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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP gone AWOL all night

477 replies

JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 06:11

Been with my DP for 3 years. He's lived with me for 6 months but also has his own flat a 40 min bus ride from me (we are in London). We've been discussing renting out his flat, marriage plans and just booked an expensive once in a lifetime holiday for the summer. We are mid 30s if relevant.

We had an argument yesterday evening around 7pm - I was annoyed he wasn't doing more around the house. Despite being super clean/tidy at home, he doesn't make much effort since living with me. Obv a concern I want to address before we go down the marriage path. He got cross and told me he was going back to his flat as didn't want to talk about it anymore. Fine. He does this sometimes if - will either go for a long walk to calm down or go home for a few hours to get some space. Tbf he hasn't done it in a long time since I told him I don't mind the long walk to think things over but think going home is unnecessary drama.

This time however, his phone is switched off/unavailable which is unlike him. And I haven't heard from him since he left. He's never awol like this all evening/night and we always talk and resolve things after an argument after a few hours. My first thought was to be pissed off that maybe he's being petty/punishing me for nagging him (even though it's unlike him). But it's now 6am and his phone is still switched off, he hasn't been online since early afternoon yesterday, and I'm wondering if something happened. He's not usually active on social media so no way to check that.

I'm debating going to his flat to check now (which would delay me for work) but also don't want to give him the satisfaction if he is indeed being petty. If I do go into work though I'll be 2 hours away from his flat with no way to check on him till evening.

He wouldn't be at any friends as none live close by, he doesn't do drugs and even when drunk always remembers to charge/have his phone switched on. He's on days off this week so no need to be at work. What would you do? Check on him or leave him and wait to hear from him.

OP posts:
anxiouslemons · 30/03/2023 11:21

Well from your first few posts I thought you were over reacting but the updates would give me a bit of concern.
I'm sure he's absolutely fine and there's an explanation for it all but I understand why you're worried.
If it does turn out that he was just in a big strop I would be ending the relationship btw.

Laiste · 30/03/2023 11:21

Although if he is ok obviously it would be the end for me!

CleaningOutMyCloset · 30/03/2023 11:24

I think you are over reacting somewhat, he's a grown man who's switched his phone off, or he's run out of battery on his day off. He's probably thought 'fuck it' I'm off to do something I want...

I'd be really annoyed if my other half had half of my friends and family out looking for me after a row.

booboo24 · 30/03/2023 11:26

I hope he's OK op you must be frantic x

Tabitha888 · 30/03/2023 11:26

Yeah this is odd hope he's ok x

nowaworriedmumma · 30/03/2023 11:26

Please let us know how it goes. I hope he's ok.

PollyAmour · 30/03/2023 11:27

I hope your partner is safe and well, OP, and this complete radio silence is all due to a massive sulk and not something else. Fingers crossed nothing has bad has happened to him.

Assuming all is well, and he is just annoyed with you for 'nagging' him, then you need to re-evaluate your relationship because it sounds like your the adult and he's the recalcitrant child.

Thinking of you.

pinkoveralls · 30/03/2023 11:27

Order a mcdonalds milkshake to his house on Deliveroo.
If he doesn't open, the delivery driver will call you
If he opens, ask the delivery driver to pour it over his head

GoodChat · 30/03/2023 11:27

CleaningOutMyCloset · 30/03/2023 11:24

I think you are over reacting somewhat, he's a grown man who's switched his phone off, or he's run out of battery on his day off. He's probably thought 'fuck it' I'm off to do something I want...

I'd be really annoyed if my other half had half of my friends and family out looking for me after a row.

Yeah I'd find it really intrusive and manipulative to be honest.

Travelfan2021 · 30/03/2023 11:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Ostryga · 30/03/2023 11:31

GoodChat · 30/03/2023 11:27

Yeah I'd find it really intrusive and manipulative to be honest.

Show quote history

Manipulation would be to storm off and ignore someone for hours and hours causing them to call around to make sure you were ok.

Whatever happens op isn’t being intrusive or manipulative, she’s worried about her partner. That’s just being human.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 30/03/2023 11:31

Hope everything ends up okay and he just wanted a night without speaking to anyone.

GoodChat · 30/03/2023 11:32

@Ostryga it's manipulative to contact your partners parents and best friend to tell them all how worried you are when they've walked out after a row.

Ostryga · 30/03/2023 11:33

GoodChat · 30/03/2023 11:32

@Ostryga it's manipulative to contact your partners parents and best friend to tell them all how worried you are when they've walked out after a row.

