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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Broken boundaries... Funeral tomorrow

125 replies

Sainsburysbunny · 03/04/2023 23:05

My bf does drugs which I've always hated. We made an agreement when we started dating that he wouldn't do them when he was with me. I would never ask him or tell him what to do. But we agreed it was a healthy boundary he wouldn't do it around me.

I've traveled to be with him for his cousins funeral tomorrow. And tonight, low and behold, he's asked that I accept he takes some drugs to ease his relief.

This is the third time he has crossed this boundary. I genuinely don't want to be with someone who doesn't respect not to do it, in the very least, around me.

What do I do mumsnetters? Do I attend the funeral tomorrow? I've gone to bed and said nothing as I don't want to cause a drama. But I feel like I'm done.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sainsburysbunny · 03/04/2023 23:06

Please advice, it's sensitive as I know he's grieving. But I don't know if I need to stay strong to my boundaries.

OP posts:
TeaNbiscuits74 · 03/04/2023 23:08

You are incompatible, the relationship will not work, so you are best if splitting up. (not necessarily saying dump him at the funeral).

Say that his drug use makes you feel uncomfortable, then go home.

growgrowinggrown · 03/04/2023 23:10

Well you say this is the 3rd time he's crossed this boundary so what did you expect?

When you let him cross it the previous 2 times and didn't leave you set the new precedent that you will tolerate it.

Personally I think you should pack up and leave, stick to your guns.

Original poster
Sainsburysbunny · 03/04/2023 23:12

What, leave now??

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 03/04/2023 23:12

I would go to the funeral then when back home leave him. He can’t respect your boundaries and isn’t willing to change

Lefteyetwitch · 03/04/2023 23:12

What do you see your relationship as?
Bit of fun? Just sex?

Do you honestly think you can make this work long term?

What I think you should do I pack up and leave him because this relationship and your boundaries in it are Farce

Original poster
Sainsburysbunny · 03/04/2023 23:15

The relationship is good and quite serious . Not had an issue re the drug thing for at least 8 months

OP posts:
creaamontop · 03/04/2023 23:16

What were the excuses the last 2 times? You can realise now or realise later that that's all they are, excuses. And trust me they will multiply. Choose your path, the two are already clear.

Original poster
Sainsburysbunny · 03/04/2023 23:17

But do I leave now? Before the funeral...

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 03/04/2023 23:19

He will look for any excuse to take drugs including grief, it's still not OK.
I wouldn't willingly be with anyone taking drugs anyway but in your situation I would attend the funeral and then go home, leave it a few days and then end it

Don't let him use his grief as a crutch to beat you and your boundaries with.

He won't change and doesn't really respect you properly.

Fortheloveofus · 03/04/2023 23:19

As good as it might be when you're together, the rest of the time he's taking drugs, which you don't want happening around you (rightly so).
What happens when you want to live together, get married and have children? Is he going to automatically stop drugs altogether? Or is he going to constantly ask you if can cross tye boundary because he's had a hard day at work, or the baby crying I'd causing him stress or you've had am argument? If he can't give up drugs foe the sake of the relationship now snd you keep don't stick to your boundaries, why will he ever consider giving them up in the future?

TeaNbiscuits74 · 03/04/2023 23:22

Yes, I’d leave now if you can get home safely. If you’re reliant on public transport then wait until tomorrow.

The relationship can’t be good is you are very opposed to something that he wants to do. This problem will not go away, it will keep rearing its head, more and more often until you’re stuck with him using daily. You don’t want the same things. Cut your losses and get out while you can.

Fortheloveofus · 03/04/2023 23:22

Wow, so many typos! Sorry, my message is bordering on illegible. Times to go to bed, I think

ModeWeasel · 03/04/2023 23:23

I would leave but after the funeral

Eranzer · 03/04/2023 23:27

What drugs?

Mycathatesmecuddling · 03/04/2023 23:31

I take it you think you should stay for the funeral because you are putting his feelings above yours?

Meanwhile he wants to take drugs because he is putting his feelings above yours and its not the first time

This is now a pattern and therefore you can see how your relationship will work. When it comes down to it he puts himself before you, even if you put him before you.

Lefteyetwitch · 03/04/2023 23:33

Sainsburysbunny · 03/04/2023 23:15

The relationship is good and quite serious . Not had an issue re the drug thing for at least 8 months

How against drugs are you really? Because I don't see how two people with such opposing views could get to serious?
Do you see a future with him taking drugs? Because he could carry on and increase his frequency if he wanted. You can't stop him.

Sodd · 03/04/2023 23:33

Leave him a couple of days after the funeral. It would be unkind to do it right now

Lefteyetwitch · 03/04/2023 23:33

I'd leave now.
He broke the boundary and knew it while doing it.
You don't owe him your support.

GreyCarpet · 03/04/2023 23:35

I wouldn't go to the funeral.

You are putting yourself out and will feel uncomfortable the whole time.

I'd jsit tell him that you're not comfortable woth him taking drugs and won't be going to the funeral.

Of he says you're being unfair or whatever, just repeat that he can choose to do what he wants and so can you and your not comfortable with it so won't be going.

Just stand firm.

GreyCarpet · 03/04/2023 23:35

Sodd · 03/04/2023 23:33

Leave him a couple of days after the funeral. It would be unkind to do it right now

Why do you think she owes him kindness?

namechange3388 · 03/04/2023 23:41

Drugs is a broad term.

A spliff or crystal meth?

Lefteyetwitch · 03/04/2023 23:42

Sodd · 03/04/2023 23:33

Leave him a couple of days after the funeral. It would be unkind to do it right now

Unkind Is doing something you know will intentionally hurt tge person you're in a relationship with who has bmtrvwlled to support you.

He should've chosen her over the drugs.

Mycathatesmecuddling · 03/04/2023 23:48

namechange3388 · 03/04/2023 23:41

Drugs is a broad term.

A spliff or crystal meth?

It's irrelevant though, she has a boundary around drugs that he isn't willing to respect

To be honest they both aren't compatible. I wouldn't want to be with a smoker, but I wouldn't date one and expecting him to just stop smoking, I just wouldn't date him at all

FantasticButtocks · 03/04/2023 23:48

Not sure what the point is of having boundaries, if they aren't enforced. Your boundaries that you put in place state what behaviour you won't tolerate; if the other person tramples on those boundaries then surely you don't give them an opportunity to do so again. If that's your bottom line. That is what a boundary is.