Page 2 | Dating as openly plus size, but still being rejected

MMMarmite · 02/04/2023 23:41

The fact that they're saying you're amazing during the dates, then disappearing after, make me think that they find you attractive but they're just looking for a one night stand. Is your profile quite flirtatious? Maybe it would help to be clearer that you are only looking for a longer term relationship.

PinkMendinilla · 03/04/2023 00:09

I dated as a size 18-20 and lost weight during that time so in the end was a tallish size 12-14 (not skinny but fairly fit and toned). I think that this is how it is on OLD a lot of the time, rather than to do with your size. Especially if your pics are representative. If you're on there just looking for casual flings then it could be different.

You meet a man with no context, he could be the most handsome and nice bloke and you have a good laugh and chat because you're both nice people, maybe continue onto another bar, but if you don't have an immediate romantic spark then there's really no motivation to keep trying and nobody wants a heavy conversation so it will often just fizzle out or end with a quick 'thanks but no thanks'.

Please don't take this personally.

What I learnt was to keep investment low- no long chats before the date and generally speaking keep first meetings either short or with low expectations. That is to say, have dinner or whatever but treat it as no more consequential than going for a cuppa.

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/04/2023 00:13

Tradeup · 02/04/2023 18:50

Let’s be honest, you are attracted to fit guys just as men are attracted to fit women. Weight is often a deal breaker for men and women, we need to be physically attracted to our partner even if they have a fantastic personality.

Online dating may not be the best place to meet men, who go by looks even more than women.

Nah, it’s just OLD. Pretty much everyone has this experience. They can see what you look like from your photos and you wouldn’t be getting dates if people weren’t interested.

Try different sites OP, and maybe broaden your own lists, but basically it’s a numbers game, and you also have to fight your way through those men just hoping for a shag.

SaltyDogLife · 03/04/2023 00:35

I agree that this is common experience even for slim women.

I don't think most men can visualise women's dress size. I would put your weight and height and make sure the photos are taken level because if you take it from high up it makes you look slimmer.

It could be that they didn't like your voice, or teeth or facial expressions or words you repeat. OLD is all very shallow for any size.

I think big guys have a chip on their shoulder and don't want big women, they feel they have to prove something by choosing a slim woman, makes them feel more masculine. By contrast I find the slim guys who go for big women tend to be submissive guys.

SaltyDogLife · 03/04/2023 00:39

And whoever said maybe you'll find the one that likes you for your personality... there are guys who specifically like large women. I wouldn't necessarily call it fetish as some men like big bums or blondes. So it is possible to find a man who likes a BBW physically in addition to liking her personality. Granted, most men prefer slim and average build just like most men like taller men but there are guys who actually like big women and that is their genuine preference.

MaggieThatchersFridge · 03/04/2023 01:14

CultureAlienationBoredomandDespair · 02/04/2023 18:51

Being brutally honest (and I’m plus sized too) some men will go in dates with larger women as they think they’ll be ‘grateful’ and sleep with them straight away without them having to work at it. They probably can’t be bothered to actually find out about you or care much- their loss.

It sucks, but it’s this. I’m sorry.

321user123 · 03/04/2023 01:39

Mmmmmh…. I know maybe it’s desperate but maybe.. could you ask one of them some “feedback”? Like what exactly they didn’t like?
not straight away maybe like a week later so they don’t think you’re desperate or fishing for something.

Maybe it will give you an idea?

but realistically I think it’s your choice of guys OP…

User59339 · 03/04/2023 17:58

Its funny how when a woman is fat she is called a "BBW" or "plus sized" while men on the other hand who are fat will be called fat, We cant call ourselfs a big beautiful man or plus sized lol.

Even on beauty mags or strip clubs you see women of different body types while men always have to be tall and chisled like a greek god, even at male strip clubs you wont even see a man with an average body stripping let alone a man who is chubby or fat.

Fat acceptance is only for women, not men. Even if a man is chisled like a greek god and puts in effort into his appearance society will still view the average woman as more sexier and attractive. An average looking woman with an average body will get more attention and compliments than some man who is built like a greek god.

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 03/04/2023 18:00

User59339 · 03/04/2023 17:58

Its funny how when a woman is fat she is called a "BBW" or "plus sized" while men on the other hand who are fat will be called fat, We cant call ourselfs a big beautiful man or plus sized lol.

Even on beauty mags or strip clubs you see women of different body types while men always have to be tall and chisled like a greek god, even at male strip clubs you wont even see a man with an average body stripping let alone a man who is chubby or fat.

Fat acceptance is only for women, not men. Even if a man is chisled like a greek god and puts in effort into his appearance society will still view the average woman as more sexier and attractive. An average looking woman with an average body will get more attention and compliments than some man who is built like a greek god.

What's that got to do with this thread?

Viviennemary · 03/04/2023 18:05

You have answered your own question. You go for handsome fit guys. They probably go for good looking fit women. And saying you are a good catch. That sound a bit big headed to me.

Treacletoots · 03/04/2023 18:05

It's not your size OP. It's the men on OLD.

Lower your expectations and try to weed out the time wasters before wasting time better spent watching TV.

For example. Tell them you don't have sex until at least a month into dating. That'll get rid of at least 75%.

The more dates you go on, you'll start to pick up things from the ones who aren't worth your time. Then start using that information when you're chatting to figure out if they're just idiots or not.

It's not you, it's definitely them

Knullrufs · 03/04/2023 18:13

I think it's just standard OLD.

I work and am friends with a guy who is literally a model and he's on a few dating apps. 90% of the time he gets almost the same thing as you're describing; matches are keen beforehand and then 'not feeling it' after the first or second date.

It's just the marketplace of online dating I think. He is very comme ci, comme ça about it; people are allowed to meet up and just not feel it, at the end of the day. That's a variation of consent, after all.

