My husband must be cheating to act like this?

[Hopingforbettertimesoon]

I am so nervous never posted before. My husband is doing everything that suggests he is seeing someone else. He has lost lots of weigh, goes to the gym all the time, started wearing deodorant and after shave. He has moved into the spare bedroom and refuses to even touch me. He listens to lots of pop music which he never did before and Is planning to go to Turkey to do a facelift!

I have tried to talk to him but he just gets angry and says I have caused him to act like this. He says I am a monster who has caused him untold emotional damage. He says I have rejected him too often. We used to have sex about twice week but he says I did not do enough. In my defence I work full time, do everything in the house and look after our kids. Also up until recently he often smelt of bo and had bad breath. I used to ask him nicely to wear deodorant but he refused saying it caused cancer.

He has changed so much. He refuses to eat food I cooked although in the past he said I was a good cook. Then he started to criticise saying it tasted terrible. He used to say plastic surgery was wrong now he is getting it.

I know I am not perfect but I am not the monster he thinks. But when he keeps saying it I begin to wonder if I am.

he shouts at the kids and spends hardly any time with them. I do everything. He started to change after our eldest son as born. But there was still some good periods. It has however got steadily worse.

I guess I just need to ask if this is all my fault. I have said to him we both have faults but he says no it is all me. If anyone heard what he says about me and how I have treated him I would be the worst person but deep down I don’t think I am. Not perfect but decent enough.

I think I need a bit of a hand hold or maybe to be told if I am wrong and I am a mistake monster. Please don’t be too hard though and say it nicely if you can.

Northernmumoftwoboys I think you are right he is. But the weird thing is I don’t feel I care any more. I was upset when I started this thread but today I don’t mind at all. In fact I would be happy for him to run off with her and leave us alone!

@Mari9999 yes I am not planning to confront him about it. I don’t see the point he will just deny it. In fact we are having very minimal conversations. I tried one more time to discuss things a few days ago. He told me he is only staying for the kids and wants to live separate lives under the same roof. He is hardly at home so it doesn’t make a lot of difference any way

Why the heck are you allowing him to treat you like this?? Kick his sorry arse out the door and burn his clothes in the garden ffs

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen Yep I have warned him. I have said you don’t need to do it. But he is determined. He even tried to turn it on me and say I told him to do it. I pointed out I have no interest in plastic surgery and he must have confused me with some one else. I know I would not have told him to do it. In fact I have told him multiple times not to.

@rockingbird The problem is if I did this he would use it against me. He is very manipulative and will try to make me look bad. Even my sister has warned me about this with him as she has noticed it too. I used to think when I was younger why didn’t people just leave but now I know it isn’t always that easy unfortunate. I admire all those brave people that do leave and I also understand those who don’t have their reasons and are doing the best they know how in their situation.

The good thing about this thread is it has made me realise I am not mad or bad. It is him who is manipulative and unkind. The last few days a small voice in my head has been saying you will be okay, you will get through this and be stronger.

I suspect there far more to this, we wants more children but nothing to do with you? I guess IVF doesn't involve intimacy.! You can't possibly limp along like this until the children are older and waste your own life allowing him to do as he pleases. By stbxh had an affair (several I suspect), he wouldn't leave and made life difficult.. so we went! Took some guts and many years of mental torture but I went in the end. All I did was prolong the inevitable.. please don't be me.

OP, things are not going to magically get better. He is not acting in your best interest, he is acting in his own self interest.

Until you start acting in your own best interest, no one will have your best interest or that of children as a focal point.

OP I feel very sorry for your children here. Well, and you obviously however they do not have any power to change this situation.

You do.

Hi op I had a terrible 17 year relationship. Terrible mental abuse everything was my fault I had 5 children with him it was the most horrific relationship. it took me 15 years to realise it was not my fault. like you I had a alcoholic parent it was my mother she was horrible my father left didn't see him again until I was 20 by this point my mum was dead due to drinking. So I honestly understand so much of how your feeling I also understand how hard it is to up and leave unless you have been in that situation it's easy for people to say get out leave. well no its hard but please I have been there it's hard but please do leave this man is destroying your life and your 2 beautiful children's.

Why does he want to stay for the kids when he never spends anytime with them.

He's using you as cover for his other life. But why do you care if he makes out your the bad one, the only person that needs to know the truth about him leaving is you!!!!

You're miserable as are the kids, get out or kick him out.

You're way too good for this dickhead. All the signs point to having an affair. If not, he's having some kind of breakdown.

Please leave him. He doesn't deserve you. He's treated you appallingly.

Thank you for all your support. I do know it needs to end. I have tried to look at my situation carefully. Sorry if this has come out bit by bit but we live abroad right now and leaving isn’t that easy. I hope in a few years we can move home then I will have more options.

I’m not sure why I am posting today. Having a horrible time really. No physical violence but everything I say upsets him. He blames this all on me. This morning I asked him to leave the address of the hotel and clinic he is going to for a face lift. He said fine I will phone but I said what if we need to contact you. I said it kindly but he started to shout and said I was nagging him. I asked
he said 4 times. I tried to explain it is normal to leave such details. He said no I always start an argument. But I think either he is mad or I must be. How is this starting an argument.

I said I really wasn’t and I felt his reaction was starting the argument. I asked him again to consider counselling. He went out of the room and then came back saying I hurt him every time I said this. How would I feel if he kept saying it to me. But he is always telling me to go to doctors dentist etc even when I don’t need to.

