Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP gone AWOL all night

477 replies

JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 06:11

Been with my DP for 3 years. He's lived with me for 6 months but also has his own flat a 40 min bus ride from me (we are in London). We've been discussing renting out his flat, marriage plans and just booked an expensive once in a lifetime holiday for the summer. We are mid 30s if relevant.

We had an argument yesterday evening around 7pm - I was annoyed he wasn't doing more around the house. Despite being super clean/tidy at home, he doesn't make much effort since living with me. Obv a concern I want to address before we go down the marriage path. He got cross and told me he was going back to his flat as didn't want to talk about it anymore. Fine. He does this sometimes if - will either go for a long walk to calm down or go home for a few hours to get some space. Tbf he hasn't done it in a long time since I told him I don't mind the long walk to think things over but think going home is unnecessary drama.

This time however, his phone is switched off/unavailable which is unlike him. And I haven't heard from him since he left. He's never awol like this all evening/night and we always talk and resolve things after an argument after a few hours. My first thought was to be pissed off that maybe he's being petty/punishing me for nagging him (even though it's unlike him). But it's now 6am and his phone is still switched off, he hasn't been online since early afternoon yesterday, and I'm wondering if something happened. He's not usually active on social media so no way to check that.

I'm debating going to his flat to check now (which would delay me for work) but also don't want to give him the satisfaction if he is indeed being petty. If I do go into work though I'll be 2 hours away from his flat with no way to check on him till evening.

He wouldn't be at any friends as none live close by, he doesn't do drugs and even when drunk always remembers to charge/have his phone switched on. He's on days off this week so no need to be at work. What would you do? Check on him or leave him and wait to hear from him.

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 30/03/2023 12:56

I wholly agree with you OP, after that length of time and no contact with anyone I'd also be concerned too (or wonder if he's lost the phone or left it at yours)

Hope you've got in touch and all is ok

Zonder · 30/03/2023 12:57

Given that he hasn't been in touch with his dad or best friend I think it'd perfectly normal for you to worry. Even his bf doesn't think this is normal behavior for him.

MyriadOfTravels · 30/03/2023 13:02

I'd be really annoyed if my other half had half of my friends and family out looking for me after a row.

@CleaningOutMyCloset you mean you’d be upset if you behaved in a really unusual way, for all I tend and purposes disappeared for nearly 24 hours and a someone close to you, your partner, decided that it was worrying and would check if you are ok???
Thats a bizarre reaction tbh. Usually you EXPECT people to check up on you when someone has gone AWOL. But hey Ho. I suppose it’s best take the risk that you’ve been hurt and need help fir a while instead 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Boltonb · 30/03/2023 13:02

JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 12:22

I own my flat too and he only moved in with me because mine is marginally bigger. So he doesn't keep his flat to escape me, we keep it in case living together doesn't work out, neither of us end up homeless/paying ridiculous rent/unable to own again. Right now that seems like a great idea as if we do have to end things, moving out will be a lot easier and quicker for him and me. If we get married, we've agreed to sell both and buy somewhere together.

Also, bit of a stretch to say I'm chasing a relationship with a man who has moved into my flat despite having his own. You're being vicious for no reason.

Show quote history

Not being “vicious” at all. Reasonable, rational adults don’t need to walk away and totally disappear because they’ve been asked to do some housework etc.

Hes a dick. He’s sulking. You’re chasing, and involving his friends. It’s a) inappropriate and b) setting a bad precedent for how he handles his strops in the future.

It’s a non starter, you’re wasting your time with him.

CheersForThatEh · 30/03/2023 13:04

I would check on him.

And I'd be seriously rethinking a marriage and kids with someone who poured off like that as it smacks of him doing the same on the future and leaving you holding the baby.

And if, like your friend suggest, he is freaking out over commitment, and you want a baby, now is the time to be pissong or getting off the pot. You dont have years to hold his hand and bring him on the journey. He needs to be ready to move in and be an adult NOW. Or you will be 3 years down the line, just married, waiting a year to try for a baby...then waiting for his big promotion...then moving house....then suddenly your 40 and still getting excuses about trying for a baby.

Sorry that this post escalated hut being mid-thirties, you really dont have time for immature stomping off/not ready to commit shit.

Blossomandblooms · 30/03/2023 13:04

Any update, @JurassicParkaha? I agree it was childish of him to go off over an argument about housework but I can imagine your worry if he's gone this long without contacting anyone. I hope he's in touch with you soon

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 30/03/2023 13:08

Hope you found him safe and well OP.

and if he is safe and well, you may want to re-think your relationship going forward if this is going to be a typical reaction to a simple request to do some house work!

cartagenagina · 30/03/2023 13:11

He really really wants you to stop asking him to pull his weight domestically doesn’t he?

MeridianB · 30/03/2023 13:11

Worst case scenario is that something has happened. So you should reassure yourself however you need to - visit his flat etc. Perhaps text him that you’re calling the police and see if that makes a difference.

