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Original poster

Age gaps

125 replies

DorindaH · 31/03/2023 19:11

Do you think age is only just a number, or do you think it's better to date people of similar age?

As someone who is 43 what age gap do you think is too big if looking for something long term? I'm generally not interested in men over 50.

OP posts:
MacarenaMacarena · 31/03/2023 21:30

What if your perfect match is 55? Keep your options open to find your best partner!

Rainbowqueeen · 31/03/2023 21:36

I think “age is just a number “ is a saying used by people to justify age gaps and nothing more. I would not date more than 5 years either side of my age. I want to enjoy my retirement with someone of a similar age who is more likely to be in a similar position not spend it as a carer.

There’s far more likely to be a power imbalance in age gap relationships.

Im not saying they can’t be successful but there’s a lot of pitfalls and it’s just not for me

MaximumPleasure · 01/04/2023 05:59

10 years either side

MaximumPleasure · 01/04/2023 06:01

All things being equal at 43 I would think appropriate ages 34 to 55

WhenDovesFly · 01/04/2023 06:06

I generally wouldn't go more than 5-6 years older. I'm late 50s and started seeing a guy 13 years older who was already semi-retired. When he fully gives up in the near future he wants to do lots of travelling, but I'll still be working full time for years and wouldn't be able to share that with him. I didn't want to become his carer either, as he had a few health issues that could deteriorate.

aurynne · 01/04/2023 06:20

It depends on what you find attractive. I fancy men my age or younger, so that's my perfect age gap.

TeaandLemonDrizzle · 01/04/2023 06:47

After coming out of a marriage to a man 10 years older, I’d now say no age gap bigger than 3 years. It really does make a difference.

hattie43 · 01/04/2023 08:08

I think no more than 10years for me personally but as someone else said they'd have to be at the same stage of life and the same goals eg both retired wanting to travel or both still working wanting to move to the country type thing .
People talk about age gap relationships breaking down as if same age relationships don't break down . Most breakdowns are same age because statistically more people are with similar age partnerships .

blebbleb · 01/04/2023 08:26

I'd say 5 years either way. Maybe 10 for a fling, but I don't find older men attractive. My mums husband recently died at 81, she is 59. They were together 20 years but at the end she was doing everything for him which included toileting. Can't guarantee a long life but I wouldn't want to put myself in a situation like that. Im 3 months older than my husband and my ex was less than a year younger than me. You tend to have more in common, same interests tv shows etc and grew up in the same era.

adriftabroad · 01/04/2023 08:34

TeaandLemonDrizzle · 01/04/2023 06:47

After coming out of a marriage to a man 10 years older, I’d now say no age gap bigger than 3 years. It really does make a difference.

After one of 18 years (gap) and 19 year marriage I would agree. No No No. 5 years tops.

It gets more and more difficult. With everything.

PaintedEgg · 01/04/2023 10:11

In my opinion age gaps matter only when one side is very young (up to mid 20s). When you're 20 even 5 years can mean a lot of difference in life experience and there may be power imbalance. Let alone 10 or 20 years...

But as we get older that difference diminishes and age alone does not impact the relations as much.

I'm 14 years younger than my husband but it only comes up when we tease each other about it. We were at VERY similar stages in life when we began dating and I honestly cannot say he has more life experience than I do. It all depends on the particular subject.

For example, he has a child and we're expecting our first one now. He has more experience with the medical appointments and all that stuff so I lean on him for advice quite a bit. On the hand I handled most of the process of our house purchase because I had some experience with real estate. Just two examples of where different life experiences can work together :)

If one of us was this young person with NO life experience and the other a worn down life veteran I don't think we'd get along as well.

Canyoureadmymind · 01/04/2023 10:22

I know somebody who's 28 and her partner is 62. They've been together for 7 years and have 2 children together. I've always felt uncomfortable by the fact that they got together when she was 21 and him 55 but I keep that to myself.

