My husband must be cheating to act like this?

[Hopingforbettertimesoon]

I am so nervous never posted before. My husband is doing everything that suggests he is seeing someone else. He has lost lots of weigh, goes to the gym all the time, started wearing deodorant and after shave. He has moved into the spare bedroom and refuses to even touch me. He listens to lots of pop music which he never did before and Is planning to go to Turkey to do a facelift!

I have tried to talk to him but he just gets angry and says I have caused him to act like this. He says I am a monster who has caused him untold emotional damage. He says I have rejected him too often. We used to have sex about twice week but he says I did not do enough. In my defence I work full time, do everything in the house and look after our kids. Also up until recently he often smelt of bo and had bad breath. I used to ask him nicely to wear deodorant but he refused saying it caused cancer.

He has changed so much. He refuses to eat food I cooked although in the past he said I was a good cook. Then he started to criticise saying it tasted terrible. He used to say plastic surgery was wrong now he is getting it.

I know I am not perfect but I am not the monster he thinks. But when he keeps saying it I begin to wonder if I am.

he shouts at the kids and spends hardly any time with them. I do everything. He started to change after our eldest son as born. But there was still some good periods. It has however got steadily worse.

I guess I just need to ask if this is all my fault. I have said to him we both have faults but he says no it is all me. If anyone heard what he says about me and how I have treated him I would be the worst person but deep down I don’t think I am. Not perfect but decent enough.

I think I need a bit of a hand hold or maybe to be told if I am wrong and I am a mistake monster. Please don’t be too hard though and say it nicely if you can.

OP, have a think about how your childhood has, and continues to effect you.

This is happening to your children right now and will continue into adulthood.

Please leave him.

It's "The script", they all do this when there is another woman because they are too gutless to take the blame.
My ex husband did it. He had been very happy in the marriage for 20 years and then as soon as the other woman came along suddenly he had never loved me and it had been the worst 20 years of his life. Whatever.
They must think we are stupid or something.

You're getting a lot of good help here. I was wondering where your anger is - must be there inside you somewhere. Righteous anger would help you to be more no-nonsense and straightforward with him. I sense you're treading on eggshells and probably afraid and intimidated. I'm rooting for you to get a bit more steely and pro-active. He is definitely mistreating you - and your kids.

Thank you all for your kindness and understanding. I feel kind of numb right now with everything. I know I should be angry but I’m not sure I know how. I’ve very rarely been very angry.

I am going to look at finding a counsellor. I have an appointment with the menopause clinic soon so I am going to ask them if it is part of their remit.

yesterday h got so angry later with the kids. He stood in the kitchen yelling at them. I was numb crying. Their faces were just in shock. He was shouting that they hated him. Especially the youngest. When they had left the room I said let them and me go back home. Sorry I am not saying countries I just want to keep a little bit back. He said in 2 years which is what we have discussed and planned for their education.

later he did apologise to them but I hate what he is doing. He was out for large parts of the day saying at one point he was going to buy underwear. He is constantly buying underwear we have enough for him to stock a department store.

he says this is because he can never find any clean . Which isn’t true it is clean if he looks just not always put away. But his draw is stuffed with under pants!

I did read the script he is definitely following it although it might be a translation copy as he said he respects me but doesn’t love me anymore. I still have a sense of Humor over these things. Maybe there was no direct translation for the I love you but am no longer in love with you!

I will find my strength I was looking at puppies for sale. This is something I am promising myself once I am free. My father would not allow dogs in the house and my husband does not like them. It once I am free I am getting a dog the kids agree and want one as well. I said once we move home hopefully we can get one.

I am going to max out my health insurance’s whilst I am here. I have booked to get teeth implants for some missing teeth and am going to get lots of health check ups.

h left to go and get his hair implants and face lift today. Not too sure when he will be back. He never left the name of the clinic or hotel. So at least the house is calm and quiet for a few days.

But i feel so numb right now. I have a few days off work but am streaming to get up and motivated. I have made the kids breakfast and had mine. Trying to eat healthy after a few days of binging on junk due to my feeling so low.

I just read my last post. How can he say he respects me when he treats me like this.

he has said some really weird things and I almost feel I cannot remember half of it! Stuff like he tried to change me. What does that mean? Why was he trying to change me?

sometimes I feel I could just give up and never get out of bed again. I won’t do this I will get up and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I have to for the kids. Am really hoping to get some strength over the next few days.

