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Original poster

Reconciling with ex husband

108 replies

CookieChumbles · 03/04/2023 10:55

Hi -name changed for this.

I have been separated from my exDH for 3 years, after he had a 2nd affair. We were married for 10 years and have 2 kids together. We haven't divorced.

ExDH obviously says he regrets the affairs but it's pretty shit.

Neither of us have had any other serious relationships since we split, both had a couple of casual flings. Neither of us would want to move another adult into a house that the kids live in so it very much limits any future relationship.

ExDH and I still get on really well, see each other every day (mostly for childcare handovers etc, he does all the school runs as his job is more flexible), we've been on holiday together with the kids since we split and it's been very amicable.

I know that he has been open to a reconciliation since the day we parted, recently I went through a really difficult time with my family and he was so supportive and kind and loving, he really went above and beyond what could be expected of an ex husband. Its made me reconsider the relationship. Another factor driving it (sounds shallow) but he's put an offer in on a beautiful family home in a perfect location and put the offer out to me to move back in with him.

In a lot of ways he's the perfect man, pulls his weight round the house, generous, lovely to be around but obviously his history of not being able to keep his pants on is a concern.

I know I'm rambling here, but I'm so torn on what to do. On one hand I love him, we still get on great, I see him all the time anyway. Practically we'd have a much better standard of living if we got back together, me and the kids could move out of the shitty rental in a horrible street. The downside is the infidelity and how it would go down with friends and relatives.

I don't know what the question is, but any experiences or advise would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Sittwritt · 03/04/2023 19:22

It must have been very painful for you to find out he'd cheated. Why risk more pain?

Whilst I fully support whatever your choice is, running off with step-mummies and stepdads at this point if your children’s development would indeed cause more pain than if you guys got back together.

Besides you can date anybody you like, you’re probably really pretty attractive and this sort of stupidity has no reflection on who you are. But I would give him a chance because I honestly think within 10 years it all over anyway the kids are grown up and you are financially sorted for the rest of your life. And time flies so quickly. If you say one of your children is a teenager let’s even assume the 13, well they gonna leave the house in about six years. Think how quickly the first 13 have gone. You’ve got nothing to lose. He has a lot more to lose.

NessVan · 03/04/2023 19:36

I think if I was giving this advice to a friend I'd say be careful . But I think if I was making this decision for myself I'd definitely take the chance again. If you love him, you get on, you'd be happy and can see yourself living the rest of your life happily together and forgetting about the past then why not do it. You only have one life and not many chances to meet someone you truly love spending time x

Buildingthefuture · 03/04/2023 19:52

Interesting perspective from @Sittwritt ….very pragmatic and practical and I can see what you are saying. Like OP, I’ve spent my entire life working with men and, my god, this is far, far more common than people realise I think? One study showed that 57% of men and 54% of women admitted to one of more incidents of infidelity whilst in relationships. (In my experience, WAY more than 57% of the men I’ve worked with have been at it!) But, MN would have you believe that ALL those people would do that again? The comment about “upcycled and recycled” struck a cord too….if you go back to the dating pool, more than half of the men have allegedly cheated at some point and that doesn’t even begin to cover the awful dating threads on here, of ghosting and misogyny and “psycho” exes and abandoned children. So, I don’t know. My first response I think to finding out my DH had cheated would be to have his balls as earrings….but, knowing what I know, would it be worth it? I’m not sure I could have the cool, clinical approach, but I can see the benefits…….

GooseberryCinnamonYogurt · 03/04/2023 20:08

CookieChumbles · 03/04/2023 15:27

@Sittwritt I think the way you're thinking is more the way I was thinking but not able to articulate particularly well.

I really want to send you a message as I can't post about my story here but don't know how to send messages.

Dweetfidilove · 03/04/2023 20:34

@Sittwritt I hope you don't get eaten alive as this is one of the most well thought out piece of advice I've read on here.

If the OP can follow this it puts her in very good stead - almost equal to the one her husband currently enjoys.

