My husband must be cheating to act like this?

[Hopingforbettertimesoon]

I am so nervous never posted before. My husband is doing everything that suggests he is seeing someone else. He has lost lots of weigh, goes to the gym all the time, started wearing deodorant and after shave. He has moved into the spare bedroom and refuses to even touch me. He listens to lots of pop music which he never did before and Is planning to go to Turkey to do a facelift!

I have tried to talk to him but he just gets angry and says I have caused him to act like this. He says I am a monster who has caused him untold emotional damage. He says I have rejected him too often. We used to have sex about twice week but he says I did not do enough. In my defence I work full time, do everything in the house and look after our kids. Also up until recently he often smelt of bo and had bad breath. I used to ask him nicely to wear deodorant but he refused saying it caused cancer.

He has changed so much. He refuses to eat food I cooked although in the past he said I was a good cook. Then he started to criticise saying it tasted terrible. He used to say plastic surgery was wrong now he is getting it.

I know I am not perfect but I am not the monster he thinks. But when he keeps saying it I begin to wonder if I am.

he shouts at the kids and spends hardly any time with them. I do everything. He started to change after our eldest son as born. But there was still some good periods. It has however got steadily worse.

I guess I just need to ask if this is all my fault. I have said to him we both have faults but he says no it is all me. If anyone heard what he says about me and how I have treated him I would be the worst person but deep down I don’t think I am. Not perfect but decent enough.

I think I need a bit of a hand hold or maybe to be told if I am wrong and I am a mistake monster. Please don’t be too hard though and say it nicely if you can.

The sad thing is whilst I do feel rejected and hurt at his behaviour there is part of me that agrees with all those who have said let the other person have him. Maybe it would be easier if he could just run off with someone and be happy.

we had ivf to have our 2 kids and it was him who had the problems. IVF was very hard on me. We were lucky that it worked both times but I was very sick the first time from the medication and ended up in hospital for 2 weeks and off work for 3 months. It was a twin pregnancy but one had no heartbeat at 8 weeks. But I am grateful as I know many people go through worse. Second time not so bad but I had anti natal depression not helped by husband as he was very difficult to please very controlling and kept arguing with my family. I ended up under the specialist team of mid wives for vulnerable women. Again we were blessed to have our second dc. But after this I said I could not face anymore ivf mentally or physically.

I would have loved more children and if it had happened naturally I would have been thrilled but ivf no I couldn’t face. H wanted more kids every couple of years he has mentioned it. But now I am over 45 so not an option. He has now turned around and said he wants more kids. Wants a baby. I told him I had made peace with things. I am grateful for the 2 dc and accept this. He said he could not. Which is to me saying he wants out of our marriage. I feel kind of used as I stood by him through his fertility problems. Now I reach an age too old to have kids he wants out.

this was one of the reasons I thought he might be having an affair. I do realise you cannot make someone stay with you. But I am so worried he will make life very difficult if we split up.

I kind of want to stay till the kids are older. I kind of get the feeling this is how he feels too.

sorry to go on so much. I guess I just need an outlet and to know I am not mad or bad! Just normal.

I agree - however unhappy he is it does not excuse his behaviour. And actually with the sex thing the mor mean he was to me the harder it was to get in the mood. He doesn’t see this or accept it though when I have trouble to explain. He has never done anything wrong as far as he is coming.

As far as he is concerned

OP, he is making life difficult while you are staying with him. How would his making life difficult be any different if you were separated or divorced? The only difference is that you would not be living with his difficult on a daily basis.
I would assume that you are not planning to make it difficult for your children to see his father, so they won't be losing a father. They will be gaining the opportunity to experience him in a less stressful environment.

No I would not make it difficult- I want them to have a good relationship with him. This is partly why I stay as I want them to have us both around. There are other reasons too. I worry he might fight for custody and stop or limit me from seeing them. I think his family might put pressure on him to do this. His family are a whole other story!

He so desperately wants you to end the relationship so he can "prove" you are the horrible one. Your marriage is over but let him be the one to leave. Be nothing but nice when you speak to him but do nothing else, no cooking, no washing, nothing. Take half of any savings tomorrow, get copies of all the statements etc. Get everything ready to go to a solicitor the day after he walks out. Play the long game, he will hate it and will be gone sooner than later. Live like you are a single parent, plan days out for you and your children, make life lovely for them, that way when he goes they will be used to not having him involved. Life will soon be easier and he will have to tell everyone he left you, it will kill him but everyone will see how awful he is.

