Reconciling with ex husband

[CookieChumbles]

Hi -name changed for this.

I have been separated from my exDH for 3 years, after he had a 2nd affair. We were married for 10 years and have 2 kids together. We haven't divorced.

ExDH obviously says he regrets the affairs but it's pretty shit.

Neither of us have had any other serious relationships since we split, both had a couple of casual flings. Neither of us would want to move another adult into a house that the kids live in so it very much limits any future relationship.

ExDH and I still get on really well, see each other every day (mostly for childcare handovers etc, he does all the school runs as his job is more flexible), we've been on holiday together with the kids since we split and it's been very amicable.

I know that he has been open to a reconciliation since the day we parted, recently I went through a really difficult time with my family and he was so supportive and kind and loving, he really went above and beyond what could be expected of an ex husband. Its made me reconsider the relationship. Another factor driving it (sounds shallow) but he's put an offer in on a beautiful family home in a perfect location and put the offer out to me to move back in with him.

In a lot of ways he's the perfect man, pulls his weight round the house, generous, lovely to be around but obviously his history of not being able to keep his pants on is a concern.

I know I'm rambling here, but I'm so torn on what to do. On one hand I love him, we still get on great, I see him all the time anyway. Practically we'd have a much better standard of living if we got back together, me and the kids could move out of the shitty rental in a horrible street. The downside is the infidelity and how it would go down with friends and relatives.

I don't know what the question is, but any experiences or advise would be appreciated.

That’s a good point actually, him robbing you of marital assets to try and lure you in to a shiny new house, while he continues shagging about. You know what you’d be walking in to.

OP if you're both happily having sex with other people but spending lots of time together would an open marriage be an answer?

In some ways you have a good thing going now, in relationship terms at least.
You are getting the best of him - he's been loving and supportive, he helps with the children, he comes on days out with you all, you get on great and obviously like each other- why spoil it?

Er- no.
OP's husband has a good thing going now.
His wife & kids are safely housed in a shitty rental, he gets to swoop in & play daddy & no doubt have OP facilitate his Disney Dadding. Meanwhile, he feels free to flash MARITAL money about on a fancy new family home, without consulting OP ... almost as if he believes all the money is his to do exactly as he chooses with.

This is him having it both ways.
No doubt he's out chasing women when he's not playing at happy families.
No doubt he is using the marriage to protect himself from having to split the assets/capital fairly.
No doubt whatsoever that once he has OP back where he wants her, he'll be out chasing extra-marital sex again.

It's alarming that OP seems to think he is buying this family home "for her" instead of being fucking gobsmacked that he feels entitled to unilaterally make such a giant & life-changing purchase, with THEIR money, without reference to her.
And until she agrees to continue protecting his finances resurrect the marriage, he's happy for OP & her kids to live in the shitty rental.
What a hero.

Didn't realise I'd posted on AIBU.... Fucking hell ha!

I'll try to answer all the questions.

In answer to the money, he's offered previously to buy a house for me and the kids. He has a lot of family wealth that unfortunately I do not. At the times that this offer has been made I didn't want to be beholden to him so I politely declined.

At the time we split, I'd gone back to uni. It was a joint decision for me to go. So when we split it was quite difficult financially for me, despite significant child support he pays. We'd previously both been high earners and took a hit when I went to uni then having 2 households to run and a lot less income than I was used to was a bit shit (although clearly not as bad a situation as some people are in). The house me and the kids are in now was lovely when we moved in but now needs a new roof and the street has really gone downhill. Its a tough rental market here and I've not found anything suitable in over a year of looking. So yes, wanting the kids to live somewhere nice does have a bearing upon it.

I don't think it's that weird to not want another adult living in my kids house, it's their house too and it would be uncomfortable for both of them. If that means I don't have a serious relationship for the next 10 years then so be it.

He was honest about the cheating when I found out or he was as honest as I would expect. I didn't ask for details. First one was a one night stand and 2nd time was a proper affair for a couple of months. I don't know why he did it, I think probably because he could. Nothing deeper than that. To my knowledge he never saw her again after I found out.

I wouldn't say we're back together except for the sex, we have the odd day out with the kids and I see him every morning when I drop them off for school and and again in the afternoon when I pick them up (we live rurally a good distance from schools). I've seen him more recently with what's gone on within my family. I do generally go to his family get togethers, I get on really well with his mum, especially since I don't have my own mum. Possibly clouding my judgement?

Can I live with him cheating again? I don't know.

Interesting to get all of the feedback and opinions on here, I always, always thought I'd never be with a cheater but life isn't quite as perfect as I imagined to be honest.

