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Original poster

Should my husband be open about his finances?

121 replies

Fran490 · 05/04/2023 23:55

I recently got married. It turns out my husband is reluctant to be open about his savings.

I feel that we should both be open, because we're married and we're a team. I have been open with him about mine.

He also says that his money is his own. He works on banking and earns 6x as much as me (I work in the public sector -as a nurse).

When I ask him to be transparent, he tells me I'm being a nag. I had previously thought that being married means both of us thinking of money as being for both of us. My family have given me a lot of money, which I'll be putting into into our house - along with my life's savings.

Am I being unreasonable? When I bring up finance, he gets angry. He once accused me of being after his money.

I don't want his money - I enjoy simple things.

OP posts:
Icanflyhigh · 06/04/2023 01:28

Why did you marry him?

I earn a fair bit more than DH. He knows this, and the bills etc are split comparatively and fairly. He certainly doesn't give up more of his wage than i give of mine, however our finances are joint so that's that - savings the same

Mari9999 · 06/04/2023 01:52

OP , do you think that paying 1/3 of your living expenses is too much? Does he fail to come up with his 2/3 in a timely fashion?

What is your fair in purchasing a house with him? Do you think that he lacks adequate resources to purchase a house? Your lender in doing their due diligence would likely discover any credit or finance issues in his immediate past. Do you think that he is trying to somehow take financial advantage of you? Does he inquire a lot about your financial resources? Do you see any indication that he is living above his means?

Lovingmynewbicycle · 06/04/2023 01:55

Cut your losses.
Because this is only going to get worse.

JudgeRudy · 06/04/2023 02:07

Are you British? I find it odd that you expected everything in your relationship to change as soon as you married. I don't know any couples under 60 who didn't live together before marriage.How did things work before marriage.
Please don't judge your relationship by what your husband is and isn't prepared to share...that includes information. I would never have a tracker app on my phone. I'm not up to anything and I don't distrust my partner. I'll also not share passwords, pins or let someone read my diary.
Just because you would be happy, clearly he isn't. I would however expect some idea of whatvyou can afford as a family and be equally involved in those decisions. Maybe it's just worked so far as your needs and input is low. How would you expect to work if eg you had a year or two off for maternity? If that's on the cards, get that cleared up.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/04/2023 02:10

Fran490 · 06/04/2023 00:54

Thank you everyone. For joint food and bills etc, the current split is that I pay 1/3 , he pays 2/3.

"He works on banking and earns 6x as much as me (I work in the public sector -as a nurse)."
So proportionally, you are contributing twice as much of your salary to shared costs as he is. Do you think this is fair? I don't.

"My family have given me a lot of money, which I'll be putting into into our house - along with my life's savings."
ABSOLUTELY DO NOT DO THIS! You really need to take the emotion out of this and act rationally and logically. You see offering all your money as a sign of commitment. Since he "says that his money is his own", he sees it as a sign of your stupidity. Stupidity that he will take advantage of. To be blunt - you will lose your money.

I would seriously look into divorce. I believe (but do not KNOW, so check this) that if a marriage is of short duration the individuals can leave with their assets untouched by the other party. The longer a marriage lasts, the more those assets are regarded as joint property, and you would lose at least half (probably more because you're showing signs of financial naiveity and he isn't).

"When I bring up finance, he gets angry. He once accused me of being after his money."
Angry? Red flag. And accusing you of being after his money? Projection. He believes everyone thinks the same way he does; so when he accuses you of something, it's because it's something he would do. And, frankly, is doing. He's after your moneySad.

"Before we got married, I had insisted that we have conversations about finance. He assured me that we would share. I didn't predict that he would be so reluctant to be transparent."
So he's a liar too. His assurances have not been followed through. Seriously, consider divorce. There are too many red flags around this man, extricate yourself because this will not end well for you.

Mari9999 · 06/04/2023 02:33

@Lovingmynewbicycle
What exactly are her losses at this point? In actual expenditures her husband is putting in more money. If OP is only paying a third of their living expenses, she is probably spending less than she would be if she were living alone.

Other than not wanting to share information about his premarital assets, there is no specific information suggesting that he is trying to victimize the OP in any way.
If OP has not seen evidence to suggest that he is either lying about his income or living above his means, what is there that is indicative of financial chicanery?

The OP may just have to decide if she is totally uncomfortable with with a separate finance situation. If so, then she has her answer. He has made his stance clear , and she needs to take action to make herself comfortable.

LadyJ2023 · 06/04/2023 03:16

Sorry am I missing the very very big fact you should have discussed finances before marriage. No way would I sink any savings into a house with his attitude about finances like that.

magma32 · 06/04/2023 03:34

Why did you marry him? How long had you been together? Just seems like a quickie arranged marriage where you hardly know eachother and the fact he doesn’t seem to trust you or he wants to accuse you of things so you stop asking questions. He seems like he’s sweet talked you into this, only to do things his way with no concern for your feelings.

Whatever you thought was going to happen after marriage is not going to happen so it’s up to you if you want to stay with him but going forward, I would be very business like and make sure you’re protecting yourself financially. Don’t stop working after kids, don’t go part time and make sure he does/his paying for half of the childcare bills as well as doing half the house work and cooking. But why should you have to do this when you’re married? Why should you be on your guard like this 5 mins into marriage? You shouldn’t. Especially if you decide to have kids with him. Also him accusing you of being after his money should sum everything up for you. I would find this so offensive and there’d be know coming back from it. Ideally you would just LTB as this just doesn’t seem to be a healthy relationship. Are you legally married OP? If not I would skip all the above and just LTB. He’s not committed to you the way you are to him.

