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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should my husband be open about his finances?

121 replies

Fran490 · 05/04/2023 23:55

I recently got married. It turns out my husband is reluctant to be open about his savings.

I feel that we should both be open, because we're married and we're a team. I have been open with him about mine.

He also says that his money is his own. He works on banking and earns 6x as much as me (I work in the public sector -as a nurse).

When I ask him to be transparent, he tells me I'm being a nag. I had previously thought that being married means both of us thinking of money as being for both of us. My family have given me a lot of money, which I'll be putting into into our house - along with my life's savings.

Am I being unreasonable? When I bring up finance, he gets angry. He once accused me of being after his money.

I don't want his money - I enjoy simple things.

OP posts:
Wishimaywishimight · 06/04/2023 13:36

Apart from the financial issues I would be very much put off someone who called me a"nag" because I wished to have a discussion with them (or indeed, for any reason).

Mari9999 · 06/04/2023 13:55

@perfectcolourfound
At what point does the OP say that her husband has any expectations about her life savings? His only expectations seem to be that he does not need to share information about his money. She never says that he had asked for or made any suggestions in relation to her family gifted funds or her life savings, and to date, the money's spent have resulted in him putting in substantially more actual funds as he pays 2/3 to her 1/3.

It is truly hard to see where the suggestion that the OP is the victim of some scam is coming from. The OP may not like this 1/3 to 2/3 arrangement, and in that case she may want to consider leaving. However, to date she has not been a victim of anything but marrying before she had a fully articulated discussion. Her family gifted money and her life savings are still in her bank or her control, and she could walk away in exactly the same position as when she entered.

Merryoldgoat · 06/04/2023 13:57

Narrowboat1 · 06/04/2023 00:01

I wouldn’t have married someone like this tbh and I certainly wouldn’t be sinking all your savings and family money into a joint home when he won’t even tell you how much savings he has. Definitely don’t have children. He will be one of those men who expects you to fund any unpaid maternity out of your savings.

First post has nailed it 👍🏽

Mari9999 · 06/04/2023 14:07

Would someone please explain to me how the OP has been victimized or scammed? I assumed that when the husband said that they would share ,he meant that they would share expenses, and it appears that they are sharing expenses.

I am not being disagreeable or purposely obtuse, I just don't see how the OP has been tricked, scammed, or victimized in any way. I recognize that at some later date the husband might possibly become a financial scammer , but so too could the OP, that possibility exist in any relationship that involves money.

But the OP has not stated any action or incidents when the husband has failed to provide his 2/3 or asked for access to her personal funds, and yet so many are suggesting that there is bad faith or trickery taking place.

Stompythedinosaur · 06/04/2023 14:39

He shouldn't have got married if he feels this way. It is mind boggling to me that he wants to have a better standard of life to his wife, or that you think that's acceptable. Did you not do the "for richer or poorer" but when you married?

SunflowerTed · 06/04/2023 14:47

Narrowboat1 · 06/04/2023 00:01

I wouldn’t have married someone like this tbh and I certainly wouldn’t be sinking all your savings and family money into a joint home when he won’t even tell you how much savings he has. Definitely don’t have children. He will be one of those men who expects you to fund any unpaid maternity out of your savings.

Same. I’m surprised you didn’t have these conversations before you were married!

piedbeauty · 06/04/2023 14:54

This is a big red flag. But you should really have sorted all this out before you got married.

He's protecting his money - but now you are married, you are entitled to some.

If he earns 6x what you do, he should pay 6x to the bills account.

But his secrecy and getting angry about it is worrying.

Don't put any of your money into a joint house until you have resolved this.

Mari9999 · 06/04/2023 15:00

@Stompythedinosaur
Many couples maintain separate finances and have perfectly happy marriages. No where is it written that joint finances are a requirement for marriage or even the best or only way to conduct a marriage.

What is lacking here is mutual agreement as to what financial structure that they are going to employ in their marriage. If you are going to employ religious vows to justify or dictate how a marriage should be conducted you would need to add the terms" so long as you both shall live. "

I don't see a victim in this marriage , I see only a lack of agreeiment. Ideally, this is a discussion that takes place before marriage. This couple married without fully understanding each other 's expectations and now there are having to work this out during rather than before the marriage.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 06/04/2023 15:09

Personally I dont disclose what I earn to my partner nor does.he me. We have a house he pays £1400 towards the bills and I pick up the rest maybe a couple of hundred. I know he earns 80k last year as I am Self employed its harder to predict I got 60k last year but this year nothing so far. Don't judge your relationships against others do what makes you happy.

whodafucisalice · 06/04/2023 18:11

@Mari9999 Not sure who has upset you but I've not mentioned exploitation or that the OP is a victim.

perfectcolourfound · 06/04/2023 18:44

@Mari9999 The op says

My family have given me a lot of money, which I'll be putting into into our house - along with my life's savings.

Given her husband lied to her about being open about finances before marriage, accuses her of nagging if she wants to discuss finances, thinks he should have a better standard of living than her, gets angry if she brings up finances, accuses her of being after his money, I've (perhaps wrongly) assumed that he's more than happy to take the life savings that she's told us are committed to buying their house. I could be wrong. He may be very relaxed about it. I'll put money on he's very happy to accept that money as 'their's' whilst considering his own money as 'his'.