LiliLil · 03/04/2023 22:10

GooseberryCinnamonYogurt · 03/04/2023 20:08

I really want to send you a message as I can't post about my story here but don't know how to send messages.

Show quote history

If you find one of the OPs posts, underneath it says “save” “share” etc. go along and click on the three dots, it’s the last icon on the right and select “PM”

Reconciling with ex husband
youtwoandme · 03/04/2023 22:36

BreviloquentBastard · 03/04/2023 11:29

I personally respect myself too much to even consider going back to a man who'd fucked two other women behind my back then thought he could buy my love back with a pretty house, but you do you.

THIS!!!

I couldn't let him touch me again after that!! 🤮🤮 Vile cheat!!!! Can't believe you're even considering this. He was only remorseful because he got caught!!!!!!!

Coldspringtime · 03/04/2023 23:20

Sittwritt · 03/04/2023 14:12

I think the mantra of once a cheater always a cheater is a very simplistic one. Though it happens to be quite true at times, it is also possible to learn and grow from it.

Realistically he’s only really cheated once in your marriage and the other was when you were having time apart.

Going into this, I can see great benefits for you and the children. In fact I wouldn’t even think about him cheating. There is a lot for you to gain from maintaining this relationship for the next 6 to 8 years. First of all the children would’ve had both parents and would not have had to put up with stepparents, maltreatment or sexual abuse that quite often happens in these situations. That’s a huge bonus. You are protecting them firstly and for mostly and that is your primary role as a parent. And of course your pension fund is growing by the minute as long as you’re with him, the better of you will be period. I’m guessing he’s probably about 40, perhaps 50. Therefore he is very likely to get some inheritance into the family pot. I can really see this will be the time you really should be with him.

So if you get along, do it. I’m going to be honest you can always have your back up plan to get out of it if it all goes pear-shaped , but you will be that much wealthier and you don’t have to be heartbroken all over again, I think you would’ve learnt from your first experience. it’s much easier to be heartbroken and wealthy, so in fact you’re making an investment with a cunning plan, so you don’t really have to feel like a victim at all, it works for you, in many ways. and there is something to be said about not having your ego dictate to you what you should do. You can outsmart him and 90% of the ‘betrayed’. One is only a victim if they feel like one.

He actually has a lot more to lose than you do. Whilst you are at it keep an eye on all the bank accounts, all the assets, make sure that you’re well protected and then just literally go for it if need be. You can educate yourself really well in the separation/divorce section of this website. It’s excellent.

He knows he’s a bit of a liability and he’s actually willing to risk all to have his family back again. 10 years pension can make a huge difference to your retirement. and there is a lot to be said for having a beautiful home, lots of room, and to be quite honest the choice out there is appalling, anybody you meet would be recycled and up cycled so better with the Devil you know.

I know I will probably get eaten alive for these comments, but cheating at 10 years of marriage is an absolute standard. Those they haven’t been cheated on her probably never found out. I know that sounds totally terrible, but it’s possibly quite true. Sometimes choosing each other all over again can actually spice up your relationship.

And it could’ve been a positive in all its absolute dreary drabness.

That’s such a sad cynical helpless post. I really feel for you that whatever has caused you to be in this place. All men cheat. Stay for the money. Take it from them for the lifestyle.

not go and be independent. Find a man who will love you and stay faithful to you. Find that freedom and the joy of a healthy relationship. It’s grab the money, take it from him for the lifestyle. It’s the best you can achieve.

it’s just really sad. 😔

Coldspringtime · 03/04/2023 23:21

Dweetfidilove · 03/04/2023 20:34

@Sittwritt I hope you don't get eaten alive as this is one of the most well thought out piece of advice I've read on here.

If the OP can follow this it puts her in very good stead - almost equal to the one her husband currently enjoys.

I have no words. This is even sadder.

Coldspringtime · 03/04/2023 23:25

FatFucker · 03/04/2023 14:24

This with bells on. And obviously he'd do it again.

Depends how low your bar is I suppose.