He is so calm and maybe I am very bad and do start e everything. I guess I am just asking if I was wrong to ask him for the address. Also he didn’t just say yes or no he kind of gave a non answer I will call the kids everyday.

there is so much more I could post but need to stop now

I cannot talk easily to anyone. I am trying not to say anything bad to the kids and to keep them out of it. My parents are elderly and I don’t want to worry them. Also my mother doesn’t listen she just turns it back to herself and what she has suffered. But she has in fact been the bully to my father. I could talk to my sister but is hard as we would have to Skype and it’s not very private.

My mother says things like I would never let anyone treat me like that. How come you don’t go mad and attack him. I’m just end up feeling weak and stupid for getting in this situation.

everything my husband says is my fault. I am a nag and have withheld sex and affection. But he is the one who refuses to touch me. He says I have psushed him to this. He used to come to bed several hours after me and try to wake me from a deep sleep for sex. I would often not even remember properly saying no and going back to sleep. I was truly exhausted from work and looking after the kids. Now he says i rejected him too much. But we did still have sex about twice a week or at least once a week. It hurts me that he blames me. I feel I must be less of a woman as I don’t always want sex every night.

In fact I feel like a dried up old hag. Who only nags and everyone must hate.

sorry for all the woe is me whinging. I’m just using this as an outlet.

I feel sorry for my kids as I must be a terrible person if everything he says is true.

He tells me he is the calm reasonable one and I am unreasonable and nagging. I have sent him mad and caused every problem. he is constantly listening to love songs even in languages neither of us speak. The other day he started to teach the kids some word in one of these languages. I said how come you know these are you learning the language. I know I should not have said this. I new he would get an angry. It just came out in an unguarded moment. But why is he knowing all these words. Obviously he is free to learn any language he likes so I felt bad for asking. I said it in a jokey way.

but he used to constantly accuse me of stuff. Like if I mentioned someone from work. But I was completely innocent.

I have read a lot about how a sexless marriage affects men and I guess I am partly to blame. But as I said before we didn’t have a sexless marriage (until now when he has decided- I have tried to initiate but he turns me down).

okay it wasn’t swinging from the chandeliers but is it when you are exhausted, have kids, walk on eggshells all the time.

if/when we do split up I plan to plant a garden and get a dog. I know I will never have sex again as how can we hold onto any relationships when I am obviously so useless at it. As he has told me so many times how I have ruined him.

OP, I wonder whether you might consider having some sessions with a counsellor on your own? It would be a great place for you to talk things through. I expect that, after a few sessions, you may begin to see what we can all see - that you will be much happier separated from your husband. It would be really useful for you to explore your own patterns of behaviour in relationships. Good luck.

OP what country are you in? I don't think you can hold on until a few years til you return to somewhere else. Or if you do, you must start talking to someone and help to build yourself up. Your husband is an absolute bastard and he does not respect you, he is just trampling on you.

As a previous poster said, you should go for counselling / therapy. I can just imagine the wool being pulled from off your eyes and the amazing strength you will feel, and that will pull you through this.

Wherever you are now, is it culturally acceptable for women to leave husbands? Sorry I just gave no idea where you are and you mentioned some part of the family being very religious.

Please please don't talk yourself down. You know none of it is true, but don't give that voice any attention. Xxx

A sexless marriage will affect everyone.

But that's when you take the time to find out why it is sexless.

You don't get aggressive and hostile.

Op, it sounds like you're living a nightmare. I'm so sorry. Please can you leave?

My ex was just horrible over the years and I've pieced it all together that when he had a girlfriend (at least four throughout our marriage) when was he was his most toxic and aggressive. The last time was when he attacked me and twisted my head to the point where I was blacking out.

Don't let it get that far. Remember, it never gets better. It only ever gets worse.

its really not you its him. Please believe that.

I also think he is gay.

can you get some counselling to help you plan and work out your future?

@Landndialamrhf ·
I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing to be honest op
there’s a man in your house who until recently was unable to manage basic hygiene tasks, who is horrible to you and your children, and treats you with no love or respect.
so the cheating is irrelevant really, though hurtful, because you’re better off without him,

This absolutely!

Enjoy getting your dog and walking him!

Whether he's cheating or not, he's being totally selfish and giving you nothing good. He might even be enjoying dumping on you and making you the bad guy, assuming he still had someone to do his laundry and make us meals because of course you wouldn't leave.

I'd upset his apple cart if I were you. He'll villanise you and accuse you of hurting the kids of course, but it's all him.

Yes you said before you don't really have anyone to talk to about this in real life. So I also wonder if having an experienced professional to open up to might help you process the awful things he's putting you through, and see your own future with your kids clearly and in a positive light.

I wouldn't tell him about it though, if you do see a therapist. He might be ignorant or manipulative enough to try to say it's because you're crazy etc. And you're definitely not. You seem to be the level headed one, the actual adult in this relationship. You deserve to have your own space and time to focus on your happiness. God knows he's making sure he has that for himself!

He has played mind games with you for years and is now blaming everything on you when you're the one trying your hardest to understand and respect him.

I'm glad you've already got to the point where you can see how much better off you and the kids would be if you all didn't live with this man. You sound like a lovely mum and they need you to protect yourself and them from his abuse. You're not the only one who recognises the harm he's causing - remember his sister-in-law's face when she overheard him on the phone. It's not right and you deserve so much better.