Reading your thread, he’s not having a good relationship with your children.
Have you asked him why he’s staying if you make his life such a misery?
You mentioned he comes from a religious family, do they frown on divorce and that’s why he needs you to be the 1 calling time on the marriage?
Can you afford to spilt up?

@Hopingforbettertimesoon
I don't know where you live, but is there any reason to think that his parents will have any influence over what happens in the Court?
In the states if he would likely get 50/50 custody were he to ask for custody. For many women the most pressing concern is financial stability after the divorce. If that is not a major concern for you , and you are not going to impede his access in any way then you should act in your best interest.

You may determine that your best interest is to remain with him. In that case, you should figure how to restructure your life so that life with him approaches tolerable for you.

If you are staying for the kids, you should make it clear that you will not be questioning his sex life but that aspect of his life no longer involves you. You then have to be prepared to put aside questions or suspicions of cheating. You should insist upon discretion on his part and civility in the home. Be prepared for him to not want to feel rejected by you even if he no longer wants you.

You also need to be honest with yourself about what you really want. Some women and some men are willing to tolerate significant levels of unhappiness in their relationships for the sake of stability. There is no shame in making that choice, you are only accountable to yourself and your children for the decision that you make. If you decide to stay let it be as much as possible on your terms. In this case , you goal is to minimize the level of stress and acrimony in your daily environment. Sometimes clearly articulating expectations and boundaries in a manner in which both people feel respected can go a long way in reducing stress .

I’d tell him to leave op, if he thinks you are that bad then I’d ask him why he stays! I’d be packing his bags. Not a nice atmosphere for you and the children. Your children will be happier in a household where there is calm as you will also be.

I'm baffled as to why he wants more children when he doesn't sound like dad of the year as it is.

He's making excuses as to why you aren't 'good enough' for him. Unless there are safeguarding reasons why you shouldn't look after your children half the time if you split up, there is no risk of him 'winning custody'. I can't imagine that he would cope with 50/50 anyway, he's too busy planning to fly off to get his face done (why???!!).

You sound like such a lovely person, OP. I like the advice of continuing to be nice while making plans and saving money. If he wants out, let him be the one who leaves. You deserve so much better and your children deserve to be in a happy home X

It's super-unlikely he'd get sole residency of the children. On what basis do you think that would happen? It sounds like an unbased fear. Does he threaten you with this?

You're the primary carer, right? So removing them from you completely or the majority of the time would be a bizarre act by any court. Are you in the UK?

He might go for 50/50, more realistically.

You should try having a chat on the quiet with a solicitor, and get an idea of the realities of a split. You don't have to do anything with the information right now if you're not ready but at least you'd be working from solid knowledge.

And even if he did go for 50/50, it doesn't mean he'd get it, nor that he would sustain it.

I would suspect an affair.
I would be making a safety and escape plan. As other have said, try to sort money out, stash things that you value, know where all your paper work is etc and get ready to leave or get him to leave. It's not easy though it will take strength but the result will be worth the effort.
Next time he goes on about how awful you are look puzzled and confused and say ' why are you still gere if I'm that bad, it doesn't make sense. Go if I'm so awful '

Sounds plain old abusive to me and maybe had his head turned.
I feel for you. Sorry your kids don’t need that shit in their lives and neither do you. I left my abusive ex to protect my kids - well he had to leave as I reported him to the police.
Would you call womens aid? Do you have any real life support for yourself?
Yes you need to focus on yourself and your children. It’s not your responsibility to fix him.
What would happen if you said - if your not happy you can go?
Could you afford some therapy? These men are bully’s - he doesn’t treat anyone else like this. It’s not you.
Also take a look at Adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families. 🌺
Keep posting for support.

I have a feeling your life is about to begin!! Xxx

Your children are growing up thinking that this is normal. This will affect their future relationships.

