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Original poster

Broken boundaries... Funeral tomorrow

125 replies

Sainsburysbunny · 03/04/2023 23:05

My bf does drugs which I've always hated. We made an agreement when we started dating that he wouldn't do them when he was with me. I would never ask him or tell him what to do. But we agreed it was a healthy boundary he wouldn't do it around me.

I've traveled to be with him for his cousins funeral tomorrow. And tonight, low and behold, he's asked that I accept he takes some drugs to ease his relief.

This is the third time he has crossed this boundary. I genuinely don't want to be with someone who doesn't respect not to do it, in the very least, around me.

What do I do mumsnetters? Do I attend the funeral tomorrow? I've gone to bed and said nothing as I don't want to cause a drama. But I feel like I'm done.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 04/04/2023 06:20

I’d go to the funeral. I wouldn’t want to be accused of upsetting him more before a funeral. But I’d end it. He clearly doesn’t respect your wishes not to do drugs in your presence. If you want a long term future with this guy then you’re incompatible. The times he does drugs around you will increase until it’s just the norm. If you don’t want that, walk away now as it’s almost guaranteed it will happen. Don’t waste anymore time on that

GuevarasBeret · 04/04/2023 06:21

InSpainTheRain · 04/04/2023 06:12

I'd go to the funeral but leave afterwards and dump him. You are not compatible and this will always be an issue.

This would be my response too.

OP, in one post you said “I know he’s grieving” with the implication that drugs is for you a suitable and acceptable way for him to process his grief. I would take the opposite view and say he is a user who will happily use his cousins death as an excuse to do drugs in front of you, with the added bonus that you can’t say anything.

I would leave ASAP after the funeral, preferably without him.

snitzelvoncrumb · 04/04/2023 06:23

Don’t leave now. But I wouldn’t consider this someone you want a long term relationship with.

Coolblur · 04/04/2023 06:24

Take it from someone who knows, a healthy boundary is no drugs. You cannot pretend your relationship is good if he is telling asking you to accept this and refusing to change (he'll have been doing drugs the past few months, but keeping it from you).
My advice is to attend the funeral then end the relationship in the coming days. Don't do it before, during or immediately after the funeral, no need to create drama at such an event. But you need to end it with him, it will only get worse, much worse.

Wallywobbles · 04/04/2023 06:40

He can have your support or the drugs support but not both. He's made his choice. Stay for the funeral but then leave him for good. This one is just going to cause you pain for ever.

Nimbostratus100 · 04/04/2023 06:44

YABU to think a drug user is ever going to respect your "healthy boundary"

myoldmansatrendydustman · 04/04/2023 06:45

FantasticButtocks · 03/04/2023 23:48

Not sure what the point is of having boundaries, if they aren't enforced. Your boundaries that you put in place state what behaviour you won't tolerate; if the other person tramples on those boundaries then surely you don't give them an opportunity to do so again. If that's your bottom line. That is what a boundary is.

Exactly.

The reason so many people have little or no boundaries in their relationships is fear of losing the boundary-busting partner. They’d rather hold onto this person and hope that person will realise what an exception they made on ‘that occasion’ than recognise the fundamental incompatibility in the relationship.

Birdsongsinging · 04/04/2023 06:48

Ofcourseshecan · 04/04/2023 01:09

I agree.

Show quote history

Agree, go to funeral then split up.

Fraaahnces · 04/04/2023 07:02

Would you definitely know if he had taken drugs before seeing you?

dittbtdity · 04/04/2023 07:07

Sainsburysbunny · 03/04/2023 23:17

But do I leave now? Before the funeral...

Yes go home now. He doesn't need you, he's got drugs to lean on and you don't need him, he doesn't respect your boundaries.

TenoringBehind · 04/04/2023 07:15

Funeral then leave him for good.

he won’t change.

NewDogOwner · 04/04/2023 07:46

Sainsburysbunny · 03/04/2023 23:05

My bf does drugs which I've always hated. We made an agreement when we started dating that he wouldn't do them when he was with me. I would never ask him or tell him what to do. But we agreed it was a healthy boundary he wouldn't do it around me.

I've traveled to be with him for his cousins funeral tomorrow. And tonight, low and behold, he's asked that I accept he takes some drugs to ease his relief.

This is the third time he has crossed this boundary. I genuinely don't want to be with someone who doesn't respect not to do it, in the very least, around me.

What do I do mumsnetters? Do I attend the funeral tomorrow? I've gone to bed and said nothing as I don't want to cause a drama. But I feel like I'm done.

For minimal drama: go to the funeral and distance yourself as soon as you get home.

GreyCarpet · 04/04/2023 07:54

*I’d go to the funeral. I wouldn’t want to be accused of upsetting him more before a funeral

So many people going along with this sort of thinking.

