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Original poster

Should my husband be open about his finances?

121 replies

Fran490 · 05/04/2023 23:55

I recently got married. It turns out my husband is reluctant to be open about his savings.

I feel that we should both be open, because we're married and we're a team. I have been open with him about mine.

He also says that his money is his own. He works on banking and earns 6x as much as me (I work in the public sector -as a nurse).

When I ask him to be transparent, he tells me I'm being a nag. I had previously thought that being married means both of us thinking of money as being for both of us. My family have given me a lot of money, which I'll be putting into into our house - along with my life's savings.

Am I being unreasonable? When I bring up finance, he gets angry. He once accused me of being after his money.

I don't want his money - I enjoy simple things.

OP posts:
Cantstandbullshitanymore · 07/04/2023 05:37

Fran490 · 05/04/2023 23:55

I recently got married. It turns out my husband is reluctant to be open about his savings.

I feel that we should both be open, because we're married and we're a team. I have been open with him about mine.

He also says that his money is his own. He works on banking and earns 6x as much as me (I work in the public sector -as a nurse).

When I ask him to be transparent, he tells me I'm being a nag. I had previously thought that being married means both of us thinking of money as being for both of us. My family have given me a lot of money, which I'll be putting into into our house - along with my life's savings.

Am I being unreasonable? When I bring up finance, he gets angry. He once accused me of being after his money.

I don't want his money - I enjoy simple things.

Why would you get married before aligning on major issues such as finances?

Lifeisnotfair4 · 07/04/2023 05:37

Stompythedinosaur · 06/04/2023 14:39

He shouldn't have got married if he feels this way. It is mind boggling to me that he wants to have a better standard of life to his wife, or that you think that's acceptable. Did you not do the "for richer or poorer" but when you married?

He sounds like the sort of chap that just wanted a good hearted woman who can bear his children and OP fits that bill. OP divorce him and find a decent man the one you’ve picked to marry is good on paper only.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 07/04/2023 05:38

Fran490 · 06/04/2023 00:23

Before we got married, I had insisted that we have conversations about finance. He assured me that we would share. I didn't predict that he would be so reluctant to be transparent.

That makes no sense. You start being transparent when you’re engaged and serious about getting married, you open up about your debts etc so you both know what you’re getting into. You don’t get married on a promise to share after you get married.

MysteryBelle · 07/04/2023 05:46

Sounds like he’s after your money. You pay twice what he does for food and bills in relation to your respective incomes. You are putting your life savings and large amount of money from your family into a joint house.

Lifeisnotfair4 · 07/04/2023 05:47

Precisely if he had said I have 1 million but it’s mine I want a prenup at least that’s honest. I’d be worried what other things in his life he is being secretive about too.

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 07/04/2023 05:48

You need to run OP. Major red flags. And you were really dumb not to get this sorted before marriage, luckily it's not too late.

snitzelvoncrumb · 07/04/2023 05:52

I would buy a flat and rent it out with your money. Don’t tell him and protect it from it being lost in a settlement. If you can’t trust him and you choose to stay with him, you need to keep something in case you need it down the track. Let him use his savings to buy the family home.

snitzelvoncrumb · 07/04/2023 05:54

But preferably follow this advice.

snitzelvoncrumb · 07/04/2023 05:54

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/04/2023 05:30

My family have given me a lot of money, which I'll be putting into into our house - along with my life's savings.

Give the money straight back. Call it a loan and tell them to keep it until you get divorced.

BTW any man who called me a 'nag' would do it once. The word is banned in my house, nasty little misogynistic silencing tool that it is. It's like a trigger word for you to activate your internalised misogyny and do his ugly controlling for him.

You married a wrong 'un. Time to get rid. It's fairly cheap and easy when there are no kids or property.

Sorry I meant ^ this advice

Comfortingpigeon · 07/04/2023 06:08

Red flaaaag OP

My ex was like this - always promising, always getting away with NOT doing financial things and once you're married with babe in arms he holds all the cards. My family told me marriage was a team and he should be open and share far more and i ignored them for years because lurve. End result? I was railroaded into leaving when he got bored enough of me and DD, I was penniless with nothing whatsoever to my name in my 30s and he was savvy enough to get everything in the divorce.

Run while you still can!

ThankmelaterOkay · 07/04/2023 06:21

He sounds like an arsehole.

What first attracted you to your 6 figure banker husband?