Show quote history

Well yes. Because now he knows she will take it for the money, so he will shag whomever he pleases. When he pleases. And everyone will know. Let’s face it, they will know he cheats on her and she takes it for the money.

what’s sad is other women telling her to sell her self esteem for a nice house.

Sittwritt · 03/04/2023 23:26

Find a man who will love you and stay faithful to you.

He may be faithful to you but had probably cheated in the past…and you know what they say about cheaters…once a cheater….

Coldspringtime · 03/04/2023 23:29

Sittwritt · 03/04/2023 23:26

Find a man who will love you and stay faithful to you.

He may be faithful to you but had probably cheated in the past…and you know what they say about cheaters…once a cheater….

I’m guessing you ve been cheated on? I’m sorry 💐

Sittwritt · 03/04/2023 23:30

Reconciliation can be a lot more than just about the man and the money. It could be what works for your family, what you may want for your children. Maybe just maybe not everything needs to revolve around the guy’s propensity to cheat or not to cheat.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 03/04/2023 23:50

Don’t let pride stand in the way of a better life.

BlastedPimples · 04/04/2023 00:22

No. Be proud.

Forge your own life.

Do not accept the low standards of adulterers.

Be independent. Keep away from dishonest people.

Fifi1010 · 04/04/2023 00:33

A lot of people turn a blind eye for the lifestyle. Put it this way he will never be faithful, get your own fancy man on the side insist you use protection. Make sure you have your own income one of his shags he might fall in love in and want to leave you for them. Basically you go back with your eyes wide open , get a divorce fresh start no games but a lifestyle hit.

makewomenbetter · 04/04/2023 05:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GoodChat · 04/04/2023 06:10

Can @MNHQ ban chat bots?

PotKettel · 04/04/2023 06:29

I would definitely move in and give it a second chance. In a heartbeat. Millions of people cheat and are arseholes about it. It seems to me he’s trying to make up for betraying you. Protect your heart a little bit, be wise about it, but move in.

once you have moved in, arm yourself - make him pay for most of the basics, get your pension topped up, buy yourself a nice car with his money, build up your savings.

Make it clear if he does cheat again you will leave him and it won’t be amicable.
, and the divorce will be bruising.

I would definitely move past the infidelity in your shoes where it sounds like you can. Good luck.

KateFeather · 04/04/2023 06:36

Sittwritt · 03/04/2023 14:12

I think the mantra of once a cheater always a cheater is a very simplistic one. Though it happens to be quite true at times, it is also possible to learn and grow from it.

Realistically he’s only really cheated once in your marriage and the other was when you were having time apart.

Going into this, I can see great benefits for you and the children. In fact I wouldn’t even think about him cheating. There is a lot for you to gain from maintaining this relationship for the next 6 to 8 years. First of all the children would’ve had both parents and would not have had to put up with stepparents, maltreatment or sexual abuse that quite often happens in these situations. That’s a huge bonus. You are protecting them firstly and for mostly and that is your primary role as a parent. And of course your pension fund is growing by the minute as long as you’re with him, the better of you will be period. I’m guessing he’s probably about 40, perhaps 50. Therefore he is very likely to get some inheritance into the family pot. I can really see this will be the time you really should be with him.

So if you get along, do it. I’m going to be honest you can always have your back up plan to get out of it if it all goes pear-shaped , but you will be that much wealthier and you don’t have to be heartbroken all over again, I think you would’ve learnt from your first experience. it’s much easier to be heartbroken and wealthy, so in fact you’re making an investment with a cunning plan, so you don’t really have to feel like a victim at all, it works for you, in many ways. and there is something to be said about not having your ego dictate to you what you should do. You can outsmart him and 90% of the ‘betrayed’. One is only a victim if they feel like one.

He actually has a lot more to lose than you do. Whilst you are at it keep an eye on all the bank accounts, all the assets, make sure that you’re well protected and then just literally go for it if need be. You can educate yourself really well in the separation/divorce section of this website. It’s excellent.