No it isn’t, especially if it’s massively out of character, which it is for op’s partner.

I would judge anyone that wouldn’t be worried after more than 12 hours of no contact if they had never done anything of the like before.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 30/03/2023 11:33

happysingleversary · 30/03/2023 11:18

It's huge in terms of compatibility though isn't it? Clutter and mess make me extremely anxious. It's not difficult to tidy up after oneself and if someone isn't doing so in the home of someone who can't relax around mess that's just blatant disrespect surely?

Show quote history

Oh, yeah - totally. We have a major mismatch in our relationship as to what constitutes 'ordinary tidiness', and it comes down to 'that's just fucking chaotic madness' on one side and 'that's seriously psychotically over-ordered' on the other.

Mynewname2023 · 30/03/2023 11:33

Hope all is okay OP, I would be worried too. Hopefully he’s just had a problem with his phone.

Outnumberedmummy2022 · 30/03/2023 11:35

This 😂😂😂

Number24Bus · 30/03/2023 11:40

I would be worried too OP. Hope he's ok.

Original poster
JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 11:44

CleaningOutMyCloset · 30/03/2023 11:24

I think you are over reacting somewhat, he's a grown man who's switched his phone off, or he's run out of battery on his day off. He's probably thought 'fuck it' I'm off to do something I want...

I'd be really annoyed if my other half had half of my friends and family out looking for me after a row.

DP would have done exactly the same for me as we don't have the sort of relationship where we switch off phones and cut contact for 16+ hours. Even before he moved in, he'd call me every evening we didn't see each other to ask about my day. He's very regimented with tasks/routines normally. It's not a special day off - it's a regular rest day in his shift pattern. He works closely with the police in his job so hyper vigilant about safety/security generally. I actually travel alone far more than he does, and he'd always text me every evening I was away to check I'm safe. This is such bizarre behaviour, all of it. But I'll know more when I go over there. Argh, haven't been able to concentrate at work at all.

OP posts:
CarPoor · 30/03/2023 11:51

It's manipulative to have a row over something basic like housework and storm off, turning your phone off and ignoring your partner for 24hrs! That's a shitty way to deal with a disagreement

Its not manipulative to then be worried for your partner and contact friends and family to see if they'd heard from them. If you don't want people contact your friends and family maybe don't go awol

Kellyjames90 · 30/03/2023 11:54

This reply has been deleted

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pinkoveralls · 30/03/2023 11:56

JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 11:44

DP would have done exactly the same for me as we don't have the sort of relationship where we switch off phones and cut contact for 16+ hours. Even before he moved in, he'd call me every evening we didn't see each other to ask about my day. He's very regimented with tasks/routines normally. It's not a special day off - it's a regular rest day in his shift pattern. He works closely with the police in his job so hyper vigilant about safety/security generally. I actually travel alone far more than he does, and he'd always text me every evening I was away to check I'm safe. This is such bizarre behaviour, all of it. But I'll know more when I go over there. Argh, haven't been able to concentrate at work at all.

Show quote history

Don't pay attention to people who are telling you're being unreasonable and manipulative.

You've got perfectly good reasons to feel the way you feel and to have acted the way you have acted. You know your husband better than any of us here.

Hoping he is okay x

CleaningOutMyCloset · 30/03/2023 11:56

@JurassicParkaha but he does have form for removing himself from a situation he's unhappy with and ignoring you. This is just an extension of that behaviour, you've only been living with each other for 6 months, which means his true self will be starting to come to the surface (as everyone's does in these situations). My ex started off like this, would ignore me for a few hours, then longer, then overnight etc etc.

I'm sure he'll be full of remorse when you find him, he'll apologise for worrying you, but it'll happen again next time you fall out, maybe next time it'll be 2 days. Until you accept that upsetting him isn't worth the hassle so you'll then start to walk on egg shells to not upset him, and do all the housework

Might sound extreme, and maybe my past experience is clouding my judgement, but Thai is exactly how mine started

pinkoveralls · 30/03/2023 11:57

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ChatGPT?

GoodChat · 30/03/2023 11:58

CarPoor · 30/03/2023 11:51

It's manipulative to have a row over something basic like housework and storm off, turning your phone off and ignoring your partner for 24hrs! That's a shitty way to deal with a disagreement

Its not manipulative to then be worried for your partner and contact friends and family to see if they'd heard from them. If you don't want people contact your friends and family maybe don't go awol

We only have OP's version of events but most people don't go silent over such a basic argument. This is probably one of many issues and he's had enough.

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