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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP gone AWOL all night

477 replies

JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 06:11

Been with my DP for 3 years. He's lived with me for 6 months but also has his own flat a 40 min bus ride from me (we are in London). We've been discussing renting out his flat, marriage plans and just booked an expensive once in a lifetime holiday for the summer. We are mid 30s if relevant.

We had an argument yesterday evening around 7pm - I was annoyed he wasn't doing more around the house. Despite being super clean/tidy at home, he doesn't make much effort since living with me. Obv a concern I want to address before we go down the marriage path. He got cross and told me he was going back to his flat as didn't want to talk about it anymore. Fine. He does this sometimes if - will either go for a long walk to calm down or go home for a few hours to get some space. Tbf he hasn't done it in a long time since I told him I don't mind the long walk to think things over but think going home is unnecessary drama.

This time however, his phone is switched off/unavailable which is unlike him. And I haven't heard from him since he left. He's never awol like this all evening/night and we always talk and resolve things after an argument after a few hours. My first thought was to be pissed off that maybe he's being petty/punishing me for nagging him (even though it's unlike him). But it's now 6am and his phone is still switched off, he hasn't been online since early afternoon yesterday, and I'm wondering if something happened. He's not usually active on social media so no way to check that.

I'm debating going to his flat to check now (which would delay me for work) but also don't want to give him the satisfaction if he is indeed being petty. If I do go into work though I'll be 2 hours away from his flat with no way to check on him till evening.

He wouldn't be at any friends as none live close by, he doesn't do drugs and even when drunk always remembers to charge/have his phone switched on. He's on days off this week so no need to be at work. What would you do? Check on him or leave him and wait to hear from him.

OP posts:
randomuser2019 · 30/03/2023 11:59

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ShirleyPhallus · 30/03/2023 12:02

Best of luck to you OP, I hope he’s ok but also sounds like you need a serious chat

CleaningOutMyCloset · 30/03/2023 12:02

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This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

My thoughts too Grin

randomuser2019 · 30/03/2023 12:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

LongTermLurker · 30/03/2023 12:05

pinkoveralls · 30/03/2023 11:57

ChatGPT?

Show quote history

Ha! I was wondering exactly the same thing.

OP - sorry ypu're going through this. I would be really worried too (and absolutely furious if it turned out to be a deliberate manoeuvre on his behalf!

Boltonb · 30/03/2023 12:08

I’ll simplify.

He’s a dick.

You’re overreacting, and it’s totally inappropriate to have contacted his friend.

He’s manipulative and lazy.

You’re chasing a relationship that he’s not particularly into. Having his own flat to escape you, how is that going to work when you live together/get married? It’s a non starter.

Boltonb · 30/03/2023 12:10

Also, comparing a man in his thirties having a sulk, with Sarah Everard is DISGUSTING

BringBackTeletext · 30/03/2023 12:13

Hope all is OK

MaryPoppinsHat · 30/03/2023 12:15

Boltonb · 30/03/2023 12:10

Also, comparing a man in his thirties having a sulk, with Sarah Everard is DISGUSTING

Have you even read the updates?? There is reason to be concerned.

I would also worry about my DH walking home in parts of London at night and whether he had been mugged/ injured.

And contacting friends/ family is what you do if you're concerned!

Original poster
JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 12:22

Boltonb · 30/03/2023 12:08

I’ll simplify.

He’s a dick.

You’re overreacting, and it’s totally inappropriate to have contacted his friend.

He’s manipulative and lazy.

You’re chasing a relationship that he’s not particularly into. Having his own flat to escape you, how is that going to work when you live together/get married? It’s a non starter.

I own my flat too and he only moved in with me because mine is marginally bigger. So he doesn't keep his flat to escape me, we keep it in case living together doesn't work out, neither of us end up homeless/paying ridiculous rent/unable to own again. Right now that seems like a great idea as if we do have to end things, moving out will be a lot easier and quicker for him and me. If we get married, we've agreed to sell both and buy somewhere together.

Also, bit of a stretch to say I'm chasing a relationship with a man who has moved into my flat despite having his own. You're being vicious for no reason.

OP posts:
smizing · 30/03/2023 12:22

MaryPoppinsHat · 30/03/2023 12:15

Have you even read the updates?? There is reason to be concerned.

