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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP gone AWOL all night

477 replies

JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 06:11

Been with my DP for 3 years. He's lived with me for 6 months but also has his own flat a 40 min bus ride from me (we are in London). We've been discussing renting out his flat, marriage plans and just booked an expensive once in a lifetime holiday for the summer. We are mid 30s if relevant.

We had an argument yesterday evening around 7pm - I was annoyed he wasn't doing more around the house. Despite being super clean/tidy at home, he doesn't make much effort since living with me. Obv a concern I want to address before we go down the marriage path. He got cross and told me he was going back to his flat as didn't want to talk about it anymore. Fine. He does this sometimes if - will either go for a long walk to calm down or go home for a few hours to get some space. Tbf he hasn't done it in a long time since I told him I don't mind the long walk to think things over but think going home is unnecessary drama.

This time however, his phone is switched off/unavailable which is unlike him. And I haven't heard from him since he left. He's never awol like this all evening/night and we always talk and resolve things after an argument after a few hours. My first thought was to be pissed off that maybe he's being petty/punishing me for nagging him (even though it's unlike him). But it's now 6am and his phone is still switched off, he hasn't been online since early afternoon yesterday, and I'm wondering if something happened. He's not usually active on social media so no way to check that.

I'm debating going to his flat to check now (which would delay me for work) but also don't want to give him the satisfaction if he is indeed being petty. If I do go into work though I'll be 2 hours away from his flat with no way to check on him till evening.

He wouldn't be at any friends as none live close by, he doesn't do drugs and even when drunk always remembers to charge/have his phone switched on. He's on days off this week so no need to be at work. What would you do? Check on him or leave him and wait to hear from him.

OP posts:
WheresMyAlex · 30/03/2023 10:59

OP, listen to your gut. I can’t believe people on here are saying you’re smothering him. It’s out of character so check on him, if he’s being an arse - fine. But it’s better to be safe than sorry. I would be worried too.

monsteramunch · 30/03/2023 10:59

@gannett

Definitely, but if they're usually in touch by now and he's not punishing her then he could get in touch in plenty of other ways - email, social media etc. He's actively chosen not to.

ItsRainingPens · 30/03/2023 11:00

Laiste · 30/03/2023 10:53

OP - for your own sanity do the grown up thing:

Go now. Check on him.

If he's fine - dump him.

If he's not fine - you'll be glad you went to check and didn't engage in a childish game.

This 100%

Allmyplantsdie · 30/03/2023 11:01

If he’s dropped his phone or it’s been nicked presumably he still has access to a laptop/tablet/computer/friends phone where he can send a message via text/WhatsApp/Facebook/Instagram/email? He knows storming off and going no contact for hours will cause worry. He is putting the OP through this, by storming off and then going no contact.

Gablonz · 30/03/2023 11:02

I would probably go round and check on him. He might have lost or broken his phone.
Or he might be being a complete dick.

I don't think you should marry him though, whatever the outcome of this, because this is not the first time he has flounced and flouncing because of some chores is ridiculous.
Also, if he isn't pulling his weight 6 months in, he never will, so you need to decide whether you want to put up with that or not..

I had an ex who, oddly enough, when asked to do something - eg. hoovering, whatever, would say "I'm not feeling very happy at the moment", with a head tilt and big sad eyes and would either take himself off to bed in his tracksuit bottoms and T-shirt of doom (he didn't own a dressing gown) or would flounce off out for hours.

GoodChat · 30/03/2023 11:04

I can't believe you phoned his dad. The poor man is going to be worried now and can do absolutely nothing.

jemimapuddlepluck · 30/03/2023 11:04

Hes training you to never question how much he contributes to the running of the house. Bet you think twice before you bring it up again.

happysingleversary · 30/03/2023 11:05

ittakes2 · 30/03/2023 10:17

"Despite being super clean/tidy at home, he doesn't make much effort since living with me"
This made me wonder if you like things a certain way and he is worried he will not live up to your expectations. If he was messy at home I could see why he would not pull his weight.

Are there people who don't expect to live in a clean and tidy home?

gannett · 30/03/2023 11:06

monsteramunch · 30/03/2023 10:59

@gannett

Definitely, but if they're usually in touch by now and he's not punishing her then he could get in touch in plenty of other ways - email, social media etc. He's actively chosen not to.

