Reconciling with ex husband

[CookieChumbles]

Hi -name changed for this.

I have been separated from my exDH for 3 years, after he had a 2nd affair. We were married for 10 years and have 2 kids together. We haven't divorced.

ExDH obviously says he regrets the affairs but it's pretty shit.

Neither of us have had any other serious relationships since we split, both had a couple of casual flings. Neither of us would want to move another adult into a house that the kids live in so it very much limits any future relationship.

ExDH and I still get on really well, see each other every day (mostly for childcare handovers etc, he does all the school runs as his job is more flexible), we've been on holiday together with the kids since we split and it's been very amicable.

I know that he has been open to a reconciliation since the day we parted, recently I went through a really difficult time with my family and he was so supportive and kind and loving, he really went above and beyond what could be expected of an ex husband. Its made me reconsider the relationship. Another factor driving it (sounds shallow) but he's put an offer in on a beautiful family home in a perfect location and put the offer out to me to move back in with him.

In a lot of ways he's the perfect man, pulls his weight round the house, generous, lovely to be around but obviously his history of not being able to keep his pants on is a concern.

I know I'm rambling here, but I'm so torn on what to do. On one hand I love him, we still get on great, I see him all the time anyway. Practically we'd have a much better standard of living if we got back together, me and the kids could move out of the shitty rental in a horrible street. The downside is the infidelity and how it would go down with friends and relatives.

I don't know what the question is, but any experiences or advise would be appreciated.

Speak to a different solicitor, of course it counts as both of yours. Prenups are not done in the U.K.

i don’t think you should get back with ex’s, I always think an ex is an ex for a reason… and I would say especially if you split because of cheating.

I actually don't know how bothered I am about the cheating. I worked almost exclusively with men for 15 years and they were all at it. Maybe I'm cynical.

I was bothered at the time but maybe I'm more bothered about having a nice life now especially with everything that has happened in the intervening time. I just think do I want to struggle or do I want to have a nice time and forget about it.

Would it be at the cost of your freedom though? Would you also be able to sleep with other men if you wanted to? Like an open marriage, otherwise he could find someone “better/younger” and then leave you for dust, you have no reassurance he would stay with you if something “better” came along.

I can see this working out terribly for you if I’m honest. It won’t be worth it.

Is the new house big enough to have separate bedrooms? So you can live there as friends/housemates and raise the kids together, but not be in a relationship.

If you do move in with him, could you be certain he wouldn't meet someone else and kick you out?

I mean, if it's just sex with other people maybe you could get past it if it's not top of your priority list, and if you do live there you'd have more of a claim to it if the relationship did end, purely from a security perspective.

A few thing stand out-

He's a repeat offender

You have no idea why he did it (if there was a lot of strees/problems in the marraige it may explan it albeit not excuse it)

You seem to be giving him a lot of credit for teling the truth (he didn't, you found out & he didn't deny it - that's far different to telling the truth)

Will he do couples counselling?

Has he shown any real remorse or kept acting like nothing has changed?

Will you ever be able to trust him again?

How will you feel if/when it happens a third time?

What if he actually leaves you for the next woman?

What would you hope for any of your kids if they found themselves in as similar relationship in future? Do you have girls? Do you want them to tolerate men who treat them badly?

How can you really know that this isn't just an attempt to stop the clock on divorce/separation as he doesn't want to lose assets?

It's up to you but I would want to be very comfortable with the above before even considering it.

I would be inclined take the deal as long as sex wasn’t included. Separate rooms, independent lives. So next time he cheats it’s not on you.

Would he be buying this house outright? So you could save up loads that you're not spending on rent?

@CookieChumbles I think if you get back with him you need to be prepared to turn a blind eye to his affairs. He’s shown you twice he’s a cheater and I would put money on there being more times you don’t know about. If you are going back to him expecting him to be fully committed to you then I think you are setting yourself up for a failure.

I'm currently reconciling with my husband after his affair last year, so obviously infidelity wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker for me in this situation.