He isn't considering her at all. Why should she put herself out and stay in a situation where she's uncomfortable for his benefit? It doesn't need to be drama just, "I'm not going to attend the funeral. I'm going home."

I'm not sure why, yet again, it's the woman's responsibility to put her own feelings aside for the benefit of a dickhead man.

honeypancake · 04/04/2023 07:57

Go to funeral then leave once you are home. He won't change, it is a downward spiral. Why do you want to be with a drug addict? Even if he doesn't do drugs when he is with you, he still takes them and it will weigh on his health and personality and escalate. Leave before it is too late.

DomPom47 · 04/04/2023 08:01

He broke your boundary twice before so not really sure why this third time makes a difference.
I just don’t get drug users or people around them who somehow justify that it is okay. Wish they could all spend a few days with addicts who steal from loved ones or with adults with mental health or learning difficulties whose houses get taken over or young kids who are runners for dealers. How do people not understand that it’s a massive societal issue.
Sorry for your boyfriends loss, personally I’d stay for the service and the event after and once he has come down from whatever he is on tell him whatever you feel. Think about what you will say when he asks about the other occasions where you were okay with your boundary getting crossed.

Wonnle · 04/04/2023 08:06

Honestly you really need to leave and forget all about him .

Crumpetdisappointment · 04/04/2023 08:18

he doesnt need your support for the funeral after all
he is using drugs as his support;
be strong.
leave him

Crumpetdisappointment · 04/04/2023 08:19

Sainsburysbunny · 03/04/2023 23:17

But do I leave now? Before the funeral...

can't you manage to make your own mind up?

MuggleMe · 04/04/2023 08:30

Go to the funeral and break up with him when you get home. Otherwise all the other family members will have their chance to grieve overshadowed by the drama.

Thinkwicebeforeyouleavemylife · 04/04/2023 08:30

EllandRd · 04/04/2023 00:05

Raise your standards OP, he is a drug addict and they will always come before you.

He's hardly a drug addict by the sound of things. He wants a relaxing spliff to take the edge off before a funeral. Is it any different to having a whiskey or brandy or other alcohol to calm your nerves? Alcohol causes a lot more violence and other shit than a bit of weed.

I really think people on here need to chill out! In OPs case it seems he's crossed a boundary but maybe the boundary was unreasonable. The OP knows he takes drugs when he's not with her. Why is mumsnet so anti drugs when you're probably all drinking wine to get through life?

Original poster
Sainsburysbunny · 04/04/2023 08:35

@Crumpetdisappointment it's hard to know what to do when he's making me feel guilty for having these boundaries.
I stayed last night as I missed the last train home. He kept trying to cuddle me and was then moody when I wouldn't. He apologised for making me uncomfortable with the drug taking and I explained my feelings.
This morning I've agreed to go to the funeral and he's asked me to stay later and said that it won't be happening again. I'm going to see how I feel.

It was a few splifs, as people have been asking. I'm not going to get into a debate about that, please. I have my own views on it from losing a friend to drugs, she started on weed and spiralled very quickly. She was dead six months later. I know this is the extreme example, but it was incredibly difficult and I've always had a firm anti-drugs stance since.

OP posts:
tinytemper66 · 04/04/2023 08:38

You have already crumbled to his pleading. If you feel that strongly you would be on your way out of the door.

Boomboom22 · 04/04/2023 08:42

I think you're mad tbf, of course a few spliffs would help with the grief, but if that's your experience and red line then that's your line.

Please don't blame weed for your friend, people take drugs to deal with things and clearly she had issues that meant drugs didn't react well with her. That could've ha09emed with something else eg alcohol. I don't buy the gateway drug stuff.

Shemovesshemoves21 · 04/04/2023 08:43

Sainsburysbunny · 04/04/2023 08:35

@Crumpetdisappointment it's hard to know what to do when he's making me feel guilty for having these boundaries.
I stayed last night as I missed the last train home. He kept trying to cuddle me and was then moody when I wouldn't. He apologised for making me uncomfortable with the drug taking and I explained my feelings.
This morning I've agreed to go to the funeral and he's asked me to stay later and said that it won't be happening again. I'm going to see how I feel.

It was a few splifs, as people have been asking. I'm not going to get into a debate about that, please. I have my own views on it from losing a friend to drugs, she started on weed and spiralled very quickly. She was dead six months later. I know this is the extreme example, but it was incredibly difficult and I've always had a firm anti-drugs stance since.

Ah, he said sorry and promised not to do it again. That's alright then.

NO!! If you're that dead against him doing drugs AND he's crossed your boundary 3 times already, then it's not going to work! To be honest, given the sad loss of your friend, I would say you don't actually have any boundaries in place at all.

The relationship is a lost cause due to incompatibility. Just save yourself the drama and leave him. Find a guy who doesn't do drugs....there's plenty of them out there.

LIZS · 04/04/2023 08:44

Every time he does this he will push your boundary further. Please end it before he wears you down.