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Original poster

Dating as openly plus size, but still being rejected

74 replies

Janese2 · 02/04/2023 18:46

Hello everyone,
so I’ve been online dating for few months. I am large woman (size 18-20). I try to put pictures online that reflect my weight and being honest (no filters!) - I mention that I’m plus size on my profile too . I think I’m a good catch (I think I’m funny, kind, have loads of hobbies and a good job). However, I can’t seem to get past first / second date and I can’t seem to think of any other reason than physical attraction and them not liking my size (one date even said they would like me if I lost some weight ). I go for fairly handsome fit men, but for some reason I don’t get hit on much by other chubbier guys (even tho I would like that). Dates are going well in my eyes and usually end up taking it to other bar/coffee/restaurant/walk and dates turn into hours and then saying how amazing I am. It’s really letting me down and I don’t know what to do😭 Do men lie on dates saying they are blown away to then not call / say they are not feeling it? Is that normal ? I asked my guy friend if there is something wrong with my way of talking / conversations and he said he doesn’t get it, because my personality is great so it must the pictures / look issue… also I’m in my 30s (usually dating 27-40)

OP posts:
areyousittingontheremote · 03/04/2023 20:05

User59339 · 03/04/2023 19:59

@PaintedEgg But I hear a lot of women talk about finding women more sexier and attractive but yet they still decide to date men lol

I think I see what you're getting at. I'm 100% heterosexual but I would rather look at a woman's body than a man's but obviously wouldn't want to do anything sexual to a woman.

It's the fact that pictures don't do anything because I can't do anything with the pictures. So what am I looking for?

Whereas I will stare at Mariah Carey for a bit and wonder at her beauty but men I find attractive if they're not in the flesh why would I look at a picture of them for a prolonged period?

User59339 · 03/04/2023 20:07

@PaintedEgg its like most women I encounter are bisexual these days and many seem more sexually attracted to women but romantically attracted to men.

So now I have to compete with men, women and couples that want a female 3rd lol. Im also attracted to petite/slim women who dont have kids but want some which is what most men go for as well.

I might just end up getting myself a mail order bride because its easier, All you need is money.

PaintedEgg · 03/04/2023 20:10

User59339 · 03/04/2023 20:07

@PaintedEgg its like most women I encounter are bisexual these days and many seem more sexually attracted to women but romantically attracted to men.

So now I have to compete with men, women and couples that want a female 3rd lol. Im also attracted to petite/slim women who dont have kids but want some which is what most men go for as well.

I might just end up getting myself a mail order bride because its easier, All you need is money.

as someone said above - it may be that they refer to the fact that women look better in pictures (personally I disagree, but a lot of people are more used to female form being presented in art so that's what they prefer - does not mean it's sexual attraction). I like looking at antique furniture, but Im not attracted to it

CultureAlienationBoredomandDespair · 03/04/2023 20:11

User59339 · 03/04/2023 20:07

@PaintedEgg its like most women I encounter are bisexual these days and many seem more sexually attracted to women but romantically attracted to men.

So now I have to compete with men, women and couples that want a female 3rd lol. Im also attracted to petite/slim women who dont have kids but want some which is what most men go for as well.

I might just end up getting myself a mail order bride because its easier, All you need is money.

Maybe you should start your own thread about your weird beliefs rather than derailing the OPs with your incel theories.

User59339 · 03/04/2023 20:22

@PaintedEgg so they are attracted to the aesthetics rather than being sexually attractive?

But it seems like many women are bisexual and are more sexually turned on by women, they would have sex with a woman but onlt want long term relationships with men.

Shirtless men are so normalized that it actually desexualizes the male body while women have to cover up thier chests because "Boobs are hot".

The only part on men that arouses women is the penis. Shirtless pictures dont turn women on although a shirtless picture of a woman will.

PaintedEgg · 03/04/2023 20:24

User59339 · 03/04/2023 20:22

@PaintedEgg so they are attracted to the aesthetics rather than being sexually attractive?

But it seems like many women are bisexual and are more sexually turned on by women, they would have sex with a woman but onlt want long term relationships with men.

Shirtless men are so normalized that it actually desexualizes the male body while women have to cover up thier chests because "Boobs are hot".

The only part on men that arouses women is the penis. Shirtless pictures dont turn women on although a shirtless picture of a woman will.

are you acting like you don't get it or did you really miss the point?

anyway, get your own thread

pettysquabbles · 03/04/2023 20:34

User59339 · 03/04/2023 20:22

@PaintedEgg so they are attracted to the aesthetics rather than being sexually attractive?

But it seems like many women are bisexual and are more sexually turned on by women, they would have sex with a woman but onlt want long term relationships with men.

Shirtless men are so normalized that it actually desexualizes the male body while women have to cover up thier chests because "Boobs are hot".

The only part on men that arouses women is the penis. Shirtless pictures dont turn women on although a shirtless picture of a woman will.

fucking clueless

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 03/04/2023 21:16

The only part on men that arouses women is the penis.

And here we have the erroneous belief that is responsible for millions of unwanted dick pics.

A phallus fallacy.

MegIsWhite · 03/04/2023 21:53

User, I get a lot of what you're saying but you're a man on mumsnet so if you declared that the sky is blue, you may still get some pushback.

On the other hand, some of what you've written (mail order bride) does make you sound incel-ish. You may or may not be but you sound jaded or sad about how some men are treated, then talking about mail order bride, etc. <Shrug>

SaltyDogLife · 04/04/2023 04:55

I don't think it's because the guys are fit. If she weren't getting matches or first dates then yeah you could say try widening the type of looks you go for but if the fit handsome men are matching with her and going on first dates it's not because they don't find her at least bangable. It will be something that happens on the date or afterwards if your pictures are clear.