Sorry struggling to get up

He's an emotional manipulator.
When his problems get aired and someone tells him his issues which are plain as day to see. He will then point out various things about you and be horrible about it to take the spotlight off of him and his actions.

I feel so sad for you, OP.

You and your kids deserve much better.

He'a verbally abusive to you and your kids. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be abroad and feel like you have no way out.

I agree with PP, you should look for a counselor and get some help. Do you have any friends who could help you? How's your financial situation? Would you be able to leave him and take your kids somewhere else?

I think there is no way this will get any better with time. He is completely checked out and needs to make you the villain to justify his own actions.

I would focus on counseling and working out how to leave him so you and your DC can have better life together.

This must be so difficult & exhausting for you, but have you considered that he might not be having an affair but going through some mental health crisis? If you can’t persuade him to see his GP, an organisation like MIND could be able to give you some practically advice & support.
Best of luck

Everything sounds so tough right now, OP. I hope you find the strength to get out of this toxic situation that he has created.

Well husband is in turkey but things are strange.

he contacted me on imo but did not reply to any of my WhatsApp messages. He did contact our son on WhatsApp?

Am I over thinking this? He says he tested posits for covid so has to wait 3 days to retest. I almost wonder if he is actually not doing any procedures but is on holiday with someone and this is all some bizarre excuse? Maybe I am overthinking.

House is so peaceful.

nothing is straight forward with him and there are so many strange lies over the years. Pointless ones often so I don’t ever really know what the truth is with him.

I feel like I don’t know anything about him anymore. I even look at him and he looks so differently. He is styling his hair so differently, he wears different style clothes, walks differently. I look at him and think you are no longer my husband. He act so angry all the time. He isn’t the kind person I thought I married.

I'm so sorry, but everything points to the conclusion that he has already left you.

It's likely that he has started a relationship with someone younger, hence the pop music, facelift and gym.

And it's quite possible that person's male.

He sounds ghastly. Please don't get pregnant in a desperate attempt to keep him. He's already checked out, and I think you know that.

You've already said how much nicer a time you've had when he's not there. And how shocked others have been by his behaviour.

Do what is always suggested here and get on top of the finances. Check he isn't siphoning off family money to fund the affair - that money is your joint property, no matter who earns most. Know where the important docs are - passports, birth certs, mortgage details, bank and credit card stuff. Valuables like your jewellery and anything else important.

Consult a solicitor - find out where you stand, how divorce works, what the practicalities would be.

And have a calm, controlled businesslike conversation with him. Personally - I'd record it. Ask what he wants, what he intends, how he sees his future. Your future.

Because for all your sakes, this can't go on, can it. Time to take control over the rest of your life.

Thank you good advice I think you are right @JFDIYOLO

Even my eldest told me today he understands if we split up and not to worry something like 70% of marriages end in divorce. Bless him I apologised to him how everything was and said he would still see his dad and we both still loved him. I didn’t bring up the subject he did.

I want them to have the best relationship they can with their father as whatever has happened is between us and he is still their dad.

Yes husband has checked out. He has moved into the spare room. We are basic living separate lives in the same house. Ds1 over heard him on the phone to his father. Father in law was telling him to give it another chance and not give up on his wife and kids. H said it is too late but I will still do things with them. Eg go out to places as a family. Weird as I always thought his father didn’t like me but seems he was arguing my case!

I think this shows his family know something is going on and don’t really agree with it.

who knows - I keep thinking do I really need to know. I know enough to see he has checked out for whatever reason.

All the best.

Think pretty garden, lovely dog, nice days out with the children doing whatever you like, no more walking on eggshells, tantrums, insults, confusion ...

There is definitely something going on. When you say he walks differently now - can you say more?

@JFDIYOLO the walk is really weird like a look at me aren’t I wonderful strut! He used to just walk normally a couple of months ago it started to change to this new strut. It is weird and it gives me ick. When we go out he tries to hang back or walk on ahead to not be next to me at
all costs.

The other day at the mall I had gone into another shop and he was in the supermarket with the kids. They told me they saw one of his friend and the friend was waving trying to get h attention. But he didn’t see him (or pretended not to). Kids found it strange and told me later.

we went to a water park recently and he did his best not to be seen with us. Even in the evenings at the hotel he would not walk with us on the beach just stayed in the restaurant looking hugely sad. He looks either angry or sad like something terrible has happened. He plays on his phone the whole way through any meal looking at instagram or texting on what’s app or playing games. Even if he hates me why doesn’t he talk to the kids?

