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Original poster

Broken boundaries... Funeral tomorrow

125 replies

Sainsburysbunny · 03/04/2023 23:05

My bf does drugs which I've always hated. We made an agreement when we started dating that he wouldn't do them when he was with me. I would never ask him or tell him what to do. But we agreed it was a healthy boundary he wouldn't do it around me.

I've traveled to be with him for his cousins funeral tomorrow. And tonight, low and behold, he's asked that I accept he takes some drugs to ease his relief.

This is the third time he has crossed this boundary. I genuinely don't want to be with someone who doesn't respect not to do it, in the very least, around me.

What do I do mumsnetters? Do I attend the funeral tomorrow? I've gone to bed and said nothing as I don't want to cause a drama. But I feel like I'm done.

OP posts:
dittbtdity · 04/04/2023 10:31

He's manipulating you.

Follow your instinct. Get this turkey out of your life.

ImAvingOops · 04/04/2023 10:39

When you let him ignore your boundaries the first time, you effectively gave him permission to keep doing so. This is a mess of your own making.

I'd go to the funeral because he might cause a scene if you leave and there a a family burying a loved one today - I'd do what I could to avoid a potential scene for their sake. But this relationship has no future - you couldn't marry or have children with someone who has such a different outlook on life. You couldn't even live with him, or rely on him because drugs will always come first!

GuevarasBeret · 04/04/2023 10:50

“He’s making me feel guilty for having…boundaries.”

You don’t actually owe him a relationship you know. He’s a loser, and every day you spend with him is a day wasted.

bingbangbongding · 04/04/2023 10:52

I know people don't agree with me but it's just weed and it's not every day/week regularly.

I find it highly hypocritical for people to take this attitude about cannabis and then smoke and drink.

They're all drugs.

I don't take drugs by the way but I honestly think a spliff at a funeral is fine.

maddy68 · 04/04/2023 11:01

I wouldn't stay with someone that continues to over step boundaries. But I definitely wouldn't leave him now while he's grieving
I would be clear with him today That. This is the third time he has crossed your line and it's not something you tolerate. It's his choice to take them but it's yours not to accept this.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 04/04/2023 11:04

bingbangbongding · 04/04/2023 10:52

I know people don't agree with me but it's just weed and it's not every day/week regularly.

I find it highly hypocritical for people to take this attitude about cannabis and then smoke and drink.

They're all drugs.

I don't take drugs by the way but I honestly think a spliff at a funeral is fine.

Can you find me a news story about oeopke being trafficked in order for alcohol or cigarettes to be supplied?

LIZS · 04/04/2023 11:11

Sainsburysbunny · 04/04/2023 08:52

Your all right. I don't know what to do now... Everyone's getting ready and he's downstairs making breakfast. I think I'll leave directly after the funeral. I feel like he's going to be ragey now because he thinks it's all ok..

Just because he thinks it ok does not mean you have to. Set your bar higher.

GreyCarpet · 04/04/2023 12:38

bingbangbongding · 04/04/2023 10:52

I know people don't agree with me but it's just weed and it's not every day/week regularly.

I find it highly hypocritical for people to take this attitude about cannabis and then smoke and drink.

They're all drugs.

I don't take drugs by the way but I honestly think a spliff at a funeral is fine.

You don't have to agree.

That's why we all have our own boundaries and they're not universal.

For example, I might not have an issue with someone occasionally smoking a spliff but that would be irrelevant. The OP does.

mummymeister · 04/04/2023 12:44

it doesnt matter why you have boundaries or what they are really because we all feel differently about different things. what is important is that your partner knows that you have them. but I suppose from his point of view because he has crossed the red line twice already he cant see why crossing a third is any bigger deal and I am tempted to agree with him. this is the problem with drawing lines. you box yourself in a corner and really you have to ask yourself if I dont leave after the third crossing of a red line when will I? when its 6 times, 10 times?, what happens if/when you have children together. do you want them around someone who takes drugs. if the answer is no then move on with your life especially if you are going to want a family at some time in the future.