HOWEVER, it isn't clear that anything has really changed and therefore he is likely to do it again. Did either of you have any counselling, together or alone? How much work has he done individually to address the underlying weaknesses in his character that allowed him to cheat? I wouldn't be reconciling unless this work has been done.

If I were you, I would really want to explore the meaning of the affair before I agreed to anything. I found the website surviving infidelity to be an excellent source of support. We also read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass together and it helped us to unpick a lot of stuff.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

I think the mantra of once a cheater always a cheater is a very simplistic one. Though it happens to be quite true at times, it is also possible to learn and grow from it.

Realistically he’s only really cheated once in your marriage and the other was when you were having time apart.

Going into this, I can see great benefits for you and the children. In fact I wouldn’t even think about him cheating. There is a lot for you to gain from maintaining this relationship for the next 6 to 8 years. First of all the children would’ve had both parents and would not have had to put up with stepparents, maltreatment or sexual abuse that quite often happens in these situations. That’s a huge bonus. You are protecting them firstly and for mostly and that is your primary role as a parent. And of course your pension fund is growing by the minute as long as you’re with him, the better of you will be period. I’m guessing he’s probably about 40, perhaps 50. Therefore he is very likely to get some inheritance into the family pot. I can really see this will be the time you really should be with him.

So if you get along, do it. I’m going to be honest you can always have your back up plan to get out of it if it all goes pear-shaped , but you will be that much wealthier and you don’t have to be heartbroken all over again, I think you would’ve learnt from your first experience. it’s much easier to be heartbroken and wealthy, so in fact you’re making an investment with a cunning plan, so you don’t really have to feel like a victim at all, it works for you, in many ways. and there is something to be said about not having your ego dictate to you what you should do. You can outsmart him and 90% of the ‘betrayed’. One is only a victim if they feel like one.

He actually has a lot more to lose than you do. Whilst you are at it keep an eye on all the bank accounts, all the assets, make sure that you’re well protected and then just literally go for it if need be. You can educate yourself really well in the separation/divorce section of this website. It’s excellent.

He knows he’s a bit of a liability and he’s actually willing to risk all to have his family back again. 10 years pension can make a huge difference to your retirement. and there is a lot to be said for having a beautiful home, lots of room, and to be quite honest the choice out there is appalling, anybody you meet would be recycled and up cycled so better with the Devil you know.

I know I will probably get eaten alive for these comments, but cheating at 10 years of marriage is an absolute standard. Those they haven’t been cheated on her probably never found out. I know that sounds totally terrible, but it’s possibly quite true. Sometimes choosing each other all over again can actually spice up your relationship.

And it could’ve been a positive in all its absolute dreary drabness.

There’s no judgement here OP.

I think a lot of women hear “cheating” and it’s a dealbreaker, but it doesn’t seem so for you.

If having a comfortable lifestyle for you and your children, and someone you know would be there for you in times of crisis comes above fidelity on your list then that’s ok - nobody has the right to judge you.

Be really, really honest with yourself about what matters most in life to you and go from there. There is no guarantee that he won’t cheat again, but again nobody can say with 100% certainty that he would. You know him best.

This with bells on. And obviously he'd do it again.

Depends how low your bar is I suppose.

I know I will probably get eaten alive for these comments

I hope not @Sittwritt because your post was measured, intelligent, & quite probably in OP's best interests - both financially & emotionally.

The scenario you laid out would protect her finances, give her an option to increase her (shared) wealth, & negotiate for e.g. increased pension payments. At the same time, she can keep a weather eye out for her emotional wellbeing, with a calculated option to ditch at a later stage if she so chooses, having built up larger marital assets to split.

All this while living comfortably in an at least amiable marriage, a decent home, & 2 ostensibly happy parents for the kids.

Guys there is nothing low about OP…

The guys actions are his own problem…

Look for your own benefit in all of this OP, seriously you could be deliriously happy enjoying a nice break in the Maldives and remember my wise words when you do.

I truly pray things work out for you, but this is not about whether he will cheat or not cheat - this is not just about him. It’s really about what you want out of life.

