My husband must be cheating to act like this?

[Hopingforbettertimesoon]

I am so nervous never posted before. My husband is doing everything that suggests he is seeing someone else. He has lost lots of weigh, goes to the gym all the time, started wearing deodorant and after shave. He has moved into the spare bedroom and refuses to even touch me. He listens to lots of pop music which he never did before and Is planning to go to Turkey to do a facelift!

I have tried to talk to him but he just gets angry and says I have caused him to act like this. He says I am a monster who has caused him untold emotional damage. He says I have rejected him too often. We used to have sex about twice week but he says I did not do enough. In my defence I work full time, do everything in the house and look after our kids. Also up until recently he often smelt of bo and had bad breath. I used to ask him nicely to wear deodorant but he refused saying it caused cancer.

He has changed so much. He refuses to eat food I cooked although in the past he said I was a good cook. Then he started to criticise saying it tasted terrible. He used to say plastic surgery was wrong now he is getting it.

I know I am not perfect but I am not the monster he thinks. But when he keeps saying it I begin to wonder if I am.

he shouts at the kids and spends hardly any time with them. I do everything. He started to change after our eldest son as born. But there was still some good periods. It has however got steadily worse.

I guess I just need to ask if this is all my fault. I have said to him we both have faults but he says no it is all me. If anyone heard what he says about me and how I have treated him I would be the worst person but deep down I don’t think I am. Not perfect but decent enough.

I think I need a bit of a hand hold or maybe to be told if I am wrong and I am a mistake monster. Please don’t be too hard though and say it nicely if you can.

none of this seems to be about you and there is someone out there who will give you the respect you deserve. Ltb!

It's not you. It's him and he is blaming you because he doesn't want to be responsible on his own actions and it is projecting. He doesn't respect you whether is cheating or not.

He is having an affair.
He is blaming you because he's a coward who can't take responsibility
He's irritable because he wants out of a situation and into his glorious rainbow world.
It's nothing to do with lack of sex from you, it's just a stick to beat you with because it deflect away from what he is doing.
Start preparing for the inevitable. Move money if you can. Put all the valuable stuff he may take somewhere safe. Look at the financial situation, child maintenance, etc and see a solicitor.

I know it’s easy to be brain washed when you’re living this situation, but you know deep down it isn’t you. You also must know this is emotionally abusive and nowhere near a healthy marriage anymore.
Try and find evidence if that will give you more strength to know m it’s him not you. But you don’t need evidence, he’s treating you like shit, that’s enough.
Have you said to him this marriage seems over? I know having kids it’s not as simple as just “LTB” but you have to bring this situation to a head. Text/email him if he’s ignoring you/confrontations end in him listing all your faults.
Tell him his treatment of you is unacceptable, you think someone is involved, and he needs to leave now and give you space to figure out the next steps.

He is unfaithful. It is not your fault in any way at all.
You need to think about your future, without him.

You harridon, it's all your fault, don't you see? How dare you work full time and look after the DC and house - without help - and somehow manage not to have been smelling of BO, then manage sex twice a week with a man who doesn't help with DC and house !! Come on, seriously, why do some have a default of 'it must be me'? I'll tell you why, because somewhere you've missed that he's been verbally abusing you and grinding you down to the point where, he tells you it's your fault, and you believe it.
Well, you are not totally blinkered, you are right, there are more than enough signs. What you do is is 4 words ( after getting ducks in a row) " I want a divorce". Doesn't really matter if he's having an affair or not tbf, his behaviour is grounds.
Get your ducks in a row, then drop the bomb, anything less is being a walkover. Get respect, demand respect!

Thank you for the kind replies. It has been so hard. He has said some very horrible things. For example his brother doesn’t visit because I am so rude and mean to his kids. But I am not I get toys out play with them make them food etc. his son has some special needs and I try to be kind. Also I brought some presents for his parents and sisters and he started shout at me. Why did I buy this they have enough creams, they only like the really expensive ones. I was only trying to be nice.

last summer on holiday he got mad with our kids over something silly. He threatened to walk out, shouted, said he would fly home there and then. The kids were crying begging him to stay. I said how can you leave us in a foreign country. He replied you will cope . It was a terrible holiday.

sorry to go on I just need to get it off my chest. I have walked on egg shells for so long and now it has got so much worse. He told me the other day he could re marry tomorrow if he wants. This is partly why I think he has found someone else. It has got loads worse since Christmas.

