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Original poster

Reconciling with ex husband

108 replies

CookieChumbles · 03/04/2023 10:55

Hi -name changed for this.

I have been separated from my exDH for 3 years, after he had a 2nd affair. We were married for 10 years and have 2 kids together. We haven't divorced.

ExDH obviously says he regrets the affairs but it's pretty shit.

Neither of us have had any other serious relationships since we split, both had a couple of casual flings. Neither of us would want to move another adult into a house that the kids live in so it very much limits any future relationship.

ExDH and I still get on really well, see each other every day (mostly for childcare handovers etc, he does all the school runs as his job is more flexible), we've been on holiday together with the kids since we split and it's been very amicable.

I know that he has been open to a reconciliation since the day we parted, recently I went through a really difficult time with my family and he was so supportive and kind and loving, he really went above and beyond what could be expected of an ex husband. Its made me reconsider the relationship. Another factor driving it (sounds shallow) but he's put an offer in on a beautiful family home in a perfect location and put the offer out to me to move back in with him.

In a lot of ways he's the perfect man, pulls his weight round the house, generous, lovely to be around but obviously his history of not being able to keep his pants on is a concern.

I know I'm rambling here, but I'm so torn on what to do. On one hand I love him, we still get on great, I see him all the time anyway. Practically we'd have a much better standard of living if we got back together, me and the kids could move out of the shitty rental in a horrible street. The downside is the infidelity and how it would go down with friends and relatives.

I don't know what the question is, but any experiences or advise would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Hoolihan · 03/04/2023 11:00

I think I would urge huge caution here - this has the potential to be really upsetting and confusing for everyone and especially for the kids. I also think your own self esteem could take a huge battering.

LiliLil · 03/04/2023 11:00

Did he cheat once, or numerous times?

Did he tell you, or did you find out?

Is he remorseful?

MMmomDD · 03/04/2023 11:12

Going on what you are describing - I’d move to the new house with him.
I’d also discuss it all with him and possibly start off as living together but sort of being independent - like you are currently, but with better house in a better location.
I don’t see life as needing exact black and white definitions.

Pragmatically - the house he is buying is a marital asset as you aren’t divorced. So - moving in together isn’t a bad thing if one day you do eventually divorce.

Original poster
CookieChumbles · 03/04/2023 11:15

He cheated twice. Once at the very beginning of the relationship when things were quite casual we drifted apart after then got back together. The 2nd time was after 10 years of marriage. Both times I found out, it wasn't an admission from him.

He was very remorseful on both occasions, but it obviously doesn't undo the fact that it happened. I don't know if he'd do it again, I'd hope not as he'd know that would be the absolute end.

I worry about confusing the kids, they're older (tween/teenage) but then I worry that it's also confusing now because we're not like their friend's parents who have separated. For example if we're going on a day trip and they want their dad to come, that's fine. We do Christmas together.

OP posts:
Clymene · 03/04/2023 11:20

Well he will do it again. Depends if you're okay with that I guess.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 03/04/2023 11:26

He cheated twice...Both times I found out, it wasn't an admission from him.

That you know of.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 03/04/2023 11:28

It sounds like you are back together without the sex. i think the second infidelity is the more serious. What were the reasons for this?

BreviloquentBastard · 03/04/2023 11:29

I personally respect myself too much to even consider going back to a man who'd fucked two other women behind my back then thought he could buy my love back with a pretty house, but you do you.

TempNCforthis · 03/04/2023 11:29

When you say he cheated, was it a one off on each time or were they actual affairs? Did he admit once he was found out or did he lie and gaslight you? Do you feel you have got to the bottom of what happened both times?

PurpleTinsel555 · 03/04/2023 11:33

If you do get back together with him and you raise a lot of really valid points as to why you would want to I think it should be with the expectation that he will cheat again/in an open arrangement. His affairs were an established pattern of behaviour, he didn't come clean about either, from the sounds of it they were for casual sex. This is a coping mechanism he had developed and nurtured, and he doesn't seem inclined to change. That's not to say you shouldn't get back together, but when we choose to reenter relationships, it's best to do it with eyes open.

theWarOnPeace · 03/04/2023 11:33

It’s marital money that he’s buying some kind of chocolate box house with, no? If where you’re living now with the children as their family home is so shit, but he’s financially doing well, then that’s painting him to be less than lovely.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 03/04/2023 11:34

I think I'd be asking myself "How am I going to feel when I find out he's been fucking someone else...again?"

Because he is going to do it, and you're going to be constantly on the alert for it.

Don't you feel more relaxed and peaceful not having to worry about whether he's fucking around behind your back?

I think the potential of this really badly going wrong, particularly for the kids, is very high.

DustyLee123 · 03/04/2023 11:35

So a third would be ‘the absolute end’ but the first and second one wasn’t 🤔

GoodChat · 03/04/2023 11:40

He'll do it again. I guess you have to decide whether that's worth it for the mostly nice marriage.

AllAboutMargot · 03/04/2023 11:40

Honestly, why are you even asking here? You already know what you're going to do, don't you?

