Reconciling with ex husband

[CookieChumbles]

Hi -name changed for this.

I have been separated from my exDH for 3 years, after he had a 2nd affair. We were married for 10 years and have 2 kids together. We haven't divorced.

ExDH obviously says he regrets the affairs but it's pretty shit.

Neither of us have had any other serious relationships since we split, both had a couple of casual flings. Neither of us would want to move another adult into a house that the kids live in so it very much limits any future relationship.

ExDH and I still get on really well, see each other every day (mostly for childcare handovers etc, he does all the school runs as his job is more flexible), we've been on holiday together with the kids since we split and it's been very amicable.

I know that he has been open to a reconciliation since the day we parted, recently I went through a really difficult time with my family and he was so supportive and kind and loving, he really went above and beyond what could be expected of an ex husband. Its made me reconsider the relationship. Another factor driving it (sounds shallow) but he's put an offer in on a beautiful family home in a perfect location and put the offer out to me to move back in with him.

In a lot of ways he's the perfect man, pulls his weight round the house, generous, lovely to be around but obviously his history of not being able to keep his pants on is a concern.

I know I'm rambling here, but I'm so torn on what to do. On one hand I love him, we still get on great, I see him all the time anyway. Practically we'd have a much better standard of living if we got back together, me and the kids could move out of the shitty rental in a horrible street. The downside is the infidelity and how it would go down with friends and relatives.

I don't know what the question is, but any experiences or advise would be appreciated.

You know what the mumsnet consensus is on this, but in the real world there are many couples who do make it work despite more than one past affair. You know what you're getting into and you're am adult. You might find this article on Trying again with a partner who has behaved poorly in the past doesn't make you a sucker relevant, plus various other things from that counsellor's infidelity archives. She advises that many couples amongst her clients have recovered well from infidelity. However there is currently such social pressure for zero tolerance of infidelity that some women feel shamed for making their own choice to return to a partner who has cheated.

I think my ExH cheated on me, but I was never certain until the end whether he was seeing anyone else while still sleeping with me. He had multiple emotional affairs. Frankly it would have been almost irrelevant compared to our emotional incompatibility. If we'd been fortunate enough to have had a good relationship otherwise then I know I would not have ended it over that. But I wouldn't have told many people about it.

Thinking of you OP.

There are certainly couples who stay together after an affair - but making it work is something else entirely.

Research shows that marriages where it’s the woman cheats are far less likely to survive. I think women’s low expectations or men, capitulation and lack of financial independence are factors.

@CookieChumbles there has to have been a moment or catalyst for change on his part that made him reflect on what he did, why and how he can't face the same temptations again in the future and not react in the same way by sticking his penis into another woman.

You are lonely and want to believe the man he is presenting as now is a whole new person whom you can trust and be with again but if he hasn't made steps to better himself and really deal with the issues and impulses he had before (twice) then he will cheat again because he can.

Why not hold off on being a couple until he completes some personal therapy and then look at moving back in?

If you jump in now, the odds are that down the line this will happen again and your poor children will be left so hurt and confused.

You can also choose not to be with him as his wife. You can still love him and co parent as best friends but you'll need to cut the chord and really move on and out.

You have already done a radical step of moving out. He’s seen that you are capable of moving on.

Let me tell u my DH knows fully that he’s blown it beyond acceptable. And that something like that nearly left him bereft of family forever. It’s all fantasy stuff this having yr cake and eating it and once that fantasy bursts (for some it never does) then they can see the shallowness and they relish the chance at family and embrace it in a fully grown up way. It’s up to you to decide whether he truly gets the damage that was done.

You can stay together and be resentful or you can be apart and be resentful. Or you can choose peace, prosperity, love and friendship.

I'd take a number of steps and consider a number of things before moving right back into his house:

1. Assess what your settlement would be if you divorce and get 50 percent of everything as you are entitled to - that includes of housing, savings, pensions, cars less debt. Whilst getting back together might seem to make financial sense you have yet to get your fair share of assets to compare it with. And relationships based on money have other pressures - in terms of autonomy and leverage that can make you a lesser partner.

If you go back does that mean he has free rein to do as he pleases?

2. Go for counselling with your ex to discuss what being back together again means and the commitment he now wants to make to you and your DC re loyalty, honesty, openness and trustworthiness and what will change to ensure a future together is better than what came before. Explore why he was unfaithful before and why it won't happen again. What has changed and what is he committing to? It doesn't sound like you've had this conversation. And be aware that he might not like being pressed on this - that will tell you something. You have a right to know.

This is essential since the impact on your DC who have already been through one separation will be serious if you get back together for them only to go through that all over again or just as bad be stuck in an unhappy marriage. Make sure he gives full attention to the impact of his actions on you and the children.

3. Consider the alternatives to getting back together. Think of all the things you could do as an independent woman - new interests, hobbies, friendships and what you might be missing if you go back to him.

Many divorced people manage to have happy and committed relationships without living together but seeing each other on a regular basis, holidaying together etc. it's not black and white and given the interests of your DC is the most important factor in all of this it often makes most sense.

Weigh it all up carefully, you deserve better OP so set out to get it in whichever path you go down. We have one life and a house isn't it.

Forget about what your friends and family say. Could you bear it if he strayed again ? Could you move in without it reverting to a "full" marriage ? Would you want it to be ?
The two of you have been so successful at managing your relationship as a separated couple I would urge you not to rush in to making a decision for the sake of a postcode.

ZOMBIE THREAD

@KettrickenSmiled The first thing I thought was, if he can afford to buy a big house in a nice area if the OP gets back with him, he's obviously not short of money so why's he letting his kids live in a crap rented house in a not-nice area? I'd have thought he'd at least want to provide his kids with as decent a home he could afford if he loved them, regardless of whether the OP took him back or not! Smells a bit like manipulation to me and I agree she needs to see a solicitor about marital assets and funds!
OP I can see the draw of what your X is offering , but tread very carefully because you could end up trapped with a man who will never be loyal to you. In fact, I think it's inevitable if you accept his offer. You need to get legal advice anyway, and see can you get him to pay for somewhere better for you and your kids to live without you putting yourself at risk of being betrayed , broken-hearted and having to divorce and rebuild your lives again a few years from now!