Mycathatesmecuddling · 04/04/2023 13:27

bingbangbongding · 04/04/2023 10:52

I know people don't agree with me but it's just weed and it's not every day/week regularly.

I find it highly hypocritical for people to take this attitude about cannabis and then smoke and drink.

They're all drugs.

I don't take drugs by the way but I honestly think a spliff at a funeral is fine.

So you are pro slavery then? Interesting stance

iLiveALifeOfSin · 04/04/2023 14:25

Jesus Christ it's a spliff the night before his cousins funeral.

He's not exactly racking up likes on the bonnet of the hearse.

billy1966 · 04/04/2023 14:32

OP, you are with someone who does drugs.

His choice.

Your boundaries are not his concern.

3 times he has used drugs around you.

He does drugs, what do you expect?

He is a drug user.

For as long as you are with him, this will be an issue.

If you want to be with someone who doesn't do drugs, then be with someone who doesn't do drugs at all.

This in between bullshit means nothing and you are only causing yourself stress.

He uses drugs.

You either accept that are break up with him.

bingbangbongding · 04/04/2023 14:39

Me saying I'm not bothered about someone smoking weed means I'm Pro slavery? 😂😂😂

Honestly there's rubbish arguments and rubbish arguments. A little bit of nuance would go well.

Look, fast fashion, coffee, chocolate, tea, hair extensions, cigarettes, rare earth minerals all have the potential to come from unethical sources. Enslaved people are an issue in all of those industries.

I just think it's a bit rich being sniffy about cannabis when there's issues all over the shop.

For the OP my point was less about whether it's ok to do drugs, but more that saying she's comfortable with him doing drugs in certain situations ie when he's out of the house is tacit acceptance of him doing drugs.

bingbangbongding · 04/04/2023 14:40

iLiveALifeOfSin · 04/04/2023 14:25

Jesus Christ it's a spliff the night before his cousins funeral.

He's not exactly racking up likes on the bonnet of the hearse.

Actually LOL'ed.

Mycathatesmecuddling · 04/04/2023 14:48

bingbangbongding · 04/04/2023 14:39

Me saying I'm not bothered about someone smoking weed means I'm Pro slavery? 😂😂😂

Honestly there's rubbish arguments and rubbish arguments. A little bit of nuance would go well.

Look, fast fashion, coffee, chocolate, tea, hair extensions, cigarettes, rare earth minerals all have the potential to come from unethical sources. Enslaved people are an issue in all of those industries.

I just think it's a bit rich being sniffy about cannabis when there's issues all over the shop.

For the OP my point was less about whether it's ok to do drugs, but more that saying she's comfortable with him doing drugs in certain situations ie when he's out of the house is tacit acceptance of him doing drugs.

Yes it does

All of us should be trying to reduce consumption/use of products that use slaves to produce them.

There are things that are unavoidable, like if your workplace offers you technology that you have no control over where the minerals might have been mined from

And then there are things that are avoidable, like not taking drugs when it is well known that they use slaves, and child slaves at that to sustain the production.

You can sneer and call my arguments rubbish and unnuanced if you want. But the absolute truth is every time you make a choice to consume/use a product that you know someone who is a slave has been used to produce you are condoning slavery. If you are comfortable with that then that's your look out. Me I prefer to remove things from my life where possible that I know might have used slave labour to produce. Or buy things second hand like technology if its unavoidable.

Fairislefandango · 04/04/2023 14:51

I really think people on here need to chill out! In OPs case it seems he's crossed a boundary but maybe the boundary was unreasonable.

No such thing as an unreasonable boundary. Nobody owes anyone a relationship. People can make any boundaries they like. If the OP's bf thought the boundary was unreasonable, he shouldn't have agreed to it and should have ended the relationship.

If you want to be with someone who doesn't do drugs, then be with someone who doesn't do drugs at all.