Iguanainanigloo · 03/04/2023 11:42

In all honesty op, it sounds like he probably will do it again. Especially once he knows he's given you the dream home, area etc, and you'll have too much to lose by leaving again, uprooting the kids, starting over, and dealing with the "I told you so's" when people find out you've split again. I'm assuming he thinks you'll just turn a blind eye in future to keep the lifestyle going, as you're happy to forgive and forget what he's already done... Why wouldn't he do it again?! Think you need to have a discussion about how things will be... An open relationship where each of you can do as you please with no repercussions? Would potentially work for some, but could also eat away at you if you aren't entirely on board with this, and if this isn't something you want, but he does, then that's one sided, and likely a recipe for disaster. Or to promise to live exclusively, like couples in a traditional marriage? Knowing he has the potential to cheat, and him knowing you have the potential to forget and forgive? Would that not cause huge anxiety and trust issues? I guess you need to decide what you're comfortable with... forgetting the past, and happy to turn your blind eye to what will probably happen in the future. I know friends with husbands who cheat, and they appear "happy". They ignore the infidelity as the lifestyle, house, and social status of appearing to be in commited marriages, is more important to them than facing the reality. I wonder how it must make them feel deep down though? They do appear genuinely happy, who knows.

B0g · 03/04/2023 11:44

If you want to live in a fancy building in exchange for a lonely life and monthly sexually transmitted disease tests, great, I suppose. You know for a fact that this man cannot be trusted, so you’d be knowingly entering an open relationship, and putting your kids through more disruption and confusion.

altmember · 03/04/2023 11:45

As long as you're fine with him cheating on you and seeing other people behind your back again, then you should be ok. Otherwise, don't even consider it, because he will do it again.

Neither of us would want to move another adult into a house that the kids live in so it very much limits any future relationship.

You've just reduced your dating pool to one single person, so it's no wonder you're considering reconciling with him! He's literally the last man on earth by you rationale. I suspect he's been very keen on the above suggestion, it's a form of coercive control from 'beyond the grave'.

There are other men out there, better men. Broaden your horizons and forget this actual CF.

lucya66 · 03/04/2023 11:47

people can make mistakes twice and never make them again. Who is he now?

I would start off with a back together relationship / dates/ romance first, to see how you feel, before moving in together or buying a new house as that feels like a big step.

KettrickenSmiled · 03/04/2023 11:51

theWarOnPeace · 03/04/2023 11:33

It’s marital money that he’s buying some kind of chocolate box house with, no? If where you’re living now with the children as their family home is so shit, but he’s financially doing well, then that’s painting him to be less than lovely.

This, OP.

How has it come about that you are still married, i.e. share all assets, but he's got enough wonga to buy a great family house, while you & HIS KIDS are stuck in a shitty rental?

Why have you not divorced in all this time?
Is it because he doesn't want to split the assets?

How much do you know about the true financial situation?
Have you consulted a lawyer, had a breakdown of the marital portfolio, & an estimate of what your share of it would be upon divorce?

Maybe you could afford to buy your own house, & not be subject to being bribed with your own money to stay married with a house he has "bought for the family". Look into this, hard, with a practical head on, before agreeing to anything he suggests. You already know he's a liar - don't trust him.

theWarOnPeace · 03/04/2023 11:52

lucya66 · 03/04/2023 11:47

people can make mistakes twice and never make them again. Who is he now?

I would start off with a back together relationship / dates/ romance first, to see how you feel, before moving in together or buying a new house as that feels like a big step.

Exactly this. You’re not even giving yourself a chance to be your own person without him - forget even a new relationship.

I wouldn’t move someone into the home my kids live in, but that’s ok cos I wouldn’t start dating someone who didn’t have their own place and/or wasn’t able to understand why they won’t be moving in with me. That’s all a moot point, though, when you’re still not over your ex and have zero boundaries in place that would help you to get closure.

The seeing him every day and being in each other’s pockets must suit him just fine. I bet he has no qualms chasing after women, he just won’t move them into his beautiful new house. And why would he?

I'm feeling less like he’s a wonderful person who happens to cheat, and more like he’s done you up like a bloody kipper.

theWarOnPeace · 03/04/2023 11:53

Argh! Quoted the wrong thing 🤦‍♀️

KettrickenSmiled · 03/04/2023 11:53

In all honesty op, it sounds like he probably will do it again. Especially once he knows he's given you the dream home, area etc,

Agreed, although I take exception to the notion he's giving OP anything.
The fucking arrogance of the man, unilaterally bidding on a house with MARITAL money, & presenting it as a fait accompli gift to OP & his kids!

Thelittlekingdom · 03/04/2023 11:54

Big question is do you want to be in a relationship with him again? I’m not sure I’d be comfortable living with a cheat. Or would you just all live together?

neilyoungismyhero · 03/04/2023 11:54

In some ways you have a good thing going now, in relationship terms at least.
You are getting the best of him - he's been loving and supportive, he helps with the children, he comes on days out with you all, you get on great and obviously like each other- why spoil it? I get the lovely new house and location part, that's got to be tempting for anyone but if it goes tits up it's the children who will be affected most and that's not fair.

If he was that lovely, as a PP said he would have got you and his children out of the nasty place/area you now live in a while ago..maybe this new house is just that....only time will tell. Difficult decision for you. Really not sure what I would do either.

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