@User59339 There is a fat male equivalent to BBW it's called BHM big handsome men.

SaltyDogLife · 04/04/2023 05:00

@User59339 with your point about a woman being bi but choosing men for long term, perhaps bi men do the same, have casual FWB with other men but settle down with a woman? Maybe because it's 'easier' to be stereotypical and straight since there is homophobia still unfortunately. Possibly it's also about conception is usually more straight forward with the opposite sex. It's interesting but probably best to start your own thread I'm sure you'll get plenty of replies as I couldn't resist replying again to your posts but will now stop so as not to derail further - sorry op.

Autienotnautie · 04/04/2023 05:24

I'd say they pick you so they must find you attractive. So one of two things is happening, either they are not enjoying the date as much as you or they are hoping for sex and it's not forthcoming.

Blushingm · 04/04/2023 09:07

I'm a size 20 and if anything when I was on OLD it was me trying to get rid of guys who were just boring! The dates were boring!

I met someone who I think is lovely and he seems to think I am - I think it's just luck half the time

GreyCarpet · 04/04/2023 09:17

User59339 · 03/04/2023 20:22

@PaintedEgg so they are attracted to the aesthetics rather than being sexually attractive?

But it seems like many women are bisexual and are more sexually turned on by women, they would have sex with a woman but onlt want long term relationships with men.

Shirtless men are so normalized that it actually desexualizes the male body while women have to cover up thier chests because "Boobs are hot".

The only part on men that arouses women is the penis. Shirtless pictures dont turn women on although a shirtless picture of a woman will.

Have you ever actually even, you know, spoken to a woman..?

Because, if you had, you'd realise that pretty much everything you've said on this thread is absolute bollocks! 🤣

DorothyBaker · 05/04/2023 12:14

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 03/04/2023 21:16

The only part on men that arouses women is the penis.

And here we have the erroneous belief that is responsible for millions of unwanted dick pics.

A phallus fallacy.

@PussBilledDuckyPlait exactly!! But why men think that? weren’t they raised by a woman? Is this belief innate and overrides all evidence to the contrary around them?

Seasonofthewitch83 · 05/04/2023 12:53

This sounds like online dating no matter your size!

Enjoy the dates for that they are! I loved going on first dates but like you, I seemed to struggle to every get past date 1 or 2 which is fine - if there's no spark, there's no spark.

Lots of men do just like to use these sites for attention - I seemed to have a knack for them returning to their ex girlfriend because they clearly wanted to see if there was anything better, met me and decided not!

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 05/04/2023 12:59

DorothyBaker · 05/04/2023 12:14

@PussBilledDuckyPlait exactly!! But why men think that? weren’t they raised by a woman? Is this belief innate and overrides all evidence to the contrary around them?

Show quote history

I assume men who send unsolicited dick pics like looking at women's genitals and they think, in a unintelligent way, that means all women like to see photographs of penises.

5128gap · 05/04/2023 13:16

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 05/04/2023 12:59

I assume men who send unsolicited dick pics like looking at women's genitals and they think, in a unintelligent way, that means all women like to see photographs of penises.

Show quote history

I think that's a charitable interpretation. I think many do it because they get off on it. Its the modern day flasher in the park.

Notbeinfunnehbut · 13/05/2023 20:41

As a plus size woman myself
bigger than you
its a unspoken knowledge that some of the worst experiences are with overweight men in terms of rudeness,
I think it’s a deep insecurity defensiveness , sadly

TryingThisAgainAgain · 13/05/2023 21:33

I think that a lot of men are on dating sites hoping for a shag, basically. I think that's more likely to be the 1-2 date issue... Possible that they weren't really looking to date but more looking for a one night stand

TomPinch · 14/05/2023 00:54

I am an interloper on this thread because I'm male and in a relationship, but I do find threads like these fascinating. I follow similar ones on a male-dominated website and it's interesting to compare. On here, the participants are very organised - they have to be because the challenge is to sort the wheat from the chaff. On the other site, any hint of a date is greeted like winning Lotto. Most of the time they're getting little to no interest

I also read that according to data amassed by dating apps, men fall roughly into two categories: a minority that get a lot of interest and a majority that get little. I think a lot of incel nonsense is based on this - and it proves that the worst conspiracy theories need some baited hook of plausibility to catch the gullible. It doesn't mean the data is false.

What does this mean? That the OP gets interest from men with other options? Or, more likely, that dating apps simply can't link up chemistry and that is that. I do think it's pretty hateful how they've taken over. They don't cater to someone who takes time to get to know, or who needs that time, and maybe OP you're one of those?

Broadstairs876 · 14/05/2023 01:41

I think with OLD people often have many people they are chatting to all at once. And probably trying to line up 1st/2nd and third dates all at once if their lucky. It really isn't a nice place.

Definitely a bit of the grass looks greener going on in my opinion.

So you may be on a 2nd date with someone, thinking its going well. Behind your back they're still swiping left right and centre till the cows come home, looking for someone who they think is going to put out on the first date

TomPinch · 14/05/2023 02:01

Well, that's how the apps are designed to work! The illusion of plenty.

Ladybug14 · 14/05/2023 03:24

It's nothing to do with the way you look imo

It's because of the sweet shop mentality

Men (and women) on OLD, date and chat to lots of people at the same time. So that they don't miss out on anyone

All the 'rejection' means is that they've tested you out, alongside many others, and they prefer someone else. It's simple choice.

There's nothing wrong with you at all

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