I would also worry about my DH walking home in parts of London at night and whether he had been mugged/ injured.

And contacting friends/ family is what you do if you're concerned!

Show quote history

Have you even read the updates?? There is reason to be concerned.

Where are the posts that suggests OP should be concerned?

Just a man child having a huff after an argument. Life goes on.

winningeasy · 30/03/2023 12:23

Defo go over. It's been ages now. 9/10am would be the latest I'd wait for him to wake up - good luck OP x

OhwhyOY · 30/03/2023 12:26

Hope everything turns out OK OP. Fingers crossed he just got drunk and didn't realise his phone was off or something. Him being fine is the most likely scenario but I get why you're worried. I'd go over there too - and if he is fine I'd still want to go over there to give him a piece of my mind for causing so much worry!

Sainsburysbunny · 30/03/2023 12:30

Did you find him OP?

Urghfedup · 30/03/2023 12:32

The storming off is completely unacceptable. It’s abusive behaviour. My partner storms off. It is a control tactic designed to scare. By all means be the good citizen and get someone to check on him but take this as the warning sign it is. I’m 16 years down the road. I have high blood pressure due to the constant stress and walking on eggshells constantly. Don’t be me.

ShirleyPhallus · 30/03/2023 12:33

JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 12:22

I own my flat too and he only moved in with me because mine is marginally bigger. So he doesn't keep his flat to escape me, we keep it in case living together doesn't work out, neither of us end up homeless/paying ridiculous rent/unable to own again. Right now that seems like a great idea as if we do have to end things, moving out will be a lot easier and quicker for him and me. If we get married, we've agreed to sell both and buy somewhere together.

Also, bit of a stretch to say I'm chasing a relationship with a man who has moved into my flat despite having his own. You're being vicious for no reason.

Show quote history

Yeah that was unnecessarily horrible. No need

lunar1 · 30/03/2023 12:34

I think you are doing exactly the right thing. Any person male or female should have someone realise when their behaviour is out of character and look out for them.

If all is fine and he's just sulking somewhere the op can have a massive row and probably break up.

If all isn't fine and she had the attitude of some on here it could have a horrific outcome.

I hope he turns up soon 💕

Hannahbananaana · 30/03/2023 12:39

You’re doing the right thing! I too would be worried as it does sound out of character. I would also like to think if I lived on my own and someone close to me hadn’t heard from me when they usually do and my phone was off, that they would check on me, not just leave me for days. Some people are too blaze about things like this!

MaryDerry · 30/03/2023 12:41

I would also be checking on them in the light of them not communicating with friends or contacting their father.
I don't think making sure they are OK is manipulative. If they are safe sound and punishing you - that is manipulative.

tattygrl · 30/03/2023 12:45

I agree so much with PP saying that it's important/valuable that we have people in our lives who can spot out of character behaviour. Doesn't automatically mean something drastic has happened, but isn't this part of the point of relationships, friendships and community? So that we can look out for each other in a basic way? Being aware of uncharacteristic behaviour and acting on it is very normal, understandable and sensible. Hope all is well when you get to his, OP.

Sparklfairy · 30/03/2023 12:49

Have to say my first thought was he was having a strop - been there with an ex! - but with the updates I'm glad you're going over there. I do hope he's okay, and you are too OP Flowers

mae2014 · 30/03/2023 12:49

OP - Have you checked in on him yet? X

Sneakyblinders · 30/03/2023 12:53

I would be worried but if he's fine, I would then be really annoyed. Hope he's just at his flat without a charger!

Mycoffeemugismassive · 30/03/2023 12:53

I agree to check in - if anything you’re doing a welfare check - not chasing the relationship. Then have a good chat about it all.

Hope all is well OP! And good luck!

Canwedoit4 · 30/03/2023 12:55

Personally I would go and check, I've had something recently which was similar situation. DH went off after an argument, didn't return I just thought he was sulking although it isn't his usual style! Got a call from the police the next day, he had been detained under section 136 mental health after he was found throwing himself into oncoming traffic trying to end his life - i had no idea he was feeling so low he wanted to end his life. If he had died I would never have forgive myself for not checking on him. Just go for your own peace of mind.