Sunflowergirl1 · 07/04/2023 06:50

We have sewerage finances but totally transparent.
I am gobsmacked you got married with this unresolved

MaxTalk · 07/04/2023 07:10

You shouldn't have married him. Mismatched earnings are never good. Sorry.

MaxTalk · 07/04/2023 07:12

snitzelvoncrumb · 07/04/2023 05:52

I would buy a flat and rent it out with your money. Don’t tell him and protect it from it being lost in a settlement. If you can’t trust him and you choose to stay with him, you need to keep something in case you need it down the track. Let him use his savings to buy the family home.

Don't take this financial "advice".

Sunflowergirl1 · 07/04/2023 07:20

Sunflowergirl1 · 07/04/2023 06:50

We have sewerage finances but totally transparent.
I am gobsmacked you got married with this unresolved

Sorry..separate not sewerage

GoodChat · 07/04/2023 07:40

Sunflowergirl1 · 07/04/2023 06:50

We have sewerage finances but totally transparent.
I am gobsmacked you got married with this unresolved

For a minute I thought you just meant your finances were shit Grin

Blueblell · 07/04/2023 07:50

Keep your savings separate and don’t sink all your money into a joint house if he is not being transparent.

Sceptre86 · 07/04/2023 08:30

I'd be getting this marriage annulled op. If you intend to stick at it then see a solicitor and find out of there is a way to ring-fence the money your parents gave you. I don't like that he gets angry at you or calls you a nag, these are red flags in my opinion.

I've never done joint finances with dh and never will. We have a shared pot for bills, food, kid stuff and it's a percentage relative to our earnings that we put in. When we first got married I put in a lot more as I was the higher earner, now I put in a lot less. I have my own personal account that I can spend as I see fit. It's just finding a system that works for you as a family.

Freddiesgranny · 07/04/2023 08:35

If he's not being transparent, he could be hiding something.
Son in law hid a gambling addiction.
Maxed out numerous credit cards.
If you know enough details about him. Look into getting his credit report online Experian & Totally money.
Find out what's going on.
If he's not up to anything it's always handy to have.

SwordToFlamethrower · 07/04/2023 08:42

Keeping secrets is not a sign of a healthy relationship, let alone a marriage.

Would be a deal breaker for me.

Greenfairydust · 07/04/2023 08:56

This should have been discussed and agreed before you got married.

I assume it could be that

  • he doesn't trust you
  • he is tight with money and this is always going to be an issue.

Have a serious talk with him but I would say that doesn't look good and I would not buy a house with him at this stage.

I would not have married someone like that in the first place and you need to have a good think as to whether this is the relationship for you long term. Better to end it now if you have to than wait until you have a house/kids together.

Greenfairydust · 07/04/2023 08:58

''@Freddiesgranny
If he's not being transparent, he could be hiding something.
Son in law hid a gambling addiction.
Maxed out numerous credit cards.
If you know enough details about him. Look into getting his credit report online Experian & Totally money.
Find out what's going on.
If he's not up to anything it's always handy to have.''

You have a point about the fact he might be hiding something about his financial situation.

But what you are suggesting is illegal.

The OP cannot randomly access someone's credit file without their permission.

Liorae · 07/04/2023 13:04

He may very well not work in banking and not earn anything like the salary he purports to earn. If he provides no clarity, end the marriage while you can do so without financial penalty. Live and learn, next time you will know what to ask and get proof of before any marriage takes place.

honeypancake · 07/04/2023 13:10

As a minimum, don't put any of your own money into the house. If he is so secretive about his savings let him fully finance your joint house, which you will own equally, how would he like that?

Original poster
Fran490 · 08/04/2023 17:06

Thank you everyone for your views and your advice.

I should have made it clearer that although I would be putting almost all the deposit in, he will be paying most of the (v large) mortgage given his high salary.

To show how financial issues are playing out more widely:
The other day we were discussing possible houses we could buy. We will have at least two spare rooms and we'll be in London. I said it would be nice to have my Canadian cousins to stay for a weekend when they're in London later this year. He said no, he doesn't want that, and that I need to remember it's his house too. I said 'well it's also mine'. He replied that because he's paying most of the mortgage, I shouldn't impose guests on him.

This seems a totally unreasonable argument to me, since the house would belong to both of us. He shouldn't have more of a right to it than me. It makes me sad that he feels this way about family staying, and I hadn't predicted it.

I am holding all my savings in a separate account at the moment.

OP posts: