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Original poster

Should my husband be open about his finances?

121 replies

Fran490 · 05/04/2023 23:55

I recently got married. It turns out my husband is reluctant to be open about his savings.

I feel that we should both be open, because we're married and we're a team. I have been open with him about mine.

He also says that his money is his own. He works on banking and earns 6x as much as me (I work in the public sector -as a nurse).

When I ask him to be transparent, he tells me I'm being a nag. I had previously thought that being married means both of us thinking of money as being for both of us. My family have given me a lot of money, which I'll be putting into into our house - along with my life's savings.

Am I being unreasonable? When I bring up finance, he gets angry. He once accused me of being after his money.

I don't want his money - I enjoy simple things.

OP posts:
Mari9999 · 08/04/2023 17:27

@Fran490
Your issues may be less about money than the 2 of you being basically incompatible.

samqueens · 08/04/2023 18:00

Oh lord OP - this is not a man to build a life with… my guess is you’re just seeing the tip of the iceberg here. Keep those funds where they are and take all the advice about legal protection - the mortgage payments etc are a separate issue and it may not all come out in the wash so be careful. He may later make the argument, for instance, that he owns more of the house because he paid more of the mortgage, and the money you put in won’t get factored into his thinking. Just be very careful.

he is showing you who he is… believe him

Sailingaround · 08/04/2023 18:17

The other day we were discussing possible houses we could buy. We will have at least two spare rooms and we'll be in London. I said it would be nice to have my Canadian cousins to stay for a weekend when they're in London later this year. He said no, he doesn't want that, and that I need to remember it's his house too. I said 'well it's also mine'. He replied that because he's paying most of the mortgage, I shouldn't impose guests on him.

I understand everyone is different but for me this mentality is not compatible with my lifestyle. Why can’t you have friends and family stay over without it being seen as something you impose on him? I have married friends and family whose husbands/wives have always made me feel welcome while staying at their house. And more saliently the fact he thinks because he earns more he can have a bigger say in things is a red flag already.

OP, how is he with household stuff? Does he pull he weight or does he feel since he earns more you should do it all even though you work full-time in a difficult job too.

If you’re planning to have kids, now would be a good time to ask how things will work financially when you’re on maternity. And if in the future if he wants you to give up your job or go part time due to childcare, is he also prepared to give you an equal say and equal spend in finances while you don’t have an income ?

ThankmelaterOkay · 08/04/2023 19:52

Apart from being a higher earner, what’s this guy got going for him again?

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 08/04/2023 19:55

I think this is something you should have clarified way before getting married.

He is not treating you like an equal.

Lovingmynewbicycle · 08/04/2023 20:03

Your husband doesn't have your back

This will only get worse.

In your shoes I'd cut my losses.

lamaze1 · 08/04/2023 22:41

I'd be extremely surprised if this gets better. If you have kids, you will probably be trapped financially. I'd seriously be rethinking the relationship.

magma32 · 08/04/2023 23:24

This doesn’t sound good OP. I also read your other thread as mentioned by pp. He sounds horrible and I can bet he will try to control you as he thinks he has more rights or entitlement because of his finances and how much he’s contributing financially, as others have mentioned I can imagine him expecting you to pay your way on maternity leave and not value your unpaid contributions that I bet he will expect you to provide. You know he isn’t a kind man but will you stay with him? What is keeping you with him? Does he have any redeeming qualities? Is it pressure of some sort from people around you? Why did your family give you so much money for the deposit? Did they know he would not value you much unless you coughed up a deposit despite him knowing you don’t earn a lot? Or is the lifestyle (big house, London etc) appealing? Because all of that will come at a cost judging from everything you’ve posted about him. If you choose to stay with him and have children then please listen to all the advice pp’s have given about protecting yourself and knowing how he will turn out, it’s not a case of ‘if’ but ‘when’. He doesn’t sound like he cares all that much for you, seems he wants to dominate you and call the shots. Your difference in earning is a big power imbalance already especially as he’s already talking ‘mine, mine, mine’ and seems to not like your family and friends much without good reason.

Codlingmoths · 09/04/2023 00:07

ThankmelaterOkay · 08/04/2023 19:52

Apart from being a higher earner, what’s this guy got going for him again?

Not much from the sounds of it. And he doesn’t share money so him being a high earner only benefits him, not the op. Therefore he’s got nothing going for him as far as she’s concerned.

Poppyblush · 09/04/2023 08:43

Why are you married? I’d be leaving or seeing a solicitor to protect my money.

Mari9999 · 09/04/2023 13:53

Men and women are entitled to have whatever beliefs that develop and have about how finances should be handled within a marriage. There are no particular beliefs are methods that are a required part of marriage and believing one way does not make one superior to the other.

What is important to the functioning of a healthy marriage is that they share the same or compatible beliefs, and ideally this is discussed before marriage.

It is unfair to blame someone or think them wrong for not sharing your beliefs. Your beliefs are not some universal truths or ways written in the heavens. What is wrong and unnecessary is to think that you have to adhere to their beliefs.

