is that I pay 1/3 , he pays 2/3.

So in relation to your earnings, you're putting in twice as much as he does. Nice!

mastertomsmum · 06/04/2023 01:10

Always have joint finances when married.

greenspaces4peace · 06/04/2023 01:17

yes he should be open this his a huge red flag especially after you disclosed your side of things.
of course it's not about being after his money it's about knowing the family joint assets and long term planning.