OP says he doesn't have his laptop or other devices at his flat.

I once dropped my phone on the bus and it didn't occur to me that anyone would be worrying the next morning. I was hungover so I just took my time getting out of the house to get it sorted (cancelled, new phone) and only then did I get back in touch with people.

WeDoNotTalktoPennilynLott · 30/03/2023 11:06

TheInterceptor · 30/03/2023 10:37

I think he's broken up with you. Lucky escape, OP.

Me too

JurassicParkaha · 30/03/2023 11:08

Sucked it up and contacted his best mate. They are in a WhatsApp group chat together. Explained what happened and he was very sympathetic and also surprised as DP is very responsive normally. He had a look at some messages he (friend) had sent to the group chat at 10pm last night and saw they were not delivered either. He tried calling him too and got voicemail. So it's definitely not just me! He's suggested I check in on the flat when I can and he'll keep trying to call him as well. He thinks something else has triggered DP if he's indeed hiding away as he's not one to drag out arguments this long. They're not a laddish group at all - all happily married with kids, not big drinkers, and he agreed with me it was really unacceptable. He was under the impression DP was really content.

So phone is still off and he's not been in touch with his dad or best friend. Even if phone is broken or whatever, he has an old tablet at home he can send emails/FB message. Im going over at 12.30 pm to check his flat.

OP posts:
Ikilledthebabysharkdododuhdodudoo · 30/03/2023 11:09

Okay, well that definitely changes things. I now agree with you OP and I would be worried.

Binfluencer · 30/03/2023 11:10

It does like he's having a massive sulk OP. Hope you find you safe and sound ar lunch and let him know this behaviour is beyond unacceptable

Ostryga · 30/03/2023 11:12

I think I’d be tempted to phone the non-emergency police line at that update.

If this is massively out of character for him and no one can get in touch the police will be interested. The 24 hour thing is a myth.

I really hope everything works out and it’s an easy explanation.

Outnumberedmummy2022 · 30/03/2023 11:13

Hope all is okay x

CJFJ1 · 30/03/2023 11:13

Good luck, OP. I think you are right to go and check.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 30/03/2023 11:14

happysingleversary · 30/03/2023 11:05

Are there people who don't expect to live in a clean and tidy home?

Clean, sure. Not necessarily tidy.

GrazingSheep · 30/03/2023 11:14

I agree re checking. Hope all is ok.

blindreflections · 30/03/2023 11:15

I would also be maybe escalating to the non-emergency police line and if it is a case of sulking he's going to make himself look very silly

tattygrl · 30/03/2023 11:16

I agree with non-emergency police line advice. I'd also consider going to check now. You're clearly not focused on work right now (not a criticism, I wouldn't be either), so surely it's better to just go and check.

Poopgal · 30/03/2023 11:18

Felicity42 · 30/03/2023 08:59

He could have blocked your number so it won't let you ring him.
You are mothering him.
He's a 30-something man.

He looked after himself fine before he met you.

He doesn't need you to save him.

Maybe you aren't such a powerful a force in his life as to whether he lives or dies or comes to harm. That's his privilege to have.

He lives at yours like a king being mothered and getting dinners and a shag and keeps his own pad as well. He has options to fuck off home because Mummy asked him to do some hoovering.

Are you for real with this post? If you are, you must lead a very sad life to lash out like this over a completely reasonable post

happysingleversary · 30/03/2023 11:18

WalkingOnTheCracks · 30/03/2023 11:14

Clean, sure. Not necessarily tidy.

It's huge in terms of compatibility though isn't it? Clutter and mess make me extremely anxious. It's not difficult to tidy up after oneself and if someone isn't doing so in the home of someone who can't relax around mess that's just blatant disrespect surely?

Poopgal · 30/03/2023 11:19

Good luck OP. Can’t imagine how worried you must be

billy1966 · 30/03/2023 11:20

OP, I hope everything works out for you.

But if he has just ignored you because of being asked to share the load, you would be out of your mind to marry him and worse again, inflict him on a child.

Tread very carefully.

One divorce behind you, do not be rushing into a commitment with someone so unstable.

This is not normal behaviour.

Mind yourself.

Laiste · 30/03/2023 11:21

Fingers crossed he's ok OP.