If you are as bad as he is making out why hasn’t he moved out?

it sounds like he’s having an affair tbh OP and instead of growing some balls and leaving he’s convincing himself (and you) that it’s all your fault. Simply because he doesn’t want anyone to see him as the bad guy.

Why are you putting up with this man? What does he bring to your life?

@Hopingforbettertimesoon you have so much patience and understanding and frankly he sounds awful!

It's not necessarily an affair sometimes people go through big changes and want to reinvent themselves.

However what is concerning is how he treats you and the children - awful! You do everything around the house and he isnt thankful for it!!

I'm sorry you are going through this. Are you in a position to leave him?

You can vent in the thread, read what you had written and you will realise that is definitely not you. All my support.

I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing to be honest op
there’s a man in your house who until recently was unable to manage basic hygiene tasks, who is horrible to you and your children, and treats you with no love or respect.
so the cheating is irrelevant really, though hurtful, because you’re better off without him,
on you being a monster, that’s also a bit irrelevant really, because he is clearly awful and so his opinion isn’t really worth much. But lets say you are a terrible person like he says. In that case would it justify or make sense for him to stay living in the house with you, and to continue being horrible to you and the children? I don’t think so.
if you are such a monster why does he feel so comfortable being horrible to you? Surely he would be scared of you or how you might react.
if you are such a monster, why is that your children’s fault? Surely if you were so terrible he’d be spending more time with them to ‘save’ them from you?
he is brainwashing you and it’s hard to come through that fog. Well done for asking some questions and not just believing what he says

He's a nightmare

Kick him out due to the abuse then he can go wherever he likes

Slime ball 🤢

Why are you giving him all of the power in this relationship? Fuck that and fuck him. Tell him to get out and file for divorce.

Thank you all your replies are actually making me feel better. Like I’m not the crazy monster he says. I think I know deep down I’m an okay person. Just normal I make mistakes but try my best.

I grew up with an alcoholic distant father and a mother who I think could be described as controlling to the point of being narcissistic. I kind of always took the blame and got used to being good quiet and generally not upsetting the apple cart. So I think this is how I have behaved now.

i am scared if I leave of step parent and custody battles. I have painful experience of how a new female partner can appear perfect to everyone but make a child’s life hell and I am scared of putting my kids in that situation.

but the replies here are very helpful. I have so much to think about. Seeing my own words does make me realise how much I have put up with. And this is o lay such a tiny fraction

Brilliant- someone else can take him off your hands

I don’t quite get why you’re choosing to live like this , the justification that you fear another female, is very disturbing,

are you being completely honest. Can you afford to,leave. Are you scared of being alone?

Nobody here can tell you whether he's cheating or not, but I think it's fairly obvious that he's terrible for you. Even if - and just for argument's sake - he would be right that it's all your fault, he would still be terrible for you. You have someone who openly despises you and won't change. I can't see what would make you stay with him.

I'd be thrilled if he'd got someone else and would just pray she could house him.

This is no way to live. Start to get your ducks in a row. Whether he's seeing someone or not, he's not someone who is good for you.

I looked up pbp but not sure what you mean?

He listens to lots of pop music which he never did before

Red flat right there

Red flag 🚩

You make a good point. In my family some relatives really suffered at the hands of a step mum. I worry my husband will think a new partner is perfect and can do no wrong. Which is actually a weird thing to worry about I know when I have not even got to that stage yet.

I guess I need to cross my bridges when I come to them.

Just really worry about my kids. I am so scared of doing the wrong thing by them

I read on here something about mid life crisis scripts and my husband has so many red flags etc it almost seemed like he was playing directly from the script.

I understand you want to “do right by your kids” but your children are living in a turbulent household with an awful atmosphere. It is not healthy. It is your husbands choice to behave like this, he is the one not doing right by your kids.