You are an adult with agency over your resources. You can put forth as much or a little as you wish, but even as you do this , you should realize that you are doing exactly what you are criticizing him for doing. He is exercising agency over his money and you are doing the same.

The question that really matters is why are 2 people with such different views on such an important matter, trying to blame each other rather than separating and seeking more compatible partners. Neither of you needs to be angry or unhappy. By choosing to stay together, you are choosing to continue in this spiral of acrimony and blame.

I

BishopRock · 09/04/2023 14:08

My family have given me a lot of money, which I'll be putting into into our house - along with my life's savings.

You'd be an absolute and utter fool to do this.

Personally I'd get out of this marriage before your money becomes part of any possible settlement.

Currently I don't think you've been married long enough for him to be entitled to a massive share of it.

theGooHasGone · 30/05/2023 05:20

He replied that because he's paying most of the mortgage, I shouldn't impose guests on him.

What utter crap. It's half your house too.

outdooryone · 30/05/2023 14:02

That does not sound like a relationship of mutual benefit, care and understanding.
If this is how a marriage is starting, I would be worried about what other 'restrictions' he will impose on you or secrets he won't share in future.

Littlefish · 30/05/2023 14:25

He earns 6 times as much as you, but you still pay one third to his two thirds.

You have no idea about his actual financial situation and he refuses to tell you.

You are using your life savings to pay the deposit.

Surely, with a salary that is 6x your salary, the deposit should be proportional?

He doesn't want your friends/relatives staying for a weekend.

Why on earth did you marry this man?

Do not have children with him. You are in an incredibly precarious financial position.

Honestly, I would cut my losses and get out. This man is financially abusive and you've barely even started living together.

Nanny0gg · 30/05/2023 15:27

Fran490 · 08/04/2023 17:06

Thank you everyone for your views and your advice.

I should have made it clearer that although I would be putting almost all the deposit in, he will be paying most of the (v large) mortgage given his high salary.

To show how financial issues are playing out more widely:
The other day we were discussing possible houses we could buy. We will have at least two spare rooms and we'll be in London. I said it would be nice to have my Canadian cousins to stay for a weekend when they're in London later this year. He said no, he doesn't want that, and that I need to remember it's his house too. I said 'well it's also mine'. He replied that because he's paying most of the mortgage, I shouldn't impose guests on him.

This seems a totally unreasonable argument to me, since the house would belong to both of us. He shouldn't have more of a right to it than me. It makes me sad that he feels this way about family staying, and I hadn't predicted it.

I am holding all my savings in a separate account at the moment.

Start planning your getaway

Don't buy a house

And never even move in with someone else unless finances are open and thoroughly discussed

TheseThree · 12/06/2023 20:15

With your original post I was thinking that you had some serious conversations that needed to be addressed (before marriage, but what’s done is done).

Reading your updates, I doubt this is a marriage you should remain in. He’ll own the house “more” so he makes exclusive decisions?

I understand that not all relationships handle money the same, but this is wildly concerning to me. This gets into territory of “What is a marriage to you?” which is long overdue to be addressed. I’d ask it now and if it seems appropriate, look at counseling, but be equally ready to cut your losses.

TheseThree · 12/06/2023 20:16

Apologies, I just realized I’m late to the conversation. Hopefully you’ve started addressing the situation.

Totalwasteofpaper · 19/06/2023 07:24

Totalwasteofpaper · 06/04/2023 12:53

Your husband is being clear.You have a business arrangement not a partnership

Even if you "force him" to be transparent now he can and will hide savings and debts in the future. That is who he is.
You would be very silly to proceed as planned.
If you want to stay in the marriage you need to safe guard against that. That may well mean lawyers contract ls and trusts to protect your family money from him. You need to ensure you are financially shielding yourself at all times.

If you want children you need to preagree upfront childcare arrangements and costs and you will never be able to be reliant on him.

Sorry to see how things have gone.

I stand by the first part of my original post.
You have a business arrangment. The development/reveal is you arent business partners, you are a supplier to his business. He is now reinterpreting the contract, changing your T&Cs and renegotiating. Its totally outrageous.

Different people have different tolerances but i couldnt stay in this marriage - even if i did it would eventually end in divorce.
I would STRONGLY recommend you keep your family money and let him buy a house hself which you do or dont live in (you will want that deposit £ in the future)

double up on contraception and do NOT get pregnant or have a child with him. You will end up being a SAHM whether you want to or not so he can be the big I am...

Totalwasteofpaper · 19/06/2023 07:27

Oh jesus i just realised you are the poster who has a husband who wont let your family stay despite planning on having multiple spare bedrooms

RUN DONT WALK.
his family might be catholic but he is not a christian.

RHarrison234 · 14/08/2023 13:59

My husband also works in banking and earns 6x more than me, but we share everything and are open about our finances. We don't have separate savings and we both transfer the majority of our salaries into our joint account each month. We both see our money as a team, defo x

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