Liorae · 01/04/2023 10:25

MacarenaMacarena · 31/03/2023 21:30

What if your perfect match is 55? Keep your options open to find your best partner!

Unless you're a man, in which case any age gap is "icky" and "grim".

DigitalTranny · 01/04/2023 10:27

It depends whether you want something more romantic or just plain carnal.
With carnal you can go with a wide age gap. But if you are planning long term, then it’s better to narrow it down to max 8 years plus or minus.

Watchkeys · 01/04/2023 10:30

There's no 'too big'. It's about the individuals. This works for some couples and not others. It's just that if two people the same age break up, they don't blame their age. People with a gap do.

Aprilx · 01/04/2023 10:31

I think five year max either way. I once dated somebody who was 14 years older than me (when I was in my 20s) and it didn’t seem so bad but now I am in my early 50s I wouldn’t want to be with a retiree, I would like us to retire close together.

Canyoureadmymind · 01/04/2023 10:36

I do think there's a lot of stigma about age gaps when there shouldn't be if two parties are consenting adults. Especially an older woman with a younger man, people can be quite rude about it.
The only one I found disturbing recently was James Argent aged 35 with his 18 year old girlfriend. If she were in her 20s ok but I find that gap highly irresponsible of him.

Watchkeys · 01/04/2023 11:34

Canyoureadmymind · 01/04/2023 10:36

I do think there's a lot of stigma about age gaps when there shouldn't be if two parties are consenting adults. Especially an older woman with a younger man, people can be quite rude about it.
The only one I found disturbing recently was James Argent aged 35 with his 18 year old girlfriend. If she were in her 20s ok but I find that gap highly irresponsible of him.

Why is it irresponsible, if you respect the idea that consenting adults shouldn't be stigmatised for having relationships with an age gap? Is she not an adult in your eyes? What does 'adult' mean?

DigitalTranny · 01/04/2023 11:54

Canyoureadmymind · 01/04/2023 10:36

I do think there's a lot of stigma about age gaps when there shouldn't be if two parties are consenting adults. Especially an older woman with a younger man, people can be quite rude about it.
The only one I found disturbing recently was James Argent aged 35 with his 18 year old girlfriend. If she were in her 20s ok but I find that gap highly irresponsible of him.

I think most men don’t want to be known as being in a relationship with an older woman anyway, not because they don’t feel the attraction but some of them are immature and don’t want to be seen with an older woman in front of their mates and family.

Canyoureadmymind · 01/04/2023 12:12

I was talking in a general sense, but 18 is literally just an adult.

Watchkeys · 01/04/2023 12:14

Canyoureadmymind · 01/04/2023 12:12

I was talking in a general sense, but 18 is literally just an adult.

Yes, exactly. What is a better age? If it was legally 19, you'd be saying the same if she was 19. If it was legally 17, you'd be saying the same if she was 17.

She's an adult, legally. There's no halfway mark.

Canyoureadmymind · 01/04/2023 12:19

...
Yes she is legally an adult, but I can only imagine that if your 18 year old son or daughter was dating someone in their mid/late 30s that you'd have plenty to say about that.

Canyoureadmymind · 01/04/2023 12:20

There's a difference between two adults with an age gap dating, and dating someone who is almost a teenager.

MaximumPleasure · 01/04/2023 12:23

Definitely creepy for a 35 to be with a 18.
It's not about being consenting adults, though there is a moral and ethical element to relationships it's not purely legal. If you cheat on your girlfriend it's not illegal. It's quite stark and naive to pretend it's just about being legal. A 16 year old is legal to have sex in the UK do you really not think a 16 and 40 year old not creepy? @Watchkeys
James is a messed up guy in many ways.

5128gap · 01/04/2023 12:25

Age isn't just a number. An age gap is a significant factor in a relationship, the bigger the gap, the more significant, and its naive to pretend otherwise. Age gap relationships can work very well, but part of that is an acknowledgement of the differences and potential issues that would not be a factor in a same age relationship; and being completely honest with yourself about whether you can deal with them, and whether its worth it.

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