Thank you for your advice. I think you are right he is pushing me to be the one to call time.

the kids are already used to him not being around. We do a lot of things just us and actually it is so much nicer. Calmer, easier just relaxed. We never know what will make him angry and any little thing can kick off a mood. Also he gets bored of things we want to do very quickly eg we go to a theme park and he wants to leave by 2.30!! When the kids and I go we stay till they chuck us out and lock the gates behind us. And we have fun. I know the things kids like might not appeal to an adult but he says let’s go but then seems like he does not really want to be there.

I agree about the weird thing of wanting more kids. He really cannot be bothered with dc. He said to me a couple of months ago he was ready and able to just start again, walk away and start from scratch. Sometimes I think he feels we are all a bit of a let down and he would do better a second time around.

I think the more kids is partly pressure from his mum. She is obsessed with people having babies. She has even said to me her other son is her only good child because he has 6 kids and the others are basically failures. This is despite her knowing about my husbands fertility problems and the ivf. I actually found her comments at the best thoughtless.

the kids are already used to him not being around. We do a lot of things just us and actually it is so much nicer. Calmer, easier just relaxed. We never know what will make him angry and any little thing can kick off a mood. Also he gets bored of things we want to do very quickly eg we go to a theme park and he wants to leave by 2.30!! When the kids and I go we stay till they chuck us out and lock the gates behind us. And we have fun. I know the things kids like might not appeal to an adult but he says let’s go but then seems like he does not really want to be there.
All of this means your children would be better off without him - they're living in a toxic environment, caused by your husband. Get them out of it.

Waiting until they're older just means they're living with an angry man who treats them like a nuisance, with the consequent damage to their self esteem. Home should be an emotionally safe space for your children, not under the shadow of his temper and moodswings.

Thank you for your reply. I looked up the adult children of alcoholics and I fitted so many of the criteria. It was very enlightening. I think for years I thought my home life was normal as so many of the people around us were similar. As an adult i was once talking to work colleagues about family Christmas traditions. I laughingly told them ours was my dad ending up in an and e with a drinking related injury or alcohol poisoning. It seemed to happen most years! They all looked at me shocked and said that’s not funny.

I probably have put up with more than I should have done from my husband. Looking back there were red flags and he did love bomb me and kind of push me into a serious relationship very quickly.

I hope things are going well for you and your kids. It is so helpful to have supportive understanding people sharing their ideas and thoughts.

Sorry I cannot reply to all comments but I am reading them all and finding them helpful. Thank you for all the support. This has become my place to vent. Husband is out again tonight. He is out virtually every night - the gym, friends, unknown destinations. If I ask him he gets angry asking why I need to know or makes up a weird excuse such as taking a friend to visit someone in hospital. But all his friends drive and he cannot give me a name.

I did say to him the other day that he does not even have the decency to make up a convincing lie. Also if he went missing and the police wanted to know where he went or who with I would have no idea.

he often leaves without saying goodbye. I pointed out the other day this is so rude and he is now saying goodbye but in a very off hand manner.

at the weekend we went to his brother’s house for dinner. The kids and I were having a nice time with his sister in law and kids. We had been there an hour and a half and my husband who had been in another room with his brother went and got in the car, he told one of the small kids to tell me we were going but I just thought he meant soon. After 10 mins he phones our eldest dc and starts shouting about being in the car waiting. The sil said but we haven’t even had pudding yet. My son had the phone on loud speaker and I could see she was shocked at how he was speaking to me. Also how rude to leave so soon! When we got home he went to the gym. Then came home showered and went out until 2am!

i can see he has totally checked out from us as a family.

There's no doubt he's having an affair. I'm so sorry that he is being so horrible to you. Please confront him about it and tell him to stop insulting your intelligence to think you actually believe his excuses!

@Northernmumoftwoboys
There is little doubt that he is unaware that th OP knows about his affair. He obviously does not care that she knows what he is about. There is little to be gained from confronting him about his behavior as long as she ,for whatever reason, is willing to continue living with him.

If or when she takes steps to end the relationship that will be the only confrontation that matters. In the interim, she gains little from.provoking argument in the environment which she has chosen to remain. She can not force respect from someone who has none to give. She will gain self respect when she becomes proactive on her own behalf.

Face lift in Turkey, eh

that doesn’t always go so well