Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Broken boundaries... Funeral tomorrow

125 replies

Sainsburysbunny · 03/04/2023 23:05

My bf does drugs which I've always hated. We made an agreement when we started dating that he wouldn't do them when he was with me. I would never ask him or tell him what to do. But we agreed it was a healthy boundary he wouldn't do it around me.

I've traveled to be with him for his cousins funeral tomorrow. And tonight, low and behold, he's asked that I accept he takes some drugs to ease his relief.

This is the third time he has crossed this boundary. I genuinely don't want to be with someone who doesn't respect not to do it, in the very least, around me.

What do I do mumsnetters? Do I attend the funeral tomorrow? I've gone to bed and said nothing as I don't want to cause a drama. But I feel like I'm done.

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 04/04/2023 08:44

I wouldn't be going to the funeral at all. I'd be on my way home.

Crumpetdisappointment · 04/04/2023 08:47

nobody needs a spliff to get through a funeral,
that is appalling.

anyway good luck op, be strong

forrestgreen · 04/04/2023 08:49

But you don't have a firm anti drugs stance at all.

Your boyfriend is a drug user and despite asking has used them with you multiple times. There's no way you e enforced any boundary with him

Original poster
Sainsburysbunny · 04/04/2023 08:52

Your all right. I don't know what to do now... Everyone's getting ready and he's downstairs making breakfast. I think I'll leave directly after the funeral. I feel like he's going to be ragey now because he thinks it's all ok..

OP posts:
Shemovesshemoves21 · 04/04/2023 08:56

Sainsburysbunny · 04/04/2023 08:52

Your all right. I don't know what to do now... Everyone's getting ready and he's downstairs making breakfast. I think I'll leave directly after the funeral. I feel like he's going to be ragey now because he thinks it's all ok..

Just leave after the funeral. You don't even have to tell him if youre worried about his reaction. Just walk off or pretend to go to the toilet or something. Officially break up with him in a day or two.

GreyCarpet · 04/04/2023 09:00

Thinkwicebeforeyouleavemylife · 04/04/2023 08:30

He's hardly a drug addict by the sound of things. He wants a relaxing spliff to take the edge off before a funeral. Is it any different to having a whiskey or brandy or other alcohol to calm your nerves? Alcohol causes a lot more violence and other shit than a bit of weed.

I really think people on here need to chill out! In OPs case it seems he's crossed a boundary but maybe the boundary was unreasonable. The OP knows he takes drugs when he's not with her. Why is mumsnet so anti drugs when you're probably all drinking wine to get through life?

Show quote history

A person's boundaries are whatever that person chooses then to be. They are a choice someone makes for their own life not something that should be used to control another person.

He can do whatever he likes. She can choose to end it.

GreyCarpet · 04/04/2023 09:02

Sainsburysbunny · 04/04/2023 08:52

Your all right. I don't know what to do now... Everyone's getting ready and he's downstairs making breakfast. I think I'll leave directly after the funeral. I feel like he's going to be ragey now because he thinks it's all ok..

Tbh, you are creating this problem.

You've let it go before so he doesn't believe your boundaries are what they are because your words and actions don't match.

You're now worrying about him being ragey.

If you're going to the funeral go. Make yourexcuses afterwards. Pack your bags, tel him you're leaving. Don't get into a big discussion about it.

GreyCarpet · 04/04/2023 09:03

Topseyt123 · 04/04/2023 08:44

I wouldn't be going to the funeral at all. I'd be on my way home.

Same.

Sausagerolex · 04/04/2023 09:04

His threat of ragey is scary but shouldn’t direct your actions- that’s abuse OP.

your reasoning for hating drugs is presumably one he knows about. It is rooted in very real experience and if he can’t respect it then he should and could have ended the relationship. He has the flexibility to decide what matters to him.

you are being very gracious in attending the funeral. Leaving after is reasonable and warranted. But go somewhere you have support in case he pulls the full on emotional drama.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 04/04/2023 09:15

You're not really anti drugs if you knowingly enter a relationship with someone who takes them! Just because he is not taking them with you doesn't mean he is not taking them! You are in a relationship with someone who has a relationship with illegal drugs and all that entails.
County lines, people trafficking, gang activity....all part and parcel of every spliff.

The dact that you also say he gets ' ragey' makes me think that you put up with any oldxshit from this man.

Mycathatesmecuddling · 04/04/2023 09:19

Thinkwicebeforeyouleavemylife · 04/04/2023 08:30

He's hardly a drug addict by the sound of things. He wants a relaxing spliff to take the edge off before a funeral. Is it any different to having a whiskey or brandy or other alcohol to calm your nerves? Alcohol causes a lot more violence and other shit than a bit of weed.