^This. I can understand someone who's anti-drugs accidentally, unknowingly getting into a relationship with a drug-user, but why on earth date someone you know takes drugs if you are really anti-drugs?! You know he never intended to respect that boundary. He always intended to work round it and hope you'd forgive him. If you stay with him after this, you're just confirming that there actually is no boundary.

FartSock5000 · 04/04/2023 15:21

@Sainsburysbunny you sound like a kind hearted person so go to the funeral and hold his hand but then afterwards you can leave and dump him. Only do this because you seem a genuine nice person and it's likely he will make you feel guilty for dumping him before a funeral.

Plenty of grown adults get through life and the pain and hard times without using drugs. Weed may be taken less seriously but it was a hard line for you and he broke that trust.

You owe him nothing now. You were there when he needed you but now it's time for you to take care of yourself and move on. Find a bloke who doesn't need to self medicate with weed to make it through life.

Moser85 · 04/04/2023 17:11

It was a few splifs, as people have been asking. I'm not going to get into a debate about that, please. I have my own views on it from losing a friend to drugs, she started on weed and spiralled very quickly. She was dead six months later. I know this is the extreme example, but it was incredibly difficult and I've always had a firm anti-drugs stance since.

It's not that firm though if you date someone who does them.

Boundaries mean nothing if you stay with someone after they cross them, you've then essentially shown them it's not a firm boundary at all.

Weed wouldn't really bother me. Stronger drugs are a complete dealbreaker for me though.

billy1966 · 04/04/2023 17:19

iLiveALifeOfSin · 04/04/2023 14:25

Jesus Christ it's a spliff the night before his cousins funeral.

He's not exactly racking up likes on the bonnet of the hearse.

🤣

The extent of his drug taking isn't the issue, it's the fact that she has said his not taking them is her issue around her.

But the problem is she has said not around her, and that doesn't work IMO.

Its all or nothing.

Can he take them when he is not with her, but the residual affects can be in him and the smell of course.

A bit like smoking cigarettes.

She needs to decide how important an issue this is for her, because he does like a weed every so often.

Moser85 · 04/04/2023 17:22

No such thing as an unreasonable boundary. Nobody owes anyone a relationship. People can make any boundaries they like. If the OP's bf thought the boundary was unreasonable, he shouldn't have agreed to it and should have ended the relationship.

There's no unreasonable boundaries if you choose to end the relationship because of it but sometimes controlling behaviour can be dressed up as 'boundaries' and that is unreasonable.
There was a poster on here once absolutely freaking out that her partner vaped. Every time she caught him she went mad like he'd done something wrong because he "knew she didn't like it".

It would have been perfectly fine to have vaping as a boundary if she chose not to be in the relationship with him, but to stay and keep bleating on about it and telling him he was doing something wrong was extremely unfair and controlling.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 04/04/2023 17:23

iLiveALifeOfSin · 04/04/2023 14:25

Jesus Christ it's a spliff the night before his cousins funeral.

He's not exactly racking up likes on the bonnet of the hearse.

It doesn't matter. What matters is drugs are a hard boundary for OP. One he knows and has deliberately disrespected. It doesn't matter if you would smoke a spliff or if it wouldn't bother you, it bothers OP. That's all there is to it.

Moser85 · 04/04/2023 17:34

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 04/04/2023 17:23

It doesn't matter. What matters is drugs are a hard boundary for OP. One he knows and has deliberately disrespected. It doesn't matter if you would smoke a spliff or if it wouldn't bother you, it bothers OP. That's all there is to it.

Show quote history

I wouldn't say 'hard boundary' if she got in a relationship with someone who does them and has stayed with him despite her crossing the boundary twice before.

If anything it means she has weak/soft boundaries.

He 'disrespected' her boundaries but she also disrespected her own first, by dating him in the first place.

Moser85 · 04/04/2023 17:38

despite him *crossing the boundary twice before.

Moser85 · 04/04/2023 17:38

fucked up that formatting 😂wish there was an edit button

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