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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Broken boundaries... Funeral tomorrow

125 replies

Sainsburysbunny · 03/04/2023 23:05

My bf does drugs which I've always hated. We made an agreement when we started dating that he wouldn't do them when he was with me. I would never ask him or tell him what to do. But we agreed it was a healthy boundary he wouldn't do it around me.

I've traveled to be with him for his cousins funeral tomorrow. And tonight, low and behold, he's asked that I accept he takes some drugs to ease his relief.

This is the third time he has crossed this boundary. I genuinely don't want to be with someone who doesn't respect not to do it, in the very least, around me.

What do I do mumsnetters? Do I attend the funeral tomorrow? I've gone to bed and said nothing as I don't want to cause a drama. But I feel like I'm done.

OP posts:

JupiterFortified · 03/04/2023 23:50

What drugs is he taking?

Are we talking smoking a joint or snorting coke/popping pills?

Opentooffers · 03/04/2023 23:52

Depends on the drugs really, though I only date non-smokers these days. However, if talking of a relaxing spliff, I could deal as a one off under the circumstances, but if he's on some hard stuff, then no really. Why invite you then take drugs in your presence? If he wanted to do some, he shouldn't of suggested you come. It's only been 8 months so you can't of known his cousin that well. Had you even met?

bingbangbongding · 03/04/2023 23:52

Unless it's heroin meth or crack I don't think I could be arsed with being bothered about that.

If you are ok with him going drugs when he's not with you then that's tacit acceptance on your part IMO

Rogue1001MNer · 03/04/2023 23:54

How old was the cousin?
Was the death expected?
Wete they close?
Is he upset?

Personally, I'd stay for the funeral because I wouldn't want to make a bad situation worse for anyone.
But when I said goodbye afterwards, it would be for the last time

Mycathatesmecuddling · 03/04/2023 23:57

There's a 9 year old little girl dead because of a dealer who dealt 'relaxing spliffs' that people 'wouldn't be bothered about'

It's perfectly okay for the OP not to be happy about any drugs

Thisgirlcan21 · 04/04/2023 00:03

It’s up to you but I would go to the funeral with him. Take a few days to consider your choices. Personally i believe if you haven’t got the same beliefs it’s not going to work.

Sausagerolex · 04/04/2023 00:05

Is he wanting to take drugs tonight with just you and he at home? Or is he asking about tomorrow at the wake or after the funeral?

if at home tonight and he knows you don’t want to be around drugs then assuming I could get home safely I think I’d go now. I don’t like being around people who are off their heads on drugs it makes me really uncomfortable.

If he’s telling you he plans to take them tomorrow then I’d go to the funeral and leave immediately afterwards.

Bur ultimately you are well within your right to go as you have been clear all along about drugs being your line and he is choosing to cross that regardless of his reasoning.

This won’t work long term. It’s a very fundamental issue. And if he is still using drugs despite your dislike, so long into a relationship then he will always use. If you can’t live with that then you do yourself no favours on staying with him any longer.

EllandRd · 04/04/2023 00:05

Raise your standards OP, he is a drug addict and they will always come before you.

saraclara · 04/04/2023 00:09

It's his cousin's funeral. I can't believe that people are telling you to leave him NOW.

I'm assuming that we're talking a spliff if he's saying he needs to relax? Yes, it's crossed your boundaries, but assuming that I'm right, it's not an immediate 'LTB even though he's burying his cousin'. Again, I'm assuming that the cousin was his age, so quite young. Sounds really distressing.

Whether or not there's a future for you both can wait a couple of days, for goodness' sake.

saraclara · 04/04/2023 00:10

Mycathatesmecuddling · 03/04/2023 23:57

There's a 9 year old little girl dead because of a dealer who dealt 'relaxing spliffs' that people 'wouldn't be bothered about'

It's perfectly okay for the OP not to be happy about any drugs

I think you'll find that he wasn't dealing spliffs.