Honestly, there are so many red flags here. If he is so protective of his money, why on earth did he marry someone who earns 6x less than him? Does he want power over you or something as surely he’d marry someone more on his (financial) level rather than marry someone he will constantly accuse of being a gold digger just to keep her in her place, so she stops talking about important things and asking important questions.

magma32 · 06/04/2023 03:36

What i am saying is in the long run he could turn out to be financially abusive, you read so much about it on here and if you decide to have kids with him you might feel trapped.

Teapleasebobb · 06/04/2023 03:47

Just seen your other thread op. You need to leave him. He is not a nice person.

FranksOcean · 06/04/2023 03:52

You know the answer

hattie43 · 06/04/2023 05:57

Rosecottage888 · 06/04/2023 00:11

What were you even thinking not sorting all this out before you married

This was my first thought

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 06/04/2023 12:27

Sorry, you married this guy. LOL.
Either made-up issue or you deserve eachother.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 06/04/2023 12:30

Cut your losses, and get out now.

GoodChat · 06/04/2023 12:36

Leave the marriage OP. This doesn't get better.

Abouttimemum · 06/04/2023 12:40

I’m not really clear on why you married him. Sounds awful.

mummymeister · 06/04/2023 12:42

DO NOT put all your savings and family money into a property. under ANY circumstances. you leave yourself incredibly vulnerable. yes you should have had a better conversation about this before marriage but you didnt. so now you have to protect yourself at all costs. put all that family money and your savings somewhere else. then with a blank sheet of paper discuss with him whats fair. a set percentage of earnings is the best way to do this and to put it into a separate family account.

Thelittlekingdom · 06/04/2023 12:49

I would be very very reluctant to stay married to someone like this. I definitely would not have children any time soon with this man. The fact he’s being so odd about his savings and it’s “his” money would have me running.

Hoppinggreen · 06/04/2023 12:51

Aquamarine1029 · 06/04/2023 00:11

You have fucked up massively by marrying this man. You have ignored huge red flags to your own detriment.

Well not really because being married she’s a much better chance of getting access to “their” money.
Not being married and buying a house etc is much more risky

Totalwasteofpaper · 06/04/2023 12:53

Your husband is being clear.You have a business arrangement not a partnership

Even if you "force him" to be transparent now he can and will hide savings and debts in the future. That is who he is.
You would be very silly to proceed as planned.
If you want to stay in the marriage you need to safe guard against that. That may well mean lawyers contract ls and trusts to protect your family money from him. You need to ensure you are financially shielding yourself at all times.

If you want children you need to preagree upfront childcare arrangements and costs and you will never be able to be reliant on him.

whodafucisalice · 06/04/2023 12:58

Surely if he earns 6x your salary the contributions should be you only ever put in 1/6th of his contribution or it's not fair!

EnVogue · 06/04/2023 12:58

Whatever you do - PLEASE don't have a child with this man.

Mari9999 · 06/04/2023 13:17

@whodafucisalice
Why is fair him putting in significantly more of his earnings. If a person prepares themselves professionally to live at a certain income level, why is it reasonable for them to expect a spouse to do more for them than they prepared to do for them-self. Fair would be for them each contributing half of their living expenses.

The partner is paying 2/3 of the living. expenses and the OP has not indicated that he had asked for or inquired about her resources at all. It is hard to see how the OP is being exploited in any way. That may change, but a year in and the husband seemingly has made no financial requests of the OP and still contributes more actual guy to the monthly financial pot than the OP.

If they continue the current arrangement, at the time of a potential house purchase, the OP would contribute a one third of the deposit and the husband would continue two thirds of the deposit. In that scenario, OP would once again be the greater beneficiary.

At what point would the OP become the victim?

perfectcolourfound · 06/04/2023 13:27

Oh this is so wrong.

He told you that you'd share info, then went back on that = he lied / tricked you in to getting married by saying what you wanted to hearm then with no quarms went back on it.

You contribute much more to the household than him, in terms of what you earn v what you pay - so you get less to spend on yourself.

I've married twice. I've been the major earner and the smaller earner. In both we operated the same system - pool all income. Pay the bills. Give ourselves the same amount as disposable income each month. For the most part, that's how my friends operate in their relationships too.

The fact he's hiding his money, doesn't think it's your business, gets angry when you aska perfectly reasonable question = all big warning signs. He doesn't treat you as his wife, his equal. He doesn't treat you with trust and respect.

And yet he expects you to contribute your life savings to your house? Please stop and think before you go any further.

Do you want to be married to a man you can't trust, who hides things, lies, doesn't trust you, is selfish with money?

In the meantime, secure your own savings, stop telling him anything about your financial situation, protect your money (don't put it in to that house).

redskylight · 06/04/2023 13:28

whodafucisalice · 06/04/2023 12:58

Surely if he earns 6x your salary the contributions should be you only ever put in 1/6th of his contribution or it's not fair!

Should be proportional to net income. If OP's "he earns 6 times as much as me" relates to gross salary (which is how people normally refer to salaries), then his net income won't be anywhere near 6 times her net income.

They also need to be clear about what is covered in the "bills" pot.