He knows he’s a bit of a liability and he’s actually willing to risk all to have his family back again. 10 years pension can make a huge difference to your retirement. and there is a lot to be said for having a beautiful home, lots of room, and to be quite honest the choice out there is appalling, anybody you meet would be recycled and up cycled so better with the Devil you know.

I know I will probably get eaten alive for these comments, but cheating at 10 years of marriage is an absolute standard. Those they haven’t been cheated on her probably never found out. I know that sounds totally terrible, but it’s possibly quite true. Sometimes choosing each other all over again can actually spice up your relationship.

And it could’ve been a positive in all its absolute dreary drabness.

One of the most repulsive posts I've come across on mumsnet.

Sittwritt · 04/04/2023 06:54

PotKettel · 04/04/2023 06:29

I would definitely move in and give it a second chance. In a heartbeat. Millions of people cheat and are arseholes about it. It seems to me he’s trying to make up for betraying you. Protect your heart a little bit, be wise about it, but move in.

once you have moved in, arm yourself - make him pay for most of the basics, get your pension topped up, buy yourself a nice car with his money, build up your savings.

Make it clear if he does cheat again you will leave him and it won’t be amicable.
, and the divorce will be bruising.

I would definitely move past the infidelity in your shoes where it sounds like you can. Good luck.

I love this.

And the the other lady that said don’t let your pride stand in your way of a good life. Too much ego can damage us all. I see this as the ego talking:

No. Be proud.

Forge your own life.

Do not accept the low standards of adulterers.

Be independent. Keep away from dishonest people.

You can go in and say it’s back on but with two options. We show each other respect and friendship or it’s plan B immediately if you don’t. And for the sake of trust and commitment you have to have complete transparency when it comes to finances, conferences, work dos, phones. You don’t have to check them because that’s an illness in its own right but you need access to all.

Goodread1 · 04/04/2023 07:25

Why ?
What's the point !

What stopping him wanting to cheat again, when life gets a bit/far too stressful or mundane for him 🤔 then???

HidingFromDD · 04/04/2023 09:59

Consider whether you want a romantic relationship with him or whether you would be happy with a shared house/co-parenting relationship. If the latter, how would you handle either of you getting into a committed relationship elsewhere.

are you ‘naturally’ monogamous. If so, and he’s not, an open relationship would be one sided. is that something you could live with or would it eat away at you?
there’s multiple different ways to live in a relationship and the current monogamous married model is only one of them

Sunshineandflipflops · 04/04/2023 10:24

This is an interesting post as my ex husband and I separated for similar reasons (a one-off indiscretion years ago, followed by an full-blown affair 10 years later. one that I was prepared to forgive ( I had a toddler and was heavily pregnant at the time, which may have influenced my decision) and the other, which I wasn't.

We also had a good marriage, got on really well, etc. I think he did it because he could and because his ego was flattered.

Anyway, getting back together has never actually been on the table and we are now divorced (we also took 3 years to divorce for various reasons). But I do sometimes think things would be easier if we were to have given things another go. We still get on really well (after the initial year or two of anger subsided) and do things together with the kids now and again/make all big decisions relating to them together, etc.

BUT we would have just been whitewashing over the fact that we had a good marriage yet he still cheated. What leeway does that give for if/when things get tough? When he goes out with friends/colleagues, would I be sat there wondering if he is being unfaithful (the answer id yes)?

He broke a fundamental marriage vow, twice and as much as I'll always be fond of him, I am worth more than he gave me.

I'd rather keep hold of the good co-parenting relationship we have going forward as I know so many adults (my ex included) whose parents can't/won't even be in the same room. I wouldn't want to risk that or mistake it for something it's not and never will be again.

jemimapuddlepluck · 04/04/2023 10:26

I would love to tell you to move on with your life, be happy in the knowledge that your loved one will never be able to hurt you again but I dont think that's what you want to hear and you will move back in with him. You need to work on yourself and find ways to deal with a future affair. Make sure you know everything regarding finances, arm yourself with knowledge OR learn how to turn a blind eye. Be practical, be realistic, forge your own path so you are happy with you, then when he let's you down again you can just crack on. Good luck 💐

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