Age gaps

[DorindaH]

Do you think age is only just a number, or do you think it's better to date people of similar age?

As someone who is 43 what age gap do you think is too big if looking for something long term? I'm generally not interested in men over 50.

I'm early 40's and any new partner I have would ideally be 40-46, so 2/3 years either way maximum. I'm not keen on having a partner from a different generation.

This is something to consider and something I did consider (my husband will be in mid 70s when I hit 60), and I take what comes. If he got sick now, I would still take care of him - after all, I love this person. He would be the same person even sick and old.

As it stands, I have dementia running in family - he is also risking being in his 80s and having a wife who does not remember his name.

Yes of course, being at different life stages is a huge factor, which is one of the reasons why I prefer dating closer to my own age. Although even at similar ages, you may be at different life stages, like you mentioned in regards to women taking a backseat in their careers at some point.

I was talking more from an emotional naivety standpoint. If I knew a 22 year old woman with a 30 year old man, I would be more inclined to worry about her, than if I knew a 32 year old woman with a 40 year old man.

I definitely agree with the emotional naivety - from personal experience.

I’m currently going through a divorce (my doing) due to a whole host of issues probably with the age gap at the root cause. I was very inexperienced and naive at 19 when I met my husband (aged 30 at the time). I was at university at the time. I hadn’t lived as an adult in the real world (even as a student as I commuted in from home).

Marriage ended up sexless for well over a decade. No affection, nothing. Why? Because I wasn’t attracted to him. I’d woken up.

He has now semi-retired (aged 61) and is now showing signs of health problems. He’s just been diagnosed as diabetic (type 2).

I have missed out on so much. And, yes, I’ve been with someone my own age since we split and what a difference on all counts!!!

It is my biggest regret that I didn’t listen to family concerns (especially from my older brothers) about the age gap. It certainly became more apparent once I hit 30-35.

He is a nice person though - so I’d lived with it!! Lit a fire to keep someone else warm, basically.

What about Britney who's 13 years older than her husband, and they've been together since he was 22/23?

@Canyoureadmymind I wouldn't exactly call that a loving stable relationship! But then I don't think the age gap is the only issue there.

You are right there, sadly...
The other couple that comes to mind is Tom Daley and his husband who's 20 years older, they've been together for 10 years since Tom was 18..
The husband does look very good for 48 and there doesn't look 20 years between them.

I think "very serious" relationships when young are generally a bad idea. I got together with my ex when I was very young and despite similar ages I missed out on a lot of stuff because we grew up into very different people.

In the end he was so far behind I felt like I had a big, fat leech weight attached to my leg slowing me down and sucking out my life

When I was in my 20's I dated a guy 17 years older, made no difference to every day life

My dh is 1 year younger

My DP is 54, I'm 60 - been together 4 years. I like this age gap. Men seem to age more quickly than women once they hit 50 (with some amazing exceptions of course), so I think we're just about at the same stage of life. It's not obvious which of us will decline first in the future etc. He fully expects to be my carer but I've been around long enough to know it could well be the other way round. Time will tell. He's kind and yummy and I can't believe my luck!

How old is his child?

I think having and not having a child puts you in a different life experience stage.

assuming this question is for me - I've my step-daughter when she was nearly 4. I know people my age who had children older than this (I was 27 when my husband and I started dating).

I don't think having children is a "stage" - not everyone wants children or will ever have them, and people definitely don't all have children at the same age. To me this definitely sits in the "life choice" category. It may be different if partner's children are much older, but then again I know someone who said she'd only date a man with children if his children were adults or nearly adults.

Would you say that a woman who had a child at 19 is at more advanced life stage than a childless 40yo? Probably not.

I'm currently ending an 8 years relationship with my OH - he's 23 years older.

It's heart breaking, emotionally draining, and logistically tricky as we live abroad together with no family/friends nearby and some days I feel like continuing in the relationship for easiness sake, but then I come here and read experiences of other people who have experienced a similar age gap and what it's like later in life and it reaffirms my choices.

Not because everyone has a crap time in an age gap relationship, but the ones who make it work do so because they're so sure of their relationship now.

I wholeheartedly believe that an age gap can be worth it if you're 110% sure of the relationship and the person in the here and now, the present day makes everything worth it down the line, and it's likely that one partner will become a carer at some point later in life regardless of age (albeit it's likely to be for longer with an age gap).

But given my present doubts (different family values, intimatcy level, and other smaller things), I couldn't justify the difficulties that lie ahead, as much as he's a wonderful person and we're both hurting right now.

And honestly speaking, I need a pep talk to get me through what feels like a horrendous mess right now - I'm 32 and being single after such a stable relationship is scary as hell, but I'm hoping it will all be worth it in the end.

I've known 95 year olds who are still sound of mind and mobile, Vs 65 year olds with dementia and incontinent. It's really not a guarantee that one partner 'will become a carer '. Yes, it's a little more likely but people are talking like it's a given.

Right now, with all our parents in their late 80s and simultaneously needing huge input, and all the next generation in their 50s, still working flat out and knackered, I do slightly wish we had some age gaps in there.

I have this unexpected envy for a friend whose husband is 15 years younger. She’s similarly busy looking after her own late 80s parents, but at least her in-laws are newly retired and gleefully globetrotting.

I am also 43. My DH is 13 years older and is 56 now (which is hard to believe! lol). For me, he looks & acts 10 years younger than his age. He dresses well, and loves his sports cars. His hobby keeps him young too.

I've never felt any age gap between us (married for 18 years, 19 years together).

I was looking for my DH, not more than 10 years older:). I was 25 when I met him, he was 37.5. He surprised me with how compatible we were and are at all levels.

I would allow a bit of flexibility just in case your True Soulmate is a bit older. +10/-10 years is ok to consider. I agree.

Once the relationship stops working it stops working - whether it's because of age or anything else. Sometimes people simply change with time and while they were compatible years earlier they may never see eye to eye again.

On bright side - treasure years you've enjoyed and look forward to the future :)

I wouldn't go more than 3/4 years either way, especially older. As we get older, most people are likely to suffer ill health and if you have a big age gap its going to be very different for each person in the relationship. My uncle is married to a woman 12 years older than him, she has retired, but has ill health, and he still has 6 years of working ahead of him, they are unlikely to be able to enjoy much retirement together, as by the time he retires she'll be nearly 80

@PaintedEgg thank you and I totally agree! The issues I'm having are regardless of age, the element of age gap just makes it harder to continue with plodding along in the present, so is prompting me to act now rather than later!

I'd say 5-8 years max. I'm 46. I don't fancy guys in their 60s. I'd rather be single.

Johnny Rotten from Sex Pistols has sadly lost his wife who had Alzheimer's, she was 80 him 67, but they were together over 50 years. Sadly he did become her carer but he was very devoted to her

Just found out that they got together when he was 19 and her 32/33

I think they are an example of big age gap that did work out - they had a loving relationship throughout their lives and he never once voiced any sort of complain about being her carer. For all his problematic views / behaviours, it has to be given to him that he really did love her and was very devoted to her

My DH is 12 years older than me. We've been together 15 years. It hasn't mattered at all yet but I'm aware that when I'm in my 60s and he's in his late 70s that may be a very different situation. But I decided quite early on that you really don't know what life has ahead for you so you just have to embrace what seems to be the right direction when it appears to you.
We met IRL. If I was doing OLD I probably would have set a 5 year limit. It's ok to have an ideal in mind