I found women’s new clothes in the car still in the bag. They disappeared that night. I didn’t ask him as I knew he would just lie. But my son couldn’t help himself. (It was actually my younger who found them). He said they are for his mum and he have to find someone visiting her country to deliver them. Um if you are looking for someone to take them why are they gone now. And they were not a style I have seen her wearing.

I think he had promised her he is not with me or we are living separate lives ( which we are because of how he is acting). So this is why he is trying so hard not to be seen with me. If he wants to leave he should go. Even stay and live separate lives but what really grates and gets to me is how mean and evil he is. If I say one thing he gets angry and twists it. Even good morning he starts saying ‘don’t try to make out every thing is normal after how you have treated me’.

if I do get angry he just says there you go you are a monster. I used to call him honey. Now if I forget and say honey he says don’t call me that you don’t have a right to. Just call me my name. He starts swearing saying things are shit. Even in front of the kids and his parents. He is very angry all the time.

it is classic script I know. Also I looked at some other links people suggest and it all fits the pattern of him having someone else. I don’t really know why he is starting. Well I do actually. The house we live in is paid for by his work. If he wants to move out it will be difficult. The contract on the house came up for renewal and he was saying we should move somewhere cheaper but I said no the kids have friend here and it is close to the school etc. he got angry but would not come out and say the real reason he wants to move. Later he said when he was angry we can get two smaller replaces and I said no I will stay here and you go rent a small studio. He started saying do you think I will ask you I will just do it. So basically he would chuck the kids and I out a rent a horrible place to put us in with no discussion or thought. He doesn’t care about uprooting them or how they might feel.

the stupid thing is them I feel like we’ll maybe I should just agree. But I know I would come off a lot worse in any changes. We would end up in an apartment in a bit so good area just so how (and probably his ow) could get somewhere nice.

That sounds horrible, OP.

Do you work? In your case I would start looking into divorce proceedings.
He is not interested in family life and your kids can see and feel it too.

You and your kids will have much happier and healthier life without him.

I totally understand your focus on the cheating, and yes I have no doubt from what you’re writing he is, but this is more than that. He is mentally and emotionally abusing his family and that includes his children.

I’ve skim read your posts but can’t see why you’re not proceeding with legal advice and getting ducks in a row. Your children’s comments sound more like hints they want out than concerns about you splitting up.

From what I understand this isn’t just recent he sounds abusive from the time of your pregnancies.

Your posts are really hard to read as I want to wrap you up and get you away from this bully. But the only one who can protect yourself from further harm is YOU.

I know this isn't something you want to hear but several things you've mentioned resonate with another core Mumsnet topic.

You've written about how his
walk has changed, how he has a new interest in grooming and appearance, and the bag of new women's clothes. Did you happen to notice the size? As in - would they fit him?

Good question!
Lack of any concrete proof and the fact he's not in a hurry to leave just yet might mean there isn't actually another woman, but something else is going on. Something that he might be beating himself up over and taking it out on his "loved" ones.

Reading your posts is so sad , he is a horrible selfish man and most definitely having an affair . Please take control and kick his dirty ass out ! How bloody dare he treat you like that ! A face lift ? My god talk about Ick

Thank you for such kind words. You are correct I have to be my own rescuer now. It will be painful, it won’t always be easy but it is the only way to get to the other side.

Honestly, just so sad for your kids now - he is abusing them and you are letting it happen. Regardless of affair, you have to get them out of this situation. Talk to citizens advice and get a solicitor, you need to get this moving.

Aww sweetheart it will be painful but also without all the abuse you are suffering daily so peaceful. I have reread your posts and it’s clear that your lovely children are absolutely by your side and want the best for you, their comments and own investigating his behaviour seems to make that clear.

I’m an IVF mum too and I totally understand how the fact you’ve fought so hard for your family unit can really cause such anxiety when you’re considering breaking it up BUT yours and your children’s mental and emotional safety must come first. Try not to sweat the small details as to what he’s up to and think about legal action to get what’s yours and where you need to be, away from this abusive man.

You deserve better than this, you truly do, and your children can see that.