Mari9999 · 06/04/2023 20:18

@perfectcolourfound
Maybe we are both missing some salient points. I did not see where the husband said that he thought that he should have a better standard of living, nor did I assume that her willingness to put her life savings and gifted funds into a home was being done at his request. Nor did I assume that he would not be making an equal or greater contribution should the identify and agreed upon a possible property.

The only out lay of funds described to date were the OP contributing 1/3 of the funds for household expenses and the husband contributing 2/3 of the funds. Based upon that information, it seems that in actual cash outlay to date, the husband has made the greater contribution.

GurlwiththeCurl · 06/04/2023 20:28

Did you get married with the traditional wedding vows? The part: “with all my worldly goods I thee endow”?

Well, this means sharing everything between husband and wife!

Maryandherlamb · 06/04/2023 20:34

Too late for you, but I wouldn't have gotten married without sharing all finances first. We're not married but have children, and all of our money goes into one account. We don't have separate money at all, and buy whatever we need including gifts for each other from the joint account. It's a massive red flag for me when people view their assets as theirs alone when they're married. It's always the one who has more that drives it too!

samqueens · 06/04/2023 21:18

“My family have given me a lot of money, which I'll be putting into into our house - along with my life's savings.”

Only do this if he’s matching it £ for £

caringcarer · 06/04/2023 21:25

Just dig your heels in and refuse to buy a house together. Definitely put any money your family gave you in a separate account that he can't touch. Don't sink your savings into a house with him. Tell him you want a marriage where you share everything good things and bad and money too. Tell him you have made a big mistake marrying him. Whatever you do don't have children with him. You would be trapped on maternity leave with virtually no money. He sounds horrible. I could not be attracted to a man like that. My dh shares everything with me ❤️ even though we have our own bank accounts. We earn about the same. Both have our salary paid into our own accounts then both pay the same amount into the joint account for all bills. Anything left in our own accounts we use to buy each other gifts or spend as we please but if one of us gets a good bonus or a small inheritance we share it.

Sunnygirl07 · 06/04/2023 23:07

Wishimaywishimight · 06/04/2023 13:36

Apart from the financial issues I would be very much put off someone who called me a"nag" because I wished to have a discussion with them (or indeed, for any reason).

I agree.

He is a nag & a Liar! himself.

Sunnygirl07 · 06/04/2023 23:10

I would definitely REFUSE to buy a house with him because he is LYING! & I would more likely divorce him because of this.

Houseplantmad · 06/04/2023 23:32

Just protect your own assets as it seems like you may need them.

SarahDippity · 06/04/2023 23:41

Do you each have children?

Were you each previously married?

is he paying support to an ex-wife/family home?

ladykale · 06/04/2023 23:43

Fran490 · 06/04/2023 00:54

Thank you everyone. For joint food and bills etc, the current split is that I pay 1/3 , he pays 2/3.

Why do you pay a 1/3rd if he earns 6x what you earn?!

aloris · 07/04/2023 04:13

Putting your money from your family and your savings into a house you own jointly with a man who keeps his own separate, probably not a great idea. Also, how is this going to work if you get pregnant? I would not be too happy about putting my body, life, and health at risk to have a baby with someone who was counting how many of his pennies I was worth.

Rollerpiggy · 07/04/2023 04:46

For gods sake do not put all your savings and money into the house!!! If you do , you will need a signed document from a solicitor saying what you put in and declaring you will get this back if you ever sell. Otherwise you’re gonna be out of money big time if things go wrong. He is not to be trusted with money, ever. I had an ex like this and splitting up was hell. He has dodged child maintenance and robbed me blind, it doesn’t get any better. Keep finances separate. Never put in anything more than he does -
with anything!

Netaporter · 07/04/2023 05:27

No one likes to consider divorce but reading your other thread, you are potentially heading into coercive control and financial abuse territory here. Please consider cutting your losses. Your DH is potentially alienating you from friends and family for perceived ‘slights’ and will not be openly transparent about his funds but is willing to accept you putting everything you have in. You may well lose 50% of your money without a deed ring-fencing your money. He probably won’t agree to a deed protecting your share either I’m guessing. I’m also guessing if you asked them honestly, your family and friends are probably worried about you too. You are asking all of the right questions on here and I suspect deep down you know the answer to all of this. His behaviour is not normal. Please set aside feelings of failure or maybe embarrassment at having a short-lived marriage (no judgment here, I had knickers that lasted longer than my first marriage). No one expects you to stay living in such a stressful situation. You have money, you will survive a separation. This will change (and potentially get worse) if you have children with this man and remain tethered to him forever. I’d suggest speaking to a solicitor on the QT about when you can seek a divorce so you have the facts and then speak to your friends and family. Keep posting if it helps.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/04/2023 05:30

My family have given me a lot of money, which I'll be putting into into our house - along with my life's savings.

Give the money straight back. Call it a loan and tell them to keep it until you get divorced.

BTW any man who called me a 'nag' would do it once. The word is banned in my house, nasty little misogynistic silencing tool that it is. It's like a trigger word for you to activate your internalised misogyny and do his ugly controlling for him.

You married a wrong 'un. Time to get rid. It's fairly cheap and easy when there are no kids or property.