Interesting point on the marital asset, I hadn't considered that. I know that any financial settlement would be complex and it's part of the reason we've put off the divorce.

Interesting point on the marital asset, I hadn't considered that. I know that any financial settlement would be complex and it's part of the reason we've put off the divorce.

Have "we" really put it off, or is that driven by him?

Say you managed the complexities, divorced properly, & you were able to buy your own decent house for you & the DC.
Would you then want to start a relationship with him, from that position?

I can't help but feel cynical at how you are being bribed with your own money.

If you are married to him then whatever money and assets he has are also yours, that's how marriage works whether he likes it or not.
You sound like you doing believe that and that what he has is just his?
Don't sell yourself short here and don't feel guilty about his "family money" of whatever it is, if he didn't want to share with you he shouldn't have married you and had kids with you.
If you are not married and I have read the posts wrongly I apologise

I am positive having spoken to a number of women IRL that some tolerate infidelity or other issues for a variety of often valid reasons. A very happy marriage with no issues isn't exactly happening for most of us.
Real life isn't always a black & white "LTB" like MN either.

Tbh, if him cheating twice wasn't a deal breaker for you then you prioritise other things. Third, fourth or tenth time aren't necessarily likely to be deal breakers either. I wouldn't judge you. I think people choose how they want to live their lives and that's their prerogative and to be respected.

However, if his behaviour, be it cheating or anything else, is making you truly unhappy, has a deep, negative impact on you and you cannot tolerate it then don't get back together.

Tbh, it's often the case it's better to stay together for the time being for a variety of reasons and see what happens, you may actually come across someone else with whom you'd be happier at some point, but until then you may just be content. Then perhaps this would be a deal breaker and on balance it would be the best decision for you and the children to divorce. It's not like he has shown huge respect or loyalty towards you, why should you be fully committed to him for the rest of your life? I'm not suggesting an open marriage btw, but rather an open frame of mind. Use time wisely, invest in yourself, build yourself and your self esteem back up. Do it for you. Keep an open mind about who you actually may end up being with long term, if you're unhappy you really don't have to be with him. You can choose to be happy alone or with someone else at the right time for you. It doesn't sound like this is you really want or are ready for a divorce right now.

Wishing you the best 🌺 xx

Sorry for the typos too!

Probably should have mentioned, I do have my 50% from when we sold the marital home, I'm just early into a new career and won't have the earnings to buy in the location I'd like for another 3-4 years. I would get some money in a financial settlement, I was originally hanging on until I'd finished uni to start proceedings then a lot of things happened that aren't relevant to this topic and I've not had the headspace to look into it any further.

@CookieChumbles He's cheated twice. If he was actually sorry the first time, he wouldn't have done it a second. He absolutely will do it again if he finds an appropriate affair partner.

In my opinion you need to either move on from him, or you decide to accept the infidelity and reconcile expecting him to be having sex with other people, either as an acknowledged open marriage or you turning a blind eye. He's fooled you twice, you'll get no sympathy when he does it a third time.

It does read like the main driver for you to get back with him is money and lifestyle. It reads like can I put up with it to get a nice house.

it’s up to uou really. No one should judge you if you’re in it for the money.

Sounds also like you have had a lot on for some time and aren't in the right headspace to start divorce proceedings now. This is also understandable. You really don't have to do it just because some people would. Others would not, or not right now - and that's ok, too, as long as you're fine with it yourself. xx

If you get back together with him you're sending the message that he can cheat and you'll always forgive him in the end. He won't believe any warnings that 'do it again and I'll leave for good' because your track record so far will have been to forgive him. He will expect that always to be the case.

The house he's buying is a marital asset. I suspect he's put off divorcing because he knows he'd have to share everything with you (and wouldn't be able to afford that wonderful house perhaps?).

You aren't stopped from having another relationship just because your DC are young. You don't have to move every bf in. I started a serious new r'ship while DCs were young. We both didn't want to merge young families so didn't do so til DCs were young adults. It isn't all or nothing.

I wouldn't go back to a man who has cheated (at least) twice and would still be cheating if I hadn't found him out.

He was very remorseful on both occasions, but it obviously doesn't undo the fact that it happened. I don't know if he'd do it again, I'd hope not as he'd know that would be the absolute end.

Of course he's going to do it again and he was only sorry he got caught. 🤨

I was going to say that if you're fine with the fact that he will cheat again and willing to turn a blind eye for the sake of living in a nice house then fine (but the kids will probablyfind out eventually and this sets a terrible example for them). But given that you would end it again once he cheats then don't do this and put your children through it again. That would be utterly stupid and selfish.