If he’s OK then he’s chosen to flounce off and ignore you over a spat about household chores. It’s childish and controlling. This is not someone worth building a future with.

ilovewispas · 30/03/2023 13:15

Go for your own peace of mind OP.

Hope you find him and he's OK (and then you can tell him how unacceptable this is).

Chateau · 30/03/2023 13:16

tattygrl · 30/03/2023 12:45

I agree so much with PP saying that it's important/valuable that we have people in our lives who can spot out of character behaviour. Doesn't automatically mean something drastic has happened, but isn't this part of the point of relationships, friendships and community? So that we can look out for each other in a basic way? Being aware of uncharacteristic behaviour and acting on it is very normal, understandable and sensible. Hope all is well when you get to his, OP.

This is so true - can't believe some people suggesting you just leave him to it. Hope you get some answers soon.

Pinkbonbon · 30/03/2023 13:17

You had a fight at 7.30 last night? I wouldnt have thought to be worried at all until 24 hours after tbh. I certainly would be calling him first before then.

Yes something could be up. Or his phone could just be out of charge and he hasn't noticed.

I do agree with pps though to be careful this isn't him training you to out up with nonsense. But I wouldn't suspect that unless he didnt call you today...and as its only 1.16pm currently...I wouldn't have that worry.

LakieLady · 30/03/2023 13:18

MeridianB · 30/03/2023 13:11

Worst case scenario is that something has happened. So you should reassure yourself however you need to - visit his flat etc. Perhaps text him that you’re calling the police and see if that makes a difference.

If he’s OK then he’s chosen to flounce off and ignore you over a spat about household chores. It’s childish and controlling. This is not someone worth building a future with.

I'm with you on the ignoring thing, @MeridianB . To put someone through all this worry because you're having a sulk is pathetic.

I really hope he's ok, OP, but I'd be rethinking this relationship if this is what a minor disagreement leads to.

PinkyFlamingo · 30/03/2023 13:18

I'm hoping this turns out well for ypu OP.

berksandbeyond · 30/03/2023 13:21

Ignore the ‘cool wives’ - you are absolutely right to be concerned and anyone I know would be in the same situation. I hope he’s ok!

asblackasyoursoul · 30/03/2023 13:21

Still no news OP?

Midge75 · 30/03/2023 13:25

To those who wouldn't be worried, is that because in your own relationships it's normal to be out of contact for his long? If my husband left after an argument and was uncontactable for the next 16 hours, and hadn't contacted his mum either, I would be worried sick. Because it's out of character. He is always contactable, talks to his mum daily and has never been away for that amount of time unexpectedly. That's the case with the OP too - she knows what is normal, and this isn't it. Which is why it's perfectly reasonable to be worried (and also perfectly reasonable to be angry with him if he really is just sulking). But I cannot understand the posters being harsh towards the OP just because their situations and experiences are different.

GoodChat · 30/03/2023 13:25

berksandbeyond · 30/03/2023 13:21

Ignore the ‘cool wives’ - you are absolutely right to be concerned and anyone I know would be in the same situation. I hope he’s ok!

Get lost with the 'cool wives' bollocks. Not one person has said "oh he's just out having fun".

People have either said he's an immature dick, OP should leave him alone, or a mixture of both.

Sparklfairy · 30/03/2023 13:25

OP said she was leaving at 12.30 and it's a 40min bus ride, why would she have an update already?

IneedanewTV · 30/03/2023 13:26

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

It will be the end of these kind of forums as you will just get bots talking to each other.

GoodChat · 30/03/2023 13:26

To those who wouldn't be worried, is that because in your own relationships it's normal to be out of contact for his long?

No. It's not normal for me. But if my OH walked out during an argument and decided he wasn't going to speak to me and cut all contact, he could fuck right off. I don't want to play stupid games. I'm not going to run after him.

IneedanewTV · 30/03/2023 13:30

My dad use to do this. Eventually my mum would do nothing about it and left him to his sulking sleeping on a mate’s sofa. He did it even in his 50s and 60s they don’t change.

initially that’s how I thought one handled an argument by storming out. It wasn’t until I was in my early 30s that I understood that it was so wrong and that I needed to communicate with my partners or friends. Classic learnt behaviour.

viques · 30/03/2023 13:31

He had a flat to go to. So not having to sleep on a park bench or ride a night bus all night.

As others have said, storming off is very immature behaviour, and since you seem to be so anxious about an adult behaving like a two year old in a petty huff I expect half the reason he storms off when things don’t go his own way is because you make such a fuss . Ignore bad behaviour, works with dogs and children.

Does he slam doors, make cross faces and say “ I hate you you are a smelly mummy “ as well?

justteanbiscuits · 30/03/2023 13:31

I really hope all is OK. As you said, clearly, this is out of character and you are perfectly normal to worry. I would be the same after a few hours - beyond what his normal cooling off period is.

If, and it is if, he is simply off in a sulk, then you can tell him he is a dick. But raising the alarm with friends etc is exactly the sensible thing to do. Sending you mojo that all works out OK

WimbyAce · 30/03/2023 13:32

Hope all is ok, worrying that no one can contact him.