Dating is a chemistry-driven thing that is about more than just descriptions of looks and personality traits, and you only know if the chemistry will happen or not when you meet someone in person.

So I don't think it's anything to do with your physical appearance (especially as it sounds like you're pretty clear about who you are and what you look like). It's best filed under; dating is tricky.

PollyDarton1 · 03/04/2023 18:16

User59339 · 03/04/2023 17:58

Its funny how when a woman is fat she is called a "BBW" or "plus sized" while men on the other hand who are fat will be called fat, We cant call ourselfs a big beautiful man or plus sized lol.

Even on beauty mags or strip clubs you see women of different body types while men always have to be tall and chisled like a greek god, even at male strip clubs you wont even see a man with an average body stripping let alone a man who is chubby or fat.

Fat acceptance is only for women, not men. Even if a man is chisled like a greek god and puts in effort into his appearance society will still view the average woman as more sexier and attractive. An average looking woman with an average body will get more attention and compliments than some man who is built like a greek god.

This is such bullshit, sorry. I know tonnes of people who are quite happy dating fat guys, in fact they actively pursue them. The chiselled Greek god stuff still exists, but there is a huge swathe of women/men who want to date and be with guys who are chunky/dad bods and swipe immediately left on anyone who looks like they spend hours in the gym.

Fat acceptance for women may very well be more visible, but that's because for many decades women have been sold the concept that we have to be thin/slim in order to be desirable. In contrast, up until more recent times (social media-y decade) there wasn't the pressure on men in the same way - although I do believe now it's hard for men too in the digital age.

Luckydip1 · 03/04/2023 18:17

Plenty of men like plus size women so I don't think it's your appearance that is the issue. Sometimes it takes a while to find a connection with someone you just need to be patient!

JKTrolling · 03/04/2023 18:20

I think you’re focusing on your weight being the problem. Your experience is exactly the same as women who are thinner than you. It’s just how OLD is. It’s not for everyone.

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 03/04/2023 18:26

I go for fairly handsome fit men, but for some reason I don’t get hit on much by other chubbier guys (even tho I would like that)

Have you tried swiping on the chubbier guys?

Sclover23 · 03/04/2023 18:35

Is it possible you’re just overthinking things and assuming it’s your size which is the issue?
I dated online as a plus size woman and was honest with my pics, but then didn’t focus on it. If guys are matching with you and then progressing to dates when they’ve seen your pics, then if things aren’t working out I’d just chalk it down to chemistry not working. I think you could be subconsciously focusing on your size and almost self sabotaging without realising - I dated lots of guys where it was only 1 or 2 dates, I had several which lasted a few months then I met the love of my life a year ago who loves me and my shape, so it can totally work!

lljkk · 03/04/2023 18:41

My dad described his buddy's experience of OLD back in the mid 1990s. "Different date every night for a month, had a whale of a time, didn't meet any keepers."

5128gap · 03/04/2023 18:45

User59339 · 03/04/2023 17:58

Its funny how when a woman is fat she is called a "BBW" or "plus sized" while men on the other hand who are fat will be called fat, We cant call ourselfs a big beautiful man or plus sized lol.

Even on beauty mags or strip clubs you see women of different body types while men always have to be tall and chisled like a greek god, even at male strip clubs you wont even see a man with an average body stripping let alone a man who is chubby or fat.

Fat acceptance is only for women, not men. Even if a man is chisled like a greek god and puts in effort into his appearance society will still view the average woman as more sexier and attractive. An average looking woman with an average body will get more attention and compliments than some man who is built like a greek god.

Well that's clearly nonsense isn't it? How many men do you know who are tall, chiselled Greek gods? Yet somehow most of them are acceptable to women. Men of all shapes, heights and sizes can find partners. The problem usually lies in their refusal to accept they're not going to pull a gorgeous 20 something and be realistic about their prospects. Also, in their failure to understand that there are certain character and personality traits that are attractive to women, which they often lack.
And no, the rare specimen that is the truly gorgeous man will have more opportunities than an average or even good looking woman. The scarcer the supply the higher the demand.

areyousittingontheremote · 03/04/2023 19:43

Wait a minute.

They're aware of your size and you get first and second dates then it trails off?

Sorry, but it's your personality they are not liking. That's not to say it's not great, but it's not your looks.

It's the connection. Did you even want a third date with these men?

User59339 · 03/04/2023 19:50

@5128gap many women are not sexually attracted to the male body and dont get turned on by nudes or shirtless pictures. They are attracted to male attention or how a man makes them feel attractive.

In fact many women admit to finding women more sexier and are more turned on by them

PaintedEgg · 03/04/2023 19:52

User59339 · 03/04/2023 19:50

@5128gap many women are not sexually attracted to the male body and dont get turned on by nudes or shirtless pictures. They are attracted to male attention or how a man makes them feel attractive.

In fact many women admit to finding women more sexier and are more turned on by them

If a woman finds other women more attractive than men in general the this woman just prefers women...

User59339 · 03/04/2023 19:54

Im a man who is very athletic and tall but I defiantly find some chubby women attractive, I love mummy bods as well although I do prefer slim/petite women

User59339 · 03/04/2023 19:59

@PaintedEgg But I hear a lot of women talk about finding women more sexier and attractive but yet they still decide to date men lol

PaintedEgg · 03/04/2023 20:03

User59339 · 03/04/2023 19:59

@PaintedEgg But I hear a lot of women talk about finding women more sexier and attractive but yet they still decide to date men lol

a lot of women are not straight - there is plenty of bisexual women

as for "deciding to date a man" - and if they are dating a man then either: they went for this particular person's personality OR their comment is really a dig at their partner / men in general