I don't think I'd have been able to move past him cheating once but he's done it twice (that you know of). I can't believe you're even considering this.

Are you willing to be cheated on in exchange for a nice house and regular sex? Because that's what you're considering here. He's almost certainly had more than two affairs and he'll have more in the future.

Depends what you value most and want to show your kids. I’d rather live in a shitty rental than in a big house with a man who cheats on me. But everyone has different standards. One mistake I’d be more inclined to say you could get through it but two is a pattern and getting back together with him might suggest to him that he can do what he wants as long as he provides a nice house. Is an open marriage something you’d consider? Gives you the lifestyle without the feelings of betrayal when he breaks a monogamous arrangement.

I don’t think anyone has said it’s weird not to move in a new partner, just that it’s not a reason to stay in this weird current dynamic. I said I wouldn’t move in a new partner either, doesn’t mean no dating or meeting or sex or whatever.

You got 50% out of the main home but you’re the one having to house the kids???

His money, inheritance or otherwise, IS your money. The fact that you are struggling to rent and he is able to buy in a nice area means that he is financially better off than you while you are still married and to me that is unacceptable. I think you’re being hoodwinked into thinking he’s got your best interests at heart when the reality is he wants to have his cake and eat it

Do you consider the first time to be cheating, or more a “the relationship wasn’t that serious at that point”?

I slept with someone else once, when I had been with my boyfriend (now DH) for several months. I was drunk, I owned up the next day, we broke up for a while then eventually got back together.

So the second occasion seems much more meaningful to me, as you were fully established then and it went on a couple of months.

I don’t think he would necessarily do it again. I do think you should have couples counselling before making a decision.

Yeah the house is tempting, but it's also the thought of just having a nice life with someone I get on with really well.

I think a lot of you are right, he might well cheat again, there was nothing wrong in our marriage at the time he cheated. We always had a great time together, made time for each other and were really happy. So nothing 'wrong' to fix. He obviously likes doing it. I hope he wouldn't but there's no guarantees at all.

I don't mind being single at all, it's fine. I have my friends and my hobbies and I get by ok. I will eventually get out of this rubbish house either way.

A lot to think about.

His being great because your doing what he wants you to do (not push the divorce through).

Your freedom is worth more because he will cheat again. Divorce and get your money so you don’t have to rent in a shitty street.

Bet you anything when the youngest is 18 he will happily divorce then…because he knows you won’t be able to get as much then.

His taking you for a mug….still.

With the children under 18 you would get a bit more than just 50%.
Why haven’t you divorced yet? What would he say if you wanted to? Would he still be a great guy then?
You was married, half of all his is yours too and half of yours is his. His robbing you blind after being the one who ruined it all. He really has you fooled, I think you should look into this all a little more, just to be sure.

How can he afford a new house whilst you are renting? You are married, don’t you think this rings alarm bells a little?

I don't have to house the kids, they just live here most of the time and come and go to their Dads as they please. They're old enough to make their own decisions on where to stay. He does pay a generous amount of maintenance, far in excess of what CSA would have him pay if I had the kids 100% of the time.

If I'd been working at the time we parted I'd have bought another house, I was at uni so lenders aren't falling over themselves to hand out mortgages to students. I've only been working again for 9 months so whilst I could buy something it'd be similar to where I'm at now. I could have stayed in the marital home but I didn't want to.

As for inheritance, his inheritance all came to him before we were married and isn't a marital asset for that reason - if the solicitor I spoke to previously was wrong on this point I'm happy to be corrected.

Affordability on the new house, I don't think a divorce would have any bearing on it for him.

What has he done to address his behaviour? What was the reason he cheated and how has he ensured he would be unlikely to do it again?

I mean, this might sound a little weird, but do you absolutely need monogamy from him? What he did wasn't acceptable, but you seem at peace with it enough to consider moving back in, so I'm just wondering if you sort of mentally went in with the attitude that you are not going set yourself up for failure by expecting him to remain faithful when he's proven he can't, would that work? It's 2023, if something a little different from the normal works for you, then worth considering maybe? would just need talking through with him as to what the rules are.
Ofc, ignore this if that's absolutely not what you want!

Also mentioned earlier why we haven't divorced earlier. I had intended to do it once I finished uni, but then to get into the nitty gritty one of my parents died and the other became permanently disabled so its really been low priority for me.

Rental situation explained in the post above, it was my choice to rent. I wanted my independence when we split and that was what I chose to do. I didn't know the area would suddenly have a ton of compulsory purchase and the remaining streets would become incredibly rough or that the house would need a new roof and the landlord would be rubbish.