Be super smart, super savvy, marriage and children are a gift. He has an awful lot to lose, believe me a lot more than you do. say he was to meet somebody else and start a family that’s brilliant that’s sharing all your kids assets with some lunatic.

I am not suggesting you should put up with abuse, but he does not sound like a classic abuser, he probably went through a midlife crisis and a dip at 10 years of marriage, classic scenario, happens day in day out. If he’s got half a brain he would’ve realised how absolutely shallow it all was that it’s led to nowhere.

Or perhaps how strategic you are willing to be, for the sake of enhanced prospects & a better home for your DC.

Either way OP - I urge you to get disclosure on the state of the marital assets.
Apologies if this is blunt or I have misread you, but you seem a little too accepting of DH's narrative about you having already received "50%", as you clearly have not - you are in the shitty rental, while he gets to splash cash at a decent family home.

If you accept his offer, make sure that increasing your personal pension pot is going to be part of that deal. You need to future-proof your ability to be able to decide to leave, comfortably, if he cheats again & you feel you can't stomach it. Or any other reason to leave!

@KettrickenSmiled is spot on.

you need to be fully in the know, all the money needs to come into a joint account, you need to be on your own terms, that is a complete transparency.

That way, you will actually get the best of both worlds. Do not go back into it without getting this cleared up. That way do you know any time you’re folding his pants and doing the ironing you’re actually getting compensated for your efforts and time.

I would say ‘I would be really willing to move back in with you, but everything financial has to be absolutely transparent I can feel secure in your commitment to me.’

I wonder what he'd say if you'd proposed an open marriage, given that he's cheated twice before and you don't trust him not to do it again.. so you're managing expectations.

One thing you said resonated with a betrayed wife. Her husband cheated when things were good. They were young, no financial problems, no health issues...very happy. Her husband tried convincing her their marriage was so good and good could she end it.

Do you honestly think he'd want to reconcile with your, if you cheated like he has?

She told him, that's exactly why she was divorcing him...because if he could cheat when all was well... the sex was regular.. no problems... then she couldn't count on him not cheating down the line when things got tough.

OP - @Sittwritt and @KettrickenSmiled make some very valid points about assets. You'd be well advised to consult with an experienced family solicitor about the likely division of assets, including his inheritance and pension. Right now you have clearly received less than you would be due in a divorce settlement. You need an in depth evaluation before you make any decisions about moving back with him.

However, it appears to me that your heart is not truly invested in your relationship with your (still) husband. Personally I would not move back in unless I truly wanted to be his wife again, and only if I was totally convinced that he'd be equally invested in the marriage.

Otherwise....... you are still fairly young. Your children will fly the coop in just a few years. You are embarking on a new career. You would get a considerable divorce settlement that would ensure your financial independence.

You have choices. What do you truly want?

@Sittwritt I think the way you're thinking is more the way I was thinking but not able to articulate particularly well.

Been there done that OP, hence my cooly calculated, yet content ways. I like @FlowerArranger articulation of exactly how much you would be owed with a solicitor. You don’t need to scare your husband with it, but be fully informed and keep track. She is right that half yr home is seriously not all you are owed. Good luck. Our relationship worked itself out. The kids are so happy and I truly wish the same for you. Xx

If this were your daughter telling the tale and asking for advice, what would you tell her?

I often find just that one step back can help get your thoughts in order

Aw OP I really feel for you here.
Like you said life isn't as simple as walking away because he cheated.
If you love him and WANT to spend your life with him then that's your choice.
I'd be asking myself. Do I trust him.
If you feel you can and he's 100% sure he wouldn't stray then I'd go for it.
Maybe start dating first. Be a couple before becoming a household. If you met him now would you go on a date with him?
Good luck and I really hope it works out for you

He is a man who doesn't really have a problem with committing adultery.

He will do it again.

It must have been very painful for you to find out he'd cheated. Why risk more pain? He's been tried and tested and found seriously wanting. Nothing has changed really.

I would just steer clear of any reconciliation and focus wholeheartedly on getting yourself right back in track independently of him.

You've come so very far already. Don't give that up.

If you want a relationship, why not look elsewhere? Go for pastures new.