I'm anti drugs, btw, but let's recognise that there's a difference between dealing a few spliffs and dealing heroin.

fUNNYfACE36 · 04/04/2023 00:12

Do not. Are important decisions when things are in a state of flux
Wait till the shock and grief of his bereavment has started to ease, and things are back to normal before taking a big decision

Mycathatesmecuddling · 04/04/2023 00:13

saraclara · 04/04/2023 00:10

I think you'll find that he wasn't dealing spliffs.

I'm anti drugs, btw, but let's recognise that there's a difference between dealing a few spliffs and dealing heroin.

Show quote history

The newspaper articles I read said that he dealt cannabis so...

Fortheloveofus · 04/04/2023 00:53

saraclara · 04/04/2023 00:10

I think you'll find that he wasn't dealing spliffs.

I'm anti drugs, btw, but let's recognise that there's a difference between dealing a few spliffs and dealing heroin.

Show quote history

He was a cannabis dealer. It's been over the news for weeks. Let's know the difference between talking shit and knowing the facts

Ofcourseshecan · 04/04/2023 01:09

Tinkerbyebye · 03/04/2023 23:12

I would go to the funeral then when back home leave him. He can’t respect your boundaries and isn’t willing to change

I agree.

Coyoacan · 04/04/2023 01:41

He sounds like an addict if he needs to take drugs to get through an upsetting situation, despite your opposition

Jadviga · 04/04/2023 01:42

Sorry but I don't think your relationship has a future.

Even if he did respect your boundaries... What would happen if/when you moved in together ? Do you think he'd give up drugs ? He won't. He can't even refrain from using them around you as it is.

For the sake of decency I'd stick around until after the funeral. Then dump.

But you need to actually leave, not just say you will and then let him reel you back in. If you stay you're showing him your boundaries aren't actual boundaries and he will break them again, no matter what he promises you.

MayThe4th · 04/04/2023 01:55

Clearly you’re not that opposed to drugs if you’ve already let this go twice.

for me any drugs would be an instant dealbreaker, funeral or no funeral. But you’re obviously not that bothered.

Crimsonripple · 04/04/2023 01:59

Regardless of anything, he's a druggy! Leave him and go find someone who respects your wishes. He's not going to change so leave him to his gross habit.

JudgeRudy · 04/04/2023 02:27

You're in a really tricky situation as you're being emotionally manipulated. He's probably not doing it deliberately but now you're stuck really and have to just ride it out till tomorrow.
Realistically life will always throw stress your way and it seems this is his crutch. Only you can decide how much this bothers you....and how much it might bother you when you have a blazing row when LO isn't sleeping and you're both tired and emotional and he rolls a joint/snorts a line (whatever).
Some people are able to accept these 'blips' just as some golerate infidelity, selfishness, debt, lies etc. Some might even say they'd rather that than someone who gets leathered every time he's out with the lads. Only you can decide but idxsuggest unless things are unbearable save acting on your decision till you get back....do tell him though that you're disappointed in his drug taking and will talk properly when you're home.

AliceOlive · 04/04/2023 02:37

EllandRd · 04/04/2023 00:05

Raise your standards OP, he is a drug addict and they will always come before you.

Finally some sense!

makewomenbetter · 04/04/2023 04:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Shoxfordian · 04/04/2023 05:21

He’s not going to change op; maybe you should just date someone who doesn’t take drugs if it’s an issue for you

Youdoyoubabe · 04/04/2023 05:25

Would it depend on the drug? Is it legal or illegal? Prescription or street?

if it is legal in some countries……

InSpainTheRain · 04/04/2023 06:12

I'd go to the funeral but leave afterwards and dump him. You are not compatible and this will always be an issue.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/04/2023 06:17

What boundaries? You don’t have any.

So just suck it up and accept this is your life now.

Or leave.

Otherwise you’re just giving him permission to carry on. No doubt tomorrow he’ll need to use drugs again as he is sad or grieving. And the day after…

Wake up and dump this loser. Nothing ‘unkind’ about that.

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