I really think people on here need to chill out! In OPs case it seems he's crossed a boundary but maybe the boundary was unreasonable. The OP knows he takes drugs when he's not with her. Why is mumsnet so anti drugs when you're probably all drinking wine to get through life?

Show quote history

Not wanting your boyfriend to do drugs doesn't mean anyone needs to chill out, it's a perfectly reasonable and normal boundary.

pog100 · 04/04/2023 09:21

OK, far and away worse than his boundary breaking is your fear of him becoming ragey. That's all kinds of worrying and doesn't belong in any healthy relationship. You must leave.

Shemovesshemoves21 · 04/04/2023 09:24

Thinkwicebeforeyouleavemylife · 04/04/2023 08:30

He's hardly a drug addict by the sound of things. He wants a relaxing spliff to take the edge off before a funeral. Is it any different to having a whiskey or brandy or other alcohol to calm your nerves? Alcohol causes a lot more violence and other shit than a bit of weed.

I really think people on here need to chill out! In OPs case it seems he's crossed a boundary but maybe the boundary was unreasonable. The OP knows he takes drugs when he's not with her. Why is mumsnet so anti drugs when you're probably all drinking wine to get through life?

Show quote history

If he can't get through a funeral without a splif, then he most certainly is an addict.

It's not up to you or anyone else to say OPs boundary is 'unreasonable'. What a ridiculous statement.

MoonOverBroadway · 04/04/2023 09:28

I don’t think a relationship can work where two people feel so differently about an issue.

Thats the real issue. Whether you end things today or tomorrow, it’s not workable.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 04/04/2023 09:29

The way it is different to having a brandy is that brandy is legal and nobody's lives gave been destroyed in the making snd supply of that brandy.

rainbowstardrops · 04/04/2023 09:33

Well if this is the third time that he's crossed the boundary that he knows you have in place then he's not really bothered by your boundaries is he?
What happens if you start a family for example? Is he going to excuse his drug taking because he's been kept awake all night, or the baby is unwell etc?

Mycathatesmecuddling · 04/04/2023 09:41

hundreds of children are trafficked from Vietnam every year and forced to work in hidden cannabis farms across the UK: small cogs in the vast criminal machine that supplies Britain’s £2.6bn cannabis black market

I don't even drink wine but I'm sure if I did I wouldn't be finding news articles about child slaves being made to work in vineyards.

It's all very well being all cool and chill around drugs and making out like those of us who aren't are stuffy and uptight

But if you take drugs you are supporting human trafficking and slavery. That doesn't make you the better person.

Crumpetdisappointment · 04/04/2023 09:55

you dont need to make a big scene,
however he has crossed the line
you have made the line
you can accompany him to the funeral to keep the peace but the truth is, the relationship is over

Stressfordays · 04/04/2023 10:03

I was with a 'secret' drug addict for 10 years, all I can tell you is that it only got worse not better over time. The secret came out as the drug use escalated, I put up with it for a while but it all became too much. He has completely ruined his life now and I am glad I escaped before it got too bad. Just leave, plenty of men out there who don't do drugs.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 04/04/2023 10:04

I really think people on here need to chill out! In OPs case it seems he's crossed a boundary but maybe the boundary was unreasonable.

It really isn't up to you to decide if a boundary is unreasonable. Many people wouldn't find a boundary on drugs unreasonable.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 04/04/2023 10:05

Oh and OP just leave. He knew your boundary and deliberately disrespected it. He has no right to get angry with you. You don't owe him anything just because his family member died.

AgentJohnson · 04/04/2023 10:11

What use is a boundary if you people walk all over it. His drug use around you is not a boundary it’s a ‘this is what I’d prefer but won’t do anything about if you ignore it’ empty statement. Leave now! There will always be an excuse for him doing drugs. He doesn’t want to change, he wants you to accept it, which you already have by still being with him.

user1492757084 · 04/04/2023 10:23

Like you said yourself. You don't find drugs acceptable.
You know you have to leave.
It is the kindest thing for yourself and your future.
Don't make a fuss while you are there for the funeral but go home and pack. There is no point in not staying calm and kind near people who are grieving.
Make a plan to be rid of the bf. He understands fully.

Crazycrazylady · 04/04/2023 10:27

Honestly I would wait till after funeral but leave him them.
There are going to be lots of stressful times in your lives, money , houses kids etc and he will 'need' to use drugs to help him cope each time.
He's an addict and you are both incompatible.

Lefteyetwitch · 04/04/2023 10:28

Sainsburysbunny · 04/04/2023 08:52

Your all right. I don't know what to do now... Everyone's getting ready and he's downstairs making breakfast. I think I'll leave directly after the funeral. I feel like he's going to be ragey now because he thinks it's all ok..

If you think he's going to be ragey you pack your stuff call a taxi and leave immediately. You don't get into any conversation or debate at all.